Wife Doesn't Want Sex, Doubts Marriage

[Soxfaninfl]

I turn 50 soon. Life is short. Do I really want to seek a new relationship? The idea is not appealing. I will not cheat on my wife, not even with her permission. That's not why I got married. That is not what an honorable man does and my values are not negotiable.

 

I’m in the same situation as you. My wife is 49 and I’m 43. I haven’t had sex in 2 years and before that it was once a year for three years. I’m waiting for my son to leave for college in 2 years, and then I plan to leave. I will not cheat nor will I have an open marriage.

Edited May 4, 2019 by Soxfaninfl

[Rotaglia]

Okay, you guys—my wife came home from her very exhausting business trip and we actually had a pretty long and good talk! No, she didn't agree to hop into bed right now, but we pretty much went over all of the issues raised in the thread and I feel like we both were heard. This was a huge relief.

 

She agreed, astoundingly, to go to marriage counseling because, as she put it, she wants help breaking out of the impasse or stasis we currently find ourselves in and she wants to move the relationship forward.

 

I got to air my grievances about the sexless state of our marriage and she recognized that it was really painful for me and not by design. She said that menopause, burnout, and exhaustion were factors and it really wasn't about her feelings for me at all. It's not guaranteed that we can recover our sex life, but we agreed that it is worth a shot.

 

So we are going to pursue relationship repair together. I am so pleased. There is no guarantee of success or of any particular outcome. We might even still get divorced—although I believe that looks less likely now—but we have achieved a great deal more openness and clarity than we had before.

 

This is a big win for the two of us. A breakthrough. I am really pleased. What a relief!! I have no illusions and the road ahead is going to be hard, but at least at last we are really, honestly communicating without fear.

 

I could not have done this without the support of this community. We may have fussed at each other and some of you got mad at me but I honestly could not have gotten here or done as well tonight if it weren't for all of you. I am so grateful. This is not the end of the story but it is a major turning point.

Edited May 4, 2019 by Rotaglia

[snowcones]

Oh that's good news. At least you were heard and she gave you a big part of what you wanted, which was listening to you. I wish you the best of luck.

I don't really get the logic that some men have to wait until the kids turn 18. I think it's something they tell themselves just to buy more time because they're not ready to leave or don't want to. Once they turn 18, then the goal-post will move to once the kids graduate from college. Then it'll move to once we finish remodeling the house. Then it'll move to once my ailing mother is better. And on and on it goes.

Edited May 4, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
removed quote

[S2B]

I’m glad she talked and listened.

 

Does she understand you considered divorcing her?

 

I hope action (new action) will follow.

 

Don’t get your hopes up. Expectations are what disappoint people.

[giotto]

I don't really get the logic that some men have to wait until the kids turn 18.

 

Once they leave, we don't have to be there day after day being a father doing fatherly things...

 

We don't have a bad marriage and we don't argue. My kids know we don't entirely "get on", but we don't hate each other. So, I'm staying until I'm not needed anymore. That will be soon.

[giotto]

I’m glad she talked and listened..

 

She is just stalling. She is exhausted and menopausal. Maybe he will get an offer similar to my wife's... would once a year be ok with you?

 

This is true.

Edited May 4, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[basil67]

Actually, there are several reasons why knowing the cause would help.

 

OK, I suggested menopause ages ago. It's either that or a relationship disconnect. Have you bought the book I suggested earlier?

[giotto]

It's not guaranteed that we can recover our sex life, but we agreed that it is worth a shot.

 

 

DO NOT put her under any pressure. She will need time. I know you've been waiting a long time, but be prepared to wait even longer...

 

If you want my opinion I'm pessimistic, but you never know...

[elaine567]

...she wants help breaking out of the impasse or stasis we currently find ourselves in and she wants to move the relationship forward.

 

What does that mean?

I very much doubt she is talking about the sex here.

The withholding of sex will just be a symptom of a deeper issue I guess.

[giotto]

The withholding of sex will just be a symptom of a deeper issue I guess.

