Baby 2 months old,husband asks Y I havent lost the weight

[MissPixxy]

Hi everyone...

 

First time posting. Love the forums, very supportive. Thought I would reach out to you all as my last hope here.. I am in tears and really need advice.

 

Been married for a year. Dating for about 5 years on and off. DS was born 2 months ago, a surprise. I love him very much.

 

I picked up 23 kilograms with the pregnancy. I've lost 13. 10kg to go.

 

I wasnt very thin before but I looked ok, or so I thought. Before we were married I would often see on his phone he would Google pics of skinny women, lots of them...he enjoyed chatting to them too..but that was very long ago, before we were serious.

 

But something told me to check his phone. A week after baby was born. Bam. Every single days. Pages and pages of facebook pics of skinny girls from the gym. Even some of the ones from his past. Broke my heart but I said nothing, for the sake of baby.

 

What caused all this..I looked at his phone and saw a chat from a girl at the gym..he was commenting on how nice her arms are and flirting with her..this obviously devastated me.

 

I didn't say anything but he knew I looked at the phone. He demanded I admit I snooped and broke his trust. I didnt say anything, that's when he said the weight comment..

 

He said "I have a question. You lost all the fat and weight in the past for your ex. Why dont you love me enough to do it for me?"

 

I was in shock and could not believe what I heard. In the past I had lost a lot of weight before I dated him, but that was early twenties and I ate nothing and was miserable all the time...that's not a fair comparison.

 

I was in tears and told him that's not fair. And he said it again. Why don't I love him enough to lose the weight I gained.

 

Its been a terrible night. I've been crying and he doesnt care. Said if we didnt have a child he would be sleeping at a hotel.

 

Baby can pick up on vibe and is niggly and wont eat. I'm still in tears and asked him to stop being so angry with me..he just says why dont I admit I looked at his phone and he will treat me normally again.

 

It's not fair. He is in the wrong but I get the blame..

 

But ..the point is..I am broken. I truly believed I married someone who loved me for me, not how I look. I believed he was happy with me. My ex gave me terrible emotional abuse about my weight. Thats why I took extreme measures to lose it. When I met hubby, thought he was so amazing as he loved me for myself, never a comment about weight.

 

I guess he married me believing I would get thin.. I cant stop crying. I'm so insecure to the point of feeling I dont deserve to be in this house..that because of my weight I'm not worthy to be around him.. it's broken me that much..

 

I feel like I'm worthless and I cant go on anymore. My eyes are so sore from crying. He doesnt care. I look in the mirror and just feel disgust and feel huge.

 

It was ok before..I truly believed he really loved me and didnt have a weight problem..

 

My pre-pregnancy weight was 80kg. On 90kg now. Was 103kg when DS was born.

 

Please everyone..I feel completely alone and really need your advice...what do I do?sad..and 4am is the worst..

 

Much love xx

[Garcon1986]

Welcome to LS! I'm very sorry to hear that you are dealing with this, there aren't a lot of male equivalents of the same thing - probably this falls along the lines of me being bodyslammed by a bouncer or being held up at knifepoint for my money. I don't claim to understand what you are feeling but I definitely sympathize with your plight.

 

Right now though, you've got a lot of supportive friends on Loveshack. The most important thing to realize is - we all agree that this was a very harsh thing for him to say.

 

The most important thing for you though, is to stand up for your baby, because your baby needs you so much right now, there's nobody else standing up for the baby at the moment. Be strong for the baby. Crying is totally normal in response to something as horrible as this - but take a deep breath.

 

As for your man, he's said one of the most cruel things a man can say, so you will have to be firm. It's quite possible that he doesn't love you for the way you are, but only wants the pretty version, but a true test of a woman (and a man for that matter), is whether or not she can stand through the toughest curveballs life throws. Tell him - something along the lines of this.

