Wife Doesn't Want Sex, Doubts Marriage

[BaileyB]

I would bet money on the suggestion from healing light. It seems much more plausible that this is the case than she is cheating. It’s not menopause, she is not cheating, she is not bisexual...

 

She is comfortable in her marriage, she may “love” you but she is not “in love” anymore... And as such, she doesn’t feel the need to have sex and resents your constant attempts to impose on her.

 

I’m sorry. It’s a pretty typical story on this board...

[Rotaglia]

Adultery

Until she either confesses to adultery or I find out about it, there is no sense in making that an issue.

 

Checked Out

I agree that my wife has checked out of the marriage and refuses to check back in. That puts me in a difficult position.

 

Strategy

I could stop pursuing her and work on myself exclusively. I could embrace the 180s strategy. The only trouble is she still wants to hug, kiss, say "I love you," cuddle while in bed, and go on dates. I don't want to fail to reciprocate those things but I'm not particularly enthusiastic about them under the circumstances. I hate making small talk when I feel like we are much closer to divorce than we are to restoration.

 

Sex

If by some miracle my wife were to offer to have sex tonight, the wiser course for me would be to politely decline. It would kill me, but that's the smarter thing to do. I don't trust her with my heart as this moment.

 

Goal

My goal is not to save our friendship. I don't want to be best buds. I don't care to be the world's most helpful co-parent or roommate. I want to restore romantic and emotional intimacy in the relationship first and foremost and worry about the sex piece later.

 

A Sign

It would just be nice if I could get a sign from the woman in my life that such a scenario has a reasonable probability of success. Otherwise it's just a waiting game until one of us files for divorce.

[Mrs._December]

Currently I have a career as a musician that I enjoy but I do not make nearly as much money as my wife does so yes, I'm financially dependent on her HOWEVER I have always believed this was a conscious choice we had made together (because it is). The lack of a "regular" job meant I could spend time with our kids, take them to appointments and social events, activities, etc. and also, quite crucially, spending the hundreds of hours I invested in making sure my beloved mother-in-law (yes, I really do adore her) stopped driving due to dementia and moved to assisted living. I always deflected the thanks I would receive for this because, as I would say, "it's just my job"—we designed our life this way.

Regardless of all the justifications you make for why your wife has to support the family instead of you, it better explains your sheer desperation to insure that you stay together no matter what. Whether you made the choice 'together' for her to support the family or not, the fact remains that you depend on her financially so you need this marriage to stay intact.

 

 

 

I'm sorry, but I agree with Healing Light 1000%:

 

She's checked out, she's done. She's lost attraction to you somewhere along the way. Now she just feels guilty because of your history together, but she doesn't sound like she wants this marriage. She might love you but she doesn't sound IN love with you. She may not want to divide her assets up (the way many breadwinning men don't want to) nor throw out a man she views as being incapable of supporting himself sufficiently onto the streets.

 

 

Sadly OP, you're simply not in a position of power. Like Healing Light said, I agree that your wife sees you as some kind of a dependent she's responsible for and that's why you're still together, even though she's emotionally and physically disengaged.

Edited March 11, 2019 by Mrs._December

[Rotaglia]

Sadly OP, you're simply not in a position of power. Like Healing Light said, I agree that your wife sees you as some kind of a dependent she's responsible for and that's why you're still together, even though she's emotionally and physically disengaged.

Sure looks that way.

Damn it. :-(

[bathtub-row]

My thoughts on this are that, after 20 or 30 years of marriage, maybe you do need a temporary break from one another so that you can come back refreshed. Why not pretend you’re a single guy who can’t get dates and deal with it for awhile? Maybe your wife will start to miss you.

 

My other thought is that, yes, there likely is resentment or disrespect toward you regarding your job. It’s very difficult for women to feel they’re carrying the weight year after year. Most of us aren’t designed for that.

[Rotaglia]

So even though I'm technically not a Betrayed Spouse (BS), it may be that it's time to adopt the 180s.

