GF doesn't like Marijuana (update: She's gone for good)

[Coup La-La]

And yet you've described her in the most appalling ways on your previous thread. A relationship cannot be sustained with this level of disrespect - either covert or overt

 

Even a few posts back you say that if you knew what you knew now, you'd just use secretly. Do you really think that lying by omission is a great way to have a relationship?

 

Is it ideal? HELL NO

Is it the only truly amicable solution, where everyone is content: Yes

 

I really wish our society didn't have it backwards, we glorify things like alcohol and psychiatric drugs, which can be physically addictive and run the risk of death, yet at the same time demonize weed, even though the pile of evidence of it's benefits get larger everyday ---> But we have to deal with where we are.

 

I admit, I should've proposed to her earlier, not only because I knew I wanted to marry her, but also because we could've gone to pre-marriage counseling, and she could've spoken to a neutral 3rd party. That's how my parents stayed together before my dad quite smoking tobacco (which is actually bad for you.)

[Coup La-La]

You literally say in that post about your gf not liking you smoking marijuana, and I quote, "Marijuana is the ONLY thing we ever argue about."

 

If she quit bringing it up, I'm sure it was because she was sick of having to listen to your "research" and diatribes to justify it, because you are very long-winded on the subject, instead of applying common sense, like most people will do.

 

She quit bringing it up because I stop smoking it. As I said before, she's incapable of holding back her feelings for long amounts of time.

 

Common sense: If something helps you, and has very few side effects, you stick with it.

 

Notice how you have neither 1. cited a specific reason why weed is bad nor 2. acknowledged that I don't meet any of the criteria for addiction.

[assertives]

She quit bringing it up because I stop smoking it. As I said before, she's incapable of holding back her feelings for long amounts of time.

 

Maybe that's the case, but if she has already seen you high regularly in the past, there will always be this nagging feeling at the back of the mind that braces her for the next time she sees you high again. To her, you were someone who literally champions for weed, she knows she cannot realistically expect you to stay away for "till death do us part" since you guys were engaged to marry, and weed probably was a deal-breaker for her. You may likely think that is a dumb deal-breaker given how you've come across in your posts, but deal-breakers don't need to make sense. Just like how someone may choose not to date divorced people, or people who have tattoos/short/long hair, etc.

 

You are quite argumentative and dismissive in your posts both in this and your previous thread. Are you like this too in real life? I get disagreeing with what others say, and counter arguments, but the way you argue your pet subject on weed does seem to make you come across as holier than thou, know better than the rest of you in your posts. It gets tiring fast. I remember reading your earlier thread and you were just as dismissive and argumentative about weed, and her stance on it. You even said why should you be respecting her stance on weed as it's based on ignorance and selfishness. I wouldn't be too surprised if your high-handedness ate away at her feelings for you. I remember thinking to myself then that this relationship isn't going to last and here we are today.

 

Perhaps you are right about weed, and we are all wrong, and maybe her deciding she's done has nothing to do with weed, or had something to do with it, but the way you go about arguing your points, the set ways you have in some of the things you believe in frankly is tiring, and at some point, people will just shut off and keep quiet about it. I'm sure she's picked up on this, weighed everything and decided if this is something she can live with for the rest of her life. Like another poster mentioned above, when someone breaks off an engagement, it's usually because of deal-breakers like cheating, or they cannot see a future with. Chances are, she cannot see a future in this relationship.

Edited November 25, 2019 by assertives

[Coup La-La]

Maybe that's the case, but if she has already seen you high regularly in the past, there will always be this nagging feeling at the back of the mind that braces her for the next time she sees you high again.

 

She doesn't know the difference, there have been plenty of times when I saw her after taking a shower, and she said "I'm glad you didn't smoke today". As I mentioned earlier, without the smell she's completely oblivious. And if she had any intuition, she wouldn't have waited 6 months to act on it.

 

To her, you were someone who literally champions for weed, she knows she cannot realistically expect you to stay away for "till death do us part" since you guys were engaged to marry, and weed probably was a deal-breaker for her. You may likely think that is a dumb deal-breaker given how you've come across in your posts, but deal-breakers don't need to make sense. Just like how someone may choose not to date divorced people, or people who have tattoos/short/long hair, etc.

As I mentioned, this wasn't about weed. She complimented me on not smoking when she broke it off.

 

And considering all the positive attributes of weed, everyone should be a champion of it. i.e. She raises money for non-profits the raise awareness of domestic violence....every state that has legalized weed has seen a steep decline in domestic violence. That would be like an evangelical getting angry about people watching 7th Heaven.