 

"We've had a baby together and have a duty to bring the baby up to the best life we can possibly provide. It's a sacred duty to protect a young human until he can grow up and fend for himself. You have told me one of the most cruel things a man can say. I'm letting you know that you've hurt me in the worst possible way. I know that you like pretty women, but you've devoted yourself enough to me that you had a child with me. If you want a part of this child's life, be a part of his life and be present for us. A real gentleman doesn't only chase the next pretty woman who walks down the street. I'm on board with the idea that losing weight is healthy, but the way you did it was completely uncalled for. Show me what you are made of."

 

And mean every word of it. Don't back down. Once he knows how serious you are, then he'll have to make the choice and demonstrate if he's a real man.

[Crazelnut]

Sorry to be so blunt, but your husband is a class A immature azzhole. Do not waste one more minute letting him hurt you. Dump him. Please don't let your child grow up listening to Daddy treat Mommy like this.

[MissPixxy]

@Garcon..wow that is amazing...that is a very wise response and way 2 handle it. I am going to say exactly that and will update...

 

What though to say about admitting to the snooping ?

 

He will likely use this "breach of trust" as a bigger issue than what he has done..

[Garcon1986]

I think you've got more serious issues if he's going to keep on claiming breach of trust. You'll have to tackle this issue from the standpoint of showing how secure you are. My own parents made it through thirty five years of marriage and my Mom has actually told my Dad, during the dating phase, if he can find someone better, that he should go and do it. Luckily, he stayed on the bandwagon and we've got a relatively normal Garcon1986 as the benefits of their partnership

 

The key there was - she was confident enough to dare him to find a better woman. Are you that confident? Are you that sure of yourself? Being sure of your skills is a great asset whether you are hitched or not, baby or not. My parents always have mild mannered discussions when they don't agree on something, and logic always prevails. Both are mild mannered personalities so nothing ever gets heated.

 

You can do something along the lines of (but remember, this is second priority to stabilizing your kid) -

"I know you've looked at many other women, and you are upset that I've searched your phone. Sure. I recognize that you should have some privacy. I don't need to know the names and addresses of every single woman you meet. If you can find a better one, I dare you to. I can fend for myself just fine. If on the other hand, you want to be a father to your son, let me know. I know we can make something great together."

[BaileyB]

You’ve brought a new little person into the world, that is no small feat. And now, your days are sleep deprived, devoted to feeding your son, and caring for this man’s child...

 

You realize how unrealistic and ridiculous it is that he would expect you to be back to your pre-pregnancy weight, right? Not a single one of my friends had lost their baby weight after a few months and many will say that their body was forever changed.

 

I’m so sorry that you are feeling badly at a time when your home should be filled with joy. Unfortunately, you have two babies under your roof... here is hoping that the big baby can gain some much needed perspective and comes to his senses...

[preraph]

Do not stay with that shallow jerk long enough for your baby to be old enough to think how he treats you and belittles you is normal, because you and he are how your children learn how to act and what to accept. The number one thing to him is sex with skinny. That pretty much just makes him a jerk especially now that he has a child.

 

He's an abusive gaslighting jerk. You don't need that in your life.

[whichwayisup]

Sorry to be so blunt, but your husband is a class A immature azzhole. Do not waste one more minute letting him hurt you. Dump him. Please don't let your child grow up listening to Daddy treat Mommy like this.

 

This! I'd pack a bag for you and the baby then go stay with your parents or a good friend if possible.

 

Your H is so inconsiderate and shallow! It's only been a few months and he expect all the weight to disappear? Wtf.

 

Your body has changed after having kids so for some it's not easy to quickly lose or go back to weight when you were younger.

 

As long as YOU feel healthy and okay with your own weight that is what counts, forget his opinion on this and please don't shed another tear over his words.

[losangelena]

Next time you take the garbage out, take your husband, too. He’s a piece of trash.

[Mr. Lucky]

You realize how unrealistic and ridiculous it is that he would expect you to be back to your pre-pregnancy weight, right? Not a single one of my friends had lost their baby weight after a few months and many will say that their body was forever changed.

