Wife Doesn't Want Sex, Doubts Marriage

[S2B]

I’d serve her with divorce papers - see if that helps her talk things through with you.

 

And if she won’t = you know you have nothing to work with... since she won’t work with you to change things.

 

Serving her allows her to know you are serious about not wanting the M to look like this.

 

She is selfish. That doesn’t make a good marital partner.

[bathtub-row]

I would never have an affair under any circumstances (i.e., engage romantically with someone to whom I am not married). That violates my personal code of ethics.

I don't do mind games like making her wonder. That's ridiculous and counterproductive.

 

It has been my experience that people are their own worst enemies. You can call it mind games or anything you’d like. Still, I’d do my own thing and - based on my theory of people being their own worst enemies - let her take that where she wants in her mind. And I never suggested that you have an affair. I said let her wonder what you’re doing - is he having an affair? planning to file for divorce? etc. It really doesn’t hurt to put people on edge when they’re basically treating you with disrespect. That’s a dealbreaker for me; apparently not for you.

 

And, btw, her disrespect lies, not so much in not having sex with you, but in her unwillingness to talk about this or agreeing to counseling - especially after a year and a half has gone by. But carry on with what you’re doing because that seems to be working out really well for you.

[S2B]

If nothing changes - nothing changes.

 

You must be willing to change things by upsetting the Apple cart.

 

If you don’t - things will become worse by your resentment that’s building.

 

She vowed to be your wife right? I doubt she vowed to be your room mate/buddy.

 

If she doesn’t intend to be fully your wife - then end it... knowing you want more.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Rotaglia, I am sorry to say this but you can take a horse to water but you cannot make it drink. Your wife has checked out of your marriage both emotionally and sexually. Nothing much you can do about it except perform it's last rites and bury it. Apparently you have tried everything in your arsenal and your wife has not responded. I guess you don't really need folks on this forum to tell you what to do next. Best wishes.

[Rotaglia]

Last I checked, divorce papers were not an aphrodisiac.

Why would I file for divorce if I don’t want one?

[Mr. Lucky]

Last I checked, divorce papers were not an aphrodisiac.

 

Meaning they would spoil all the great sex you're having now?

 

What I would prefer she do is say things like, “Honey, I think it's sweet that you want to make love to me but I'm just not feeling it right now”

 

And I'd prefer the reigning Miss World call me and, with my wife's permission, want to spend a weekend together. I think we're both going to be disappointed.

 

Your wife sees no need to change, she's happy. As the unhappy one, the next move is up to you...

 

Mr. Lucky

[S2B]

Last I checked, divorce papers were not an aphrodisiac.

Why would I file for divorce if I don’t want one?

 

Of course it’s not... but it may be a motivator for her to stop cheating and give you the sex you need instead of losing half her assets. I’m sure paying you alimony may make her think about it too.

 

But seriously, she isn’t meeting YOUR needs... and doesn’t intend to! Why would you wish to beg someone to have sex with you?

 

And since she won’t - divorce her knowing YOU want more from the marriage.

 

That’s what it boils down to... that and that she hasn’t considered your needs at all - totally disrespecting you.

 

 

You act weak. Weak is never sexy to a woman.

[Rotaglia]

You act weak. Weak is never sexy to a woman.

1. I admit that some of my actions have been weak but I am improving on that.
   
2. Perhaps appearing sexy to my wife is not so important right now but it is important for my self-worth and self-confidence. I am done trying to please her for the foreseeable future.
   

[Rotaglia]

It seems to me that I should look to reinvigorate the areas of my life that do work well: our wonderful kids and family, community, music, work, etc. I have so much to be thankful for. And honestly I am thankful for my wife, too. I love her and that will never stop; HOWEVER, I can change my mental approach to her so that love no longer hurts me as much. I can prepare legally for a possible separation/divorce with limited anger. I will endeavor to control my own fate and be a great dad. I will aim to leave my wife (if necessary) on my own terms with my dignity intact.

[bathtub-row]

It seems to me that I should look to reinvigorate the areas of my life that do work well: our wonderful kids and family, community, music, work, etc. I have so much to be thankful for. And honestly I am thankful for my wife, too. I love her and that will never stop; HOWEVER, I can change my mental approach to her so that love no longer hurts me as much. I can prepare legally for a possible separation/divorce with limited anger. I will endeavor to control my own fate and be a great dad. I will aim to leave my wife (if necessary) on my own terms with my dignity intact.

 

Sounds like a plan. I hope all ends well for you and your family.

[S2B]

Those are great ideas. And yes, get info about what happens if you decide to divorce her - see an attorney.

 

But start doing things that you enjoy. Take up a few new hobbies/areas of interest - that keep you occupied and happy. Things that help you meet new people and rejuvenated.

