He told me where we stand

[brngme2life76]

I am still new to this posting and have been separated frm my H for almost a month now this coming Thursday . I have my up days and my down days, today is a down day. We had a talk last night for about an hour in our bedroom here at home. I asked him if there was any chance for us to get back together and he said no not right now. I told him I was willing to do whatever it takes to make us happy again and he said there is nothing I can do to make him want to come back.

 

I asked him why he thinks we cant be happy again and he said there was so much bull**** building up over a year that he has no hope for us to be happy again, he gave me too many chances to change and I did not take anyone of them to make it better when it needed it. I agree to that I took major advantage of our situation and never stopped to think of his feelings and his stress level being the sole provider of our family. I see that now and he dont believe I will change that or that he will be happy again if he comes here. I asked him about divorce and he said if we have to keep having conversations like this he will ask for one. As long as I dont keep hounding him and wanting to talk he wont ask for one but is not sure if he wants one in the future or not because he is not at that point time yet.

 

There is no OW I have to fight with. I am glad that is not my situation. I am afraid of there being one in his life and making him happy as I could not, but I am trying to show that too him and he wont budge. That is my downfall and worry. He told me when we did talk that that was part of his fustration that I was always worried about him doing that and that was the farthest thing from his mind and I should know better, I knew where he was at all the time and it was at home most of the time, to work and back home at the end of the evening and his paychecks showed that too me. So I did know better because he was never that type of man.

 

I am going to have to give him his space and let him breath before there can be an us again. He had alot of **** piled on his plate and I was no help. I am not blameing the whole situation on me becasue he did have his faults but alot of his fustration and faults were about me being "lazy". I was a lazy wife and see that now. I would not look for work and not clean the house when he asked what I did all day. I would sleep alot and I never stopped to think why I did till now. I was depressed for a long time due to our situation and when I looked up depression I realized that sleeping alot to avoid the situation was a major sign. I have no excuse for sleeping and not taking care of me with my depression.

 

I am doing things to take care of me and my kids now. I am starting GED classes tonight and am still looking for work that pays decent enough so I can support my family without him. Thats not easy to do but I am doing it. I just want him to see what I am doing for me and the kids but to realize I am also doing it to show him I can be a better mom and wife. He is so stubborn and wont budge at all. When my life starts to turn around and he sees that he better hope then that I want a future with him if wants to be with me again. I want him to wonder what I am doing and where I am at like I do him now and see what it feels like to hurt as bad as me.

 

But as for right now he aint coming home and who knows if he ever will.

In the mean time I will continue to hurt and be sad because I miss him and no one is going to make that go away. He may not be hurting like he says but I know my H more than anyone and he aint himself, I see deeper down into him and know there is more hurt and anger then what he shows.

 

Thanks for letting me vent this out it helps a little with the crying and the pain.

[Mz. Pixie]

I'm sorry but the script that he's reading you has Affair written all over it. I've been guilty of saying those same things before to my exhusband so even if you don't want to believe me, I know what I'm talking about.

 

He's blaming everything on you and not sharing any of the blame, he's saying that if you keep pushing he will file for divorce- in other words- accept things as they are or I'm done- he won't come home- ALL RED FLAGS.

 

Please give some serious consideration to what I've said. Men and women usually just don't up and leave for no reason, especially men- it's usually someone else that prompted the leaving.

 

Can someone else weigh in on here and back me up? Owl?? Devildog??

[Outcast]

If he's such a jerk that he can't understand that depression removes will and ability from people, then you don't need him anyway. He's being ridiculous and he knows it so he's casting blame on you. Don't buy it. He wants a divorce - let him go.

[debilou]

I know how bad you feel, I've been there, all the double talk. Nothing you say or do is right. Blah, blah, blah. It's never about how YOU feel, just poor pitiful him!

 

Try to back off from him. Let me repeat, Try. When they want space it's because someone else has turned their head. I know you don't want to hear that or believe it. I was there one year ago. My story doesn't have a happy ending.

 

Maybe your H isn't as big a dirt bag as mine. My stbxh has proven to be the biggest loser on the planet.

 

I'm sorry he has hurt you so badly. I still have pain but not that fresh, kick in the heart, guy wrenching pain you get when they first start screwing with your brain. He's manipulating you because he can.

 

Time tells all tales, time heals all wounds, as long as you don't pick at them. I borrowed that from this web site.

 

Try http://www.marriagebuilders.com. I know you want your H back. I know you want your family. It does happen that way for a lot of separated people. It just didn't happen for me. You can't make choices for your H.

 

Loveshack will be a real support for you. Ladyjane will soon chime in and give you some great advice. She's helped me through my crappy times. And still does.

 

We're here for you, you can vent and fuss and defend him all you want and we won't judge you. Life is hard. Take a deep breath and hold your head up. Remember who created you. Don't let other people define you. That's the mistake I made.

 

Anti depressants and counseling have helped make my crazy marriage/divorce bearable.

 

Debilou

[Mz. Pixie]

Another good book is "Love Must be Tough" by James Dobson. Seriously everything that it tells you NOT to do in the book my exh did, which is what pushed me away.....

[cherrysoduh]

Hey bring,

I haven't talked to you lately. I am so sorry that things aren't going good for you right not hon. Take care of yourself first go and seek some help for your depression either talk therapy or possibly AD. Your son needs you so please take care of yourself. And don't let your H blame everything on you. The others are right if he can not take responsiblity for anything than you don't need him. I know easier said than done. If you need to talk email me or I will probably been online later tonight, I have to go to work. Keep your head up chick!!

[brngme2life76]

I understand where you are all coming from.I am making NC with my H at all unless it concerns my son. I do not call him although I want to I do not. I guess I did not say things clearly when I posted this new one but he is not blameing me for everything he said he had things that he did not want to change either or tried and was not noticed when he was trying to make them happen. I am not putting off he OW senario but I have looked into a website that he was posting in and thought I knew nothing about it. A personal journal site that I was also posting in and decided to see if he was useing it by putting his email addy to look it up by curiosity. He was posting in it and I read things that he had buried inside if him that he would not tell anyone he knew. He said he had been unhappy for awhile now and I was not helping the situation by not having a job and always yelling at our son when it was really not that much to be mad at and not having more in common with him. We would rarely have a conversation to each other about anything unless it was about kids and bills. He also said I was always questioning him about an OW and was accusing him of cheating when he would go and play golf or what ever he was doing. He said I am a loyal H and dont even flirt with OW and she still has her doubts about me. He was really fustrated at the idea that I was always like that. I helped him to become a good man and father and he thanked me for that in his journal but said somehting was missing and he did not know how to shake the thought of getting out. I have not told him about me finding his online journal because he said if I found out I would be emotionally freaked by the way he felt, which was true I probabaly would have freaked out. He also said I would have no regard to privacy if I found it because these were his most personal feelings that he could not say to anyone, including me. He is a good man and was never a cheater. I know some of you say that the signs are all there but I have read on here about looking for signs and digging deeper, I did that. There are no signs of that. I knew where he was all the time and he was always home or at work because I would call the office where he worked and asked questions all the time because I worked there at one time myself and the boss loved me. I knew all his phone calls because it was a company cell phone so she would tell me everything. He is a work aholic and never misses for anything, I knew his hours by his paychecks, he gave them too me. I cant say for what he is doing now because I dont keep tabs on him and we are separated, but I know him more than anyone in his life and he has told me if we was with OW he would have asked for the divorce already and not beat around the bush on it. I believe that of him because I know him in my ways. I just hate the fact of being in limbo and not knowing what to do about my marriage becasue it takes 2 to make it work and right now he dont want that but he also dont want a divorce. So that is where I am confused. I want to thank all of you for being supportive and helping me with this situation, it means the world to me. If there is an OW I can always admit to being wrong on my knowing him at all.

[Ladyjane14]

If you've ruled out the possibility of an OW, then could he be effected by Male Midlife Crisis? How old is he? Some men are symptomatic as early as their late 30's.

 

There's alot of information available on the web. All you need to do is google for it. This is my own personal theory, and I don't have any science to offer you....but I think a good bit of midlife crisis is due to physiological changes in a man's body.

 

There's a universal quality to the symptomology that suggests that aging causes a certain chemical adjustment period. Often, men who are effected by it experience depression. I think maybe there's a relationship to seratonin, or seratonin uptake, that leaves the body deficient of it. My theory is that the lack of seratonin is causal in the search for the dopamine rush as a 'band-aid' type replacement. You know....fast cars, or fast women, or a general shake-up of the home-deal which provides them with adrenaline. Good or bad, they don't seem to care much. The point is getting out of the rut that they feel their life has become.