 

Part of this is the unrealistic stuff posted online and through social media, with various influencers bragging they returned to pre-baby weight in a few months.

 

MissPixxy, central to this issue is that, by looking the other way as your husband has acted out in the past, you've enabled him to treat you even worse now. The time to discuss "pages and pages of facebook pics of skinny girls" and "a chat from a girl at the gym" is when you discover it. Otherwise, smaller problems become big ones, as you're finding out.

 

Marriage counseling would be your best path forward...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Wallysbears]

Oh honey, I want to give you the biggest hug right now. Please know we here at LS are here for you. What your husband is doing to you right now is just awful. Have a tiny newborn is HARD and your body literally just GREW A HUMAN. Think about that. You just grew a human. You're a rockstar and your body just did something amazing.

 

i'm so sorry your husband isn't appreciating that and you. many hugs.

[vla1120]

I just love it when men body-shame a woman after just giving birth! GRRR! Don't you get back in shape for him. Get back in shape for YOU and do it in a gradual, healthy way. You do not need his approval. He's being defensive about the phone because he was CAUGHT. If he were not doing anything wrong, he'd have no reason to be concerned about his wife seeing his phone.

 

Now is the time to take care of yourself. Nurture yourself and your baby (since he's certainly not going to do that.) Tell him if he mentions your weight one more time, or if you find that he's flirting and texting other women, you'll gladly give him his walking papers.

[CantGetEnuff]

Can I just slow everyone's roll for a moment?

 

The people saying "Dump your husband!" over THIS, and when they JUST had a baby together, are really really really overreacting an an emotional way.

 

Seriously? You want her to get a divorce with a new baby because her husband is disappointed she didn't slim down fast enough?

 

Now all of this being said, he is being impatient. We all recognize that.

 

But I feel a double standard here. When men gain weight, most women are fine with pointing it out. And I've ready posts here saying, "Tell your husband that you just aren't attracted to him because he is so heavy, and help encourage him to lose weight."

 

Can you imagine the reaction if a dude told his wife the truth, aka, "I am losing attraction for you because you have gained significant weight during our marriage?"

 

I am just keeping it real.

 

OP, can you tell him how hurtful it is when he pressures you so soon after having a baby and when he brings up your ex? He's not wrong in wanting his old wife back, but he needs to encourage your exercise and nutrition plans in a healthy way, NOT the way he is doing it.

[vla1120]

But I feel a double standard here. When men gain weight, most women are fine with pointing it out. And I've ready posts here saying, "Tell your husband that you just aren't attracted to him because he is so heavy, and help encourage him to lose weight."

 

I usually find the exact opposite, especially on dating websites. Men want their women to be in good shape while they have a beer belly and/or are overweight.

 

Also, it's not just about him wanting her to lose the weight. He's quite disrespectful toward her. She just gave birth to his child. I'd like to see him carry a watermelon around for 9 months, then pass it through his nether regions, all while his hormones are surging out of whack.

[Wallysbears]

 

But I feel a double standard here. When men gain weight, most women are fine with pointing it out. And I've ready posts here saying, "Tell your husband that you just aren't attracted to him because he is so heavy, and help encourage him to lose weight."

 

Can you imagine the reaction if a dude told his wife the truth, aka, "I am losing attraction for you because you have gained significant weight during our marriage?"

 

I am just keeping it real.

 

OP, can you tell him how hurtful it is when he pressures you so soon after having a baby and when he brings up your ex? He's not wrong in wanting his old wife back, but he needs to encourage your exercise and nutrition plans in a healthy way, NOT the way he is doing it.

 

 

She just had a baby. And literally days after, this guy is flirting with other women and checking out girls online that are skinny and/or fit.

 

This has nothing to do with OP's weight and everything to do with her husband being a self centered d*ck. She just carried around and made a HUMAN that is now effectively in the stage of being a little tiny bundle of constant need for food, affection, attention, changing, etc.

