Wife Doesn't Want Sex, Doubts Marriage

[Rotaglia]

@preraph I thank you for the suggestion.

[S2B]

Maybe it would be more useful if you post again when something changes.

[Rotaglia]

Maybe it would be more useful if you post again when something changes.

You just posted. Did something change for you?

This thread has 1,658 replies, 24,229 views, and 636 likes at this writing. Obviously someone finds it interesting and/or value and so do I. I fail to see what test I have failed.

Edited May 6, 2019 by Rotaglia

[BaileyB]

The rumination takes the form of looping through what has become a persistent pattern. After 110 pages, it’s become quite predictable.

 

This is why I too would suggest that you stop ruminating and have this discussion with your wife at marriage counselling. You are not solving any problems here, if anything it causes you to become very worked up which is unproductive and makes you appear rather unreasonable at times.

[preraph]

I'm not trying to run Rotaglia off from posting. I just think it might be a good idea for him to take a little break from stewing about it because it's stressful, and then really concentrate on in in therapy. I also worried that while he's in counseling, he needs to stay focused on what happens in counseling and what the therapist says and I hope he doesn't get it mixed up and think of something that was set on here and confuse it who said it.

[BettyDraper]

@BettyDraper If we use your own posts as the standard for non-attacking, my posts would certainly qualify as well. What’s good for the goose is good for the gander.

 

To tell someone who has already engaged a psychiatrist, a therapist, and a marriage counselor that he needs mental health help is quite unnecessary, thank you.

 

It’s also unnecessary to post strange one sided conversations in an effort to appear sardonic or reject all of the advice you have been given.

 

Unlike you, I have not resorted to name calling and refused to take responsibility for my emotions as well as my actions.

 

Have you told your mental health team about this thread? It could be helpful to show it to your therapist and your psychiatrist. They might not understand the full extent of your issues.

[BettyDraper]

You just posted. Did something change for you?

This thread has 1,658 replies, 24,229 views, and 636 likes at this writing. Obviously someone finds it interesting and/or value and so do I. I fail to see what test I have failed.

 

S2B isn’t looking for help, R. You are.

What test are you referring to?

[S2B]

It’s not a test. It’s a matter of focusing energy on changing your marriage for the better without distractions... taking into co aiderationthe suggestions the counselor gives.

 

That was all I was suggesting... staying focused on changing - and just reporting back when things do change.

 

In order to not get distracted... ya know?

[Blanco]

I am growing weary of the anti-male bias around here. If I were a woman with the identical story I would not be constantly labeled as “needy” for having needs. Please exmine your prejudices and sexism.

 

I'm a guy and think you're also being a bit ridiculous. So I don't think it's an anti-man thing. Far as I can tell, just about anyone who's consistently posted in this thread has said they understand your frustration regarding the absence of sex.

 

Where you're getting push back is your steadfast refusal to make a decision based on things as they are. You won't divorce, but you also won't accept that your wife does not want to have sex with you. I would assume people are growing weary of this. It's like listening to someone complain that they can't fit into their favorite clothes anymore while refusing to eat better and exercise.

 

Look, I'll shoot straight with you: I wouldn't want to be in your position, but I also don't think you're as selfless as you make yourself out to be. I think you've exhausted your wife, who's already stretched to the limit. You've pestered her about sex like a child begging for dessert.

 

I'm glad you two will be taking on marriage counseling, but let's be real: All of this is still ultimately focused on you getting what you want from your wife. You can talk about wanting to rebuild, compromise, and all that, but the end game is still about you getting sex from someone who's said she doesn't want it. It's fine you have needs, but it's patronizing to act like this is some grand, selfless undertaking on your part as if you aren't the one who stands to benefit the most from the process.

[S2B]

But what if he doesn’t get that benefit from the counselor he wants?

 

It’s possible his wife wants counseling so he understands he won’t get it from her.

 

And then the counselor will suggest compromises.

 

But what if your wife won’t compromise? Be ready for that too.

 

I worry you may get disappointed. So set expectations low - while being honest.

[giotto]

It’s possible his wife wants counseling so he understands he won’t get it from her.

 

To be fair to the OP, he has said that he expects the counselling to sanction the end of the marriage. His wife said this too. She didn't want to go because she thought they would end up divorcing over it. So, this is the reality. There is no happy ending to this.

 

Some marriages don't last forever. They run their course, especially in older age when priorities shift. For us, this has coincided with the empty nest, so the decision is somewhat easier, but not less painful (at least for me). Rotaglia will accept this, but it takes time.

[elaine567]

I don't think his wife wants to end the marriage.