 

I'd hazard to guess that, to a man...they believe that their experience is unique. It must truly feel that way to them, because they are in agony about it. Make no mistake. But most don't really know why they feel the way they do. It's so much easier to focus on other things as the cause, than to believe your emotions are being manipulated from inside your own changing body.

 

Midlife guys are suffering from a generalized psychological dissatisfaction. They're measuring the accomplishments of their youth, and wondering if they've wasted it. But their vision is colored by the depression midlife changes can cause.

 

It's worthy of your sympathy if this turns out to be the case. It's no less devastating for men than menopause is for women. And there's just not enough information in the main-stream regarding it.

 

Regardless of the midlife question. Debilou gave you good advice. She's 'been there and done that', and she's smart.

 

You do need to "back off", but that doesn't mean NO CONTACT. That just means LESS PRESSURE. Let him come to you. And when he does, make each and every exchange a positive one.

 

Please google for: "Plan A, Plan B, marriagebuilders". This is information that addresses Infidelity, but it's still the best tool for you to use right now, even if there is apparently no infidelity present.

 

It's too early for NC. You need to do a really good Plan A, before you go to Plan B, which involves No Contact. Plan A establishes that you are true to your word, you're willing to make positive changes, you're able to fulfill ENs (Emotional Needs). What would be the point of doing NC, when you haven't established FIRMLY that he is abandoning a wonderful person?

 

One point worthy of mentioning..... Part of Plan A is to call your husband to accountability on his family responsibilities. Is he the father of your son? If so, he needs to be acting like one. If not, he still needs to be acting responsibly toward the boy. Children should NEVER bear the brunt of adult angst. Call your husband back into familial responsibility. Be gentle....but do call him on this.

[debilou]

What's new?

 

Debi

[MansView]

I am sorry to hear about your situation. I was also sad to hear some of what I consider to be not so good advice and counsel given to you.

 

As man I am in a similar situation that you said your husnad described. I have not left my wife and I am still at home and I AM NOT CHEATING!

 

Most women assume a man leaves because he is cheating. That just is not true. What most women don't understand is men have an ability to seperate sex and love. My point is men who cheat don't usually leave their wives to do it. Men who leave because of cheating usually have been caught and thrown out of the house.

 

When a man leaves his wife it is not because he is cheating. I'm not saying your husband isn't cheating. You probably already know the answer to that deep down inside. I'm simply saying that even if he is cheating that is not why he left. If he left the he truly was hurt.

 

That being said, badgering him will not help your situation. He wants to see you take care of yourself. He has decided not to be your crutch any longer. Can you take care of yourself without him? This is waht he wants to know.

 

Only when you step up, like you probably should have been doing in your marriage, will you have a chance of getting you husband back. The fact that he isn't ready to divorce you means he's waiting for you. He's is hoping and searching for a change. Begging won't get it. Men aren't big on words but we are big on action. It needs to be consistant sustained action.

 

Just cleaning the house once and cooking one meal won't cut it. True sincere sustained life changes will provide him a wife he can be proud of. Love is not enouhg for a marriage. Love and a partner that is willing to WORK to help build a life together is required for a marriage. People in love don't have to marry. But people who marry must be willing to work.

 

I am sure I will get bashed for this message but I just want to give you a man's perspective to consider.

 

God Bless you and I pray for reconcilliation in your marriage.

 

P.S. I typed rather quickly so excuse any typos!

[brngme2life76]

It has been awhile since I last posted and I have been through alot since then too. We are still separated and I am actually doing alot better. I went into the hospital for severe depression and came out a changed woman. I am currently in school to get my diploma and off to college. I am still looking for work to get on my feet and be dependant on myself. We do still talk to each other quite often but are still on the separation roller coaster. He is very supportive of me and says he is here for me whenever I need him. I am here for him as well.

 

I have started dating and am enjoying it. I have people telling me it is too soon to date but I am doing what makes me feel happy. I know he is not dateing as he is still to busy with work and our kids. He always calls me to chat and we are becomeing friends as we have not been in years, it feels good. He does see me becomeing a different person and tells me he likes to see me happy and doing well, on the other hand he is not doing as well as I expected of him. He is more depressed and hiding it. He is a very confused person right now.

 

I want to thank you all for the support you have givin to me and for the advice. I will post more and check up with my life as it goes and be here to help with all of you as you need it. Thanks again!!!!