 

If there is any worse time he could have picked...i fail to see it.

[preraph]

Can I just slow everyone's roll for a moment?

 

The people saying "Dump your husband!" over THIS, and when they JUST had a baby together, are really really really overreacting an an emotional way.

 

Seriously? You want her to get a divorce with a new baby because her husband is disappointed she didn't slim down fast enough?

 

Now all of this being said, he is being impatient. We all recognize that.

 

.

 

He's not just impatient. He's out there trolling for new women! And my guess is he's not doing it for no reason. He's doing it to cheat right when he should be focused on supporting his wife and baby and worried about that instead of his penis. He's a worthless uncaring selfish pig.

[Tamfana]

OP, I'm so sorry that your child's father is more concerned about your weight than his child's and his wife's health and well-being. I like what Garcon recommended saying.

[CantGetEnuff]

@Wallys, I agree he is being a jerk. I just don't know that this is divorce-worthy, especially in light of having a brand new baby. I mean, if nothing else, I think this situation deserves some marriage counseling to try to get things turned around.

[preraph]

No one needs to live with someone that shallow who is degrading them and criticizing. Get out and get your child support mandated by the court and after the child is old enough, make him take joint custody so you can work AND have social life, and not just him living it up.

[basil67]

He's not wrong in wanting his old wife back, but he needs to encourage your exercise and nutrition plans in a healthy way, NOT the way he is doing it.

 

He is wrong. First, she has not engaged him as her personal trainer. Second, as a new mom, she doesn't remotely have the bandwidth to think about this. He's just being extraordinarily selfish.

 

At this stage, his job is supporting her to support this little bundle of unceasing neediness that they've brought into the world.

[Turning point]

Don't you dare apologize for looking at his phone! That is so manipulative to turn this back on you. Your husband is an abusively self centered jerk.

 

Get some individual counseling to help you assert your own boundaries and self pride. This will help you to put a stop to your husband objectifying you and to stand up for yourself.

 

This is a problem with him - not your weight. Believe in you and let him own his own sh*t. You are not the cause of his other inappropriate behavior either. As someone else has said on this board "privacy" is having a curtain on your shower, hiding/locking your phone is called "secrecy." He doesn't get to do that with his wife.

 

Next, you have to set some firm boundaries regarding what you won't tolerate from your husband including his abusive attacks about your body an his conduct with other women. You can probably best do this with the support of a couples counselor.

 

If your husband cannot change his behavior then I think you should look to put him behind you. You don't deserve to be treated like this and you're posting here because you already know it's not right. Long term exposure to such an abusive person will damage you and your child. See what can be done - but, know that you are on the right side of this issue.

[amaysngrace]

It took 10 months to put it on and you can realistically expect it to take 10 months to get back to your pre-pregnancy weight. Give yourself the time you’ll need since it doesn’t seem like you’ll get that kindness from him.

 

What he’s done and said is wrong in so many ways I can’t even begin to describe it other than it’s some abusive mind games he’s got going on.

 

Getting thin to prove love??? Honey you just gave that man the biggest act of love, you gave him a son. If he doesn’t understand that then he sounds pretty pathetic as a human can be.

 

Don’t let him shift his guilt and shortcomings onto you. Please don’t allow that to happen. You have to be extra kind to yourself since it doesn’t seem as though he’s going to be.

[TheRainbow]

I'd tell your husband to take a hike. I had a baby in December, and I haven't even begun to lose pregnancy weight. It bothers me, but if my husband were to tell me to lose weight, I'd unleash hell on him. But he's not an *******.

[imfine]

I just want to say that I am so sorry. The things he said to you were cruel and uncalled for. Also, do not be sorry for looking at his phone. I think you would be wise to look at it more often. He seems extremely upset about that. Why?

[waterwoman]

I think you should lose some very significant weight. About 12 stone of useless, selfish, shallow man!!! Grrrrrr :mad: