A Scared One, a New One and One Trying to Transition

[MuffinButton]

The title is a little more foreboding than I thought it would be but it's honestly the shortest name that sums up my issues aside from my multi-headed dick hydra that is my issues. I'll do my best to keep each 'entry' short but I make no promises.

 

A little background information, I am and 18 y/o guy in his second semester in college who has started being polyamorous for the better part of a year now. I suffer from depression and a few other weird odds and ends that I'm not quite sure how to describe but that's beside the point. The reason I consider this a hydra and not a snake biting its own tail is that, like my father, I have what my mother affectionately calls the Knight in Shining Armor Complex. The need to help with something for something or someone I care about even if the outcome does not benefit us whatsoever. We may come to regret it or realize what we have done was counterintuitive yet we would do it all over again. Now, this is not some, oh they are the best people the grace the Earth, quite the opposite. We can be ãssholes and often choose to be but when we want to help we will lay our life on the line for honestly no good reason.

 

The Scared One - PSL

 

My first partner/already existing partner is 17 y/o bisexual girl who is in her junior year of high school who because of a fake suicide threat (that was honestly required due to her having shïtty parents who I will refrain from ranting about but will mention they are either racist or all parents of girls I've dated just fücking hate me) was diagnosed with anxiety but the experience itself scarred her and is now what she associates with counselors and mental health help. Because her parents hate me and she doesn't have a license yet, I can't see her at all despite the fact she lives less than 5 min away from my college. So anytime either of us needs support from each the best we can do is texting, maybe a phone call if we're lucky. And of course, it's the worst moment possible like when she has a panic attack. If I can get her to a professional this will allow me a lot more to work with in terms of 'resources.'

 

The New One - SCB

 

So this girl is 18 y/o who goes to the same school as my current girlfriend but is a senior. She's straight and luckily does not suffer from any major mental illness. She is a bit reserved but she's been a friend and teammate to me and my girlfriend which may be the reason why we both have feelings for her. And now the issue. She has never been in a romantic relationship much less a polyamorous one. My girlfriend is much closer to her than I am but seeing how I can't fully depend on her without something going wrong anywhere, not necessarily her I now have to focus on her. And congratulations we are back to the first section and all of its subproblems.

 

The One Trying to Transition - MMS

 

Last and certainly not least is my longtime friend, whose parents also despise me and my pseudo-doppelganger Matt Baker. I used to call them she but within the last 2-3 months has come out as a trans-male. He is by definition, an ex-girlfriend, and an ex-boyfriend as I dated them as both but due to complications did not last as long as I had intended. He has been diagnosed with bipolar disorder and has been diagnosed with similar mental illness throughout the years with improper treatment that has led to the depressed and constantly anxious 19 y/o I know and love today. He had to drop out of college in his first semester due to dysphoria and severe depression and due to having religious parents cannot start taking testosterone which is greatly hindering any progress he can make mentally or physically. He was my first partner that would be in a poly relationship with me and has become poly himself. Once he turns 23 he will be kicked out of the house since his parents are going to sell it off and move to Florida. Without a car, and relatively soon, without a home, I began thinking about getting a job to help them start to afford T pills and hopefully able to stay afloat financially and mentally. (I apologize for this lengthy section. He means so much to me for so many reasons, most recently the one that I realized I could not be monogamous.)

 

 

In general, I apologize for this fustercluck of a post with too many issues to take on at once so any response I truly don't expect to answer any more than one of these people. For the sake of convenience and structure please use the initials in the title of each section. Any and all help would be greatly appreciated.

[vla1120]

Unfortunately, I can be of little to no help. I have trouble navigating a relationship with one person, let alone three people at once! Given that you are dealing with your own depression, however, I think if I were you, I would concentrate on my college education and try to keep life's difficulties to a minimum because college (as you well know) is difficult without having to deal with external difficulties.

 

Think of it like when you are on the plane and the flight attendant tells you to apply your oxygen mask before you help the person next to you.

[MuffinButton]

Unfortunately, I can be of little to no help. I have trouble navigating a relationship with one person, let alone three people at once! Given that you are dealing with your own depression, however, I think if I were you, I would concentrate on my college education and try to keep life's difficulties to a minimum because college (as you well know) is difficult without having to deal with external difficulties.

 

Think of it like when you are on the plane and the flight attendant tells you to apply your oxygen mask before you help the person next to you.

I personally am ok for the time being, most of my stress is honestly coming from trying to help them.

