GF doesn't like Marijuana (update: She's gone for good)

[basil67]

When, as per your therapist's advice, you disclosed to her that you'd been using all this time and lying about it to her, it was all going to go to hell in a handcart anyway.

[Coup La-La]

As has been said here many, many times, you can be right or you can be happy.

 

You chose to be right, nothing wrong with that. You’ll just have to accept the consequences and move on with your life...

 

 

Why do I have to keep saying this *THIS WASN'T BECAUSE OF WEED*,

 

Let's get back to the original point, that being: turmoil and despair.

[ExpatInItaly]

She's gone, OP. This isn't the woman you're going to marry.

 

You are going to have to pick yourself up, a bit at a time, and work towards acceptance and then recovery from the break-up.

[assertives]

Weed aside, and any other problems aside, I just wanted to say that what jumped out at me when reading your posts is how you liken meeting someone to some kind of a scale. I mean, you may think that your ex fiancé is the only girl who checked 16 out of the 17 boxes of requirements you have for the perfect woman and hence you believe this is likely the best you'll ever get and that every or anyone else that comes after is only going to be 2nd best. But the thing is, life isn't black and white and is not linear too. Your list of qualities that a perfect woman should have may not necessarily translate to qualities that make a suitable life partner for you. As you age and go through more experiences in life, what you look for, value or place more priority in for a life partner will change too.

 

You made a lot of comparisons of one having issues with your use of weed as necessary medication as similar to having issues with diabetics needing insulin as necessary medication. Assuming you have a very valid ailment that you have a very valid prescription from a physician for weed, it's incredibly messed up for someone supposed to be your better half to take issues with your necessary medication for whatever you've been prescribed weed for. As your better half, she should be supportive of you getting whatever treatment you need for your ailments as prescribed. I cannot imagine having a partner having issues with me taking medications to control my blood pressure.

 

Your ex fiancé though she supposedly hit 16 out of your 17 requirements, she was lacking in support and even empathy for her partner. Coupled with not being in love with you anymore, you see how that ultimately didn't end up towards a healthy and fruitful long-term relationship. You'll definitely meet someone "better" but perhaps a different "better" than your current definition or expectations of "better". Who knows, you may find someone who checks 25 or 30 out of your list of 17, and bring to the table qualities you never knew were important or you valued until you've experienced it.

 

Keep your chin up, there's still much in life to explore, to grow and to live for, if you are willing to give it a second thought.

Edited November 24, 2019 by assertives

[schlumpy]

I'm in my late 30s, just about everyone I know who got married to someone they met at this stage in their life married someone that was beneath them. Or in cases like my aunt and uncle, never got married at all.

 

Really? Is that what they told you? That they settled because no one better would have them?

 

I have a friend whose wife is not someone I could see myself being with but she sure makes him happy and that's all that matters. I can certainly be friends with her. I never once thought she was beneath me.

 

That is a callous term to be judging people with and you are judging them. I wonder how many boxes you check off on your GF's list? Using your value system has she not demonstrated that you are beneath her and she would not settle for you?

 

I'm sure you have a mirror in your home. Learn to use it.

[salparadise]

Why do I have to keep saying this *THIS WASN'T BECAUSE OF WEED*,

 

I don't see how you can continue to deny that weed was integral. What comes through in both threads is how dismissive-defensive you are. It's as if you're convinced that because this is what you chose, she had no other choice but to accept it. And then you became disingenuous and led her to believe that you had quit, which again was merely a tactic to dismiss her feelings, and deny her any agency. This attitude and the continued using are not separate, discrete issues.

 

Even if she consciously believed that you were no longer using, she may have intuited more accurately that nothing had changed, or that plus something even more incongruent (stoned+deception). When you're disingenuous about something major it creates distance, the opposite of nourishing intimacy as one would expect with a fiancé. Something felt off to her, and even if she couldn't pin it down precisely, she knew. It was palpable, and she did have a choice. As did you.

 

I'm not tryin to be hurtful. I know the pain of losing someone unexpectedly like this, for what seems like no real reason, and I wouldn't wish it on anyone. It's going to take time, maybe a lot of time, but you will grieve, accept it and feel whole again. In the meantime, keep putting one foot in front of the other, and take good care of yourself.

[Mr. Lucky]

Let's get back to the original point, that being: turmoil and despair.

 

Self-inflicted turmoil and despair. Taking ownership helps both in moving forward and avoiding the same mistake(s) down the road...

 

Mr. Lucky

[preraph]

That's why I never cheated on her, never strayed my eye, and let her know how important she was. A lot of people say "I wish I knew what I dad"...I DID know what I had, I did have gratitude for her being in my life, I did send her flowers for no reason, I did write her poems, I did tell the whole world about her. before I was looking at a life of joy and gratefulness, now I'm looking at a life of "2nd best"

 

Yeah, you did the things you wanted to do, but you won't do the one thing that is a dealbreaker for most people: stop getting high.

 

Staying high is going to be a dealbreaker for most people. You say she's so important to you, but you still put getting high over her and chose that over here. It's a dealbreaker. Not getting her flowers isn't a dealbreaker. Not writing poems isn't a dealbreaker.

 

You're clinging to staying hammered and I imagine you have some past pain you are numbing out to be willing to give anyone up to keep doing it, which means you need help sorting that out and dealing with your problems from the past so you can have a present and a future.

 

Look, I'm an old hippie and I know about getting high. But I also know the difference between someone who is addicted to staying high and someone who isn't. There was never a time I couldn't easily just pass on getting high. Only people with underlying issues and addiction issues or people numbing pain can't set it aside. That needs to be dealt with.

 

You know, you saying you did all these little things for her as if that should make her accept you getting high is pretty typical. For example, I know I've seen many of my acquaintances quit everything else except the one thing they desperately need to quit. Like they would stop eating meat, stop smoking, stop caffeine, stop dairy, you name it, but they wouldn't quit drinking or getting high on whatever. They do that to tell themselves they are in control, that they are not so bad, that they can quit these other things, that they are healthy, when they're just raging alcoholics or addicts unwilling to stop the one thing they need to.

[preraph]

Weed isn't the "best thing" for anyone's health and certainly not staying high on it like you do. Just because you can find a doctor to prescribe it doesn't mean there aren't 10 better meds out there to treat what you have. You are an addict hiding behind a doctor's prescription -- and guess what? That is the biggest problem today, doctor-prescribed meds. There's more addicts from that than street drugs. No one is going to stay with an addict except another addict.

[FMW]

The fact that you have a history of repeated breakups was a warning sign things weren't stable, and that another breakup - including a permanent one - wasn't out of the question.

 

Were the breakups only about weed? Or was that just the easiest thing to pin them on, for you or for her? If you are honest with yourself and stop dismissing any complaints she made to you (whether about weed or anything else) you might be able to see how things got to where they are.

 

It seems you were happy with the way things were (except for her harassing you about weed), but she was not. She clearly didn't see the relationship the way you do (or she wouldn't have ended it), so I think it's likely you ignored or dismissed things all along the way that would give you the explanation you are looking for. If you didn't accept what she was saying along the way, as has been suggested before, then it wouldn't be surprising if she didn't feel the need to keep trying to explain her dissatisfaction.

[preraph]

^ Exactly, because he was so zoned out, he didn't even feel any of the complaints she was making and was just self-absorbed and oblivious.

[Coup La-La]

I mean, you may think that your ex fiancé is the only girl who checked 16 out of the 17 boxes of requirements you have for the perfect woman and hence you believe this is likely the best you'll ever get and that every or anyone else that comes after is only going to be 2nd best. But the thing is, life isn't black and white and is not linear too. Your list of qualities that a perfect woman should have may not necessarily translate to qualities that make a suitable life partner for you. As you age and go through more experiences in life, what you look for, value or place more priority in for a life partner will change too.

 

Your ex fiancé though she supposedly hit 16 out of your 17 requirements, she was lacking in support and even empathy for her partner. Coupled with not being in love with you anymore, you see how that ultimately didn't end up towards a healthy and fruitful long-term relationship. You'll definitely meet someone "better" but perhaps a different "better" than your current definition or expectations of "better". Who knows, you may find someone who checks 25 or 30 out of your list of 17, and bring to the table qualities you never knew were important or you valued until you've experienced it.

 

Keep your chin up, there's still much in life to explore, to grow and to live for, if you are willing to give it a second thought.