 

Don’t bend to what she wants... just get busy living and making a great future for yourself - whether she is with you or not.

[giotto]

But but... you threaten divorce and she gives you sex because she doesn't want to lose the status quo, she gives you sex to keep you there... pity sex, because this is what it will be... is that really what you want?

[Rotaglia]

But but... you threaten divorce and she gives you sex because she doesn't want to lose the status quo, she gives you sex to keep you there... pity sex, because this is what it will be... is that really what you want?

Pity sex? Absolutely not. Beneath my dignity.

Well ... maybe once or twice.

(Just kidding.)

[Just a Guy]

Hi Rotaglia, none of all this fulminating is going to change a thing in your life. You say you have a lot to be thankful for in your life plus the fact that you love your wife(irrespective of whether she fulfils your sexual needs or not) then the best thing in the circumstances is to hunker down and stop complaining. You are not prepared to divorce your wife because divorce is not an aphrodisiac so that puts paid to any proactive options that you may have up your sleeve. Complaining to folks on this forum has'nt got you anything because you are not prepared to heed any of their advice. You can go on venting and folks will offer up the same advice couched in different language but you will still be marking time at the same spot.

 

There is a saying which states that if you do not change anything nothing will change. So it is with you. Think about it. Best wishes.

Edited March 12, 2019 by Just a Guy

[giotto]

Pity sex? Absolutely not. Beneath my dignity.

Well ... maybe once or twice.

(Just kidding.)

 

Can I just ask you one thing? Why have waited 18 months to start doing something about all this? One year and a half of no sex is an awful long time...

[Rotaglia]

Hi Rotaglia, none of all this fulminating is going to change a thing in your life. You say you have a lot to be thankful for in your life plus the fact that you love your wife(irrespective of whether she fulfils your sexual needs or not) then the best thing in the circumstances is to hunker down and stop complaining. You are not prepared to divorce your wife because divorce is not an aphrodisiac so that puts paid to any proactive options that you may have up your sleeve. Complaining to folks on this forum has'nt got you anything because you are not prepared to heed any of their advice. You can go on venting and folks will offer up the same advice couched in different language but you will still be marking time at the same spot.

 

There is a saying which states that if you do not change anything nothing will change. So it is with you. Think about it. Best wishes.

You criticize my complaining by ... complaining about it. How fascinating. Your glass house has thin walls, my friend.

 

Anyway, my rejoinder to you aside, you are correct that change is necessary and more important than talking/reading/talking about it; however, this forum helps me by testing ideas and by allowing me to process my feelings. If you have a problem with that then—you have a problem with that, but it is not my problem.

[elaine567]

Can I just ask you one thing? Why have waited 18 months to start doing something about all this? [/qUOTE]

 

My guess is that "something" happened 18 months ago, that excused/justified the shutting down of the sex.

Once that crisis or crises passed, he slowly realised that sex was not temporarily "off the table" it was gone for good and it wasn't coming back...

[giotto]

My guess is that "something" happened 18 months ago, that excused/justified the shutting down of the sex.

Once that crisis or crises passed, he slowly realised that sex was not temporarily "off the table" it was gone for good and it wasn't coming back...

 

Still puzzling... I was ill for 4 months, so my wife slept in the spare room... fair enough, I would have done the same. When I felt better, I asked her to come back, but she immediately stated that she was taking sex off the table. The time on her own helped her realised that she didn't want it anymore. I'm waiting for the last one to leave the nest in September and then we will have the final discussion. My expectations are zero and we will probably separate. Anyway, I don't really want to be with a woman who unilaterally decides we are done and then pretends nothing has happened... it's been 14 months of no sex... not long to go.

[Rotaglia]

Can I just ask you one thing? Why have waited 18 months to start doing something about all this? One year and a half of no sex is an awful long time...

A fair question. At first I assumed it was simply a normal dip in the frequency of sex typical of long-married couples. As time went on, I didn't want her to feel bad about it (and honestly I am much more comfortable having frank, explicit in-person conversations about sex than my wife is) so I dropped hints, took her out for dates, tried to do the things to put her in the mood and to set the stage as had typically worked well in the past. Nada—it didn't owork.

 

By the time I finally glanced at the calendar (figuratively speaking), almost a year had gone by when I approached my wife in the living room, tenderly stroked her feet, and after a while said, “Honey, I couldn't help but notice that we haven’t had sex in nearly a year. What on earth is going on?” She hardly replied but muttered something about wanting to improve things. I conveyed that I loved her and that sex is important for the relationship but she should feel free to discuss her feelings and/or problems with me and that I am here for her. She was done talking at that point.

