Do I inform his girlfriend?

[HappyGrl]

Hi everyone, been lurking here trying to find an answer. It's a long story.

 

I started dating this guy at the end of 2015. He told me he was looking for a longterm relationship. He seemed like a normal good guy. I thought I had finally met a guy who was genuinely kind. Two months into dating he was going to have surgery on his leg. He told me his parents would come over and stay with him for a month. He said it would be difficult to see each other as often but he still wanted to continue dating me. I told him it’s no problem, take your time, I won’t go anywhere. I asked him if he needed help on the day of his surgery but he said a friend would come over to help and cook for him.

 

I met his parents. And the weeks went by. We were in touch but didn’t see each other often. At some point I wondered if there was someone else. But I brushed those thoughts off. Then, one morning after his parents had left and he was back on his feet, I asked to come over that evening. It took him all day to reply (very unusual) and he literally texted: “I met someone else recently and decided to continue with her, so I don’t think it’s a good idea for you to come over.” I felt this was such a cold and heartless way to tell me. Turned out he did not meet someone recently. He had known her for a few months already and she was the friend who helped him out during his surgery and afterwards. I felt screwed over, strung along and betrayed. She had been there all along and I had no clue. He said he had been very confused and didn't know who to choose.

 

Three weeks after I got dumped, he texted me. On a sunday morning, 9am. Asking me how I was doing and how the weekend was. I doubted to text him back. But I did and asked him why he was texting me. He said he wanted to see me again and was thinking of our nice physical moments together. I didn’t know whether I should feel flattered or insulted. Maybe it didn't work out with his new girlfriend after all?

 

For the next few weeks he regularly (always coming from him) texted me. Asking how I’m doing, if we could meet up, telling me about his day, etc. He never mentioned his new relationship. Then one day he asked to meet up for coffee. I agreed. But a few hours before we were supposed to meet he cancelled. He said he had a girlfriend so he didn’t think it was a good idea. I asked him why he had invited me then. He replied that his idea was to take me back to his place and into his bed. Then he said, “maybe we can meet up for beers soon instead.”

 

I couldn’t decide if he was a nice guy and just very confused because he still liked me. Or if he was trying to use me for sex.

 

For the next two years we stayed in touch and regularly met up for drinks. Sometimes he might send a text that was a covert booty call (sort of), but I always turned that down. There was never any explicit sexting or inappropriate behaviour. Maybe some innocent flirting. During that time I also got a boyfriend so it started to feel the guy and I were just becoming friends.

 

During those years he said a lot of nice things. He offered to help me move when I had a broken foot, he offered to take me out for dinner, asked me to show him my hometown. I took the offers, but we never ended up doing any of it. He cancelled helping me move for example because all of a sudden he had “dinner” plans. We never did anything else besides meeting up for drinks. Even though he always suggested to do more activities together.

 

Things changed early last year. He told me his relationship was going to end. He said he was bored with her and didn’t see a future with his girlfriend. The only problem was, as she was now living with him, he didn’t think he could still afford the full rent himself combined with a relaxing lifestyle of vacationing (he had a big South America trip planned at the end of the year). I jokingly said “then don’t break up with her”. But he said that wouldn’t be fair. He even suggested a few times that I could come live with him to split the rent.

 

We ended up having sex a few times. My relationship had ended, and his relationship seemed to be ending too. I didn’t feel as it was the worst thing I was doing. He had no regrets either. In October he told me they were taking a break and were living apart for now. We met up and he was discussing future plans without her. He no longer wanted to go to South America. He had other traveling plans. He also wanted to do fun things with me. I was going through some health problems that time and he was very kind and wanted to help me to take my mind off of it. I thought that was very sweet. He asked me back to his place that evening but I refused and he also agreed it wasn’t the right things to do.

 

After that evening I didn’t hear from him anymore (very unusual). About a month later I texted him. He said he was now in South America with his girlfriend! They had decided to stay together and do the South America trip after all. I told him we shouldn’t be in touch anymore then. I didn’t mind being friends, but I no longer wanted to be a secret. He said we could never be normal friends (which actually hurt me) and agreed to not stay in touch anymore. After this message I never contacted him or heard from him again. This was last December.

 

Since then, I’ve had time to re-think the last 3 years and everything that happened. I’m coming to the conclusion now that he never wanted to be friends - he wanted me on the side for sex. I feel that his kindness towards me was just a tactic to manipulate me into it. He must have felt I still had a weak for him. I also think he is using his girlfriend as a convenience (sex and money related) (I'm convinced he is not a narcissist however).

 

I’ve been thinking if I should inform her. I know their relationship is none of my business but if I were in her shoes I would also like to know. She's in her late 30s like me. I don’t care if they stay together, nor do I want a relationship with him. But I feel (as hypocrite as it sounds) she deserves to make decisions based on the truth. He basically cheated on/mislead her during their entire 3 year relationship. I get the impression she has no clue and is in love with him. I tried to let this feeling (of informing her) go, but it keeps coming back as some sort of guilt.

 

Do you think I was manipulated and used? And should I inform her (she has no idea about me and we never met)?

[basil67]

No, you weren't manipulated and used. Truth is, you chose to stay on as his affair partner.

 

Should you tell his partner? It's up to you. But if I was her, I'd tear strips off the other women who approached me with that news. Just make sure you're up for any fallout which could come your way.

[preraph]

You knew he was a cheater but you still hung around hoping he would leave her to be with you. Why? He's a cheater. Even if that happened, he's just going to go out and get sex partners on the side, because that's what he's about. He wants more than one woman. He's not looking for the right woman. He's looking for women who will put up with him having sex with other women.

 

You just have to stop over thinking this and see it for what it is, what he is. He's all about variety sex, period.

[salparadise]

After that evening I didn’t hear from him anymore (very unusual). About a month later I texted him. He said he was now in South America with his girlfriend! They had decided to stay together and do the South America trip after all. I told him we shouldn’t be in touch anymore then. I didn’t mind being friends, but I no longer wanted to be a secret. He said we could never be normal friends (which actually hurt me) and agreed to not stay in touch anymore. After this message I never contacted him or heard from him again. This was last December.

 

 

I agree with basil. You volunteered to stay around as the side chick. You got the same thing out of the deal that he did. Now that he's in a presumably more stable situation and not showering you with attention, you're wondering if disrupting it is the "right thing to do?" You're feeling vindictive and seeking justification to be the spoiler because he didn't choose you. Why were you'd hurt-offended that he didn't want to be "friends?" Because you were trying to keep a foot in the door.

 

Just put on your big girl panties and let it go. Like you said, it's no longer any of your business.

[DKT3]

So, does you ex know you cheated on him the entire relationship? I'm guessing not, so if you haven't cleaned your house why are you looking to clean hers?

[Normm]

Yes you were clearly manipulated and used. My favorite part was when you finally accepted one of his offers (to help you move) and he canceled. In my head I nodded and thought "Saw that one coming!".

 

As far as telling the other girl? He'll say you are some ex nutjob and not to believe a word you say and she won't. Girls like you and her are easily manipulated by guys like that and are too clueless to see what's right in front of their noses even when a well meaning person tries to point out what is clear as day. It's a waste of your time that could be better spent meeting guys that won't take advantage of the easy opportunity and continue to manipulate you.

[whichwayisup]

Just move on. You continued with him for 3 years, knowing who he was all along. You chose to trust a guy who hurt and betrayed you over and over again.

 

Cut him out of your life once and for all.

[Amethyst68]

Where's the manipulation? He flat out told you he wanted to get you into bed...

[BTDT2012]

No, you weren't manipulated and used. The time for telling was 3 years ago.

[Normm]

Where's the manipulation? He flat out told you he wanted to get you into bed...

 

 

Then there's this.

[assertives]

He flat out told you he wanted to get you into bed so I don't think he manipulated you but he definitely used you. Looks like he saw you as a friends with benefits person and perhaps it's why he said you guys can never be normal friends. From what you've described, it seems like you were also a willing party. I'd say to let it go, don't bother telling his gf.

[whichwayisup]

IF you end up telling her, own your part in this, and apologize for your part in the betrayal. don't put all the blame on him. You continued to be with him even though you knew he had a girlfriend.

 

Be sure this is what you want to do, you mess in his life he may mess in your life and make it even more painful down the road. Plus, the drama will just the door open, if you think you can tell her and walk away you're mistaken. She's going to want to talk to you too.

[Pinknyc]

But I did and asked him why he was texting me. He said he wanted to see me again and was thinking of our nice physical moments together. I didn’t know whether I should feel flattered or insulted.

 

Have to agree with the others. Seems even early on, he was focused on the physical aspect, but you were hoping it would turn into a relationship. He did not pick you for 3 years, and I think you are upset and your main motivation is to tell the gf to get back at him.

[BaileyB]

No, you weren't manipulated and used. The time for telling was 3 years ago.

 

Here’s your answer OP. Time to move on...

[HappyGrl]

Thanks for the replies everyone, I needed to read that.

 

To make it clear, I didn't sleep with the guy for those 2 years. I never cheated on my boyfriend.

