Wife Doesn't Want Sex, Doubts Marriage

[Rotaglia]

I think the goal is mutual understanding.

Edited May 6, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
removed quote

[Rotaglia]

We have had much better communication recently. Friday night was a bit of a breakthrough. Not only did she agree to marriage counseling but we agreed to begin actively working to rebuild our relationship. Sounds good to me!

[preraph]

I think it would be a great idea at this point if you just stopped ruminating on this until you are before the marriage counselor.

[BaileyB]

I think it would be a great idea at this point if you just stopped ruminating on this until you are before the marriage counselor.

 

I could not agree more.

[BettyDraper]

@Blanco Look, all I'm really looking for here is a practical, kind, loving solution. Let's get real—it's abundantly clear that my wife is not into sex right now, period, so that's off the table. Any kind of sex (oral, manual, penetrative, etc.). That's fine. I just would like some clarity on that. Once we are clear there is no leeway, we can decision-make from there. I've already released the pressure for sex as much as I realistically can.

 

The thornier question is whether it is likely or possible for her to regain some of her libido in general and then later, maybe, some desire to have sex with her husband (that would be me). If she's not open to that possibility at all, then fine—say so and we can decision-make from there.

 

Perhaps there is a way of looking at all of this that would allow the marriage to continue and the romantic relationship to be rebuilt. Or maybe not. But let's talk about it. Let's explore. Isn't that the essence of what marriage counseling is for?

 

People tell you to be honest and then they get mad when you actually *are* honest. That hardly encourages honesty.

 

It's too bad she isn't even interested in receiving oral sex from me, but I can certainly understand. I'd be happy to do that. If you're not into intercourse, chances are you aren't much for oral either.

 

Look, it has already been established that your wife is not interested in doing anything more than just cuddling, kissing, and holding hands. Please do not ask about other sexual acts because that will just be seen as more pressure. The constant asking is needy and disrespectful. You are not respecting your wife's boundaries when you incessantly ask about sex.

[Rotaglia]

cuddling, kissing, and holding hands. Please do not ask about other sexual acts because that will just be seen as more pressure. You are not respecting your wife's boundaries when you incessantly ask about sex.

I understand your point but I really have been asking neither explicitly nor implicitly for anything sexual for quite some time—although I will not apologize for continuing to want sex and or for the fact that I still become aroused while we are kissing and cuddling. In other words, I don’t hide my horniness or my attraction to my wife, but I don’t say “Let’s do this” or “Let’s do that,” okay?

 

I am growing weary of the anti-male bias around here. If I were a woman with the identical story I would not be constantly labeled as “needy” for having needs. Please exmine your prejudices and sexism.

Edited May 6, 2019 by Rotaglia

[BaileyB]

If you think she isn’t very aware of the fact that you want sex, you are fooling yourself...

[BettyDraper]

I understand your point but I really have been asking neither explicitly nor implicitly for anything sexual for quite some time—although I will not apologize for continuing to want sex and or for the fact that I still become aroused while we are kissing and cuddling. In other words, I don’t hide my horniness or my attraction to my wife, but I don’t say “Let’s do this” or “Let’s do that,” okay?

 

I am growing weary of the anti-male bias around here. If I were a woman with the identical story I would not be constantly labeled as “needy” for having needs. Please exmine your prejudices and sexism.

 

You are not needy for having needs.

You are needy for the way you constantly whinge about your needs instead of being the rock your wife has requested.

There is nothing prejudicial about pointing that out.

[Rotaglia]

For some people, sex is a rather strong need, not merely a thing that would be nice to have. Deprive such a person of sex for eighteen months and he or she might go a little nuts. Have a heart, people!

[BettyDraper]

I sympathize with how difficult it must be to go without sex for years when you're in love with your wife. However, it unproductive and unhealthy to look for assistance on a forum and then attack those who try to help you. Nobody is going to "have a heart" if you continue to throw tantrums or make snide remarks. You are way too old for that kind of behavior, R. It is not our fault that your wife refuses to be intimate with you. Your anger is misplaced.