 

 

You are quite argumentative and dismissive in your posts both in this and your previous thread. Are you like this too in real life? I get disagreeing with what others say, and counter arguments, but the way you argue your pet subject on weed does seem to make you come across as holier than thou, know better than the rest of you in your posts. It gets tiring fast. I remember reading your earlier thread and you were just as dismissive and argumentative about weed, and her stance on it. You even said why should you be respecting her stance on weed as it's based on ignorance and selfishness. I wouldn't be too surprised if your high-handedness ate away at her feelings for you. I remember thinking to myself then that this relationship isn't going to last and here we are today.

 

Nobody has explains the double standard yet. Why am I "holier than thou" for talking about specific facts, but she's humble, even though she acts as though she's the expert and everyone who's actually researched it is crazy???

 

And as far as argument go: This was the only thing we ever argued about. And I made my case a lot more nuanced and loving than it comes across on this thread, speaking via internet board obviously losses a lot of communication, tone, body language, fewer words than speaking in person.

 

And I went through a lot of turmoil over some lies from the 1930's, most people would be hurt and infuriated by that. When people get on TV and say "call this 1-900 number and we'll tell you you're future" most people dismiss that, because it's not based on fact, how is this any different? I made a conscious effort not to convey that I don't care about her, or that she was exaggerating how she felt.

 

Perhaps you are right about weed, and we are all wrong, and maybe her deciding she's done has nothing to do with weed, or had something to do with it, but the way you go about arguing your points, the set ways you have in some of the things you believe in frankly is tiring, and at some point, people will just shut off and keep quiet about it. I'm sure she's picked up on this, weighed everything and decided if this is something she can live with for the rest of her life. Like another poster mentioned above, when someone breaks off an engagement, it's usually because of deal-breakers like cheating, or they cannot see a future with. Chances are, she cannot see a future in this relationship.

 

This is not about weed, if it were she would've said so and just said "I don't want to argue about it". I don't get why I have to keep repeating that.

[Coup La-La]

Let me say this again: THIS WAS NOT ABOUT WEED I really don't understand why I have to keep repeating that.

 

This thread is supposed to be about the depression and despair I feel. How I have very little reason to believe I will ever date a woman of her caliber again. How I've lost my zeal for anything. Even when the woman in the office next to ours proposed sex to me on Thursday, I just said "nope I'm busy" and she's a very attractive woman ---> because sex with other women doesn't even hold appeal anymore.

 

This thread is about how I can't even escape when I'm asleep, I have dreams of her every night. How I don't pick up my phone when my family calls because I know they'll ask me about her. How I have to run to the bathroom at work 2 or 3x a day so I can go cry in the stall.

 

This thread is about me spending the rest of my life wondering "what if I had gone with her". About how even if I do have children, I question if the will be the good looking intelligent children I know she and I would've had together.

 

I've had breakups before, but I've always felt "this is sad, but something better is coming" now it's like I've had my Rolls Royce repossessed, even a brand new BMW is garbage in comparison. How do you follow up on near perfection? How do you move on from the woman you've waited you whole life for?

 

I don't want to leave the house, eat, sleep more than a couple of hours. I don't want to talk to my family or go on social media (my FB stalkers have noticed I've been missing). I just want her back

[basil67]

You know how she didn't give you a reason why she fell out of love? It's likely she doesn't know herself. Only time, perspective and future experiences will help her figure it out.

[assertives]

She doesn't know the difference, there have been plenty of times when I saw her after taking a shower, and she said "I'm glad you didn't smoke today". As I mentioned earlier, without the smell she's completely oblivious. And if she had any intuition, she wouldn't have waited 6 months to act on it.

 

As I mentioned, this wasn't about weed. She complimented me on not smoking when she broke it off.

 

You are completely missing my point on this. What I'm saying is, yes, she believes you are not smoking or even injesting weed. But she likely knows it's not realistic of her to expect you to stay away from it for the rest of your lives given how passionate you are about weed and how stong your stance was/is that it led to quarrels in the past. Also, the fact that you keep reiterating how she's complimented you on not smoking when breaking off, and leaving comments on your social media about how she's glad you aren't smoking says ALOT about how much focus and headspace it occupies in her mind wrt you smoking weed, and likely how much she'll still mind if her partner smokes weed whether that person is you or someone else in her future.

 

By the way, all that being said above, was just to clarify my points in my earlier post, and I'm not insinuating or insisting that this is about weed. Though you felt blindsided by this, the writing was already on the wall for alot of us posters just by going off on your threads here, weed or otherwise.

 

I personally think there are compounding factors which she likely only started giving more thought/weight and consideration when the relationship was moving towards marriage territory and decided this is not a future she wants. I'm sorry you are hurting, but the only thing that really helps is time and perhaps therapy to help you navigate some of your feelings in this.

[Zinging]

Just caught up on your thread...

You seem to have a very analytical mind... and so, I think you apply how important she has been to you and what she brings to you via comparison-scales... almost like you have a chart in your head... I must admit, that as an empath and a romantic, it was difficult for me to envision it all till I came across this post of yours...

