I'm 19, discovered my dad's cheating on my mom

[kithin]

I found out by downloading and reading his private messages. What he wrote was pretty disturbing to me. he has a strong emotional attachment to the other woman and he wrote he's finally feeling "that way" after a long time, there are some sexual/semi-sexual elements to it as well. He wrote that he's had sexual relationships in the past too so it's been happening for a long time. :( I already hated my dad, now I hate him even more.

 

I don't know what to do at this point. He acts totally normal with my mom, but he goes away for long times even in weekends. I always had suspicions but now i know for sure where he's going, it's even worse. My mom blindly believes him when he says where hes going: I'm not sure if she's either stupid, or just a normal person who trusts her husband, or has suspicions but is afraid of knowing the truth.

 

I don't know whether to tell my mom, how she'll react (I don't want her to get depressed), will they divorce and what'll happen to the assets, am I doing the wrong thing by hiding it from her or should i just let it carry on (as it's already been happening for a long time), and how will it affect me as i'm in college and not earning. I support my mom 100%, I feel very uncomfortable and disgusted around my dad. I feel like ruining the other woman's life by telling (anon) her husband and seeing what happens, but what if that backfires? I'm confused on what step to take cause i'm afraid i'll take the wrong step and ruin things even more, I'm too timid to either confront my dad or tell my mom or anyone which is why I came here. any advice?

[amaysngrace]

Tell your dad you know and if he doesn’t tell your mother you’re going to.

 

She has a right to know and not be living in a lie.

[Wallysbears]

Do you have a trusted relative (older adult) or a parent of one of your peers you could speak to?

 

This is a heavy burden for you and you could use someone to talk to. How about a school counselor?

[FMW]

I agree with amaysngrace. Tell your dad you know and that if he doesn't tell your mother you will.

[Wallysbears]

Tell your dad you know and if he doesn’t tell your mother you’re going to.

 

She has a right to know and not be living in a lie.

 

I completely and totally disagree with this. You are their SON, not their marriage counselor.

 

This is NOT your problem to handle. you are the child, they are the adults. I hope you can find another trusted adult to speak to and help you navigate this. This is NOT your burden to carry and I'm really angry at your parents right now. No child (even though you are technically an adult) should ever have to be in the middle of parents marriage issues.

[amaysngrace]

It won’t be her burden once she unloads it on her dad. Until she does that though, it is.

 

I just asked my own 20 yo what she would do. She said tell dad to tell me or else she will.

[SunnyWeather]

Do you have a trusted relative (older adult) or a parent of one of your peers you could speak to?

 

This is a heavy burden for you and you could use someone to talk to. How about a school counselor?

 

I totally agree. OP, it would be a good idea to get support and help to navigate this. It must be very upsetting for you. Do you have older siblings?

[kithin]

Tell your dad you know and if he doesn’t tell your mother you’re going to.

 

She has a right to know and not be living in a lie.

 

Thanks for replying. I'm afraid of my dad. I don't have the courage to speak to him, and I don't know whether he'll deny and would he be aggressive or violent toward me or my mom. I'm afraid of a major change, like divorce. The problem is, everything's kind of going on fine, although he's a cheater, he is good at hiding it and my mom is still happy with him (I think). My mom doesn't want to be alone. Also, they have many assets together. I don't know what would happen to the jointly owned home, what if he decides to continue living there and brings the other woman (I think that would be the worst thing). Also, my mom is financially independent but needs the home for job. What if he challenges me to tell my mom and she doesn't believe in me. What if he tells me he'll stop if I don't tell, but then he doesn't stop but just gets smarter at hiding it from me.

[LivingWaterPlease]

I agree that you need support from someone you respect and trust. It seems to me it would be good for you to tell your Dad you know but not knowing your Dad I wouldn't know how to advise it.

 

This may seem like an odd question, but is your dad prone to violence or to passive aggressive behavior? My concern would be his lashing out at you in some way so that's one reason you really need support right there where you are before telling him.

 

Do you belong to a church? Is there an adult (besides your parents) you have a great deal of respect for and trust in?

