Wife Doesn't Want Sex, Doubts Marriage

[HadMeOverABarrel]

There is nothing wrong with becoming aroused when you are in close proximity to your wife. Never feel ashamed about that. Very healthy indeed. Check your private messages, please.

[Tron5]

How is your investigation coming along?

 

What have you dug up so far?

[Rotaglia]

You’re just bending and twisting to try and get sex from someone who isn’t interested in giving it to you.

No. I want to restore emotional intimacy with my wife. If sex results from that, great. If not, I will at least have achieved a major relationship goal for myself. If we achieve/restore true emotional intimacy, one of the byproducts might be that she will understand why sex is so important for both of us.

How is your investigation coming along?

What have you dug up so far?

I have uncovered hundreds of transactions, mostly involving meals out with the kids and me, bills to the electricity company, manicures, facials, haircuts, a little shopping (no Victoria‘s Secret or anything. I should only be so lucky!). Basically, a life of exemplary, humdrum suburban boredom. Nothing that would indicate an affair. Now, it is nevertheless possible she had one or is having one—but it seems like I cannot tell from reviewing bank and credit card transactions at this point. Edited April 12, 2019 by Rotaglia

[Rotaglia]

Have you checked her phone bill to see if she is calling/texting any one number consistently?

Yup. Haven't seen many that I didn't recognize and among those there were few if any repeat calls.

[BettyDraper]

How about a bit of coyness and flirtation?

 

Flirtation is fine under normal circumstances but not when you're trying to be aloof. Coyness is feminine.

 

You have been chasing your wife. Now it's time to fall back and let her chase you. Dial back all of the affection and romance.

 

One idea is using aloofness on your anniversary to spark a discussion.

If your wife expresses surprise and disappointment that you have not acknowledge the special day, you can tell her that you are not feeling romantic due to her reluctance to discuss certain issues in your marriage.

[giotto]

Now it's time to fall back and let her chase you.

 

He will be waiting a veeeeery long time...

[elaine567]

One idea is using aloofness on your anniversary to spark a discussion. If your wife expresses surprise and disappointment that you have not acknowledge the special day, you can tell her that you are not feeling romantic due to her reluctance to discuss certain issues in your marriage.

 

She'll see straight through that attempt at emotional blackmail...

 

Aloofness and coyness works when you have something the other wants and the other is prepared to play that game.

She doesn't want sex, so no amount of aloof game playing is going to make her want it. I guess here she would just shut up shop even further as she would feel manipulated if he used the wedding anniversary to make a point.

Edited April 14, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Rotaglia]

She'll see straight through that attempt at emotional blackmail

With apologies to Betty, I think I agree with Elaine here, especially since we are talking about one particular woman whom I know well and not women in general.

 

So now what?

I could ask her to move out and thus begin a year-long separation leading to divorce.

I'm not certain I want that.

Edited April 14, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[giotto]

I could ask her to move out and thus begin a year-long separation leading to divorce.

 

You don't even know what's wrong yet... you need to tell her first. You need to let her know that, if she doesn't tell you the real reason, you will be left with no other option than separation... see what she says to that. You need a firm and conclusive answer, so you can take an informed decision.

[Rotaglia]

Sadly, I think we already have our answer: For her, the status quo is acceptable for now, nothing more. She is mighty fond of me, but not in love with me. She knows the total lack of sex will eventually drive me out the relationship, and whether she realizes it consciously or not I I fear that is precisely what she is doing. This way the presumptive separation/divorce is “my fault” because I insisted on an actual married relationship of romantic love, commitment, intimacy, and sex. Making it my fault probably makes it easier for her to manage her guilt at having abandoned me.

 

But that sucks! How could we have come to this point? Sometimes it feels like it is utterly impossible that it is like I am describing. Is this really her mindset? Why won't she talk to me? Do I want to sacrifice the peace and healing that the silence has bought us, at least for now?

Edited April 13, 2019 by Rotaglia

[elaine567]

Sadly, I think we already have our answer

Have you actually spoken to her in the last few hours about this or is this an assumption on your part?

Edited April 14, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[pepperbird]

op,

I don't think your wife has any of that in her mind.

 

 

The more you post, the more I'm thinking this all boil down to a difference in communication styles. You seem to like the direct approach, but your wife is different.

 

Does she know why sex is such a big issue for you? I know that may sound like a "given", but really, it may not be.

 

Just look at mass media and how it portrays sex. It is seen as a "recreational activity" with little to no emotional connection. If your wife has picked up on this message, she really needs to know how important it is to you and why.

[Rotaglia]

Have you actually spoken to her in the last few hours about this or is this an assumption on your part?