 

 

This thread is supposed to be about the depression and despair I feel. I've lost my zeal for anything. Sex with other women doesn't even hold appeal anymore.

 

This thread is about how I can't even escape when I'm asleep, I have dreams of her every night. How I don't pick up my phone when my family calls because I know they'll ask me about her. How I have to run to the bathroom at work 2 or 3x a day so I can go cry in the stall.

 

This thread is about me spending the rest of my life wondering "what if I had gone with her". About how even if I do have children, I question if the will be the good looking intelligent children I know she and I would've had together.

I don't want to leave the house, eat, sleep more than a couple of hours. I don't want to talk to my family or go on social media (my FB stalkers have noticed I've been missing). I just want her back

 

 

These lines make you seem vulnerable (and apologies that it's not the most magnanimous thing to say), but very 'human'.

 

As someone who knew (almost) what she was getting into, I'm wondering if your girlfriend has sort-of lost feelings for you - not as much because of the weed per se - but, because she sees you valuing your habits/preferences more than you value her. Apologies, don't mean to hurt you - but, from your posts, I glean a stubbornness, an arrogance, and a pride in your nature. For some of us fickler humans, it could be what makes a woman love you and hate you at the same time! In a strange way, this can cause a push-pull dynamic. Is that why she keeps returning back to you? (As do the many other women, you claim that do?)

 

If so, how are you so certain that she wouldn't return to you? And that this is final? You have mentioned her returning to you shortly after every break-up, as have several other women you've been with, in the past?

 

Ok... back to the advice you've asked for -

 

As for despair, (it must annoy the living hell out of you to hear this be said over and over), but it is said so often because there really is no other substitute as effective for getting over a breakup - and that is, time. In the meanwhile, what you can do is take care of yourself.

NC

Try and eat healthy.

Exercise till you're exhausted.

Amp up on the distraction.

Let yourself cry - helps release stress.

Music, Nature & Pets (if you are into it).

Feel-good audio podcasts, hypnosis, meditation.

Social work/helping others (even if you're approaching it from a selfish angle, the high you get from the 'power trip' of helping another can help in the interim.)

You say she ticked 16/17. Keep reminding yourself of the small number of aspects you didn't get along on, apart from the weed.

 

There's something a little more extreme called a shock-therapy. It might seem cruel, but those desperately in limerance who can see no way out, claim it works - to an extent. After you've allowed ample time to grieve the loss of this relationship in a healthy way, anytime you seek to go searching/reminisce about her in an unhealthy fashion, subject yourself to something you find unpleasant. E.g. bite on chilli, snap your wrist hard with a rubber band, stub your toe (a bit ). It soon becomes a Pavlovian response of sort where your mind alters its brain chemicals into seeing this limerance as unhealthy to the body's well-being. Of course, you need not resort to this if you find yourself getting to a healthy place through the natural process of grieving. [i hazard a guess that it wouldn't work on masochists though.]

 

Healing is not linear. Several instances, it'd be 2 steps forth, 1 step back. But as the months roll by, you'll realise that you're probably feeling 5% better in August 2020 than you were in June/July 2020. Till the pain recedes from sharp and piercing to dull and aching etc...

 

I wish you good health, and hope that bugger-of-a-tumour shrinks away into nothingness!

[Coup La-La]

You know how she didn't give you a reason why she fell out of love? It's likely she doesn't know herself. Only time, perspective and future experiences will help her figure it out.

 

Fair enough

 

 

Just caught up on your thread...

You seem to have a very analytical mind... and so, I think you apply how important she has been to you and what she brings to you via comparison-scales... almost like you have a chart in your head... I must admit, that as an empath and a romantic, it was difficult for me to envision it all till I came across this post of yours...

 

 

 

 

These lines make you seem vulnerable (and apologies that it's not the most magnanimous thing to say), but very 'human'.

 

As someone who knew (almost) what she was getting into, I'm wondering if your girlfriend has sort-of lost feelings for you - not as much because of the weed per se - but, because she sees you valuing your habits/preferences more than you value her. Apologies, don't mean to hurt you - but, from your posts, I glean a stubbornness, an arrogance, and a pride in your nature. For some of us fickler humans, it could be what makes a woman love you and hate you at the same time! In a strange way, this can cause a push-pull dynamic. Is that why she keeps returning back to you? (As do the many other women, you claim that do?)

 

 

If so, how are you so certain that she wouldn't return to you? And that this is final? You have mentioned her returning to you shortly after every break-up, as have several other women you've been with, in the past?