 

After he dumped me and got back in touch I did tell him that sex wasn't going to happen. He insisted on friendship. Over the years I would meet his friends, he didn't mind taking me to the bar where everyone knows him, etc. I would bump into him sometimes and it was never awkward. So it actually felt like a normal friendship. It's not that unusual to be friends with a guy you once dated. But I was excluded from events that involved his girlfriend which made it unbalanced for me. I never hid him, so why should he hide me.

 

I never wanted a romantic relationship with him for several reasons, also because he indeed cheats. But I did value the friendship. He obviously didn't. And that hurt - because I was fooled and didn't see it.

 

You're all right. It was just his way to have the cake and eat it too and I fell for it. Lesson learned. I'm just dreading the moment already of bumping into him again because I wouldn't know how to respond to that then.

[lolita888]

He wa playing with you and you let him. You weren't manipulated. You let yourself be used.

 

 

You should've blocked him after finding out about his other girlfriend. But then you let him still contact you (probably hoping that things were getting sour with his gf) and when he asked you to meet - you still agreed - this after of what he did and his cold way of breaking up with you. Then he cancelled it - this show he was obviously playing and just checking if you still wanted him - but instead of getting angry and block him - you still went on and kept up with him.

 

 

You brought this to yourself. You agreed to it. You let youself be played and taken for a fool and used.

[basil67]

If you run into him, give him a wave and a 'hi' and keep walking. Or working...whatever you were doing before you saw him.

[BTDT2012]

He insisted on friendship.

 

 

This is totally on you. Nobody forced to be friends.

[DKT3]

Yeah you were cheating on your boyfriend, you were basically dating two guy. Please don't try and use the we were friends line because you admit he was trying to get you into bed the entire time.

 

Ultimately my point isnt about what your definition of cheating is but the fact that you didn't share with your boyfriend why would you share with his girlfriend? If you really cared about what's fair to her why are you only now looking to tell?

 

People get themselves in situations like this because they aren't honest with themselves, in two posts there is alot of that here.

 

You got dumped, hurt and tell his girlfriend is to get him back, even if you're unwilling to see it.

[lovely81]

I was sort of an unwitting OW, who ended up telling the other woman the man was messing with. She thanked me then for coming forward and popped up to thank me again, two years later. I had a strong gut feeling I should do so even though I wanted to distance myself as much from the situation as possible. That gut feeling was so strong that I overrode the advice of several other people and just did it. After that, I never contacted him or her again. (Though she contacted me.)

 

No regrets.

[sandylee1]

I agree with everyone. You let this happen and nobody can force you to be their friend. After that text message he sent saying he'd met someone, you never should have responded to him.

 

Leave him and his GF to get on with their lives.

[MissJenniferX]

Yes. You should.

 

It will sever your affair. Watch him go back to her, leave you, hate you and you'll be rid of him.

 

People say no, she's a victim but I'd want to know. My ex told my husband. I told his wife. It's the only way you'll know if he also is willing to go for you or her.

[Notagainplease]

To make it clear, I didn't sleep with the guy for those 2 years. I never cheated on my boyfriend.

 

After he dumped me and got back in touch I did tell him that sex wasn't going to happen. He insisted on friendship. Over the years I would meet his friends, he didn't mind taking me to the bar where everyone knows him, etc. I would bump into him sometimes and it was never awkward. So it actually felt like a normal friendship. It's not that unusual to be friends with a guy you once dated. But I was excluded from events that involved his girlfriend which made it unbalanced for me. I never hid him, so why should he hide me.

 

I never wanted a romantic relationship with him for several reasons, also because he indeed cheats. But I did value the friendship. He obviously didn't. And that hurt - because I was fooled and didn't see it.

 

You're all right. It was just his way to have the cake and eat it too and I fell for it. Lesson learned. I'm just dreading the moment already of bumping into him again because I wouldn't know how to respond to that then.

 

 

All the more puzzling to me now why you would want to mess up his girlfriends life by contacting her? He used you as a back up, simple as that. Sometimes people are too insecure to go full out for one person, and always need some wingmen/-women to mess around with to some degree, feeling they have options and thus feeling more powerful. You possibly did the same thing with him actually. So you two use each other, and now the girlfriend needs notification from you? Stay out of her life. Its none of your business and she has a right to figure out things on her own, if she will even figure this all out. Good chance that if he did this with you, he does it with more women.

 

Also, don't underestimate the level of hatred you can attract by being the 'whistle blower'. I once had a woman at the door myself, coming to claim my partner (of 13 years) and informing me of some secret romp they had. I can assure you that (unfair as it may seem), 3/4 of my psycho hatred was aimed at her and 1/4 at him. he threw her under the bus right away and we ended up with her stalking us, something she felt was simply her way of ramming justice into me and him.

 

You won't win this battle by snitching on him. You in fact will look like the psycho. Don't be a sore loser now that play time with this man is over, keep your head up high and move on.