Wife Doesn't Want Sex, Doubts Marriage

[BaileyB]

Rotaglia, you will learn soon enough whether your wife wants to recommit to your marriage.

 

As to your attempt to prod her into having sex with you, I can help but hear my mothers voice in my head... when she would offer a new food for us to try at dinner, she would often tell us “You are going to try it, and you are going to like it!” I feel like you are going for the same approach here, and i’m not sure that you will have any more success than my mother did...

 

The future of your marriage will depend on whether she comes to you because she wants to, not because you have given her an ultimatum and pressured her into doing exactly what you want. That will not be sustainable long term.

[zouz71]

op ,

 

can't be in your shoes , but Ive been there ....

 

When Marriage goes sexless , it happens in stages , it is not a sudden heart attack ...

 

Sadly , I don't believe that anything will re-ignate the spark at this stage ;however , the good news is that you can change the situation by doing like me :

 

Lower your expectations :

 

-You won't be a happy person ,I know , but won't be sad .

 

I pass by myself into depressing moments , but they fade when I look at the achievements of maintaining the family , when I see my Kids happy , when I spend some good time with her etc ...

 

 

My only advise to you is that the more you hint or talk about desires or intimacy , the less you get , why ?

 

 

-because you are less sexy to your wife now , ( no offense , I am Too

 

-Because any move you make showing her that you sacrifice for her will not be seen .

 

-why ?

 

-Because she is a typical wive like my wife who is now bored from so many things including sex ,and if she hasn't done it yet , she feels happier doing things without you .

 

It happened to me , it happened to majority of my friends ,after years and years of mutual sacrifices , couples with families are ending up this way ; the exception is when the Woman is not a traditional wive , like she has maintained all those years a life style that makes her miss her hubby .

 

So you want to be happier ?

 

let her miss you ,let her really miss you , not by reminding her that you are always around ,

 

And buy her a ring , don't get her your mom precious stone for god sake , better :

let her choose it .

[Rotaglia]

It is unfair to demand that I be the strong, masculine presence in my marriage and then to chastise me for assuming leadership by taking action to preserve it.

The ring would be brand-new but a replacement for the heirloom that was lost.

 

@BaileyB I hear you, but really at this point what the heck else am I supposed to do? I genuinely love my wife and I would prefer to remain her husband, but the lack of emotional and physical intimacy is rotting our marriage out from within. Somebody has to do something to disrupt the current negative dynamic. It may not be the perfect plan, but damn it if we don’t try, I fear the reactor may soon melt down.

 

The next thing I plan to do is ask her to spend a few minutes in bed facing me instead of having her back to me per usual, just for the sake of cuddling and maybe a short non-relationship conversation.

Edited May 9, 2019 by Rotaglia

[bathtub-row]

Talking about not putting too much pressure on her. Do you think the above is wise?

 

Now that she has agreed to all this stuff, take a step back and wait. Her actions will speak volumes. If you have to insist for her to stick to the plan, you will have your answer. In my case, my wife never followed through.

 

It’s not wise at all. Give her some flowers and card and wish her a happy anniversary. Not even dinner. Just acknowledge it briefly and be done with it.

[vla1120]

Rotaglia, I understood from your post that the ring with your mother's stone had been lost or stolen and your thought is to replace that ring. I'm sorry that family heirloom is gone. I've always thought it is very special for a man to give a woman a ring that was his mother's or grandmother's.

 

Maybe instead of booking that room, you could talk to your wife and decide together what you would like to do for your anniversary? That way, she feels no pressure, but instead feels like your partner in the decision-making process. The replacement ring would be a very nice anniversary gift.

 

If only there were a pill that would lower your sex drive so that you would be at the same level of sex drive as your wife. Wait! There is! I know SSRIs tend to decrease sex drive. Is your wife on an anti-depressant? That might explain her loss of sex drive. I would imagine that was brought up somewhere in 100+ pages of postings? What about you? Are you feeling depressed? That might be the perfect solution, to try to decrease your sex drive a little bit to match hers. You probably think I'm being facetious . . . only a little.

 

Happy Anniversary!

