Missing her or lonely?

[Logo]

I dated someone recently and there is a possibility of continuing to date, but I don’t know if I miss her for who she is, her personality, the connection We had or if I miss her because I’m lonely or miss the affection.

 

How do you tell the difference? I keep thinking about her.

[preraph]

I just think you're lonely. Probably even getting out and starting a new hobby where you were around people would help. And you probably miss her a little too. Try to stay busy doing things you enjoy when you can.

[Logo]

I just think you're lonely. Probably even getting out and starting a new hobby where you were around people would help. And you probably miss her a little too. Try to stay busy doing things you enjoy when you can.

 

 

 

I spend time with my friends, we laugh, we have a good time and I still feel lonely. I haven’t had a connection like I did with her in 5 years. What if I have to wait another 5 to feel such closeness?

[preraph]

Well, I guess it could. Staying busy always helped me get through it. Be sure and put yourself out there.

[Logo]

Well, I guess it could. Staying busy always helped me get through it. Be sure and put yourself out there.

 

 

 

I miss her voice, I miss laughing with her.

 

 

Hobbies? I spent years alone. I’m not trying to be defeatist, but I’ve got more hobbies than 10 average people combined. I’ve tried everything out there that I liked. The thing is, I’m tired of the hobbies and I’ve been dating for 3 years now. Granted there weren’t that many dates, but even after being selective and going on dates, I haven’t found someone I’ve connected with like I did with her.

[Ronni_W]

I miss her voice, I miss laughing with her.

These things are specific and exclusive to her; it doesn't sound like anyone else would be able to fit that exact bill.

 

Would it be a problem for you, if this was, in fact, the case...that you're missing her, specifically, and it's not just a case of you feeling lonely?

[Logo]

These things are specific and exclusive to her; it doesn't sound like anyone else would be able to fit that exact bill.

 

Would it be a problem for you, if this was, in fact, the case...that you're missing her, specifically, and it's not just a case of you feeling lonely?

 

 

 

Not at all. It’s complicated. Sometimes we meet a person and we find some positive traits in them that we haven’t found in other people in a while. But then there are negatives that make the decision difficult, which I won’t get into.

 

 

My fear is going along with it, getting attached, only to find myself affected negatively. I’m already attached in a way as I keep thinking about her. But I don’t know if it’s her or if it’s the companionship that I’ve been missing for a few years now since my ex.

 

 

I’m at a point where I’m giving the positives a lot of weight to rationalize being with her. But my mind is telling me, you don’t know how things will turn out for you. You could end up in another grieving episode. It’s energy (the grieving) that I feel I cannot face or deal with anytime soon. I’ve exhausted my quota for the decade.

[Normm]

If she dumped you which appears to be the case, then it doesn't matter because it's out of your hands as to whether the relationship will continue.

[devilish innocent]

There must have been something powerful in that connection or you wouldn't be missing her. That doesn't necessarily mean it's a good idea to continue seeing her. There was a reason you stopped seeing each other in the first place. Are you compatible for what you both want in the future? Has she shown herself to be trustworthy? Does she share your values? How does she treat you and how does she treat other people? Those are the sort of things that should determine if she's worthy of another chance or not.

[Logo]

If she dumped you which appears to be the case

 

 

 

 

 

 

She didn't. I did.

[Logo]

There must have been something powerful in that connection or you wouldn't be missing her. That doesn't necessarily mean it's a good idea to continue seeing her. There was a reason you stopped seeing each other in the first place. Are you compatible for what you both want in the future? Has she shown herself to be trustworthy? Does she share your values? How does she treat you and how does she treat other people? Those are the sort of things that should determine if she's worthy of another chance or not.

 

 

 

Something to think about.

 

 

 

And yes, it was a powerful connection. I don't know why. I'm trying to understand if my judgment of the connection was or is clouded by other things.

Edited March 11, 2019 by Logo

[Normm]

If there was such a great connection why'd you dump her?

[ecolove]

Nobody's perfect and there's no such thing as a perfect relationship. I say that because I'm assuming (probably incorrectly) that you dumped her because of some issue or incompatibility that turned you off. However, if that's the case, to me the fact that you miss her and so many things about her, tell me that your connection with her is probably greater than whatever issue it was that caused you to dump her. All that said, I think that you miss her, not because you are lonely, but because you genuinely like her. You should reach out to her, hopefully it's not too late. Good luck!

 

Also, try posting this question on the RGUE app (pronounced "argue") to try and get some additional perspectives.

[chillii]

I spend time with my friends, we laugh, we have a good time and I still feel lonely. I haven’t had a connection like I did with her in 5 years. What if I have to wait another 5 to feel such closeness?

 

 

your lonely but genuinely missing her too.

[Mr. Lucky]

Missing her or lonely?

 

Maybe they're effectively the same thing? Were you still together, you wouldn't be experiencing either feeling.

 

Since we're all a bundle of positive/negative attributes, doesn't mean breaking things off with her wasn't the right decision...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Ronni_W]

My fear is going along with it, getting attached, only to find myself affected negatively. <snip> But my mind is telling me, you don’t know how things will turn out for you.

Ah! I *think* that I see what you mean. The thing is, no matter which way you choose, you won't know how things will turn out for you.

So, I'm not sure if taking that off the table can help you make a decision, based on all the other factors that are present?

 

Since you feel the need to "rationalize being with her", that's probably your own inner sense that you need to be very cautious in the situation. But,

being with her could very likely lead you to getting more and more attached to her, which would put you in a more vulnerable position in the long run.

 

I guess it is that you like her and enjoy her company despite the fact that you know that the situation is full of emotional risks to you.

It makes it difficult to extricate yourself, especially on top of also feeling lonely, and wanting/needing affection.