I have not spoken to her about the relationship in over a month. Paradoxically, that seems to have produced some good results. She seems more relaxed around me; the kisses and hugs are warmer; we're talking more easily (although not about the relationship); I think I have projected the quiet, masculine "rock" strength that she is looking for.

 

op,

I don't think your wife has any of that in her mind. The more you post, the more I'm thinking this all boil down to a difference in communication styles. You seem to like the direct approach, but your wife is different.

Communication style (or “love language”) is certainly part of it. We also probably have different perceptions, feelings, priorities, and concepts around sex.

 

I have explained to her that sex and what I call sex-adjacent activities cause me to feel loved, cherished, and special. It’s shorthand in a relationship between busy people who have only a few hours of alone-time in their week to signify that everything is okay and it affirms emotional intimacy. It is a primal need for me as a man; without it, I feel diminished, like some sort of evolutionary failure. It may sound amusing, but it's actually how it feels. Caveman-me gets profoundly offended by sexual rejection from someone to whom I have been married for 22 years and who is supposed to love me. Just thinking about that feeling makes me want to burst into tears—that’s how awful it is, how soul-destroying, how abjectly miserable.

 

We had an active sex life for twenty years. It’s not like I’m asking for more than what was the default. I get that menopause and exhaustion, etc. can alter her sexual functioning and reduce the frequency of sex—message received—but she has an obligation to talk extensively and frankly with me about all of that, don’t you think?

 

With all that said, I feel like I could do without the physical act of sex if I felt sexually affirmed in other ways. If we had true emotional intimacy and she deeply understood my sexuality and found a way to connect with me on that level, the lack of physical intimacy would be a whole lot more bearable.

 

I have told her more than once that she is more important to me than sex, but that does not mean that sex is not important.

 

But it is hard to reconcile our competing visions of sexuality if she won’t freakin’ talk to me about it and she shuts down when I try to talk about it.

Edited April 14, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[giotto]

I have told her more than once that she is more important to me than sex, but that does not mean that sex is not important.

 

Yes, sex is important to you, but your wife is more important than sex. This is the clear message you have communicated to her. So, you are not leaving because your marriage and your wife are more important than sex. She is happy.

[Wolverine1997]

You don’t want to lose your source of support. That may just be your problem. Without knowing all the details on why your wife is the bread winner and if you provide any income, I have to ask why you couldn’t support yourself if you ended up divorce.

[Rotaglia]

I have to ask why you couldn’t support yourself if you ended up divorce.

There is no doubt I could support myself should a divorce take place. I would have to. Alimony, child support, half of our assets, and spousal support would help but they would not be enough without me producing an income in addition.

So, you are not leaving because your marriage and your wife are more important than sex. She is happy.

In her shoes, I would not be “happy” knowing my spouse is unhappy with our lack of a sex life. I would be bending over backwards to find a solution. I cannot understand her total lack of a sense of urgency. Edited April 14, 2019 by Rotaglia

[giotto]

But she is happy. She might be feeling a little bit guilty, but obviously not enough...

 

At the end of the day, sex is a major component, so if she is not willing to participate, she will be happier not having it and having a grumpy husband than having to do something she doesn't really want to do. Her happiness is more important to her than your unhappiness.

Edited April 14, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Marc878]

In her shoes, I would not be “happy” knowing my spouse is unhappy with our lack of a sex life. I would be bending over backwards to find a solution. I cannot understand her total lack of a sense of urgency.

 

You aren't her.

 

You are projecting. I feel like this so she must too, thing. Her actions say different.

[Rotaglia]

They say that in order to empathize with one’s partner, it often helps to imagine yourself in their shoes. Merely because someone calls it “projection” does not necessarily make it a bad thing.

Edited April 14, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Marc878]

You are trying to put her in your shoes. Not even close

Edited April 14, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Rotaglia]

Where is the caring for me in her sexual behavior?

Edited April 14, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[HadMeOverABarrel]

OP, I'm a long-time Tony Robbins fan. Watch this one: (

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It's a must and I think will help you understand what is happening with your wife!

 

YW

[preraph]

Where is the caring for me in her sexual behavior?

 

Lately, she doesn't want you sexually. She doesn't care about you sexually. For many women, to do it anyway would make them feel used and objectified, and when men put the top priority on it as many do, it just makes them wonder if men really even have feelings for them at all that don't center around sexual gratification. And there's so much more to them and what they've put into the relationship that it's a pill that doesn't go down well.

[preraph]

I just hope you're taking care of your own sexual needs yourself, and I say that because I don't want you to be cranky. I hope you're not holding out.

[Rotaglia]

Um, you mean through masturbation? Check.