[preraph]

You have to be careful about being attracted to people who need help. They can bring you down with them. You remind me of a bi friend of mine I've known for decades. He was mostly hanging out with this friend of his, but he had a huge crush on him and just kept hoping, but the guy is straight. That's common enough, but the worst of it is this guy was a train wreck, terrible parents, big mental problems from a horrible childhood. What support he had came from his grandmother.

 

So things keep spiraling downyhill for my friend's messed up friend. I mean, he's on drugs and it's not for recreational. He's dependent. He's miserable except when he's partying, basically. He had no job for those reasons. Then he wrecked his old car his grandmother let him use, and then his grandmother died, and she was the only thing keeping him from being a mentally ill streetperson addict, his only lifeline.

 

So my friend calls me after some months, and he's like approaching suicidal. I have never seen him really down before. So I drag the story out of him. He's gotten so wrapped up in trying to save this guy, which no one can, that he's become just as down and out as the guy is. He told me he even bought him an old car. And meanwhile, he's still in love with him, which is never going to go anywhere.

 

When he tells me about the car, I tell him, So now you're his grandma. And it like stunned him because he realized that that was exactly the role he was now trying to fill, when what he wanted was this guy to fall for him. And he knew it was true because the guy had even, jokingly, he thought, called him his grandma.

 

Anyway, point being, he nearly went down the drain with this guy, who was beyond any untrained person's help and needed big help. He did snap out of it after that and tried to distance himself and felt better, though I'm sure he never stopped worrying about the guy.

 

People have to help themselves. Do not spend your whole life trying to save people because they have to save themselves in all the ways that matter: mental health, they need professional help. Money, they need to do what it takes (see a therapist, get in rehab) to be able to hold down a job. If they want to transition, they need to gain independence from their parents and become an adult first and be old enough to make an adult decision about it. I sympathize like crazy for transgenders, but I have to tell you as an older woman who has seen a lot in all my years and had a lot of gender bending friends, the part of your brain that can foresee consequences is called the amygdala, and it is not fully functioning until your mid-twenties. And there are also continuing hormonal changes evolving into your mid-twenties. Most people I know didn't really become sure what they were about sexually until after 23 or so and went through a long period of confusion.

 

That period is no time to make permanent changes.

 

His parents may be too rigid, that's for sure, but they also may just want his brain to mature before he starts making radical changes. Anyway, that is his journey, and you shouldn't be hastening it for him.

 

The best way to help people is by being a good listener, but they have to make the changes themselves. You'll drive yourself mad failing at it for that very reason.

 

And just because you like three different people doesn't necessarily mean you are destined to remain polyamorous. You're just young. That's just being young. No one wants to settle down with one person at your age unless they're trying to escape something.

 

 

Good luck.

[MuffinButton]

You have to be careful about being attracted to people who need help. They can bring you down with them. You remind me of a bi friend of mine I've known for decades. He was mostly hanging out with this friend of his, but he had a huge crush on him and just kept hoping, but the guy is straight. That's common enough, but the worst of it is this guy was a train wreck, terrible parents, big mental problems from a horrible childhood. What support he had came from his grandmother.

 

So things keep spiraling downyhill for my friend's messed up friend. I mean, he's on drugs and it's not for recreational. He's dependent. He's miserable except when he's partying, basically. He had no job for those reasons. Then he wrecked his old car his grandmother let him use, and then his grandmother died, and she was the only thing keeping him from being a mentally ill streetperson addict, his only lifeline.

 

So my friend calls me after some months, and he's like approaching suicidal. I have never seen him really down before. So I drag the story out of him. He's gotten so wrapped up in trying to save this guy, which no one can, that he's become just as down and out as the guy is. He told me he even bought him an old car. And meanwhile, he's still in love with him, which is never going to go anywhere.

 

When he tells me about the car, I tell him, So now you're his grandma. And it like stunned him because he realized that that was exactly the role he was now trying to fill, when what he wanted was this guy to fall for him. And he knew it was true because the guy had even, jokingly, he thought, called him his grandma.

 

Anyway, point being, he nearly went down the drain with this guy, who was beyond any untrained person's help and needed big help. He did snap out of it after that and tried to distance himself and felt better, though I'm sure he never stopped worrying about the guy.

