Wife Doesn't Want Sex, Doubts Marriage

[Blanco]

So many of my female friends complain to me that their SOs won't talk about their feelings. Now I'm in a marriage for 22 years and when I want to talk about my feelings, that's somehow anathema. I find that quite confusing.

 

No one said you can't talk about your feelings. Again, the issue is that your wife is not obligated to placate your feelings at the expense of hers (nor vice versa).

 

What I really want is a relationship reboot. Start over. Wipe away the painful experiences an start fresh. Let my wife and I date with no preconditions or expectations. That could work for me. She doesn't even have to do any rebooting, I could do it myself. I could detach all this crap from my mind ... maybe. Is it worth a try?

 

Sorry, but this is fantasy. You cannot ignore two decades of history, good or bad. And the idea that you'd do something like this without expectations is just not being honest with yourself. It's easy to tell yourself this now, but I really doubt you'd be that much more accepting of your wife's decision to not have sex even if you knew why. You'd still be looking to change her mind.

 

Why is a reasonable request of a husband to his wife tantamount to “begging”?

 

Because repeatedly asking someone to do something they don't want to do and have stated they don't want to do is at minimum in the begging ballpark.

 

My wife doesn't have to have sex with me ever again if she doesn't want to.

 

You certainly don't act like it.

 

I cannot accept certainty that is hidden from me.

 

You keep acting like knowing why would somehow make you accepting of your wife's decision, but I don't think that's true. That's like saying you would be more accepting of someone robbing your house if you knew why they did it.

[Rotaglia]

Did you have a budget for money each month or you spent whatever you wanted?

Interesting question! I think I addressed this earlier in the thread, but to recap we have always budgeted very carefully and use software to track our spending. We have many shared categories, like the mortgage, utilities, and groceries and certain individual ones for retirement. I get a personal budget for musical gear each month (a small amount but it adds up over time so I can buy things after a wait) plus clothes, lunches out, etc. and she gets a category for hair, nails, cosmetics, etc. It's worked pretty well and what we love about it is that since virtually all the spending is pre-agreed, there are few arguments. I have always considered it a marriage-enhancer and I think she does too.

You keep acting like knowing why would somehow make you accepting of your wife's decision, but I don't think that's true. That's like saying you would be more accepting of someone robbing your house if you knew why they did it.

Actually, there are several reasons why knowing the cause would help. Suppose she had an affair. Suppose she just fell out of love/attraction for me. Whatever the reason, it would help us figure out what we want to do next or at least what I want to do next. I can pursue a divorce or I can stay. Information is power. Edited May 3, 2019 by Rotaglia

[Blanco]

It would mean she wouldn't have to explain what happened. She gets a pass. I get over the experience of the last eighteen months. We forgive each other and seek renewal. What's wrong with that.

 

This logic assumes that she's now not sleeping with you because she feels bad that she's gone this long without doing so. It assumes she's thinking, "I'd love to sleep with him, but I've been so unfair to him that I don't think he'd go for it." In other words, more delusions. You have no leverage here, so it's best not to foment solutions that imply you're willing to forgive and forget so long as she resumes sleeping with you.

 

What does she want most? Maybe I can grant her wish, but I must know what it is first.

 

"I wish he would accept that I do not want to have sex with him."

 

I want us to have a grand romance. Sure, we can acknowledge that I want sex, but she doesn't have to guarantee it. She just has to assure that it's not off the table forever. And sex is not the goal. Emotional intimacy is the goal. If sex results from that, great—if it doesn't, then it's my problem, not hers.

 

I forgo my anger and resentment. I release them. I will show her love instead.

I can accept marriage without a guarantee of sex. I want to make out a whole bunch though. And I eventually want carte blanche to request sex and make passes. I want permission to try to arouse her sexually. If I fail, fine. But I need that green light at least. She has to be okay with me making advances and I have to be okay with her saying no.

 

What does love inspire us to do?

 

But there's a problem. Often when we kiss or make out and hug I get aroused and want to pursue things further and I hate it when I am rebuffed. She isn't particularly gentle or gracious about it, either. Plus we're grownups, not fourteen. We've been married 22 years. I never thought I'd be experiencing rejection from my own wife at this stage.

 

You aren't consistent with your words. You say you're OK with her not guaranteeing sex, but then in the next breath you say you want to do a lot of an activity (making out) that sexually arouses you. And uh, I don't see how that doesn't become an aggravating situation. We guys aren't exactly known for wanting to get sexually aroused and then just walk away whistling Zip-a-Dee-Doo-Dah.

