GF doesn't like Marijuana (update: She's gone for good)

[Coup La-La]

I'm sure some of you have seen my posts here in the past about my fiancé (ex-fiancé) and her complaining about marijuana. Well it's over for good now, and she admitted that it was never about marijuana, she was just using that as an excuse. Apparently she's still in love with her ex boyfriend [they broke up 12 years before she and I ever met, he's long since married, had kids and moved to another country]. According to her since she and her ex broke up (17 years ago) she dates men for a while, determines that they're not up to his level, gets bored and moves on. She dated me for years and accepted my marriage proposal because I'm the closest to him she's ever met. 

According to her, to sum up the difference between me and him:

I have more money, and gave her better sex,  but he's Catholic, does charity work in Africa, and speaks 4 languages (it should be noted that I speak 2 languages, and I currently studying my 3rd) 

I can't say I've ever felt this angry, hurt, and level of self pity ever before. I've gone to therapy, I've earned more money in the past month than in the past 5 years, I've travelled, I've slept with other women, NOTHING makes me feel better. One female friend that I thought had put me in the "friend zone" in college called me yesterday, "I'm still head over heels for you, say the word and I'll break off my engagement right now" --> I just responded "you've had a long day, you should get some rest" 

If all these things don't help, I don't see what else would. I don't think I've ever felt this lost and alone. She's the closest thing to perfect you will ever get. Like in the Godfather "I don't know what to do..." 

[glows]

But you do know what to do.

Shut down any communication with her going forward (she's an ex, not a friend) and start moving on mentally and emotionally. This does not mean have sex with the nearest available attractive woman. Get right in your head before you start bringing anyone else into your life.

The last thing you want to become is her. I'm sorry you were with someone like this who compared you to her ex. 

 

[KDav40]

Never accept being someone’s 2nd choice. Stop all communication with her and start the healing process. Sleeping with other women will not make you feel better it just makes the overall situation worse. 

[Coup La-La]

5 minutes ago, glows said:

Shut down any communication with her going forward (she's an ex, not a friend) and start moving on mentally and emotionally. This does not mean have sex with the nearest available attractive woman. Get right in your head before you start bringing anyone else into your life.

The last thing you want to become is her. I'm sorry you were with someone like this who compared you to her ex. 

 

My ex promised me the moon, and sometimes even woke me up while I was napping just to tell me she loved me. I never promise women anything I don't mean, and I especially don't tell them I love them if I'm not 100% sincere, that's cruel. 

 

I haven't spoken to her, in any way, but I don't know what else to do to move on. If traveling to other countries, sleeping with pretty women, and going to therapy 2x a week doesn't help, what will?

[glows]

1 minute ago, Coup La-La said:

My ex promised me the moon, and sometimes even woke me up while I was napping just to tell me she loved me. I never promise women anything I don't mean, and I especially don't tell them I love them if I'm not 100% sincere, that's cruel. 

 

I haven't spoken to her, in any way, but I don't know what else to do to move on. If traveling to other countries, sleeping with pretty women, and going to therapy 2x a week doesn't help, what will?

Give it more time and focus on other areas of life. You seem disinterested in your work or bored with it. Is that the case? I get it - not everyone enjoys their job. Mine kept me on the ball. I was in a mini vegetative state after separating so sometimes nothing is needed but time. Anxious thoughts like not being able to find someone better than the mess you knew sometimes takes over but it passes. Give yourself time to heal. Heaping on more issues and drama and superficial relationships is a good distraction but it doesn't really add to your life overall or your wellbeing. Eventually when the haze passes you'll find yourself a bit more interested in your own hobbies and activities. 

[ExpatInItaly]

1 hour ago, Coup La-La said:

She's the closest thing to perfect you will ever get.

Acutally, she's not. 

Not if she's still pining after a boyfriend from over a decade ago and dating others to fill that void. She's got issues if that is true. I would bet any money she's been in contact with him lately, which is probably the trigger point at which she wanted out. 

If she were near-perfect she wouldn't be stuck in the past. 