She could have ended it ~4 years ago when she stopped the BJs or ~2 years ago when she stopped the sex, but she didn't, as marriage is more than just sex to her.

I think Rotalglia wants to give up on the marriage due to lack of sex, but he doesn't want to be the "bad guy" and he doesn't want to lose his cosy existence, nor does he have the courage of his convictions.

He needs his wife to make that decision for him and as she is pretty happy in her sexless marriage, he is frustrated and annoyed.

She "should" give him sex or she "should" divorce him but as she is in no mind to do either, he is stuck ruminating...

[giotto]

I don't think his wife wants to end the marriage.

 

No, she doesn't... that's why she didn't want to go to counselling. She likes the status quo. Like my wife, who told me some time ago "why can't you be with me and love me the way I am without sex?". But she doesn't have a sex drive anymore, I do...

 

At the end of the day, the choice is very restricted for the OP: give up on sex for the rest of his life or divorce. It's a stark choice, but inevitable.

[thefooloftheyear]

No, she doesn't... that's why she didn't want to go to counselling. She likes the status quo. Like my wife, who told me some time ago "why can't you be with me and love me the way I am without sex?". But she doesn't have a sex drive anymore, I do...

 

At the end of the day, the choice is very restricted for the OP: give up on sex for the rest of his life or divorce. It's a stark choice, but inevitable.

 

Without getting into the moral/ethical debate, just for the sake of this discussion, what do you think you or the OPs wife would think if you visited an escort/prostitute/massage parlor, etc to have your needs met? Because these women basically "closed up shop", would they be ok with it? Of course assuming you didn't come out and tell her, but maybe she had a suspicion about it...

 

TFY

[giotto]

what do you think you or the OPs wife would think if you visited an escort/prostitute/massage parlor, etc to have your needs met?

 

My wife said I could have sex with one of the women I know from the pub...

 

I know she didn't mean it, but she is aware that the situation is less than ideal for me. I wouldn't do it, obviously. To me, the right thing to do would be to separate first. Because it's not just the sex. I think many people here are dismissing the need for physical bonding and intimacy that some men have. If I can't have sex with my wife, I will be single and take it from there. If it doesn't happen, never mind. Being with my wife and not being able to have the deeper (no pun intended) relationship we had before is not acceptable. I'm not settling for a relationship that makes me unhappy.

[Tristian]

Thread reopened after cooling off period. OP has been advised to make liberal use of the ALERT function so please keep that in mind when posting your replies.

Edited May 8, 2019 by Tristian

[Rotaglia]

Hats off to the moderators for implementing a sensible temporary freeze on this thread to allow everyone to regain their composure.

 

A brief update: My wife and I have agreed to undertake a relationship rebuilding process. In principle she's agreed to contact the marriage counselor I have identified but has yet to place the call. I am applying zero pressure, just focusing on being helpful, cheerful, and supportive. My new job is great. My kids are struggling a bit with end-of-year school stuff and interpersonal issues with friends and the like (nothing I can't handle).

 

Our anniversary is coming up in two weeks. I'm thinking of booking a night at a hotel and also replacing (after 19 years) my wife's engagement ring that was lost or stolen with a stone from my mother's earring in it (very sad loss). I figure this is a good time to symbolize renewal.

 

I told my wife in no uncertain terms that we have to finally come to terms with relationship repair—including the daunting task of trying to restore the sexual connection between us—if our marriage is going to survive. She was a bit stunned by my boldness but she agreed. It's no guarantee of success but I can at least feel good about how I handled it.

 

Don't touch that dial. Things are about to get very interesting.

[giotto]

Our anniversary is coming up in two weeks. I'm thinking of booking a night at a hotel and also replacing (after 19 years) my wife's engagement ring that was lost or stolen with a stone from my mother's earring in it (very sad loss). I figure this is a good time to symbolize renewal.

 

 

Talking about not putting too much pressure on her. Do you think the above is wise?

 

Now that she has agreed to all this stuff, take a step back and wait. Her actions will speak volumes. If you have to insist for her to stick to the plan, you will have your answer. In my case, my wife never followed through.

[healing light]

I don't feel her having pulled back is just about exhaustion, overwork, and menopause since earlier in thread (yes, I read this entire thread) she stated she was ambivalent about the relationship. That being said, I think you securing a job has helped to shift the dynamic a bit and release some of the pressure off her shoulders. It may even have made you more interesting to her now that 100% of your focus isn't on her and the state of the marriage.

 

I think your best shot is to continue to lay off the relationship discussions. I agree with the poster who said in this case you need to display more stereotypically masculine behavior--I truly think this is what she means by you being her rock. That she doesn't want to tend to giving you reassurance (which may be contributing to her exhaustion), that instead she needs you to be the support she can relax into. Basically I think the less neediness and pressure you can exhibit in your affairs and around the state of the relationship, the more I feel she will be willing to rebuild if it isn't too late.