 

You know you're right, she does always come, She has walk out before, but never said "I don't love you anymore"

 

But on the other hand, she's been all over my social media, even more so than when we were together. I honestly don't know if she will come back, she walked out on one of her ex bfs that she was dating 2x as long as me (and he not only didn't smoke weed, but he had more money than I do also)

 

 

Ok... back to the advice you've asked for -

 

As for despair, (it must annoy the living hell out of you to hear this be said over and over), but it is said so often because there really is no other substitute as effective for getting over a breakup - and that is, time. In the meanwhile, what you can do is take care of yourself.

NC

Try and eat healthy.

Exercise till you're exhausted.

Amp up on the distraction.

Let yourself cry - helps release stress.

Music, Nature & Pets (if you are into it).

Feel-good audio podcasts, hypnosis, meditation.

Social work/helping others (even if you're approaching it from a selfish angle, the high you get from the 'power trip' of helping another can help in the interim.)

You say she ticked 16/17. Keep reminding yourself of the small number of aspects you didn't get along on, apart from the weed.

 

There's something a little more extreme called a shock-therapy. It might seem cruel, but those desperately in limerance who can see no way out, claim it works - to an extent. After you've allowed ample time to grieve the loss of this relationship in a healthy way, anytime you seek to go searching/reminisce about her in an unhealthy fashion, subject yourself to something you find unpleasant. E.g. bite on chilli, snap your wrist hard with a rubber band, stub your toe (a bit ). It soon becomes a Pavlovian response of sort where your mind alters its brain chemicals into seeing this limerance as unhealthy to the body's well-being. Of course, you need not resort to this if you find yourself getting to a healthy place through the natural process of grieving. [i hazard a guess that it wouldn't work on masochists though.]

 

Healing is not linear. Several instances, it'd be 2 steps forth, 1 step back. But as the months roll by, you'll realise that you're probably feeling 5% better in August 2020 than you were in June/July 2020. Till the pain recedes from sharp and piercing to dull and aching etc...

 

I wish you good health, and hope that bugger-of-a-tumour shrinks away into nothingness!

 

Thanks for the practical advise, I appreciate it

 

P.S. I already had the tumor removed, I'm 95% recovered now, thanks for asking about it

[rjc149]

I'm sorry to hear about your loss, and your ongoing health issues OP.

 

However, there are numerous anti-nausea medications prescribed to chemo patients etc. that are not psychoactive. You are also vehemently defending marijuana and marijuana use, delivering all the familiar 420-culture superlatives claiming it's a cure-all for society's ills. So let's call a spade a spade here. You like weed.

 

Whether or not your drug use contributed to her falling out of love, I do know from my own life experience that habitual cannabis use (whether smoked or eaten) makes people lazy, unmotivated, unproductive, unsociable, unambitious, dull, and mainly interested in getting high.

 

For a college kid taking bong rips in his dorm with his roommate and skipping class to play Xbox all afternoon, par for the course as far as I'm concerned. But a grown man in his late 30's, this type of sh-t is *really* not hot to the overwhelming majority of women. Unless you are a functioning at a very high level in your career and in life (and you very well may be, I don't know you), most women fall out of love with a stoned bleary-eyed couch potato in his 30's watching cartoons all day. Regardless of its medical merit.

Edited November 26, 2019 by rjc149

[Highndry]

I'm sorry to hear about your loss, and your ongoing health issues OP.

 

However, there are numerous anti-nausea medications prescribed to chemo patients etc. that are not psychoactive. You are also vehemently defending marijuana and marijuana use, delivering all the familiar 420-culture superlatives claiming it's a cure-all for society's ills. So let's call a spade a spade here. You like weed.

 

Whether or not your drug use contributed to her falling out of love, I do know from my own life experience that habitual cannabis use (whether smoked or eaten) makes people lazy, unmotivated, unproductive, unsociable, unambitious, dull, and mainly interested in getting high.

 

For a college kid taking bong rips in his dorm with his roommate and skipping class to play Xbox all afternoon, par for the course as far as I'm concerned. But a grown man in his late 30's, this type of sh-t is *really* not hot to the overwhelming majority of women. Unless you are a functioning at a very high level in your career and in life (and you very well may be, I don't know you), most women fall out of love with a stoned bleary-eyed couch potato in his 30's watching cartoons all day. Regardless of its medical merit.

 

 

I wish I could give this post a million likes. Not only did I love it and laugh out loud, it is one of the most truthful that I've ever seen.

[Coup La-La]

I'm sorry to hear about your loss, and your ongoing health issues OP.

 

However, there are numerous anti-nausea medications prescribed to chemo patients etc. that are not psychoactive. You are also vehemently defending marijuana and marijuana use, delivering all the familiar 420-culture superlatives claiming it's a cure-all for society's ills. So let's call a spade a spade here. You like weed.

 

Whether or not your drug use contributed to her falling out of love, I do know from my own life experience that habitual cannabis use (whether smoked or eaten) makes people lazy, unmotivated, unproductive, unsociable, unambitious, dull, and mainly interested in getting high.