 

She said it was a combination of menopause, burnout and exhaustion and it has nothing to do with him.

[elaine567]

She said it was a combination of menopause, burnout and exhaustion and it has nothing to do with him.

 

OK but she HAS withdrawn from him, so of course it has something to do with him.

Otherwise had their relationship been good, they would have discussed her burnout and exhaustion together, and they would both be scouring the internet for menopausal relief strategies.

No, instead she chose to withdraw and stop the sex all together.

There is a fundamental disconnect here.

Hopefully marriage guidance will help.

[giotto]

There is a fundamental disconnect here.

 

I agree, but why is she not telling him? She doesn't want to upset him? I think it's a bit too late for that. It all seems very odd. You just don't stop having sex like that without an explanation. As you say, MC might be very useful.

[thefooloftheyear]

I agree, but why is she not telling him? She doesn't want to upset him? I think it's a bit too late for that. It all seems very odd. You just don't stop having sex like that without an explanation. As you say, MC might be very useful.

 

Some people are just "rug sweepers"...They just don't want to confront a problem and just would rather that it "go away" on its own..

 

And I get the feeling she is doing this with a proverbial gun to her head....That's not really the way it should be and less likely to be successful, but who knows? I hope it does for the sake of them..

 

TFY

[thefooloftheyear]

I don't really get the logic that some men have to wait until the kids turn 18. I think it's something they tell themselves just to buy more time because they're not ready to leave or don't want to. Once they turn 18, then the goal-post will move to once the kids graduate from college. Then it'll move to once we finish remodeling the house. Then it'll move to once my ailing mother is better. And on and on it goes.

 

 

You don't really get the logic, because its not something you have ever experienced personally...For a lot of men it's not merely an excuse, they'd love to leave, but practicality and the economics of it just take a precedence.....If you don't believe it, ask any guy in that situation what he would do if he managed to win a lottery while in the middle of this....Then see if they don't want to...

 

In this guys case, he has the added dimension of not being necessarily on strong ground economically....He may not want to admit this, but I would bet the farm that if he was personally financially strong he probably would bail out on this....

 

TFY

[BaileyB]

So, apparently your wife isn’t as difficult to talk with as you believed... she was very receptive, especially considering you picked a terrible time to have this heart to heart talk - just after she returned from a stressful and exhausting business trip.

 

It’s difficult to comprehend why it took all this time and 105 pages for you to have a conversation with your wife. Yet still, I wish you well at marriage counselling.

[elaine567]

It’s difficult to comprehend why it took all this time and 105 pages for you to have a conversation with your wife. Yet still, I wish you well at marriage counselling.

 

Conflict avoidance.

[BaileyB]

Conflict avoidance.

 

Clearly. And all this talk about how difficult it is to communicate with her - she seems quite reasonable to me. Perhaps the communication difficulties in this marriage are not hers, but his.

[bathtub-row]

She said it was a combination of menopause, burnout and exhaustion and it has nothing to do with him.

 

I think it does have to do with him. A man should be someone a woman can turn to and lean on for support and, when she’s in the position of carrying the burdens, it’s disastrous for her. I don’t believe he has been a strong man in her life and this has caused a huge disconnect between them and has worn her out. Most women do not do well when they have to “mother” the man in their life.

 

I’m glad they talked, although it appears that the real issue of having shut him out and previously put conversations on lockdown has not been addressed. I think therapy will reveal her intense resentment toward him, but I hope they can get things resolved and keep their marriage intact.

 

OP, I think it’s imperative that you show your wife - by your actions, not by talking her to death - that you’re not a piece of delicate china that she has to tiptoe around.

[snowcones]

In this guys case, he has the added dimension of not being necessarily on strong ground economically....He may not want to admit this, but I would bet the farm that if he was personally financially strong he probably would bail out on this....

I’ve been married before with kids so yes I have experienced it. And I’ve seen men in all different types of financial situations not leave. Men are scared, bottom line. They wrote the part in the vows “Until death do us part” because they meant it.