[SunnyWeather]

OP, you've laid out all the reasons why some of us are suggesting you get support in these matters, it's too much for you to navigate this alone. Quite frankly, these are matters that a professional would be better to take on, and release the burden from you.

 

I wish you all the best

[LivingWaterPlease]

How old are you and what year of college are you in? Do you have siblings and if so what ages are they?

 

My concern is first for you and then your mother. You shouldn't have to bear the burden of this.

 

You really need a counselor to help you through this. That's the very first thing you need to see to.

[LivingWaterPlease]

I also want to add that I grew up with this same knowledge and burden. But, I had siblings and we processed it together which was somewhat helpful.

 

In my situation, eventually the parent who was being cheated on discovered it and it was a life long ongoing saga between my two parents about it.

 

I would not want to have gotten between them as it was bad enough as it was and anything I could have done wouldn't have changed the scenario.

 

I have also had friends who have had to deal with this type thing. It's more common than you realize and chances are some of your friends are dealing with the same thing but, of course, not talking about it because of the shame associated with it.

 

Bottom line, it may or may not change anything between your parents for you to tell your father, except your relationship with him may worsen. It seems to me from your posts you recognize that.

 

You definitely need to find a counselor of some sort. A professional would be great.

[kithin]

I completely and totally disagree with this. You are their SON, not their marriage counselor.

 

This is NOT your problem to handle. you are the child, they are the adults. I hope you can find another trusted adult to speak to and help you navigate this. This is NOT your burden to carry and I'm really angry at your parents right now. No child (even though you are technically an adult) should ever have to be in the middle of parents marriage issues.

 

Shouldn't you be only angry at my father, rather than both my parents?

 

Yes, although I'm technically an adult, I'm more like a minor emotionally and physically.

 

I totally agree. OP, it would be a good idea to get support and help to navigate this. It must be very upsetting for you. Do you have older siblings?

 

Do you have a trusted relative (older adult) or a parent of one of your peers you could speak to?

 

This is a heavy burden for you and you could use someone to talk to. How about a school counselor?

 

I have some peers but nobody I'm that close to. I have one older sister but she's mentally disabled. So overall I don't have anyone to tell it to. That's why I came here.

[Wallysbears]

Shouldn't you be only angry at my father, rather than both my parents?

 

 

You are correct.

 

Is there a school counselor at your school you can speak to? A trusted professor? Do you live in a dorm? Maybe an RA?

[bathtub-row]

If you’re afraid of your father, then your mom probably is, too. I would not recommend talking to your father about this. Personally, I would leave it alone. My guess is, your mom knows or suspects what he’s doing. Because of the temperament of your father, announcing this knowledge to anyone could cause real problems. The only person I would even consider telling is your mom. Or, you could have her “accidentally” stumble on those messages so that it appears she found out on her own. If she knows you know about it but she plans to stay with your father, she may be embarrassed by you knowing. Or she may feel inclined to do something about it when she normally wouldn’t have. Telling others, especially family members, could also ignite a war.

[kithin]

I agree that you need support from someone you respect and trust. It seems to me it would be good for you to tell your Dad you know but not knowing your Dad I wouldn't know how to advise it.

 

This may seem like an odd question, but is your dad prone to violence or to passive aggressive behavior? My concern would be his lashing out at you in some way so that's one reason you really need support right there where you are before telling him.

 

Do you belong to a church? Is there an adult (besides your parents) you have a great deal of respect for and trust in?

 

My dad is never violent. But in this case, he has a strong emotional relationship with the other person, not just sexual (as far as I can tell from the messages). That makes me more fearful of how he'd react. He might turn violent. He is much stronger than me. Also, he is very intelligent and I'm afraid of any plans he could make. I want to make a better plan of how this would be handled before he can make any plans of his own. I wish he could just get out of our lives and things could continue normally without him, but my mother might not want him out of her life. Maybe if he leaves she'd become depressed and it could ruin her life.

 

OP, you've laid out all the reasons why some of us are suggesting you get support in these matters, it's too much for you to navigate this alone. Quite frankly, these are matters that a professional would be better to take on, and release the burden from you.