 

For a college kid taking bong rips in his dorm with his roommate and skipping class to play Xbox all afternoon, par for the course as far as I'm concerned. But a grown man in his late 30's, this type of sh-t is *really* not hot to the overwhelming majority of women. Unless you are a functioning at a very high level in your career and in life (and you very well may be, I don't know you), most women fall out of love with a stoned bleary-eyed couch potato in his 30's watching cartoons all day. Regardless of its medical merit.

 

Like I said, I've run the gambit of nausea medications and only 1 really helps me. And it makes me tired enough to sleep 12-14 hours.

 

Yes, I am a functional adult. Not only do I have a 60 hour+ / week job, but I also have a startup on the side. Even when I was smoking, I usually only smoked once a day, far away from her, while she was asleep.

 

I'm no couch potato, she and I traveled to different regions and different countries. Trying new bars, restaurants, comedy clubs.

 

Marijuana consumption attracts people of all different walks of life, personalities, regions ect. My boss smokes so much he would make Cheech and Chong say "damn", but he was a self made millionaire by 27. My cousin the Ivy league medical school professor takes bong rips several times a day. I also know so people who smoke who live with their parents, playing GTA all day. Some who say "as long as I make enough to pay my bills and buy this weed, I'm good, no need to go beyond that". ---> Just like we don't say "people who use AZT are like....." we shouldn't do that with weed either.

 

But most importantly: Thank you for your condolences. I never thought losing someone would be this painful, even when I buried my grandfather I didn't cry this much.

[TheFinalWord]

Geez, talk about kicking a guy when he's down. Some of the posters here are ruthless!

 

I'm sorry to hear this man. What a blow!

 

I think your boss is on the right track. What you want to do is to just hide away in doors. What I do is really feel the break-up to get it out of my system. There are the stages of grief and I want to get through the depression part as quickly as possible. Especially since she acts like "meh" sitting around moping over a girl that doesn't love me is not something I want to waste a lot of time doing. So, I just give into the depression for three days. I give myself three days to lay around, listen to the love songs, cry it out. Then, that's it.

 

I begin moving on with my life. Plan a vacation. The reason I say that is it's nice to have something fun in the future to plan for. Plan to do all the things you've always wanted to do, but weren't able to, due to being in a relationship. Get in the gym or do something physical. It sounds cliche, but when we are stressed, residual cortisol (stress hormone) just sits in your blood stream. Exercise can burn off the excess stress hormone, as well as raise dopamine.

 

Keep moving and don't allow yourself to dwell. Sleeping will be hard for a while, as will eating. But the key is to keep moving. When I went through a break up, anytime I felt my thoughts dwelling on her, I would take a walk.

 

Another big thing you will want to do at some point is forgive yourself. A lot of times we men take the blame for the break up. Our society loves to push that narrative too, as you can see from some of the posts there. It's always the man's fault. But you must forgive yourself for any mistakes you've made, and do so knowing it takes two people and she made mistakes too.

 

You might get closure from her, you might not. I wouldn't go seeking it because it isn't going to change anything at this point. Some relationships just run their course. Likely, she doesn't even know why. All she'll do is rattle off a list of things you did wrong at best. But it won't change anything. Time and space are the only possibility she might discover she does love you afterall. But I always reference the break up that it is over forever and proceed as such. I think no contact is best for the time being.

Edited November 27, 2019 by TheFinalWord

[Coup La-La]

Geez, talk about kicking a guy when he's down. Some of the posters here are ruthless!

 

I'm sorry to hear this man. What a blow!

 

I think your boss is on the right track. What you want to do is to just hide away in doors. What I do is really feel the break-up to get it out of my system. There are the stages of grief and I want to get through the depression part as quickly as possible. Especially since she acts like "meh" sitting around moping over a girl that doesn't love me is not something I want to waste a lot of time doing. So, I just give into the depression for three days. I give myself three days to lay around, listen to the love songs, cry it out. Then, that's it.

 

I begin moving on with my life. Plan a vacation. The reason I say that is it's nice to have something fun in the future to plan for. Plan to do all the things you've always wanted to do, but weren't able to, due to being in a relationship. Get in the gym or do something physical. It sounds cliche, but when we are stressed, residual cortisol (stress hormone) just sits in your blood stream. Exercise can burn off the excess stress hormone, as well as raise dopamine.

 

Keep moving and don't allow yourself to dwell. Sleeping will be hard for a while, as will eating. But the key is to keep moving. When I went through a break up, anytime I felt my thoughts dwelling on her, I would take a walk.

 

Another big thing you will want to do at some point is forgive yourself. A lot of times we men take the blame for the break up. Our society loves to push that narrative too, as you can see from some of the posts there. It's always the man's fault. But you must forgive yourself for any mistakes you've made, and do so knowing it takes two people and she made mistakes too.