[Rotaglia]

@vla1120 Yes, I like the thought of offering to plan the anniversary together, but she is so stressed out right now that I feel like she would prefer me to take leadership on that mini-project but not go overboard. We usually plan things together but I am endeavoring to do things differently to shake up the dynamic in our relationship by boldly taking the lead as the man.

 

I am liking the wedding album idea more and more. We got proofs of our wedding photos but never did a formal album, so maybe I could put one together as an anniversary gift.

 

Perhaps the ring can wait until next year when this relationship is hopefully on firmer ground.

 

I want to foster some physical intimacy right now that does not involve and does not lead to sex, but makes us feel emotionally closer. I think having her turn and face me in bed and perhaps rest her head on my chest sounds good to me. We might call this Touch and Proximity.

 

The marriage counselor idea is probably driving her nuts (I know she hates it), so even though I would be giving up that small bit of hard-earned leverage I could probably just tell her to forget about it but that I expect the rebuilding (no pressure for sex) to proceed apace.

 

Oooo, ooo — what about a couples’ spa day? She could get a manicure/pedicure/facial and I could get ... absolutely squat. ROTFL

 

Pleasure not pressure!!!

Edited May 9, 2019 by Rotaglia

[BaileyB]

Maybe instead of booking that room, you could talk to your wife and decide together what you would like to do for your anniversary? That way, she feels no pressure, but instead feels like your partner in the decision-making process. The replacement ring would be a very nice anniversary gift.

 

This!

 

Rotaglia, I understand where you are coming from. Something does need to change and you are not wrong for telling your wife that you want to go to marriage counselling and you want to reestablish the intimacy in your relationship. But, that’s where you leave it. It’s her choice, whether she wants to recommit to your marriage... In other words, she has to want to turn around and face you in bed of her own free will - not because you pressure her to do so.

 

If she does make that call, that’s when you begin the discussion of what you both can do to make the marriage work. You may think that you are not pressuring her, but I have no doubt that she knows exactly what you expect. I as someone recently said, I have no doubt that you have been pestering her like a child who wants dessert. Give her the space now to make her decision about whether she wants to call the marriage counsellor and recommit to the marriage - no more discussions, requests to cuddle, hotel rooms booked, etc...

 

And, I personally would save the ring until you know that she wants to recommit to the marriage. Not just words, actions. Given the “meaning” of a ring, I wouldn’t really want to give it to a woman who is ambivalent about the future of the marriage. Now is not the time...

[Rotaglia]

@BaileyB You are almost certainly right. I still think the turn-over-to-cuddle is a nice gesture and not a lot of pressure.

The previous ring, now lost, contained a diamond belonging to my still-living mother. The replacement would be new. I still like the idea, but it may be best left for next year.

Edited May 9, 2019 by Rotaglia

[BaileyB]

I like the thought of offering to plan the anniversary together, but she is so stressed out right now that I feel like she would prefer me to take leadership on that mini-project but not go overboard.

 

In her shoes, stressed and overwhelmed, unsure about the future of my marriage, with a husband who is constantly pressuring me to talk, be physically affectionate, and have sex... I think I would prefer for this day to pass as quickly and easily as possible. Have you considered the fact that the best thing you could do for your anniversary is nothing at all?

 

You have built this anniversary up into a very big thing in your mind. It may not be the same for your wife... just saying.

[Rotaglia]

You have built this anniversary up into a very big thing in your mind. It may not be the same for your wife... just saying.

There will be no sex. Maybe I should just say so. However, there will be some intimacy. There just has to be. I insist on that.

Last time we talked, I affirmed that I was “deeply in love” with her even though I know she is not quite feeling the same way right now. It's fine, really. I don't expect there to be parity of ardor.

Intimacy. Comfort. Pleasure. Sex Can Wait.

Edited May 9, 2019 by Rotaglia

[BaileyB]

There will be no sex. Maybe I should just say so. However, there will be some intimacy. There just has to be. I insist on that.

 

“You are going to do it and you are going to like it!”

 

Good luck with that. Demands in a marriage - a partnership - usually don’t go over well. I feel like you are about to learn that lesson the hard way...

[Rotaglia]

Demands in a marriage - a partnership - usually don’t go over well. I feel like you are about to learn that lesson the hard way...

