Should i leave?

[Unsurewhattodo]

Hi all who read this need advice with what to do

 

Been married 8 years. im 32 shes 31, Around the time we got married the sex had started to become less frequent at the beginning it was great but a year into our marriage stopped all together. I tried talking with her about it suggested MC she wasn't keen so started doing everything i could think of help around the house date nights etc.

 

After a couple years of trying to initiate sex and being rejected each time i finally gave up trying the pain of rejection took its toll and we basically became roommates. We both just kind of sweep things under the rug as we get along so well we never really argue but we don't solve any real problems either. I'm the main person to blame for that I'm horrible at confrontation or communicating and if a few times of trying to talk about something and no changes happen i just stop trying.

 

Its been so many years now with no intimacy i found myself at a point where i don't like who i'm becoming the last 4 months i have mentally checked out and become distant and i realized just how much i miss and need that excitement or romance sex being in a physical relationship and the feeling of being wanted again.

 

My wife has noticed the changes and went from being content with our roommate existence to now checked back into our relationship, and now suggested MC and working towards fixing the marriage.

 

My problem is i don't know if i want to try even if sex returned to our relationship and we got back that spark and excitement at this point i would always be worried that in a month or year that i would find myself right back in a sexless marriage and i cant go though the feeling of being rejected again.

 

Is that enough of a reason to give up on a marriage? We have love for each other can live together get along fine but i feel like were just great friends which would be great if we were old but were both young and healthy. We don't have kids yet but have talked about them in the future.

 

Is it worth trying again? has too much time passed to solve this problem?

[Mr. Lucky]

We don't have kids yet but have talked about them in the future.

 

Certainly wise to wait, they'd only complicate an already difficult situation.

 

Is it worth trying again? has too much time passed to solve this problem?

 

Well, your wife isn't posting here, you are.

 

Are you willing to change? The passive and conflict-avoidant approach you've developed is not a recipe for marital success. And it's hard work to address and change those ingrained behaviors.

 

If you're not willing to put in the effort, doesn't really matter what your wife does. Ball is in your court...

 

Mr. Lucky

[vla1120]

Kudos to her for noticing and trying to make changes and suggesting MC. That is half the battle. Now you have to decide if you want to put in the effort. Luckily, no kids makes the situation much easier. You need to work on your communication with her. Don't think of it as "confrontation." Think of it as communication. Nothing will improve without it.

[chryssy83]

It’s a personal decision. To me, it seems like you two have a lot of good stuff there to work with. But if you’re not going to put in the effort it’s not going to work. So really it just depends on whether you want to do it. I wouldn’t leave this marriage but I’m not the one in it.

[Marc878]

Its been so many years now with no intimacy i found myself at a point where i don't like who i'm becoming the last 4 months i have mentally checked out and become distant and i realized just how much i miss and need that excitement or romance sex being in a physical relationship and the feeling of being wanted again.

 

My wife has noticed the changes and went from being content with our roommate existence to now checked back into our relationship, and now suggested MC and working towards fixing the marriage.

 

My problem is i don't know if i want to try even if sex returned to our relationship and we got back that spark and excitement at this point i would always be worried that in a month or year that i would find myself right back in a sexless marriage and i cant go though the feeling of being rejected again.

 

Is that enough of a reason to give up on a marriage? We have love for each other can live together get along fine but i feel like were just great friends which would be great if we were old but were both young and healthy. We don't have kids yet but have talked about them in the future.

 

Is it worth trying again? has too much time passed to solve this problem?

 

I suspect your wife is in self preservation mode. Will that last long term?

 

You like a lot of others tried nicing her. That never gets you a thing. Altough you should always do your part.

 

You should read "No More Mr Nice Guy" free PDF download and it's short.

 

What you've done is shown your wife it's ok to be in a sexless marriage because you'll take it. You teach people how they can treat you.

 

Will she change long term? From what I've seen and read. Doubtful. It maybe that you're not compatable. If that's the case you either take it or leave it. You do have a choice.

 

Your biggest problem is yourself. Acceptance of a lifestyle you don't want gets you what? Nothing.

 

At this time it maybe better to get some IC and fix your non confrontation, passive aggressive issues.

 

Life is very short. You're young with no kids in the mix. Don't set yourself up for failure.