 

It's not just because of a list of qualities I'm looking for, it's how she makes me feel. When other women tell me that I'm good looking or that I'm well endowed, I just figured that it's something women say to their love interest, but when she says it I believe her without question. When she touches me my whole body is at peace, like how opiod addicts describe how they feel when they use. When she tells me she loves me, my heart jumps. When she speaks to me before bed I fall asleep like a newborn puppy.

 

several of my ex girlfriends have said "I'll never meet anyone as amazing as you"....and they were right, they didn't. In fact one of them got married last year, and is still in my FB inbox asking me why we didn't work out, and what does she have to do to win me back.

 

Really? Is that what they told you? That they settled because no one better would have them?

 

Actually yes, a lot have. My cousin is a professor at an ivy league medical school, she's been a part of doctors without borders, she's even testified to foreign governments about healthcare. She ended up marrying a man who's not only an idiot, but he's also a compulsive over eater. I've never once heard her tell him I love you, I've never seen her give him any form of affection, but she did that with her former boyfriends.

 

At her wedding, my aunt asked her "why him" her response: I'm not getting any younger.

 

 

That is a callous term to be judging people with and you are judging them. I wonder how many boxes you check off on your GF's list? Using your value system has she not demonstrated that you are beneath her and she would not settle for you?

 

I'm sure you have a mirror in your home. Learn to use it.

 

It may be a bit callous, but it gets right to the point: MOST people who marry someone they've met at this stage of their, lower their standards. I've seen it firsthand, my mother has seen it with many of her patients, my anthropology professor from college saw it all the time when he wrote his book about the subject.

 

When we met it turned out she had written her own list several years before we met, I met 29 out of 31.

[preraph]

It's not just because of a list of qualities I'm looking for, it's how she makes me feel.

 

I've noticed over and over in this thread that you never acknowledge her feelings and the issues she has with you. You just go right into me, me, me, what you want, why she's right for you, never even addressing how she feels. It's not all about you. If you weren't stoned all the time, you'd know that. I need, I need, I want, I want. Snap out of it and try thinking about this after you've been unstoned for a week.

[Coup La-La]

I don't see how you can continue to deny that weed was integral. What comes through in both threads is how dismissive-defensive you are. It's as if you're convinced that because this is what you chose, she had no other choice but to accept it. And then you became disingenuous and led her to believe that you had quit, which again was merely a tactic to dismiss her feelings, and deny her any agency. This attitude and the continued using are not separate, discrete issues.

 

Even if she consciously believed that you were no longer using, she may have intuited more accurately that nothing had changed, or that plus something even more incongruent (stoned+deception). When you're disingenuous about something major it creates distance, the opposite of nourishing intimacy as one would expect with a fiancé. Something felt off to her, and even if she couldn't pin it down precisely, she knew. It was palpable, and she did have a choice. As did you.

.

 

1. Yes I'm dismissive of anyone who comes from a perspective of ignorance trying to claim expertise over those who have actually studied it. Be it people who deny climate change, people who claim the Earth is flat, people who argue with doctors saying vaccines cause [insert urban legend]. She never once read anything about it, never spoke to a Dr. couldn't even tell me who had told her that weed is bad, nor give me one specific reason why it's bad.

 

2. I'm not getting defensive, I'm annoyed that these stupid lies about weed have stifled scientific progress. It it weren't for these BS lies about weed, we would've probably cured epilipsy and diabetes by now.

--> As the Romans said "cui bono", who benefits. Do you think it's any coincidence that the 2 groups spending the most lobbying money to keep weed illegal are drug companies and private prisons???

 

3. There are 3 choices. 1. Be nauseus all the time, which in turn makes it difficult to work. 2. Take my Rx made for AIDS and cancer patients, which knocks me out for 18 - 24 hours, making it impossible to work. 3. ingest THC, which nobody even notices if they can't smell it. In fact my ex girlfriend's mother still compliments me on never smoking weed in my life.

 

Self-inflicted turmoil and despair. Taking ownership helps both in moving forward and avoiding the same mistake(s) down the road...

 

I'll meet you halfway: If i knew 3 years ago what I know now, I would've just started eating edibles from day 1, and she would've been none the wiser.

[basil67]

So you don't deny being dismissive of her. With this knowledge, how is it that you can't figure out why she lost love for you?