 

People have to help themselves. Do not spend your whole life trying to save people because they have to save themselves in all the ways that matter: mental health, they need professional help. Money, they need to do what it takes (see a therapist, get in rehab) to be able to hold down a job. If they want to transition, they need to gain independence from their parents and become an adult first and be old enough to make an adult decision about it. I sympathize like crazy for transgenders, but I have to tell you as an older woman who has seen a lot in all my years and had a lot of gender bending friends, the part of your brain that can foresee consequences is called the amygdala, and it is not fully functioning until your mid-twenties. And there are also continuing hormonal changes evolving into your mid-twenties. Most people I know didn't really become sure what they were about sexually until after 23 or so and went through a long period of confusion.

 

That period is no time to make permanent changes.

 

His parents may be too rigid, that's for sure, but they also may just want his brain to mature before he starts making radical changes. Anyway, that is his journey, and you shouldn't be hastening it for him.

 

The best way to help people is by being a good listener, but they have to make the changes themselves. You'll drive yourself mad failing at it for that very reason.

 

And just because you like three different people doesn't necessarily mean you are destined to remain polyamorous. You're just young. That's just being young. No one wants to settle down with one person at your age unless they're trying to escape something.

 

 

Good luck.

I understand letting them help themselves but I've known them for too long that I know they will end up dead without help. My trans friend has always been questioning his gender and sexuality but right now is the most stable I've seen him. He has multiple suicide attempts and scares and their mental health has only gotten worse. He also isn't dependent on his parents by choice, he doesn't have a car because it was totalled and does have a job but her parents are charging her $500 "rent" every month. Both he and my girlfriend have a small panic attack when a fire alarm goes off. They really aren't in a state where they can be left to their own devices. As for the parents' justification, no it is not based on genuine care. The father is too stuck up his own ass to even acknowledge that he wishes to be male and the mother thinks that taking testosterone will give her cancer.

 

As for myself. I also have to disagree with you. I have always personally hated the idea of dating without the want to settle down with them. I don't have any ill-will for people that do but I have never been a fan of it. My parents have always criticized me for being too serious about relationships. At the same time, I was hating myself for having those deep feelings for more than one person. Yes, I agree that everyone caught up in this is still young but I really do want to help my two close friends. The other girl is more an issue of not scaring her or overwhelming her not necessarily an issue she has.

[basil67]

It's concerning that the parents of all girls you've dated hate you. What's going on there?

[pepperbird]

op,

I'm saying this both as someone who has been in a relationship with someone who is mentally ill and also had a diagnosed personality disorder ( borderline). I'm also the female version of a KISA.(knight in shining armor)who wants to help everyone.

 

Do you remember the Greek myth about the Danaïdes who were condemned to forever try and fill a bucket using only a sieve? That's what being with him was like. It never ended and he would have been fine dragging me down with him, and that wouldn't have helped either one of us.

 

For both my own mental health ( and his) I had to walk away. First thoguh, I made sure he was seeing a psychiatrist and counselor. Once I knew he was being helped by professionals, I ended the relationship.

He was a really nice guy ( at first), but there is something about mental illness/personality disorders that makes a person selfish on a fundamental level. It's not intentional, but it's like the drowning man who will pull his rescuer down too.

[MuffinButton]

It's concerning that the parents of all girls you've dated hate you. What's going on there?

 

Trust me when I say absolutely nothing. I don't have a bad reputation, I don't have a criminal record, I have done nothing intentionally wrong to anyone I've dated. It's just a constant hatred against me for reasons I was either too young or too detached from, for a lack of better words, to understand.

[MuffinButton]

For both my own mental health ( and his) I had to walk away. First thoguh, I made sure he was seeing a psychiatrist and counselor. Once I knew he was being helped by professionals, I ended the relationship.

He was a really nice guy ( at first), but there is something about mental illness/personality disorders that makes a person selfish on a fundamental level. It's not intentional, but it's like the drowning man who will pull his rescuer down too.

 

Thank you for the advice. If I may ask do you still stay in contact with man you mentioned from your story. I understand that there is only so much help one can provide before the victim has to stand on their own 2 feet. But I am curious how or where he ended up. Again, right now I am for the most part ok. I have relatively low stress problems to deal with. Right now I want to help some of the people who helped me get here. The point at which I finally decided to get help is from my perspective relatively higher. I had no care whether or not I could or would die but something stopped me. And I honestly don't know what that is. For my trans friend, that point is extremely low. They have attempted suicide multiple times so what is the breaking point that will let them stand. Clearly it's not death. It's not loss of pride. So what is it. That is what I want to raise/reveal. I don't want to them to realize that point as they are dying. Especially if I could've done something to help.

[vla1120]

First of all, I give you tremendous credit for putting yourself out there to help three people who are so important to you. Not everyone is as caring and willing to get involved.