 

But how do I stop saying "I love you," especially when she says it first? That seems impossibly cold. After all, I do love her. I'm upset and disappointed, to put it mildly, but I do love her. Since neither of us has acknowledged an affair she deserves the benefit of the doubt that is not, in fact, having one, right? Why go there if we aren't there?

Edited March 11, 2019 by Rotaglia

[Rotaglia]

My thoughts on this are that, after 20 or 30 years of marriage, maybe you do need a temporary break from one another so that you can come back refreshed. Why not pretend you’re a single guy who can’t get dates and deal with it for awhile? Maybe your wife will start to miss you.

Perhaps but we have a 12-year-old transgender daughter-becoming-a-son at home who really needs my presence. There is no physical abuse whatsoever. I enjoy living in our home and renting an apartment would be really expensive. Plus I have heard that moving out before it is legally necessary could jeopardize custody because my leaving could be construed as abandonment. Plus I really don't want to separate unless there is no other option.

 

I think the best scenario is to undertake some variation on the 180s.

[Rotaglia]

Do I have to drop my pet names for her:

1. Sweetheart?
   
2. Darling?
   
3. Honey?
   

It would be needlessly passive-aggressive to drop the endearments, wouldn't it?

[Rotaglia]

I don't need to take a break; I need her to give me a break!

 

All I really need at this point is a common goal revitalizing our marriage as a fully intimate romantic partnership. I'm happy to give it time and effort. I know it will not be easy but I do think it will be worthwhile.

 

I survived a year and a half with no sex whatsoever. It almost killed me, but it didn't. What's another year and a half it means we have a stronger marriage going forward:

1. Mutual vulnerability
   
2. Emotional sharing
   
3. Mutual accountability
   
4. Shared goals
   

We already have so many worthy things in common. Our values align nicely. We enjoy many of the same things. I'm intensely fond of my wife. She's brilliant, funny, and knock-dead gorgeous. There's gotta be a way to make this work!

 

I can accept that she checked out. It happens. I'm not pleased that it happened but over the course of 23 years it's not the worst thing in the world. I'd just like her to check back in. Forgiveness is not required.

[giotto]

Do I have to drop my pet names for her:

1. Sweetheart?
   
2. Darling?
   
3. Honey?
   

It would be needlessly passive-aggressive to drop the endearments, wouldn't it?

 

Oh dear... you have a long way to go, don't you?

[bathtub-row]

Perhaps but we have a 12-year-old transgender daughter-becoming-a-son at home who really needs my presence. There is no physical abuse whatsoever. I enjoy living in our home and renting an apartment would be really expensive. Plus I have heard that moving out before it is legally necessary could jeopardize custody because my leaving could be construed as abandonment. Plus I really don't want to separate unless there is no other option.

 

I think the best scenario is to undertake some variation on the 180s.

 

No. I wasn’t implying at all that the two of you separate. I merely meant that you cool it with sex for now. Not that you have much choice in the matter but just leave the whole thing alone for now. That’s all I was saying. Continue as usual, just take s break from that particular thing that has probably become routine. You’ve been together a long time. It’s to be expected that things may go flat for awhile.

 

And, please, don’t be silly. If she says she loves you and you feel inclined to say it back, then do so. Also, I think it’s ridiculous to immediately conclude that she’s having an affair. I know you didn’t draw that conclusion but I hope you don’t let that idea deep into your marriage this point.

[bathtub-row]

Do I have to drop my pet names for her:

1. Sweetheart?
   
2. Darling?
   
3. Honey?
   

It would be needlessly passive-aggressive to drop the endearments, wouldn't it?

 

No, I wouldn’t drop that if I were you. But don’t gush over her, either. Show her the great man that you are, the stable one that she can lean on. You seem awesome and she needs to be reminded of that. The two of you seem very different - she’s business-minded and you’re the artsy type. You probably balance one another out in many ways but those differences can also create tension. Overall, I think you guys have a good thing going. I say just chill for awhile. Do that 180 thing, whatever that is.

[Rotaglia]

No, I wouldn’t drop that if I were you. But don’t gush over her, either. Show her the great man that you are, the stable one that she can lean on.

Okay.

You seem awesome and she needs to be reminded of that.