[Coup La-La]

Yeah, you did the things you wanted to do, but you won't do the one thing that is a dealbreaker for most people: stop getting high.

 

Staying high is going to be a dealbreaker for most people. You say she's so important to you, but you still put getting high over her and chose that over here. It's a dealbreaker. Not getting her flowers isn't a dealbreaker. Not writing poems isn't a dealbreaker.

 

You're clinging to staying hammered and I imagine you have some past pain you are numbing out to be willing to give anyone up to keep doing it, which means you need help sorting that out and dealing with your problems from the past so you can have a present and a future.

 

Look, I'm an old hippie and I know about getting high. But I also know the difference between someone who is addicted to staying high and someone who isn't. There was never a time I couldn't easily just pass on getting high. Only people with underlying issues and addiction issues or people numbing pain can't set it aside. That needs to be dealt with.

 

You know, you saying you did all these little things for her as if that should make her accept you getting high is pretty typical. For example, I know I've seen many of my acquaintances quit everything else except the one thing they desperately need to quit. Like they would stop eating meat, stop smoking, stop caffeine, stop dairy, you name it, but they wouldn't quit drinking or getting high on whatever. They do that to tell themselves they are in control, that they are not so bad, that they can quit these other things, that they are healthy, when they're just raging alcoholics or addicts unwilling to stop the one thing they need to.

 

You say all this, but you haven't said 1 specific reason why weed is bad, I can give you a laundry list of reasons why it's good.

 

The fact that you have a history of repeated breakups was a warning sign things weren't stable, and that another breakup - including a permanent one - wasn't out of the question.

 

Were the breakups only about weed? Or was that just the easiest thing to pin them on, for you or for her? If you are honest with yourself and stop dismissing any complaints she made to you (whether about weed or anything else) you might be able to see how things got to where they are.

 

It seems you were happy with the way things were (except for her harassing you about weed), but she was not. She clearly didn't see the relationship the way you do (or she wouldn't have ended it), so I think it's likely you ignored or dismissed things all along the way that would give you the explanation you are looking for. If you didn't accept what she was saying along the way, as has been suggested before, then it wouldn't be surprising if she didn't feel the need to keep trying to explain her dissatisfaction.

 

Nope, weed was the ONLY thing we ever argued about. And I haven't smoked it for 6 months, she's incapable of keeping something that bothering her to herself for 6 hours, let alone 6 months.

 

I've noticed over and over in this thread that you never acknowledge her feelings and the issues she has with you. You just go right into me, me, me, what you want, why she's right for you, never even addressing how she feels. It's not all about you. If you weren't stoned all the time, you'd know that. I need, I need, I want, I want. Snap out of it and try thinking about this after you've been unstoned for a week.

 

1. I have acknowledged her feelings. She's not American, she grew up in a country with a less nuanced perspective that we have in the US. That's why I started having edibles, even though they're less effective and a lot slower than smoking. I have move 10 miles for her and she hasn't moved 10 inches for me.

 

2. Marijuana doesn't change your basic personality structure, more reefer madness BS.

 

3. Since we broke up I don't eat, I don't sleep much, and I haven't consume THC in any form, as I write this my body is expelling the canibinoids from my body. Again this is why we ASK instead of assume.

[Coup La-La]

Let me make this point again, because it's clear the point is being missed: THIS WAS NOT ABOUT WEED, if it were she would've said so.

 

Thinking about it now, I think it was just an excuse she had to create conflict.

Her: weed is bad

Me: Ok, if you find another medication for my nausea that I haven't tried yet, I'll use that and stop smoking.

Her: um.....um.....[silence]

 

After I had complications from my surgery I had excruciating stomach pain, what did she say: Have you tried smoking weed?

 

Once time we broke up in the past, she didn't say anything much at first and then a week later it turned out that one of her coworkers lied and said that she slept with me, even though I've never met that woman in person in my life.

[preraph]

It's about you staying high all the time. And I love how you assume no one else has read the literature even though we've got quite a few years on you and may be from the first generation to use marijuana. You neglected her and her feelings and set her aside. Don't forget you have another thread on here about her not liking you getting high all the time, so you can't act like it's not a factor. It's a big factor.