 

Sometimes someone comes along and we feel the connection so strongly that it's like we've been hit by a mega-ton lightning bolt and then a whole bunch of 2x4s on top. .

(It's happened to me a couple of times.) It's not always that it's meant to be a permanent, life-time partnership; quite frequently it's meant to be a 'teaching relationship' for each person,

but with individual 'lessons', usually reflecting the two polarities of a single issue. (E.G., a very giving person can get 'hit over the head' by a very selfish person, or vice versa,

and for each one it's about finding the middle ground; or an 'enabler' and an addict.)

 

The initial 'lightning bolt' of attraction makes it feel like it's definitely a 'soul mate thing'...which it can turn out to be if both people manage to resolve their personal side of

the 'lesson' that brought them together in the first place. But which, unfortunately, seldom happens. Usually only one learns, or neither of them do, so there's always the tension of the conflict...

...which can feel like just more attraction and reinforce the sense of it just having to be a 'soul mate thing'.

 

All that to get to the point of offering that perhaps this one is more about karmic relationships than about Twin Flame relationships? (As might be expected, both of those articles

are of a spiritual nature, so please access, and reject or accept, according to your own personal philosophy and belief system.)

[chillii]

I’m at a point where I’m giving the positives a lot of weight to rationalize being with her. But my mind is telling me, you don’t know how things will turn out for you. You could end up in another grieving episode. It’s energy (the grieving) that I feel I cannot face or deal with anytime soon. I’ve exhausted my quota for the decade.

 

You can't see and feel the big picture accurately because your torn between avoiding getting hurt and the negatives . That's understandable risking again becomes a very very hard thing.

Sometimes you might bail rather than risk, self sabotage , it's all understandable.

Ain't much fun going through this crapola at all.

 

But with her it's all about the negatives . You gotta sort those out that's where your answer is. Were they enough that it just couldn't work anyway ? We don't need to know it's you that's gotta work that out.

Were they the real reason you jumped ship before getting in any deeper, or was it really just fear and those negatives really weren't much of a big deal anyway?

lt's amazing what the mind can do and create in fear.

But you know , if the negatives were real, and it genuinely just wouldn't have worked out , then you did the right thing. Your just missing her and having someone but you genuinely did what you think was best.

Edited March 17, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
quote edited

[Logo]

Thanks for all the responses. I think I’m going to let things be and stick to my initial gut feeling.

[Fair]

This is a common conundrum, I think. In the end you have to remember why it didn't work.

 

You have to be committed to moving on or... you won't.

 

This post goes to show being the dumper doesn't necessarily put you in the power position.

[Logo]

I feel that relationships are supposed to bring us peace of mind and serenity, they're not supposed to become projects from the very start. I have learned from each date and from each person I've been with. I've learned lessons from my mistakes that have helped me become more successful, in all aspects, on future dates and in future relations.

 

No person is perfect. But, it helps when the positive traits a person possesses outweigh the negative ones. It's a tougher decision when the negatives are things that person can change and fix to improve herself to become more content with herself.

 

I can only hope that person is just around the corner.

Edited March 13, 2019 by Logo

[DrReplyInRhymes]

I've neglected this post for personal reasons, though, I really like Ronni's post.

Have you considered the possibility, that just perhaps, it could be both?

Being lonely after such a connection and missing what you liked about them isn't mutually exclusive,

Perhaps the loneliness you feel is a testament to the truth of the connection when it was inclusive.

 

I'll be the first to say, from your posts, that we have what seems to be a lot in common at heart,

Hobbies and whatnot included, the missing of the connection shared, and the confusion of loneliness after the part.

I hope you find some semblance of peace, I hope you are able to wade through your turmoiled mind,

For the connection you shared with her wasn't false, remember that, because those are hard to find.

[Logo]

Ronni's post was very informative, great links.

 

Everyone's post was helpful.

 

Your point about the two feelings not being mutually exclusive is on point.

Edited March 15, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
quote removed

[Sunlight72]

I miss her voice, I miss laughing with her.

 

...I’ve been dating for 3 years now.... I haven’t found someone I’ve connected with like I did with her.

Call her and tell her this, and get together with her if she's at all interested.

...My fear is going along with it, getting attached, only to find myself affected negatively.

You're being weak then. Your fear is currently more important to you than your happiness. Bummer dude.

...And yes, it was a powerful connection. I don't know why. I'm trying to understand if my judgment of the connection was or is clouded by other things.

Seems to be mainly clouded by fear.

 

You have two choices -

- live by what could go right and make your life more fulfilling and let you share love with someone, and plan to work on yourself and the relationship to keep it as healthy as you can - and risk the pain if it falls apart at some point

 

- live by fear of everything you can imagine that might possibly go wrong, and add them all up until it's hopeless - and risk feeling the pain of loneliness you now feel until she eventually finds someone else, and then have the pain of feeling you let a good woman who wanted you drift out of your life for good.

 

Good luck with the choice. I would rather Make the choice toward happiness than toward the floating nowhere, but that's me.

 

I do get hurt, but I have found such a connection is exceedingly rare. When I find it I make the most of it I can.

 

 

Five years, and you're still remembering and pining for her? Dude, why are you even asking us?

[Logo]

I agree with everything you wrote Sunlight. By the way it has only been a few weeks not five years.

Edited March 17, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
removed quote

[Ronni_W]

Logo,

 

Just because you are willing to listen to your own inner promptings to be cautious does not mean that you are 'being weak'; it can mean that you are just being smart.

 

Nobody here, myself included, has any idea of all of the factors, dynamics, history, patterns and tendencies, involved...

...you need to take all of that into account, to make your own decisions and choices.

 

Best of luck.