 

You might get closure from her, you might not. I wouldn't go seeking it because it isn't going to change anything at this point. Some relationships just run their course. Likely, she doesn't even know why. All she'll do is rattle off a list of things you did wrong at best. But it won't change anything. Time and space are the only possibility she might discover she does love you afterall. But I always reference the break up that it is over forever and proceed as such. I think no contact is best for the time being.

 

Actually I did go on vacation, while there I slept with a woman that I met there. I could only climax when I called her my exes name and imagined my ex (luckily the TV was loud, so she couldn't hear it).

 

That's why I haven't smoked or eaten any edibles since the breakup, the nausea is a distraction, it's something else to think about besides how my best days are behind me.

 

I got a bonus check from work this week, a month ago I would've been ecstatic, but now I don't even care to open the envelope. So much of what I've been doing for the past year has been in anticipation of getting married, now it's all gone. I'm tempted to just give the money to a homeless person.

 

She's always come back before, like a boomerang, but it feels different this time. My dreams are all of death and depression, and she's used language she's never used before (both literally and figuratively, because she doesn't speak English)

[rjc149]

I think my overall suggestion would be to quit weed and commit to non-psychoactive remedies for your nausea and sleep problems. For me, quitting cigarettes and weed in my 20s were likely the two best moves I made in my life. Every aspect of my life — my health and appearance, my living situation, my career and income, and my social skills and ability to attract women — all improved dramatically. I’m not some ultra-conservative anti-drug Mormon over here. As for all the high-achieving daily weed smokers you know (I work in an investment sales firm in NYC, lots of high-flyers here, no potheads), well, a broken clock tells the correct time twice a day. Winston Churchill got drunk every morning.

 

I highly, highly recommend you kick the ganja. I personally believe it’s medical merit for younger people like you is quasi-BS and confirmation bias by cannabis-lovers (I’ll humor your disapproval of the term “pothead”). You’re not 65 with terminal stomach cancer dude. For men, ages 30-50 is where you’re supposed to be a lion, making your stake in life and slaying the dragon. Once you retire and have the time to relax and enjoy yourself, pick it up again.

 

I’m not trying to preach, and sorry if it comes off like that. I just believe, firmly, that your life will improve when your daily cannabis use stops. If you want to revisit this relationship with real, positive personal growth, weed is target number 1. But it sounds like it’s an ingrained aspect of your life, and cannabis cessation is not suggestion you’re willing to consider. Aside from kicking a habit that makes you unattractive to the majority of adult women, and was more than likely a major contributing factor to the demise of your relationship from what you’ve written and my own deduction, I have no further advice. I do truly wish you well and hope you get your health issues taken care of.

Edited November 27, 2019 by rjc149

[Coup La-La]

And TBH I'm starting to get the urge to hurt myself. This is making me consider how pathetic this all is. MOST of my friends are married and have children (even the ones that smoke weed, and are married to people who don't).

 

A good friend of mine is getting married in 2 weeks, and has stressed about how important it is for her that I be there, it's a small wedding and I will be the only person there unattached. Even her 15 year old brother has a GF.

 

I recently found a note that a friend of mine passed me in class when we were in high school, "you'll still be single when I'm married and have a family", we were only 17 at the time, but his prediction being so accurate is indicative of how plain as day it was that this would be my fate.

 

Sophocles said "It would be best if we had never been born", today I can see how right he was. Because helping so many other people throughout my life, being a dedicated friend to my peers, being the best employee at every job I've ever had has done nothing to make my life less pathetic. Even a $2,500 bonus check feel empty.

 

Earlier this year I had a massive tumor removed, the Dr. warned me that there was a chance that I could die during the surgery, now I wish I had, at least the last words I would've head would've been "My darling I love you", it's better to leave on a high note.

 

Add to that, I have a very small family, when my parents and maternal grand parents die I'm going to be all alone. After then if I died in my home by myself nobody would notice.

[Yosemite]

OP, how old is your ex and how old are you?

 

Why are you convinced that this break up is for good when you two break up every few months?

 

Why have you quit marijuana now that you've broken up when all she ever wanted from you for your entire relationship was for you to quit and you absolutely refused to do so? Why couldn't you do that when you were in the relationship with her? Seems a bit petulant like, "I'm going to do weed just because you told me not to to prove that you can't control me!"

 

Regarding your brain tumor, maybe she was staying with you until after your surgery and now that you're better she's left. It's very common for a serious illness to end a bf/gf relationship. Or she thought that once you had the surgery you would be cured and would no longer need weed. She could've been very disappointed that after the surgery you used weed just as much as before. And the fact that even after the surgery you were still reliant on weed does make you look very much addicted.