In Yiddish, we call that being a mensch, a good human being.

The two of you seem very different - she’s business-minded and you’re the artsy type. You probably balance one another out in many ways but those differences can also create tension. Overall, I think you guys have a good thing going. I say just chill for awhile.

I like that she's different from me. That's what cool about her. I am not looking to change her essence. I would just like a few behavioral adjustments.

Do that 180 thing, whatever that is.

The 180s are listed here.

[Rotaglia]

No. I wasn’t implying at all that the two of you separate. I merely meant that you cool it with sex for now.

We haven't had sex in eighteen months, three weeks, four days, seven hours, forty-one minutes, and thirty-one seconds. But who's counting?

[Mrs._December]

You're not going to like my reply, but I'm going to be blunt - you sound desperate and it's highly unappealing.

 

Maybe you should consider getting a job and for once, being in a position of equality rather than continually begging for her love and needing her to support you. Just from what I'm reading, I would be so hugely turned off by the financial situation but then when you couple that with your extreme desperation and neediness, it would be impossible for me to stay in that situation and I think that's kind of how your wife might be feeling. But I think that's why your wife still shows you affection - because you're so horrifically needy and affection really isn't that hard to give.

 

It's not that much of a personal sacrifice for her to kiss you or hold your hand or go out to dinner with you, but more intimate things like sharing her body are simply off the table. It's so obvious that she's merely placating you with the affection because you crave it from her and for her, it makes things just much more peaceful and pleasant at home.

[bathtub-row]

We haven't had sex in eighteen months, three weeks, four days, seven hours, forty-one minutes, and thirty-one seconds. But who's counting?

 

Oh, wow. That’s a long time. Hormones do have a huge effect on a person’s libido but she may just be bored with being pressured for sex. Not meaning that you pressure her, per se, but that marriage in and of itself is a pressure for sex. She has apparently checked out of the whole thing. Not sure what to tell you. I suppose just acting disinterested in her in that regard might be the best move at this stage.

[Rotaglia]

You're not going to like my reply, but I'm going to be blunt - you sound desperate and it's highly unappealing.

Gee. Thanks. That's swell. For your information, I am moving away from desperation and toward resolve and dignity.

 

Maybe you should consider getting a job and for once, being in a position of equality rather than continually begging for her love and needing her to support you. Just from what I'm reading, I would be so hugely turned off by the financial situation but then when you couple that with your extreme desperation and neediness, it would be impossible for me to stay in that situation and I think that's kind of how your wife might be feeling. But I think that's why your wife still shows you affection - because you're so horrifically needy and affection really isn't that hard to give.

I have tried to ask my wife is she objects to our shared choices concerning work and she won't open up about that topic.

 

It's not that much of a personal sacrifice for her to kiss you or hold your hand or go out to dinner with you, but more intimate things like sharing her body are simply off the table. It's so obvious that she's merely placating you with the affection because you crave it from her and for her, it makes things just much more peaceful and pleasant at home.

She clearly enjoys the affection and I am not inclined to withhold it. It just feels a little weird under the circumstances. I can handle that.

[giotto]

You're not going to like my reply, but I'm going to be blunt - you sound desperate and it's highly unappealing.

 

Maybe you should consider getting a job and for once, being in a position of equality rather than continually begging for her love and needing her to support you. Just from what I'm reading, I would be so hugely turned off by the financial situation but then when you couple that with your extreme desperation and neediness, it would be impossible for me to stay in that situation and I think that's kind of how your wife might be feeling. But I think that's why your wife still shows you affection - because you're so horrifically needy and affection really isn't that hard to give.

 

It's not that much of a personal sacrifice for her to kiss you or hold your hand or go out to dinner with you, but more intimate things like sharing her body are simply off the table. It's so obvious that she's merely placating you with the affection because you crave it from her and for her, it makes things just much more peaceful and pleasant at home.

 

 

I agree... but why is she still with him? Because he is needy? Really? I guess she doesn't want to compromise her lifestyle by having to sell their house, raising their kids on her own, basically destroying everything they have built together. This is selfish. No sex for 18 months? I am at month n. 14 and it's no fun. This is cruel. She should have the decency to let him go. Because this is heading in one direction only...