 

A few months later, I raised the topic again and she tearfully told me that I should leave her for another woman so I could get the love, sex, and affection I deserve. I almost died on the spot; I was flabbergasted, gobsmacked. I hugged her and said, “Honey, I am not going anywhere. We have a problem here, sure—but let’s seek a solution together, okay? I love you and you are more important to me than sex. I would like us to have sex again when it is right for both parties.”

 

Unfortunately, nothing changed. She couldn't even take my suggsstion of small sexual gifts to one another (e.g., me performing oral sex on her, her stroking my penis, etc.). I suggested books, therapy, etc. but no takers. I finally got her to agree that I could masturbate in bed next to her—which to me is subsistence sex devoid of interpersonal connection.

 

I think perhapa one thing I could do is tell my wife that I will continue to regard her as my romantic partner but she needs to understand that this does not constitute acceptance—neither explicit nor implicit—of the sexlessness of the relationship and that I expect to take concrete steps toward rectifying it: read The Sex Starved Marriage, see a therapist, take more time for herself and for ua. I want her to demonstrate that she recognizes this major relationship roadblock and is putting effort into addressing it.

[Rotaglia]

The sexual bond between my wife and I has been ruptured by her unilateral breakoff of sexual activity and by the cruel silence that followed. Her poor judgment in not acknowledging to me that it had happened and why was extremely damaging to the trust between us. As horrified as this makes me feel, I think my wife was unconsciously using this as an escape hatch from the marriage that would push me away so that I would leave her and make myself the proverbial bad guy because she would not own her feelings or actions. I am dismayed by her thoughtlessness toward me and her appalling marital behavior.

[giotto]

she tearfully told me that I should leave her for another woman so I could get the love, sex, and affection I deserve.

 

This is your answer. My wife told me exactly the same thing. She really doesn't want to be with you, at least sexually, and she is prepared to sacrifice her marriage - your marriage - for this. It's a massive statement of intent. I'm afraid you are at the point of no return.

[Rotaglia]

My guess is that "something" happened 18 months ago, that excused/justified the shutting down of the sex.

My wife does not owe me sex. Sex is always voluntary; however, whereas sex is a function of a healthy relationship, her failure to see her obligation to acknowledge that irregularity and provide her perspective on why that was happening is at issue.

 

Any number of things would have been helpful for her to say: “Honey, I think it’s so sweet that you have been wanting to make love to me and you have probably noticed that I have not been responding in kind. I don’t mean to hurt your feelings, but I have been having issues with sex lately. It has nothing to do with you personally (or, alternatively, ‘there are some problems between us that are disrupting our sexual circuitry that we need to address’). I love you and you are handsome and sexy. Let’s work on this together, okay?”

 

But no-o-o-o! Instead, day-after-everloving day, she made a conscious, deliberate, hurtful choice to remain silent, to say absolutely bupkes, zilch, nada. She denied me the opportunity to respond compassionately and lovingly to her. Later she said she was “afraid of my reaction”—say what?!?! How can yo hold a man accountable for a response I haven't even had yet to a problem she neglected to raise—what arrogance, what chutzpah is that?

[Rotaglia]

So here’s a knowingly absurd question I am pondering: If all other aspects of our relationship were fine but she had her vagina, breasts, and anus removed for some reason like cancer and that rendered her physically unable to have sex, would I stay with her? I think the answer is yes.

 

It is not the absence of sex itself that is the dealbreaker—it is her conduct and statements attendant to that issue that really threaten the marriage.

[vla1120]

Near the end, I told my first husband if he wanted sex, he was free to find it elsewhere (considering he had already done this multiple times before.) I was hoping he would leave. I know your situation is different, but I really had resigned myself to only staying together “for the children.” I was the main breadwinner in a very stressful job and I was actually just exhausted and had no interest in being intimate with my husband (but even that was probably just an excuse for me to not want to be intimate with a man I knew had been intimate with my neighbor.)

 

I know my reasons were probably different than your wife’s, but when you mentioned she had told you to find it somewhere else, it made me wonder exactly why she thinks you would be entitled to, or would even consider going outside the marriage. Based on what you have said, I believe her definition of the marriage has changed. She may want to stay with you for the companionship, but the passion is gone for her.

Edited March 12, 2019 by vla1120

[bathtub-row]

It is not the absence of sex itself that is the dealbreaker—it is her conduct and statements attendant to that issue that really threaten the marriage.

 

That’s exactly what I wrote earlier. It’s her lack of desire to talk about it and deal with it in a fair manner that’s so wrong and disrespectful to you.

 

I don’t typically jump on the affair bandwagon but I think you do need to consider the possibility that she’s cheating on you. If my spouse rejected me for that length of time with no explanation, I’d hire a PI.