 

You're just justifying your addiction because you're that desperate of an addict. You'll throw anyone away or anything to keep getting high. It's the very last thing you'll give up. That's addiction. If it were going to cure anything, we've had the last 50+ years for that to happen. You're spouting nonsense. Trust me, it can't cure diabetes. I know some people who are living proof of that. You are living to justify your addiction and you put way more effort into that than into anything else, best I can tell.

[basil67]

It probably wasn't about weed. However I still maintain that you dismissing her views would have caused her to lose love for you. It was your 'know it all' attitude about the weed rather than the weed itself.

[preraph]

To know why she left you, all you have to do is read your past posts, one about her not liking you smoking weed, one that you don't want her to meet your mother, and one that you take too long to orgasm (because of smoking weed every day). Stopping weed would solve two of those three problems, and it might even make Mom approve of you more.

[Coup La-La]

It's about you staying high all the time. And I love how you assume no one else has read the literature even though we've got quite a few years on you and may be from the first generation to use marijuana.

 

The "1st generation" to use marijuana in the US was the colonists, that's why George Washington wrote about it.

 

You neglected her and her feelings and set her aside. Don't forget you have another thread on here about her not liking you getting high all the time, so you can't act like it's not a factor. It's a big factor.

I didn't "neglect" her feelings, I told her many times "I understand in your country you don't learn about this in the same way we do here", I said to her "I'm not smoking anymore because your happiness is impiortant to me"

 

and what about her? Isn't she the one being "neglitful" by saying "I don't dispute the fact that weed helps your nausea, and I can't cite a specific reason why weed is bad, but you should just stop smoking it"???

 

You're just justifying your addiction because you're that desperate of an addict. You'll throw anyone away or anything to keep getting high. It's the very last thing you'll give up. That's addiction.

 

 

You: You're an addict

Me: Here's the criteria for calling someone an addict, I don't meet any of them

You: you're an addict

 

If it were going to cure anything, we've had the last 50+ years for that to happen. You're spouting nonsense. Trust me, it can't cure diabetes. I know some people who are living proof of that. You are living to justify your addiction and you put way more effort into that than into anything else, best I can tell.

 

If we had been spending the last 80+ years making medications and experimenting with compounds derived from Marijuana instead of dealing in myth and lies, science would be much progressed. Like how many psychiatric drugs are derived from naturally occurring plants. * The fact that people who smoke weed are less likely to get type II diabetes (even when you control for things like diet and genetics) is unto itself a sign that there is vast opportunity *

 

 

 

It probably wasn't about weed. However I still maintain that you dismissing her views would have caused her to lose love for you. It was your 'know it all' attitude about the weed rather than the weed itself.

 

We haven't talked about weed in months, and while I did point out that she would be helped by learning the facts, I always made sure I spent 2x as much time acknowledging her emotions connected to it. I was raised in a house of mental health professionals, I am the last person in the world to ignore the emotions attached to any situation.

[elaine567]

Usually when people split up during an engagement it is due to some dealbreaker "event" like cheating or it is about "the future".

They no longer see a future with that person.

They have taken a good look at the relationship and do not like what they see.

They cannot imagine themselves married to that person for life.

Therefore they initiate the split.

[basil67]

And yet you've described her in the most appalling ways on your previous thread. A relationship cannot be sustained with this level of disrespect - either covert or overt

 

Even a few posts back you say that if you knew what you knew now, you'd just use secretly. Do you really think that lying by omission is a great way to have a relationship?

[Coup La-La]

To know why she left you, all you have to do is read your past posts, one about her not liking you smoking weed, one that you don't want her to meet your mother, and one that you take too long to orgasm (because of smoking weed every day). Stopping weed would solve two of those three problems, and it might even make Mom approve of you more.

 

Again: this is NOT about weed

 

I had delayed orgasms well before I ever smoked weed, I had delayed orgasms even when I''ve gone months and months without ingesting THC in any form. --> After speaking to a sex therapist it revelead that I've just had a fear of getting any woman pregnant, now that I've dealt with it I don't have that problem anymore. Once again this why we ask instead of assume.

 

I did introduce to my mother

[preraph]

You literally say in that post about your gf not liking you smoking marijuana, and I quote, "Marijuana is the ONLY thing we ever argue about."

 

If she quit bringing it up, I'm sure it was because she was sick of having to listen to your "research" and diatribes to justify it, because you are very long-winded on the subject, instead of applying common sense, like most people will do.