 

It appears that you require the assistance of mental health professionals because many of your posts seem rather unhinged. Understandably, your marital difficulties are taking a toll on your psyche.

[BettyDraper]

Nobody implied that stopping rumination is easy. "Stop ruminating" was a suggestion.

[Rotaglia]

@preraph I thank you for the suggestion.

[Rotaglia]

Maybe it would be more useful if you post again when something changes.

You just posted. Did something change for you?

This thread has 1,658 replies, 24,229 views, and 636 likes at this writing. Obviously someone finds it interesting and/or value and so do I. I fail to see what test I have failed.

Edited May 6, 2019 by Rotaglia

[BaileyB]

The rumination takes the form of looping through what has become a persistent pattern. After 110 pages, it’s become quite predictable.

 

This is why I too would suggest that you stop ruminating and have this discussion with your wife at marriage counselling. You are not solving any problems here, if anything it causes you to become very worked up which is unproductive and makes you appear rather unreasonable at times.

[preraph]

I'm not trying to run Rotaglia off from posting. I just think it might be a good idea for him to take a little break from stewing about it because it's stressful, and then really concentrate on in in therapy. I also worried that while he's in counseling, he needs to stay focused on what happens in counseling and what the therapist says and I hope he doesn't get it mixed up and think of something that was set on here and confuse it who said it.

[BettyDraper]

@BettyDraper If we use your own posts as the standard for non-attacking, my posts would certainly qualify as well. What’s good for the goose is good for the gander.

 

To tell someone who has already engaged a psychiatrist, a therapist, and a marriage counselor that he needs mental health help is quite unnecessary, thank you.

 

It’s also unnecessary to post strange one sided conversations in an effort to appear sardonic or reject all of the advice you have been given.

 

Unlike you, I have not resorted to name calling and refused to take responsibility for my emotions as well as my actions.

 

Have you told your mental health team about this thread? It could be helpful to show it to your therapist and your psychiatrist. They might not understand the full extent of your issues.

[BettyDraper]

You just posted. Did something change for you?

This thread has 1,658 replies, 24,229 views, and 636 likes at this writing. Obviously someone finds it interesting and/or value and so do I. I fail to see what test I have failed.

 

S2B isn’t looking for help, R. You are.

What test are you referring to?

[Blanco]

I am growing weary of the anti-male bias around here. If I were a woman with the identical story I would not be constantly labeled as “needy” for having needs. Please exmine your prejudices and sexism.

 

I'm a guy and think you're also being a bit ridiculous. So I don't think it's an anti-man thing. Far as I can tell, just about anyone who's consistently posted in this thread has said they understand your frustration regarding the absence of sex.

 

Where you're getting push back is your steadfast refusal to make a decision based on things as they are. You won't divorce, but you also won't accept that your wife does not want to have sex with you. I would assume people are growing weary of this. It's like listening to someone complain that they can't fit into their favorite clothes anymore while refusing to eat better and exercise.

 

Look, I'll shoot straight with you: I wouldn't want to be in your position, but I also don't think you're as selfless as you make yourself out to be. I think you've exhausted your wife, who's already stretched to the limit. You've pestered her about sex like a child begging for dessert.

 

I'm glad you two will be taking on marriage counseling, but let's be real: All of this is still ultimately focused on you getting what you want from your wife. You can talk about wanting to rebuild, compromise, and all that, but the end game is still about you getting sex from someone who's said she doesn't want it. It's fine you have needs, but it's patronizing to act like this is some grand, selfless undertaking on your part as if you aren't the one who stands to benefit the most from the process.

[giotto]

It’s possible his wife wants counseling so he understands he won’t get it from her.

 

To be fair to the OP, he has said that he expects the counselling to sanction the end of the marriage. His wife said this too. She didn't want to go because she thought they would end up divorcing over it. So, this is the reality. There is no happy ending to this.