[Turning point]

8 Years is a very long time, and I agree with the possibility that she has noticed you checking out of the relationship is now in preservation mode.

 

The last 8 years has obviously been working for her somehow. If it wasn't she'd have already left herself. If there was someone on the side, again with no kids she could easily have left. What is it that made this okay for her all this time, and now suddenly it's not?

 

If you want to stay - that's great but, I think you need to get to the bottom of why SHE was okay with 8 years living as roommates? If this isn't uncovered and resolved I think you are in for a repeat performance.

 

Is your relationship cooperative and cordial otherwise or has she also been treating you with contempt?

[standtall]

She is 31 and no sex already? A couple of things.

 

1. Most likely your sex life will never improve with her.....no matter what the cause is. You are too young to be celibate, so I would seriously move on.

 

2. I hate to be the first to say this, but I would suspect she is getting the sex elsewhere. Start checking out her phone, face book, audit her male friends.

[chryssy83]

As someone coming out of a relationship where I guarantee one of my husbandÂ’s biggest complaints about it would be not having enough sec, I can just tell you men and women are very different on that. The dynamics of a relationship play a huge role in a womanÂ’s interest in sex with a guy. Examples:

 

If you felt rejected and lost your confidence about sex, you might be waiting for her to take the lead initiating or during sex. Most women donÂ’t like that, at least not all the time. Women want to feel desired and appreciated.

 

If you do initiate, how you do it matters. My STBX would just sort of display himself like that was supposed to make me excited. Or he would grab at me. And I explained that starting with kissing, including some sort of conversation, etc would be better. I told him I felt sort of awkward when he just grabbed at me and that I felt like sex was best initiated by some sort of contact that started momentum going. Maybe it offended him to be coached, but when I did have sex with him after he initiated in one of the ways that made me uncomfortable it left me feeling unloved. I always wondered who he was comparing me to. Was there someone who liked this?

 

He never once had sex with me that wasnÂ’t on a bed. Once we were married I always had to take off my own clothes. I told him these were things I thought we could shake up. He did not care.

 

Trust is a big one. I didnÂ’t trust him. I compared myself to women I thought he might be with. I didnÂ’t feel like I could be vulnerable to him because I believed he was unsafe because he lied to me. I was right, he had affairs.

 

He didnÂ’t pay attention to what I said made him attractive to me. He has a beard that scratches and he wouldnÂ’t shave it, so any area the beard would contact would get raw and irritated on my body. I think he looks better without the beard. He refused to shave it even for a weekend away. I think his lips are great but he wouldnÂ’t let me touch them or even look at them up close because he said I would tickle them.

 

When I would get all dressed up and feel good about myself he never complimented me. I have no idea what parts of my body he particularly liked. Or what clothes he thought I looked good in. I donÂ’t know what his sexual preferences were because all he ever did was very plain vanilla stuff and when I asked him to tell me about past relationships he refused. Said the past didnÂ’t matter.

 

I asked him to take baths together and he wouldnÂ’t, I asked him to get drunk with me and then try sex stuff and he wouldnÂ’t. I asked for what I wanted, including using a vibrator and he said he was uncomfortable.

 

Eventually he told me he had turned off his sex drive and when I cried and said well turn it back on then he said he couldnÂ’t.

 

So in the mornings if watching him shower or play with the kids got me revved up, I would wait until he left and take care of things myself, often using fantasies of HIM to make it happen. And he doesnÂ’t know. He thinks I donÂ’t have much of a sex drive.

 

IÂ’m not saying this is all true of you, but IÂ’m sure if he tells people about our relationship they feel sorry for him that he didnÂ’t get more sex. I feel sorry for me, because I was actually the one not getting sex...he was cheating. But a very honest sesssion or two about sex with a marriage counselor might be really enlightening if you are both motivated to be that honest now. And maybe knowing that the relationship is hanging by a thread could be that motivation. I wouldnÂ’t assume itÂ’s an affair or that it canÂ’t be fixed without getting some understanding of her side of things, maybe sheÂ’s super sexually frustrated too.

[Unsurewhattodo]

Thank you for all the reply's its definitely good to hear others opinions and advice and very much appreciated. I am new here so not sure if its best to respond to everyone in one message or separate posts?