 

You're convinced that she didn't know about your edibles, but she could've found them in your house, your clothes or your car. They could've fallen out of your pocket somewhere or she found some other evidence somewhere else. She could've seen something on your phone or computer or some receipt, prescription, or packaging in the trash. Then she would've known that you were lying to her and that your addiction is as strong as ever. Not many people can handle being with an addict and all their lies and justifications...how are you behaving any differently than a functioning alcoholic?

 

You should make sure your next gf smokes weed because you feel so strongly about it remaining a part of your life and most people who don't use weed will have a problem with your habit.

 

She'll probably be back in a few weeks anyway since that's the pattern for the two of you...but will she ever marry you? Maybe yes, maybe no. I guess it depends on how strongly she feels about raising children with a man who uses weed constantly. Most people wouldn't be OK with their spouse modeling that behavior to their children.

 

As far as how you're feeling now, just take it a day at a time and try to remember how you're feeling right now when you start being stubborn in your next relationship. Think to yourself is what I'm arguing about really worth losing the relationship for? Since you quit weed after the breakup, I would guess that in this case the answer is no.

 

 

I recently found a note that a friend of mine passed me in class when we were in high school, "you'll still be single when I'm married and have a family", we were only 17 at the time, but his prediction being so accurate is indicative of how plain as day it was that this would be my fate.

 

Did you ask him then or now why he said that? Teenage boys aren't known for being introspective so the fact that he made that observation when you were 17 and it's come true indicates that you have a pretty big blind spot about yourself that must be very apparent to others. Maybe ask him or another close friend about why someone would say that about you.

[Zinging]

You've had sex - the singular most intimate activity in a relationship - to get over someone you love. How does that work? You are not going through a getting back at a vindictive-ex phase. You are truly mourning the loss of love.

Making fresh memories will work when you've largely gotten over an old flame, not when you are in the thick of relationship woes.

 

Instead, indulge in activities that had nothing to do with your ex. If you were beachers, take a hiking vacation. Learn something new. Hang out with people that don't remind you of her.

Not in the mood for any of it? Watch TV that you didn't watch together. Eat differently. Dress differently.

 

And why are you worried about other friends getting married?

For someone who appears to have a very Bohemian manner of thinking, this sounds strange. You don't conform to what society thinks of weed smoking, which you can actually control. Why affect your mental health with societal standards that you can't even control?

[Zinging]

my best days are behind me.

Has said every man or woman who's felt the pangs of being separated from someone they loved. And then a few years later, have gone on to find someone else too...

 

Allow yourself to grieve the loss of this relationship.

 

Then, in time... you might

 

Actually find someone who ticks 17/17

 

Accept that ticking 16/17 boxes means little when the 17th factor can be such a decisive one.

 

Wisen up to look past all of the box-tally keeping stages, and have fallen deeply in love with someone who's only a 14/17... since you've come to realise that apart from deal-breakers, relationship checklists can only be blurry markers of two personalities meshing with each other, and not hard lines.

[rjc149]

It's not a "confirmation bias", I was 100% AGAINST weed before I read about it for more than a year.

 

Well, now you're pretty vitriolically FOR it. Weed, and your love for it, features very prominently in your threads and posts.

 

As far as high achieving marijuana smokers go: Go to wall st, you can't throw a quarter in any direction without hitting someone that burns. Go to one of the bathrooms on the Goldman-Sachs trading floor, you'll think you were in Amsterdam.

 

Lol I think you watch too many movies. And I doubt you've ever been on the NYSE floor or in Goldman-Sach's Manhattan offices. Obviously there is drug and alcohol abuse going on in these industries. I've witnessed it. I've partaken myself. But telling me that an investment bank full of Wharton MBA's is a hippy ganja camp, in an effort to excuse your own dependency on intoxicating substance, makes it very difficult to take you, or anything you say, seriously. Because this statement is total, complete bullsh-t.

 

 

But as I said before: THIS IS NOT ABOUT WEED,

 

...but it seems a lot like it is.

 

And TBH I'm starting to get the urge to hurt myself.

 

And you're trying to defend your routine cannabis use, a mind-altering intoxicant, as totally harmless? Don't you realize that sh-t messes with your brain chemistry, your mood, your emotional state? Especially when you're high all day every day?

[Tristian]

Folks, after looking at the comments I'm going to ask that we keep the replies relevant to aiding the OP with the break up.

 

 

Those wishing to discuss the benefits or consequences of marijuana in general (including the OP) should do so in a more appropriate forum.

[rjc149]

I believed the OP quitting weed, at least for the time being, and being in his right mind will help with his feelings of anxiety and despair, and allow him clearer hindsight at the relationship. There is a histrionic undertone to a lot of his posts which may provide some clues as to why she eventually lost attraction.

[Coup La-La]

OP, how old is your ex and how old are you?