 

When does PSL turn 18? This should afford her a bit more freedom to see you when she wants. Even if her parents say “not as long as you are under my roof”, at 18 she should be able to negotiate as an adult. If she is still covered under her parent’s medical insurance, she can also seek her own professional help - Maybe with your emotional support. If she did have a bad experience with a therapist, maybe she could try group support.

 

For SCB, I would seriously consider you keeping her in the friend zone right now. Allow her to help you with PSL as she may have easier access to help her. You can care for her, even develop feelings for her, but let her mature a few more years before you have any expectations of her in terms of a poly relationship.

 

For MMS, honestly, I would do research on companies in your area who are supportive of someone in transition where he could get a full time job with benefits that would help him pay for the transition. Usually they can be found in a list of the “best companies to work for” in your area. Maybe the best thing for him is that his parents are moving to Florida. It leaves him free to make his decisions without their guilt hanging over his head. Maybe he can also find shared housing with some supportive friends (you included, perhaps.)

 

I certainly do not know you for this one thread, but I get the feeling you are wise beyond your years and you speak your mind. That in itself can be intimidating to parents and that may be why you are disliked, especially if you vocalize your support for a lifestyle for their child that they do not support.

 

Just remember to also take care of yourself.

[preraph]

I understand letting them help themselves but I've known them for too long that I know they will end up dead without help. My trans friend has always been questioning his gender and sexuality but right now is the most stable I've seen him. He has multiple suicide attempts and scares and their mental health has only gotten worse. He also isn't dependent on his parents by choice, he doesn't have a car because it was totalled and does have a job but her parents are charging her $500 "rent" every month. Both he and my girlfriend have a small panic attack when a fire alarm goes off. They really aren't in a state where they can be left to their own devices. As for the parents' justification, no it is not based on genuine care. The father is too stuck up his own ass to even acknowledge that he wishes to be male and the mother thinks that taking testosterone will give her cancer.

 

As for myself. I also have to disagree with you. I have always personally hated the idea of dating without the want to settle down with them. I don't have any ill-will for people that do but I have never been a fan of it. My parents have always criticized me for being too serious about relationships. At the same time, I was hating myself for having those deep feelings for more than one person. Yes, I agree that everyone caught up in this is still young but I really do want to help my two close friends. The other girl is more an issue of not scaring her or overwhelming her not necessarily an issue she has.

 

Were you the caretaker in your own family growing up?

[MuffinButton]

Were you the caretaker in your own family growing up?

I'm sorry? I am very confused.

[MuffinButton]

When does PSL turn 18? This should afford her a bit more freedom to see you when she wants. Even if her parents say “not as long as you are under my roof”, at 18 she should be able to negotiate as an adult. If she is still covered under her parent’s medical insurance, she can also seek her own professional help - Maybe with your emotional support. If she did have a bad experience with a therapist, maybe she could try group support.

 

She turns 18 this coming April. She didn't have a bad experience with a therapist. She was enrolled in one of those crisis programs for people who have recently attempted suicide. Like a debriefing period.

 

For SCB, I would seriously consider you keeping her in the friend zone right now. Allow her to help you with PSL as she may have easier access to help her. You can care for her, even develop feelings for her, but let her mature a few more years before you have any expectations of her in terms of a poly relationship.

 

Thanks for that. The only issue is that I'm not too close with her and I am just a socially inept **** who is horrible at making small talk but that is the least of my issues honestly. Anyway, thank you for the possible idea.

 

For MMS, honestly, I would do research on companies in your area who are supportive of someone in transition where he could get a full time job with benefits that would help him pay for the transition. Usually they can be found in a list of the “best companies to work for” in your area. Maybe the best thing for him is that his parents are moving to Florida. It leaves him free to make his decisions without their guilt hanging over his head. Maybe he can also find shared housing with some supportive friends (you included, perhaps.)

 

This is something new for me to consider. Thank you. There are a lot of unknowns in his life right now and I don't want to leave them alone with it.

 

I certainly do not know you for this one thread, but I get the feeling you are wise beyond your years and you speak your mind. That in itself can be intimidating to parents and that may be why you are disliked, especially if you vocalize your support for a lifestyle for their child that they do not support.

 

I will speak my mind but quietly and to myself or not at all. PSL's parent's disdain towards me has started since day one without me ever saying a word to them or even meeting them. When I did talk briefly with the father, he then proceeded to pick apart everything I did from the moment I walked through the door in the form of bitching to PSL. Trust me when I say that the hatred towards me from her parents is completely unwarranted and uncalled for.