 

Mr.Lucky

I know i will definitely wait to have kids until i have decided if i can work my marriage out, i know i have a lot of work to do just on my own especially seeing others focusing on my passive non confrontation approach.

 

vla1120

She has suggested changes and says she is trying which is really good but nothing has changed yet i told her a month or two ago to find anyone she would feel comfortable with seeing for MC when she suggested it and i would go but shes hasn't found anyone yet, i think it was quite the shock of me stopping doing all the things for her that she took for granted. It was like a light switch in my head went off one day and i was over doing everything and not being appreciated for it. Since then i have tried to be more open and express my self and communicate more.

 

chryssy83

thanks, there is definitely a lot of time invested in the relationship and we do get along really well and do have good stuff to work with, but there is a lot that needs to be worked on as others have pointed out, and i think that's why i'm having trouble deciding what to do i already feel like i have been trying for so many years but with no real change.

 

marc878

I do feel you might be right about the self preservation mode, for the most part we do not fight or argue but if we did it would be for a day or two say we would work on the issues but after a couple more days we both would just continue on as if there never was an issue that had come up, I think with the way we both delt with issues in the past that the change wont last long term.

 

thank you for the suggestion i will download and read the pdf. I have tried the nicing her approach as you say for years now. I think that is why i am struggling right now with feeling taken for granted the more effort i put in the less she needed to and did.

 

Turning point

She has been the one that seems to be ok with us living as roommates, i have been the one for years struggling with how things are. The relationship has been cooperative and cordial up until the last few months when i really started thinking i cant go on unless something really changes. Unfortunately any contempt will of come from me lately as i seem to be at my breaking point with this situation and have found my self becoming distant towards her.

 

standtall

thats what im worried about i know i can fix the other parts of my marriage with work and also work on my own issues of passiveness but i don't think i can ever improve our love life and get it back to how it was in the begining.

 

I don't think she is getting sex elsewhere we both work and arrive home at roughly the same time she never goes out with her friends never wants to go out on her own her. when our problems started about the time we married i think she had an emotional affair with an old friend who lives in another state she was always talking/texting him and when i asked to see any messages to prove it was innocent she deleted them. She denied every time that they were anything other than friends but they only stopped talking to each other once he became engaged a few months later which i found very strange. But that was years ago since then i haven't noticed anything out of the ordinary with her facebook / phone. And as pointed out earlier without kids if she had found someone else i am sure she would of just left me if she didn't want to be here anymore.

[Unsurewhattodo]

 

If you felt rejected and lost your confidence about sex, you might be waiting for her to take the lead initiating or during sex. Most women donÂ’t like that, at least not all the time. Women want to feel desired and appreciated.

 

 

I am sorry to hear you had a very similar experience in your marriage to what i am dealing with now. Thank you for reply it has given me a lot to think about especially how to proceed in the future. I have definitely been at the point the last few years where i have lost my confidence even trying to initiate any sex with her as i know it will just be rejected so i don't even try.

 

Every time i tried to initiate sex we would always start by kissing and only then after a while when i tried to do anything more it was quickly shot down with an excuse.If i did not try to take it further by suggesting we go to the bed room or anything else she would have no problem kissing for hours. I tried talking to her about anything we could do to spice things up i told her i was willing to do anything she wanted i bought books dvds for us to read and watch together even toys for her hoping it would help or at least start a conversation but i think that just made her uncomfortable.

 

I am willing to try MC but have a lot of built up resentment of being rejected over the years to where i am not sure how to get past it.

 

I have been thinking lately of a short term separation to see if we miss each other while apart while we try MC is that a good idea? or is it better to be living together while going to MC

[chryssy83]

I am sorry to hear you had a very similar experience in your marriage to what i am dealing with now. Thank you for reply it has given me a lot to think about especially how to proceed in the future. I have definitely been at the point the last few years where i have lost my confidence even trying to initiate any sex with her as i know it will just be rejected so i don't even try.

 

Every time i tried to initiate sex we would always start by kissing and only then after a while when i tried to do anything more it was quickly shot down with an excuse.If i did not try to take it further by suggesting we go to the bed room or anything else she would have no problem kissing for hours. I tried talking to her about anything we could do to spice things up i told her i was willing to do anything she wanted i bought books dvds for us to read and watch together even toys for her hoping it would help or at least start a conversation but i think that just made her uncomfortable.