[Rotaglia]

We guys aren't exactly known for wanting to get sexually aroused and then just walk away whistling Zip-a-Dee-Doo-Dah.

This is true.

 

So it's futile. I should file for divorce even though that punishes our daughter, an innocent party.

[Blanco]

Actually, there are several reasons why knowing the cause would help. Suppose she had an affair. Suppose she just fell out of love/attraction for me. Whatever the reason, it would help us figure out what we want to do next or at least what I want to do next. I can pursue a divorce or I can stay. Information is power.

 

But in the end, the answer is still the same. She doesn't want to have sex with you. Everything else is just peripheral details.

[preraph]

She doesn't want to have sex with you because she doesn't want to have sex with you. That's the reason. You keep hoping it's because of some easily fixed technicality like, I don't want to have sex with you anymore because your left elbow is crusty, and then you go put on lotion. You know perfectly well it's not something fixable or she'd have asked you to fix it already.

[Blanco]

This is true.

 

So it's futile. I should file for divorce even though that punishes our daughter, an innocent party.

 

Are you this passive aggressive in real life?

[Rotaglia]

"I wish he would accept that I do not want to have sex with him."

If that is sincerely what she thinks, I would appreciate if she would so state so I can decide how to respond.

Are you this passive aggressive in real life?

Rotaglia is. I am not. We are not the same person.

But in the end, the answer is still the same. She doesn't want to have sex with you. Everything else is just peripheral details.

Then I face a very stark choice: A sexless marriage that does not satisfy me or a divorce. Bookends to a crap sandwich. Edited May 3, 2019 by Rotaglia

[Blanco]

If that is sincerely what she thinks, I would appreciate if she would so state so I can decide how to respond.

 

Words are nice, but actions are more telling. Her actions show you that you really shouldn't need a declarative statement at this point. Again, you're just not liking the reality, so you're continuing to defer to someone else for decisions you are capable of making on your own.

[Rotaglia]

you're continuing to defer to someone else for decisions you are capable of making on your own.

So it's like I said: A sexless marriage or divorce. A sexless marriage would be unhappy for me and likely lead to divorce eventually. So that reduces my choices not to whether to divorce but when.

 

I turn 50 soon. Life is short. Do I really want to seek a new relationship? The idea is not appealing. I will not cheat on my wife, not even with her permission. That's not why I got married. That is not what an honorable man does and my values are not negotiable.

Edited May 3, 2019 by Rotaglia

[BettyDraper]

What I really want is a relationship reboot. Start over. Wipe away the painful experiences an start fresh. Let my wife and I date with no preconditions or expectations. That could work for me. She doesn't even have to do any rebooting, I could do it myself. I could detach all this crap from my mind ... maybe. Is it worth a try?

 

Why is a reasonable request of a husband to his wife tantamount to “begging”?

 

My wife doesn't have to have sex with me ever again if she doesn't want to. She never had to. I'd love it if she could find her way back to wanting to again. Perhaps it is never to be and that makes me terribly sad.

 

It's quite obvious to anyone who is reading this thread that you cannot accept the lack of sex in your marriage. You would not have started a very long thread about this topic or brought up divorce several times if you were so accepting. I find it hard to understand why you're dishonest with yourself and LS members. It's okay to be angry and resentful about not having sex with your wife, R. It might be healthy to come to terms with those feelings.

Edited May 4, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
quote edited

[Rotaglia]

I find it hard to understand why you're dishonest with yourself and LS members.

I am not dishonest. I am struggling. My feelings are in conflict with one another.

you cannot accept the lack of sex in your marriage.

Are you saying I should accept it? Edited May 4, 2019 by Rotaglia

[Mr. Lucky]

I should file for divorce even though that punishes our daughter, an innocent party.

 

Earlier you said this:

 

Sex produced our older kid. The younger one is adopted. But that's not really relevant.

 

Why the concern for only one child? Curious if your oldest offsping is an adult?

 

Mr. Lucky

[BaileyB]

Are you saying I should accept it?

 

She is stating the obvious, that you can not accept the lack of sex in your marriage. If you could, you wouldn’t be discussing the same things on page 105 that you were discussing on page 5. You wouldn’t be still trying to convince your wife to have a conversation with you with the hope that she will somehow change her mind...