[elaine567]

Our anniversary is coming up in two weeks. I'm thinking of booking a night at a hotel and also replacing (after 19 years) my wife's engagement ring that was lost or stolen with a stone from my mother's earring in it (very sad loss). I figure this is a good time to symbolize renewal.

 

This is a sentimental stone that belonged to your mother. Mixing wives and mothers is a risky move and wearing an engagement ring every day with a stone that belonged to your ?dead mother is not exactly every woman's dream...

Some may even say it is a cheap gesture and it is definitely not how to reignite passion. ?Dead mother's jewellery is not sexy.

 

Sounds like you are also on a renewed drive to pressurise her into sex.

You don't know how she will respond to that, she may decide divorce IS her best option and you may then have to fight her for that sentimental stone.

[thefooloftheyear]

Dead on.....DONT DO THAT(Mothers stone)...For exactly these reasons..It most likely wont go over well.....

 

And i'll say it again...Maybe its me, but I cant for the life of me imagine a scenario that resulted in a successful outcome where someone is being prodded or forced to now find sexual desire that isn't there.. Discussions, deadlines, etc.. She may comply, to get you off her back, but how would that be anything to be satisfied over??

 

TFY

Edited May 9, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
removed quote

[standtall]

So OP, what have you done new to change the situation?

Edited May 9, 2019 by standtall
grammar

[Rotaglia]

1. My mother is still alive;
   
2. The idea of a new ring was just an idea. I haven't raised it yet;
   
3. The lost ring contained a diamond that used to be set in an earring of my mother's. She decided to give one to my sister for her engagement ring and the other to me for my wife's engagement ring. The latter was subsequently stolen or lost;
   
4. Yes, I agree that securing my wife's agreement to attempt a rebuilding is more than enough for now and the key at this moment is to be confident, manly, and supportive. Forget the relationship talk;
   
5. It is beginning to dawn on me that, in this marriage at least, the most important way for me to communicate to my wife is not by talking or "working on the relationship" but through action;
   
6. I'd like the anniversary to be special but not too over-the-top.
   

@standtall I think the must crucial thing I did was be there for my wife without an expectation of a result or a reward ... and also gently explaining that it was time to address our issues already because ultimately the marriage itself is at stake. Framing that not as a threat or ultimatum but as an opportunity was important. I can't be sure how well I did but it seems to have moved the needle a bit.

 

@thefooloftheyear Restoring the sexual connection is going to be tough, no doubt. It will take a lot of effort and communication and progress will be gradual and there is no doubt that success is far from guaranteed. OTOH, maybe she actually wants that to succeed and has just been too scared or guilty to even attempt it. That is my current working theory.

Edited May 9, 2019 by Rotaglia

[BaileyB]

And i'll say it again...Maybe its me, but I cant for the life of me imagine a scenario that resulted in a successful outcome where someone is being prodded or forced to now find sexual desire that isn't there.. Discussions, deadlines, etc.. She may comply, to get you off her back, but how would that be anything to be satisfied over?

 

Also my thought. Expected to make the call to the marriage Counsellor of your choice, pressured to reengage in a sexual relationship when she has shown you by her actions these last two years that she is not interested, expected to go to a hotel room on your anniversary... that is pressure!

 

This may well be a tipping point, she will either do as you have asked to get you off her back or she is going to tell you to take a hike. I can’t help but feel that you have now assumed the role of “parent” by laying out your expectations for her behaviour and she has now been given the role of calling the Counsellor like a punished child. It will be really interesting to see if she makes that call. I’m sure she is weighing her options right now. People generally don’t like to be pressured into doing anything. It often has the very opposite of the desired result.

Edited May 9, 2019 by BaileyB

[Rotaglia]

@BaileyB I am not hassling her about the marriage counselor. She is free to not call, pick a different professional, or just do this as a DIY project. As far as the anniversary goes, I am trying to figure out a way to use that occasion to strengthen to marriage but it is not 100% clear how best to accomplish that objective.

 

If my wife perceives my trying to mend and extend our marriage as me “hassling” her, that is to her detriment. I am trying to re-establish a sense of emotional intimacy here. I haven't booked the hotel. Maybe I'll assemble our long-delayed wedding album instead.

 

How many women have prodded their husbands into rededicating themselves to sex after a period of sexlessness? Quite a few, I would wager.

 

To engage in marriage counseling merely to “get me off her back” is not likely to produce good results. She needs some level of buy-in for that to work.

Edited May 9, 2019 by Rotaglia