 

I wish you all the best

 

I am already seeing a counselor for other issues, but he's a counselor at college so he's probably more experienced with students who're stressed or depressed because of academics and jobs. I don't know what he'd have to say about this. But maybe I should wait for my next appointment.

[kithin]

If you’re afraid of your father, then your mom probably is, too. I would not recommend talking to your father about this. Personally, I would leave it alone. My guess is, your mom knows or suspects what he’s doing. Because of the temperament of your father, announcing this knowledge to anyone could cause real problems. The only person I would even consider telling is your mom. Or, you could have her “accidentally” stumble on those messages so that it appears she found out on her own. If she knows you know about it but she plans to stay with your father, she may be embarrassed by you knowing. Or she may feel inclined to do something about it when she normally wouldn’t have. Telling others, especially family members, could also ignite a war.

 

That seems like a better idea, although I'm confused how to implement it. I have the messages downloaded but don't have any more access to his messages. I can't just give her the downloaded file because she'd realize that someone must have downloaded them. I think i'll have to think more about how she could accidentally discover them without revealing that I know.

 

Also, I don't really want her to read those messages cause it'd hurt her. But again, if I eventually have to prove it I'd have to show those messages anyway.

Edited March 11, 2019 by kithin

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Maybe you could anonymously tell the husband and he could tell your mom....

 

She does have a right to know, and you shouldn't worry about things like their assets, the house, etc. It would be a process if they divorce and not something that happens overnight.

[preraph]

Honestly, I hate to say it, but your mom may have just chosen to not see it because she wants to stay married and maybe feels she has no other options but to stay married. Does she work outside the home? Could she support herself?

 

Look, you have every right to be mad and disappointed, but this isn't really your problem to get in the middle of. I'm afraid that if you tell him you know, he will just manipulate you into keeping his secret for him by lying or making you feel sorry for him. I guarantee he will say something blaming your mother, like that she doesn't want sex or something that you do NOT want to have a conversation about, because that's what all cheaters do -- they blame the other person. Do you have any older siblings to talk to who you could trust who might have some input about it?

[salparadise]

Kithin, I'm sorry you're having to deal with this. It must be extremely difficult for you, a heavy burden. You are right to seek insight and counsel as far as how to handle it and what to do. I would suggest a professional counselor, because regardless of the ultimate outcome you will have to deal with the residual emotions. I'd hate to see this interfere with your ability to have healthy relationships in the future. Alternatively, or in addition, a trusted adult might be good to talk to, but I'd caution you to choose very carefully if you decide to go that route. I'd suggest professional counseling first.

 

Beware of advice given on these forums (or the internet generally). You'll get lots of conflicting advice, and the ones with the most self-assurance as to being "right" are probably the least insightful. It's a projection of their own traumatic experience, and they may be more interested in seeing someone suffer consequences than in helping you sort out how to deal with your situation. They are moral absolutists, and they typically give finite, black and white rules that you "should" follow because there is only one right way––their way. They do not see the complexity or nuance in difficult situations.

 

They may say that your mom has a right to know, but... you don't know what your mom would want. She may already know or strongly suspect and chooses not to make an issue of it. They could have a don't ask don't tell understanding that you know nothing about. Or she may wish she had never known if she finds out. Sometimes people end up blaming the messenger too. There are a huge number of possibilities. This is between the two of them, it's not your place to alter the course of the universe. Take nothing for granted, and try to discern what is wise in the largest context.

 

I wish there was something I could say to ease your burden; this is a tough place to be. You seem like a mature, thoughtful 19 year old. I'm sure you'll handle it well if you take your time. You can't unring a bell.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Look, you have every right to be mad and disappointed, but this isn't really your problem to get in the middle of.

 

Except by taking no action, the rest of his/her life and future relationships will also be affected. Either way this will happen (trust issues), but I would think confronting it will lessen the consequences for him/her a bit.

 

I was in my twenties when my dad's infidelity was discovered. It would have been a terrible burden to carry if my mom hadn't known.