Edited May 4, 2019 by BaileyB

[BettyDraper]

@BaileyB thanks. You're exactly right.

[Soxfaninfl]

I turn 50 soon. Life is short. Do I really want to seek a new relationship? The idea is not appealing. I will not cheat on my wife, not even with her permission. That's not why I got married. That is not what an honorable man does and my values are not negotiable.

 

I’m in the same situation as you. My wife is 49 and I’m 43. I haven’t had sex in 2 years and before that it was once a year for three years. I’m waiting for my son to leave for college in 2 years, and then I plan to leave. I will not cheat nor will I have an open marriage.

Edited May 4, 2019 by Soxfaninfl

[Rotaglia]

Okay, you guys—my wife came home from her very exhausting business trip and we actually had a pretty long and good talk! No, she didn't agree to hop into bed right now, but we pretty much went over all of the issues raised in the thread and I feel like we both were heard. This was a huge relief.

 

She agreed, astoundingly, to go to marriage counseling because, as she put it, she wants help breaking out of the impasse or stasis we currently find ourselves in and she wants to move the relationship forward.

 

I got to air my grievances about the sexless state of our marriage and she recognized that it was really painful for me and not by design. She said that menopause, burnout, and exhaustion were factors and it really wasn't about her feelings for me at all. It's not guaranteed that we can recover our sex life, but we agreed that it is worth a shot.

 

So we are going to pursue relationship repair together. I am so pleased. There is no guarantee of success or of any particular outcome. We might even still get divorced—although I believe that looks less likely now—but we have achieved a great deal more openness and clarity than we had before.

 

This is a big win for the two of us. A breakthrough. I am really pleased. What a relief!! I have no illusions and the road ahead is going to be hard, but at least at last we are really, honestly communicating without fear.

 

I could not have done this without the support of this community. We may have fussed at each other and some of you got mad at me but I honestly could not have gotten here or done as well tonight if it weren't for all of you. I am so grateful. This is not the end of the story but it is a major turning point.

Edited May 4, 2019 by Rotaglia

[snowcones]

Oh that's good news. At least you were heard and she gave you a big part of what you wanted, which was listening to you. I wish you the best of luck.

I don't really get the logic that some men have to wait until the kids turn 18. I think it's something they tell themselves just to buy more time because they're not ready to leave or don't want to. Once they turn 18, then the goal-post will move to once the kids graduate from college. Then it'll move to once we finish remodeling the house. Then it'll move to once my ailing mother is better. And on and on it goes.

Edited May 4, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
removed quote

[giotto]

I don't really get the logic that some men have to wait until the kids turn 18.

 

Once they leave, we don't have to be there day after day being a father doing fatherly things...

 

We don't have a bad marriage and we don't argue. My kids know we don't entirely "get on", but we don't hate each other. So, I'm staying until I'm not needed anymore. That will be soon.

[giotto]

I’m glad she talked and listened..

 

She is just stalling. She is exhausted and menopausal. Maybe he will get an offer similar to my wife's... would once a year be ok with you?

 

This is true.

Edited May 4, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[basil67]

Actually, there are several reasons why knowing the cause would help.

 

OK, I suggested menopause ages ago. It's either that or a relationship disconnect. Have you bought the book I suggested earlier?

[giotto]

It's not guaranteed that we can recover our sex life, but we agreed that it is worth a shot.

 

 

DO NOT put her under any pressure. She will need time. I know you've been waiting a long time, but be prepared to wait even longer...

 

If you want my opinion I'm pessimistic, but you never know...

[elaine567]

...she wants help breaking out of the impasse or stasis we currently find ourselves in and she wants to move the relationship forward.

 

What does that mean?

I very much doubt she is talking about the sex here.

The withholding of sex will just be a symptom of a deeper issue I guess.

[giotto]

The withholding of sex will just be a symptom of a deeper issue I guess.

 

She said it was a combination of menopause, burnout and exhaustion and it has nothing to do with him.

[elaine567]

She said it was a combination of menopause, burnout and exhaustion and it has nothing to do with him.

 

OK but she HAS withdrawn from him, so of course it has something to do with him.

Otherwise had their relationship been good, they would have discussed her burnout and exhaustion together, and they would both be scouring the internet for menopausal relief strategies.

No, instead she chose to withdraw and stop the sex all together.

There is a fundamental disconnect here.

Hopefully marriage guidance will help.