Edited May 4, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Rotaglia]

OP, I think it’s imperative that you show your wife - by your actions, not by talking her to death - that you’re not a piece of delicate china that she has to tiptoe around.

Yes, I agree. She has mentioned that my being "her rock" is super-important to her and I have been focusing on that of late—projecting quiet masculine strength, confidence, and leadership. I am running things by her less and just doing them and leaving space for her to unwind and de-stress.

 

I'm a realist here. There is no guarantee the marriage will survive and certainly no guarantee that sex will ever be possible. But at least the challenges are out in the open and some of the grief that comes from silence has been soothed.

Does she understand you considered divorcing her?

We both stated that each of us has considered divorcing the other. We each said that if things did not work out we would each try to treat each other with love and respect as much as possible and that we would be co-parents forever.

she was very receptive, especially considering you picked a terrible time to have this heart to heart talk - just after she returned from a stressful and exhausting business trip.

I swear it was not intended on my part. We were discussing upcoming calendar stuff and we had a conflict with a marriage workshop I had mentioned and we were agreeing not to attend when she surprised me by saying she wanted to see the marriage counselor I had identified. So believe it or not she pretty much was the one to bring it up. It was a very frank, very complete, very honest discussion. We didn't fix everything, but I sure felt better afterwards and I think she did too. She's sleeping now—yay!

 

The relationship needed that conversation.

Edited May 4, 2019 by Rotaglia

[giotto]

I'm happy for you and I hope things can be resolved.

[Mr. Lucky]

Clearly. And all this talk about how difficult it is to communicate with her - she seems quite reasonable to me. Perhaps the communication difficulties in this marriage are not hers, but his.

 

Or perhaps the inability to face things head on exists in both parties. Tough combination.

 

Given the OP's tendency to emphasize quantity over quality, going to take a number of sessions just to get the main issue out on the table...

 

Mr. Lucky

[preraph]

I am very happy your wife agreed to the marriage counseling (did you say workshop? I think this needs to be done in private, not with a group because it's going to get super personal about each other's flaws). Whatever happens, a true marriage counselor who brings everything out in the open will make it easier for you to move on should that become necessary. Don't go to some hack who is just giving couples a spa day or sex therapy, for God's sake! A real psychologist marriage counselor if you want good results.

[preraph]

I know having the talk lifts a lot of stress. Getting it all aired out in therapy will be another layer of relief for you both, I'm sure.

[Rotaglia]

It could turn into what amounts to a marriage exit interview. Preparation for that possibility has to be part of getting ready. It could also turn out to be a great big NothingBurger™ but that is going to have to okay, too.

 

Outcomes cannot be the focus. I will be who I will be. Actions are not undertaken to convince my wife to stay or to have sex or what ever. Wherever she is going she has to go there willingly.

 

In the back of both of our minds has to be that we have a very vulnerable twelve-year-old transgender child who is struggling with school and has mood challenges. She really needs both parents at home 100% of the time and I'll be damned if she's going to be subjected to having two part-time parents. So if we explore dissolution of the marriage I am really not sure how that part is going to work.

 

I also plan to fly to a distant state this week to escort my mother-in-law with dementia to hear from a doctor that she has rapidly progressing Alzheimer's Disease—her care will have to be worked out should there be a split.

 

Sadly, it is very difficult to envision a future where we rebuild and rekindle our romance and we each find sexual fulfillment in each other. My wishing does not make it so. Maybe my wife just needs permission to push the nuclear button. Whatever, I will pursue this with an open mind and no expectations.

 

Rebuilding this marriage is going to be a major challenge. If her heart isn't in it (or if mine isn't), it cannot possibly succeed. It's worth a shot, of course. One doesn't discard one's spouse of 22 years lightly. But if she really truly yearns to be single I can't do much about that at this point. If she really needs us to uncouple so be it—but if, on the other hand, she is actually serious about restoration ... I may have to actually take it seriously.