[Starswillshine]

OP, I am so sorry you are here. I agree that you are right to seek out professional counseling for this. I dont know if there is a right or wrong thing to do here. We dont know what your mom does or does not know or suspect. We dont know how she would react. We dont know if she is actually miserable in the marriage. There is too many variables here to give definitive advice. All I can say is that I am angry for you and angry that your father has put you in this position.

 

I'll share my brief story, but for my story, there would be another that comes along that is completely different. I found out my husband was cheating on me and I was completely distraught. I thought we had a happy marriage. I thought I was living out my fairytale. Eventually, i just couldnt move past it, and I divorced. After stepping away from it all, I realised just how unhappy I actually was. I no longer have the tension he gave me daily. For 20 years. We have multiple kids together. I have been a SAHM for almost 2 decades. I had everything to lose. But I couldnt stay stuck in my u happy state (following finding out). Never once did I wish I never knew. In fact, I fought and fought for more information because I had to figure out what was real in life.

 

But that is my story. I'm happier now. I grew a lot from it. And the best thing that happened... is my xH cheated on me.. because I now know true happiness. But for some people, it doesnt work out this way. So I dont want to encourage that you should tell. But on the other hand, it may end up being a good thing in the long run if the affair is discovered (not necessarily by you).

Edited March 12, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Orokotikki]

Tell your mom, give her your evidence.

Anonymously if you have to, or even better have a trusted member of her family present.

Tell her yourself alone if you must.

In you heart you know its the right thing to do.

Maybe they will reconcile, maybe they won't.

Thats up to them, but your mom deserves to be able to make that decision informed.

If violence is a worry, there is the Sojourner project and countless women's advocacy organizations that can help with safety.

 

Be strong. Many people here reading this, even if they don't say so, believe in you and trust you to do the right thing.

 

You can do this.

[LivingWaterPlease]

My dad is never violent. But in this case, he has a strong emotional relationship with the other person, not just sexual (as far as I can tell from the messages). That makes me more fearful of how he'd react. He might turn violent. He is much stronger than me. Also, he is very intelligent and I'm afraid of any plans he could make. I want to make a better plan of how this would be handled before he can make any plans of his own. I wish he could just get out of our lives and things could continue normally without him, but my mother might not want him out of her life. Maybe if he leaves she'd become depressed and it could ruin her life.

 

 

I am already seeing a counselor for other issues, but he's a counselor at college so he's probably more experienced with students who're stressed or depressed because of academics and jobs. I don't know what he'd have to say about this. But maybe I should wait for my next appointment.

 

Your feelings about wanting to solve this are normal, but it's your parents' place to navigate their relationship, not yours.

 

Not knowing you or more about your family situation, imo, it's unwise to counsel you on a message board as to what to do, other than to get professional help, which you already have.

 

This knowledge has impacted your life but the way it's handled probably will have an additional impact on your life and that's why you need support where you are in order to handle possible repercussions from your dad, should you decide to talk with him about it while you're still dependent on him.

 

We can guess all day long about your mother, whether she'd want to know or not, but chances are if your dad is spending long periods of time away from home the thought has occurred to your mother that he may be involved in activities with someone else. She maybe has decided to close her eyes to the situation for the time being. Then again, maybe she doesn't know.

 

Even if she finds out, chances are that she'll decide to stay with your father.

 

Imo, it would be healthy for you to talk with him about it at some point, for your own good. But, imo, it would be best for you to be coming from a place of strength within yourself and possibly from financial independence when you talk with him. You mention you don't like him and I believe you mentioned you're afraid of him (correct me if I'm wrong).

 

I eventually was able to confront my parent who cheated, but it was well after I was an adult, independent from my parents and healed of the damage it had done to me. I wish I'd done it earlier (not while dependent on my parents but earlier in my adulthood) but I wasn't ready.

 

Once I confronted my parent (who denied cheating, though I had seen it with my own eyes!) it was very freeing for me, even though it was denied.

 

This is a concern I have for you confronting your dad, is that he may deny it. Just because you have proof won't mean he won't try to get out of it, which is what I experienced.

Edited March 11, 2019 by LivingWaterPlease

[basil67]

What prompted you to download his private messages?