 

Why are you convinced that this break up is for good when you two break up every few months?

 

I'm 38 and she's gonna be 40 in 2 months, we're no spring chickens. you're right we have split up and gotten back together multiple times, what makes this different is that it was 3 days before we were supposed to take a vacation to Europe, that I has spent $1000s on.

 

 

She'll probably be back in a few weeks anyway since that's the pattern for the two of you...but will she ever marry you? Maybe yes, maybe no. I guess it depends on how strongly she feels about raising children with a man who uses weed constantly. Most people wouldn't be OK with their spouse modeling that behavior to their children.

 

As far as how you're feeling now, just take it a day at a time and try to remember how you're feeling right now when you start being stubborn in your next relationship. Think to yourself is what I'm arguing about really worth losing the relationship for? Since you quit weed after the breakup, I would guess that in this case the answer is no.

 

 

Did you ask him then or now why he said that? Teenage boys aren't known for being introspective so the fact that he made that observation when you were 17 and it's come true indicates that you have a pretty big blind spot about yourself that must be very apparent to others. Maybe ask him or another close friend about why someone would say that about you.

 

I asked my friend about it, he has no recollection whatsoever

Edited November 30, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
off topic

[Coup La-La]

You've had sex - the singular most intimate activity in a relationship - to get over someone you love. How does that work? You are not going through a getting back at a vindictive-ex phase. You are truly mourning the loss of love.

Making fresh memories will work when you've largely gotten over an old flame, not when you are in the thick of relationship woes.

 

That's a fair point, I really can't argue with that

 

Instead, indulge in activities that had nothing to do with your ex. If you were beachers, take a hiking vacation. Learn something new. Hang out with people that don't remind you of her.

Not in the mood for any of it? Watch TV that you didn't watch together. Eat differently. Dress differently.

 

And why are you worried about other friends getting married?

For someone who appears to have a very Bohemian manner of thinking, this sounds strange. You don't conform to what society thinks of weed smoking, which you can actually control. Why affect your mental health with societal standards that you can't even control?

 

A few things

1. I grew up in a very competitive environment, were I'm from we call 2nd place "1st to lose"

2. Because some of my friends who got married and are starting families were bachelors for life, warning other friends not to get married and "surrender", whereas I always knew that I wanted a wife and children. I've been surpassed by people who didn't even come to the track to race

3. I feel like a failure. Not only because I have to sit at the singles table at weddings, but because when I close my eyes and open them again I will be 40. Just about all of the friends, family, exes, co-workers I've had who have started from scratch at this age have settled. ---> 2 of my exes are single mothers now, getting pregnant with men who they knew they couldn't depend on out of desperation.

 

 

Has said every man or woman who's felt the pangs of being separated from someone they loved. And then a few years later, have gone on to find someone else too...

 

Allow yourself to grieve the loss of this relationship.

 

Then, in time... you might

 

Actually find someone who ticks 17/17

 

Accept that ticking 16/17 boxes means little when the 17th factor can be such a decisive one.

 

Wisen up to look past all of the box-tally keeping stages, and have fallen deeply in love with someone who's only a 14/17... since you've come to realise that apart from deal-breakers, relationship checklists can only be blurry markers of two personalities meshing with each other, and not hard lines.

 

I understand what you mean, but I think I might have given people the wrong impression, it's not just based on check boxes or abstract qualities, like buying a car, it's the way I feel around her, after we had our 1st conversation I knew I wanted to marry her, I told all my friends, and cut off all of my friends with benefits.

 

Could there be someone else of equal caliber to her, that is single and open to a relationship with me? maybe, but the odds are not in my favor. Opportunity usually only comes once in a lifetime, I have regrets in my life, but I never thought this would be one of them.

[TheFinalWord]

I feel like a failure. Not only because I have to sit at the singles table at weddings, but because when I close my eyes and open them again I will be 40. Just about all of the friends, family, exes, co-workers I've had who have started from scratch at this age have settled. ---> 2 of my exes are single mothers now, getting pregnant with men who they knew they couldn't depend on out of desperation.

 

It's tough bro, I hear you. The problem is the traditional family model isn't pushed any more. Single motherhood and divorce are financed by the state.

 

But if you think about it, these desperate women you mention are selfish. I don't care what anyone says, raising kids in a broken home puts them at a disadvantage. It's half the reason our society is in the hole it's in.

 

The good news is, a lot of younger women that want a family and more traditional values are open to dating older men. You have to have your life in order though, especially your finances. Women seek provisions in men, the way men seek beauty in women. Both are superficial, but they're programmed into us. Older men have an advantage because by the time you're 40 you have a good income and assets to your name. Use that to your advantage. Don't waste time doing pump and dump. Seek out women that know they want a family. Put your cards on the table and see if they are open to it.