 

I am willing to try MC but have a lot of built up resentment of being rejected over the years to where i am not sure how to get past it.

 

I have been thinking lately of a short term separation to see if we miss each other while apart while we try MC is that a good idea? or is it better to be living together while going to MC

 

Maybe go to MC and talk about the possibility of a separation? I just think if you have built up resentment but you still care about her and feel torn about how much to invest in the relationship, counseling might really help. It would give you a safe place to start telling her how you feel about all of this and maybe open up lines of communication. You could see what she thinks about a separation and talk about what the goals of a separation would be. I see a lot on here where people say that a separation is a trial divorce and I don’t know how helpful I would expect that to be in your situation. If you are having intimacy issues I don’t know that distance is the answer, whereas if you were fighting maybe it would stop a cycle. But I’m not a counselor, I think this is a great question for a professional.

[loversquarrel]

Ooooo....not good. An emotional affair shortly after marriage is soooo not a good sign, and at about the time your intimacy dropped off? - even worse. Honestly I think you're hung up on the life you know vs. the uncertainty of the future. You are young op, think about the years wasted on what could have been. If you stay the chances of remaining this way are stronger than if you leave. It honestly can't get much worse. Think about it, the way you've been living your life is similar to moving in and living with your best male friend and doing his chores for him. Take it from me, life is so much better when you're living it.

[Chaparral]

Thank you for all the reply's its definitely good to hear others opinions and advice and very much appreciated. I am new here so not sure if its best to respond to everyone in one message or separate posts?

 

Mr.Lucky

I know i will definitely wait to have kids until i have decided if i can work my marriage out, i know i have a lot of work to do just on my own especially seeing others focusing on my passive non confrontation approach.

 

vla1120

She has suggested changes and says she is trying which is really good but nothing has changed yet i told her a month or two ago to find anyone she would feel comfortable with seeing for MC when she suggested it and i would go but shes hasn't found anyone yet, i think it was quite the shock of me stopping doing all the things for her that she took for granted. It was like a light switch in my head went off one day and i was over doing everything and not being appreciated for it. Since then i have tried to be more open and express my self and communicate more.

 

chryssy83

thanks, there is definitely a lot of time invested in the relationship and we do get along really well and do have good stuff to work with, but there is a lot that needs to be worked on as others have pointed out, and i think that's why i'm having trouble deciding what to do i already feel like i have been trying for so many years but with no real change.

 

marc878

I do feel you might be right about the self preservation mode, for the most part we do not fight or argue but if we did it would be for a day or two say we would work on the issues but after a couple more days we both would just continue on as if there never was an issue that had come up, I think with the way we both delt with issues in the past that the change wont last long term.

 

thank you for the suggestion i will download and read the pdf. I have tried the nicing her approach as you say for years now. I think that is why i am struggling right now with feeling taken for granted the more effort i put in the less she needed to and did.

 

Turning point

She has been the one that seems to be ok with us living as roommates, i have been the one for years struggling with how things are. The relationship has been cooperative and cordial up until the last few months when i really started thinking i cant go on unless something really changes. Unfortunately any contempt will of come from me lately as i seem to be at my breaking point with this situation and have found my self becoming distant towards her.

 

standtall

thats what im worried about i know i can fix the other parts of my marriage with work and also work on my own issues of passiveness but i don't think i can ever improve our love life and get it back to how it was in the begining.

 

I don't think she is getting sex elsewhere we both work and arrive home at roughly the same time she never goes out with her friends never wants to go out on her own her. when our problems started about the time we married i think she had an emotional affair with an old friend who lives in another state she was always talking/texting him and when i asked to see any messages to prove it was innocent she deleted them. She denied every time that they were anything other than friends but they only stopped talking to each other once he became engaged a few months later which i found very strange. But that was years ago since then i haven't noticed anything out of the ordinary with her facebook / phone. And as pointed out earlier without kids if she had found someone else i am sure she would of just left me if she didn't want to be here anymore.

 

I think thought she was either damaged, many abused women cut off their husbands AFTER marriage. Or she was in love with someone else or just no longer in love with you. The no sex and emotional affair is no coincidence.

 

File for divorce and waste no more of your life.