 

Some marriages don't last forever. They run their course, especially in older age when priorities shift. For us, this has coincided with the empty nest, so the decision is somewhat easier, but not less painful (at least for me). Rotaglia will accept this, but it takes time.

[elaine567]

I don't think his wife wants to end the marriage.

She could have ended it ~4 years ago when she stopped the BJs or ~2 years ago when she stopped the sex, but she didn't, as marriage is more than just sex to her.

I think Rotalglia wants to give up on the marriage due to lack of sex, but he doesn't want to be the "bad guy" and he doesn't want to lose his cosy existence, nor does he have the courage of his convictions.

He needs his wife to make that decision for him and as she is pretty happy in her sexless marriage, he is frustrated and annoyed.

She "should" give him sex or she "should" divorce him but as she is in no mind to do either, he is stuck ruminating...

[giotto]

I don't think his wife wants to end the marriage.

 

No, she doesn't... that's why she didn't want to go to counselling. She likes the status quo. Like my wife, who told me some time ago "why can't you be with me and love me the way I am without sex?". But she doesn't have a sex drive anymore, I do...

 

At the end of the day, the choice is very restricted for the OP: give up on sex for the rest of his life or divorce. It's a stark choice, but inevitable.

[thefooloftheyear]

No, she doesn't... that's why she didn't want to go to counselling. She likes the status quo. Like my wife, who told me some time ago "why can't you be with me and love me the way I am without sex?". But she doesn't have a sex drive anymore, I do...

 

At the end of the day, the choice is very restricted for the OP: give up on sex for the rest of his life or divorce. It's a stark choice, but inevitable.

 

Without getting into the moral/ethical debate, just for the sake of this discussion, what do you think you or the OPs wife would think if you visited an escort/prostitute/massage parlor, etc to have your needs met? Because these women basically "closed up shop", would they be ok with it? Of course assuming you didn't come out and tell her, but maybe she had a suspicion about it...

 

TFY

[giotto]

what do you think you or the OPs wife would think if you visited an escort/prostitute/massage parlor, etc to have your needs met?

 

My wife said I could have sex with one of the women I know from the pub...

 

I know she didn't mean it, but she is aware that the situation is less than ideal for me. I wouldn't do it, obviously. To me, the right thing to do would be to separate first. Because it's not just the sex. I think many people here are dismissing the need for physical bonding and intimacy that some men have. If I can't have sex with my wife, I will be single and take it from there. If it doesn't happen, never mind. Being with my wife and not being able to have the deeper (no pun intended) relationship we had before is not acceptable. I'm not settling for a relationship that makes me unhappy.

[Tristian]

Thread reopened after cooling off period. OP has been advised to make liberal use of the ALERT function so please keep that in mind when posting your replies.

Edited May 8, 2019 by Tristian

[Rotaglia]

Hats off to the moderators for implementing a sensible temporary freeze on this thread to allow everyone to regain their composure.

 

A brief update: My wife and I have agreed to undertake a relationship rebuilding process. In principle she's agreed to contact the marriage counselor I have identified but has yet to place the call. I am applying zero pressure, just focusing on being helpful, cheerful, and supportive. My new job is great. My kids are struggling a bit with end-of-year school stuff and interpersonal issues with friends and the like (nothing I can't handle).

 

Our anniversary is coming up in two weeks. I'm thinking of booking a night at a hotel and also replacing (after 19 years) my wife's engagement ring that was lost or stolen with a stone from my mother's earring in it (very sad loss). I figure this is a good time to symbolize renewal.

 

I told my wife in no uncertain terms that we have to finally come to terms with relationship repair—including the daunting task of trying to restore the sexual connection between us—if our marriage is going to survive. She was a bit stunned by my boldness but she agreed. It's no guarantee of success but I can at least feel good about how I handled it.

 

Don't touch that dial. Things are about to get very interesting.