[Coup La-La]

14 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Acutally, she's not. 

Not if she's still pining after a boyfriend from over a decade ago and dating others to fill that void. She's got issues if that is true. I would bet any money she's been in contact with him lately, which is probably the trigger point at which she wanted out. 

If she were near-perfect she wouldn't be stuck in the past. 

To explain further, she's not perfect, but the closest thing to in. She and I never argue, we never had any jealousy problems, we had phenomenal sex [2-4 times a day], our families loved each other [her dad used to pull me aside to say "I'm so glad my daughter is with you, I can't wait until you 2 are married"]. Essentially the complete opposite of almost every other woman I've ever been in a monogamous relationship with, or any other woman that even expressed desire to have relationship with me  , we had the same values, and goals in life. I don't say that for the sake of contradiction, I say that to put words to, to fully explain how I'm feeling

The last day we were together I woke up and couldn't breathe because she was cuddling me so hard, had sex 3x, and later when I was on the phone with my mother she snatched the phone from my hand so she could talk to my mother and tell her "I'm so glad that your son is here with me, he speaks to his grandma every day, I love him" ---> 12 hours later "I'm moving out of our home and leaving you here alone, GOODBYE" 

Although I can say that I have no reason to believe that she's been in contact with her ex, since day 1 she's encouraged me to go through here phone and social media when I want, and I've never seen anything to make me believe she was speaking to any other man. Obviously nobody knows anybody else 100%, not even identical twins, but from what I've witnessed I don't have cause to think that way. 

[ExpatInItaly]

2 hours ago, Coup La-La said:

she's not perfect, but the closest thing to in.

Yes, I understood that from your first post. 

However, I still disagree. Close to perfect would not lead you to think everything was amazing until 12 hours before she left you high and dry. Close to perfect would communicated concerns and tried to work through them, not put on a front of a perfect relationship when she was very obviously having thoughts of leaving. 

All that near-perfection was not real for her, in other words.  Not when she's still secretly in love with her ex from years ago and admits using every guy since then as a filler. I realize you perceived her as almost perfect, but it turns out that perception was not a reflection of her true feelings. The over-the-top cuddles and exaggerated declarations of love on the day she ended it sound borne out of guilt. She knew this was coming, sadly. 

[Coup La-La]

24 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

All that near-perfection was not real for her, in other words.  Not when she's still secretly in love with her ex from years ago and admits using every guy since then as a filler. I realize you perceived her as almost perfect, but it turns out that perception was not a reflection of her true feelings. The over-the-top cuddles and exaggerated declarations of love on the day she ended it sound borne out of guilt. She knew this was coming, sadly. 

Fair enough of a criticism, but how do you move on from that? When you've been with a woman who almost always knows the right thing to say (98% of the time), who knows more about sexual technique than most high cost escorts, who says from day 1 "I will live wherever you want, have as many kids as you want, and travel wherever you want", how do you top that? 

I've seen this several times before. My grandparents got divorced before I was born, my grandmother dated another man for 10+ years, he was a great guy who always treated me and my parents like we were his own blood, but my grandmother later admitted to me that she didn't marry him because she was still harboring feelings for my grandfather

My cousin was dating a man for years, gave him the ultimatum "marry me or we're done", he didn't accept her ultimatum and left. she ended up marrying a man whom is nowhere near as sophisticated, and she isn't nearly as affectionate or endearing with her husband as with her boyfriend from all that time ago 

A good friend of mine still dwells on his college sweetheart that broke his heart when she broke up with him and then quickly married someone else. Even now many years later whenever he's had more than 2 beers he starts talking about the one that can't be replaced

I feel like I'm being set up for a fate like this. 

[Cookiesandough]

Well that sucks, but I guess you need to find a  woman who has all that , or something like that, who is also into you. She’s not into you or you don’t meet her x, y,z requirements, otherwise she wouldn’t still be hung up on her ex… No use dwelling too much on the details. Find someone who thinks your the sht. She’s not the one . I wish you healing 

Edited July 3, 2021 by Cookiesandough