If we are going to end up divorced anyway, what exactly do I have to lose by trying?

 

Funny how millions wives demand things of their husbands constantly all over the world and nobody wags a finger at them.

[elaine567]

I think the album, the ring, the hotel room etc, could all wait until this relationship is on more solid ground as they all seem to me to be emotional blackmail and "pressure".

In light of the real problems here, they are contrived nonsense. Bandaids.

Ask her when you both have plenty of time and are not stressed out or "busy" what she wants to do for your anniversary and then listen to her.

[Rotaglia]

@elaine567 My real aim here is to let my wife know that I truly care about her. I usually go for the collaborative approach but sometimes one needs to lead in a relationship.

Edited May 9, 2019 by Rotaglia

[elaine567]

"My real aim here is to let my wife know that I truly care about her."

 

BUT she is well aware of that.

She doesn't need these superficial trappings with their "hidden" agenda to tell her that.

You are "leading" her into a sex trap and it is not exactly subtle...

[giotto]

Somebody has to do something to disrupt the current negative dynamic.

 

No, you don't have to do anything now. She's promised she will be part of the plan and it's too early to put even more pressure on her.

 

For your anniversary, go to a nice restaurant with her and have a nice meal. And leave it to that. You have to give her time to come around and "digest" the fact that she has to work with you and on the marriage. Together. This is a big step. Don't ruin it.

[BaileyB]

"My real aim here is to let my wife know that I truly care about her."

 

BUT she is well aware of that.

She doesn't need these superficial trappings with their "hidden" agenda to tell her that.

You are "leading" her into a sex trap and it is not exactly subtle...

 

No, it’s no exactly subtle. Any intelligent woman would see that and respond accordingly...

[Blanco]

Funny how millions wives demand things of their husbands constantly all over the world and nobody wags a finger at them.

 

If you expect others here to cool down and play nice with you, you need to lose this chronic man vs. woman argument. It's not applicable to your situation and it's also a strawman argument.

 

I've seen plenty of threads on LS from girlfriends and wives bemoaning the lack of sex in their relationship/marriage. Exiting the relationship is nothing changes has frequently been suggested advice in those threads. In other words, precisely what's been going on in this thread.

[Crazelnut]

Please scrap the whole hotel room / diamond ring setup. Even if you don't intend it thusly, it comes across as pressure, desperation, and just plain ol' trying too hard.

 

Keep it low key and see what your wife does with the counselor.

[Rotaglia]

Yes, I accept the consensus here that the less I do right now, the better. And you folks are right that my wife has enough pressure in her life right now. If this rebuilding process is to succeed I need to be as mellow about it as possible. I admit that the pace she will set is probably slower than I would like but actually that's fine—her being satisfied with the process is probably more important right now.

 

Meanwhile, I'm enjoying the intense romantic kisses a lot and they do not have to lead to sex—in fact, it is probably for the best that it doesn't for the time being.

 

A low-key, enjoyable anniversary is the goal. No elaborate gifts, no grand gestures, no romantic overkill, just pleasantness and low-key affection.

I tried the extravagant romantic gestures on our last major date and although she was moved—even tearful—it really did not resonate for her the way I was hoping, so for now I will take it easy on that stuff.

 

It's a plan.

@Crazelnut Yes! If my wife fails to call the marriage counselor, that is 100% fine and she will face no reproach from me. If she mentions it, I may simply say, “That's okay with me. What prompted you to make that choice?” Or I may just nod. I'm not sure.

 

If it turns out my wife simply wants the counselor to help her ask me for a divorce, that sucks but that is also okay if that's my wife's process. Don't get me wrong—I hate that scenario. But I have to accept that as a possibility, likelihood unknown.

 

@giotto You nailed the feeling exactly. It's about projecting quiet strength and being okay with whatever happens next.

@elaine567 I promise I won't do any of that stuff but please don't call it “blackmail”—that's impugning my motives.

 

I've served the ball, now she has to hit it back over the net, I suppose.

Maximize the probability of success by doing as little as possible, right?

Edited May 9, 2019 by Rotaglia

[S2B]

Hats off to the moderators for implementing a sensible temporary freeze on this thread to allow everyone to regain their composure.