[Rotaglia]

I get the distinct impression that some people disapprove of stay-at-home-dads (SAHDs) but seldom question (SAHMs). You know what they call that? Sexism.

 

Our choices as a couple may be good or bad on the merits, but I refuse to be penalized merely for being male.

[Rotaglia]

She should have the decency to let him go. Because this is heading in one direction only...

I'd just like some insight into what my wife really wants/needs so I can figure out if those issues are resolvable or not. Of course, my needs are important, too. I want genuine emotional intimacy. Is that really too much to ask? Maybe so.

[bathtub-row]

I get the distinct impression that some people disapprove of stay-at-home-dads (SAHDs) but seldom question (SAHMs). You know what they call that? Sexism.

 

Our choices as a couple may be good or bad on the merits, but I refuse to be penalized merely for being male.

 

I don’t know if that’s what’s going on or not but from what I’ve seen in those scenarios, yes, the woman does tend to disrespect the man when he does this. It may initially seem like a great idea but it wears on a woman over time. But, having said that, I’ve seen too many times where the man has no respect for his SAHW. It does seem that when one spouse perceives that they have financial power over the other, problems ensue. From my personal perspective, I wouldn’t have respect for an SAHM. Unfortunately, that’s just the way I’m wired. I like alpha males.

 

In your particular case, your wife would most likely have to pay you alimony because this arrangement has been your situation throughout your marriage - and she probably knows that. Despite all that, I think there’s genuine affection in your marriage but, for some reason, your wife is completely turned off by sex.

[FMW]

My guess is the 180 will only serve to put more distance between you. Certainly don't be clingy or needy or smother her with attention, but I think going so far the other direction would just hasten the end of your marriage.

 

Peri-menopause actually increased my sex drive, and even with menopause it hasn't decreased so much as feel more manageable. I'm probably in the minority there, but as others have said, I wouldn't use that as an explanation for what's happening.

 

It does appear your wife has checked out and doesn't move to end the marriage because at least right now she prefers to maintain the status quo rather than deal with the upheaval of divorce. You have a child still in the home, she probably feels responsible for you financially (including insurance coverage), and she's ok being co-parents and roommates, at least for now. That's why she made it clear she understands you have the option to be the one to end it.

 

Keep focusing on self-improvement, as time permits maybe get involved with hobbies or activities separate from her to increase your own self-esteem and possibly give her new reasons to find you interesting. But start to at least mentally prepare for the possibility she's not going to change her mind and figure out what YOU want to do and how you want to live the rest of your life.

[Rotaglia]

Despite all that, I think there’s genuine affection in your marriage but, for some reason, your wife is completely turned off by sex.

Right! And that is perfectly okay! If she would just talk to me about it, we could work something out. Maybe we need to make some changes that make sex more likely. Maybe I can adjust my expectations as to the type, frequency, etc. of sex that I can reasonably expect. I am more than willing to discuss that in a frank, thoughtful, kind way—but right now the conversation is completely one sided.

 

There is nothing wrong with me feeling desperate in my heart. But my behavior must not be desperate going forward. That's challenging but doable.

[giotto]

I get the distinct impression that some people disapprove of stay-at-home-dads (SAHDs) but seldom question (SAHMs). You know what they call that? Sexism.

 

Our choices as a couple may be good or bad on the merits, but I refuse to be penalized merely for being male.

 

I don't disapprove... I've been one for a while... but funnily enough, it ended up with my wife thinking I was "less manly" because of that. I resented it immensely.

[Rotaglia]

It is difficult to meet the needs of a spouse who won’t or can’t articulate those needs—even when refusal to do so is damaging her marriage day-by-day. Sure it’s hard—but isn’t it worth it?

 

When a relationship is functioning well, they call it “passion”; when it is going poorly, they call it “desperation.”

 

I am deeply in love with my wife. I make no apologies for that. I care about her. I respect her. I am a bit annoyed at her at the moment. I am concerned about our marriage (quite sensibly so) and I am trying to enlist her help in repairing it.