 

A brief update: My wife and I have agreed to undertake a relationship rebuilding process. In principle she's agreed to contact the marriage counselor I have identified but has yet to place the call. I am applying zero pressure, just focusing on being helpful, cheerful, and supportive. My new job is great. My kids are struggling a bit with end-of-year school stuff and interpersonal issues with friends and the like (nothing I can't handle).

 

Our anniversary is coming up in two weeks. I'm thinking of booking a night at a hotel and also replacing (after 19 years) my wife's engagement ring that was lost or stolen with a stone from my mother's earring in it (very sad loss). I figure this is a good time to symbolize renewal.

 

I told my wife in no uncertain terms that we have to finally come to terms with relationship repair—including the daunting task of trying to restore the sexual connection between us—if our marriage is going to survive. She was a bit stunned by my boldness but she agreed. It's no guarantee of success but I can at least feel good about how I handled it.

 

Don't touch that dial. Things are about to get very interesting.

 

You’re trying to put a band aid over a gaping wound.

 

What has she earned for the anniversary? NOTHING...

 

Get her a card... that says you hope the state of the marriage will improve. THAT is honest!!!

 

Anything else is being a martyr!!! Stop trying to reward bad behavior and a bad marriage! When she realizes you made no effort she might realize she gets what she gives = if she doesn’t realize it then tell her so!

[Crazelnut]

Y

@Crazelnut Yes! If my wife fails to call the marriage counselor, that is 100% fine and she will face no reproach from me. If she mentions it, I may simply say, “That's okay with me. What prompted you to make that choice?” Or I may just nod. I'm not sure.

Also not the right approach. It is not 100% fine! If your wife fails to make the appointment, you need to do the opposite. Communicate to her that she has demonstrated she does NOT want to save your marriage. Then act accordingly. In other words, she said she wants to save the marriage, but her actions would tell a completely different story. I would take it as a clear sign that she doesn't give a rat's patooty about your marriage.

[preraph]

I think you should just ask her casually, Anything you'd like to do for the anniversary coming up? If you have an idea, I'll plan it. Or we can keep it lowkey, whatever.

 

Save the ring for later. But I have no issue where the stone came from. My ring has my mom's first wedding diamond in it.

 

Hold off any of these plans like asking her to face you in bed until you have completed marriage counseling. You don't know what you're doing. It's too much.

 

Just hold off anything new until marriage counseling. I DO think it's fine you outright told her that sex had to be restored for the marriage to work. But now you've told her, don't do another thing until after marriage counseling.

 

If she doesn't call to make an appointment, you have a problem, and that means "no." I sincerely hope she's willing to give this longstanding marriage at least that good airing out before a trained professional, where you can both get out things that have gone unsaid at least.

[bathtub-row]

There will be no sex. Maybe I should just say so. However, there will be some intimacy. There just has to be. I insist on that.

Last time we talked, I affirmed that I was “deeply in love” with her even though I know she is not quite feeling the same way right now. It's fine, really. I don't expect there to be parity of ardor.

Intimacy. Comfort. Pleasure. Sex Can Wait.

 

Really? This is your plan? I think most people on this site have a better handle on your marriage than you do. Do you honestly expect affection at this stage? Do you really think announcing “I’m in love with you” gives you some leverage? And you’ve seriously downplayed her feelings with “she is not quite there”.

 

Seriously, you’re like a child who’s merely focused on what they want and think and feel, with little consideration of how your actions are impeding things. This elaborate anniversary idea that you’ve been thinking about for months now is really all about you, disguised under the veil of you doing something for her. I think you need to put the brakes on and do some genuine soul searching because I can honestly see why your wife has gone cold. I know you’re just going to defend yourself and your motives but I’m here to tell you that, from where I’m standing, you’re creating a lot of your own problems and can’t even see it.

[Rotaglia]

@bathtub-row If you read my more recent posts, I think it will become clear that my current approach has shifted away from what you have described.

Yes, people on this site may sometimes have a better handle on my marriage than I do. That's why I'm here!!

They managed to talk me out of the ring/album/hotel idea, for example.

Edited May 9, 2019 by Rotaglia