what am i doing wrong?

[MSC]

hi!

 

i was looking for some input here. i have been divorced

 

for four years and have dated several guys all who seemed to have alot of promise. i was wrong. the first one just wanted a casual good time and when he decided he didn't want

 

to see me any more he just left and i was supposed to figure out we were through. the guy i am recently seeing {i

 

think we are still dating} is distancing himself. i have developed a really low self esteem because i think i must be repelling men. what gives here?

[Tony T]

I think it's pretty irrational to assess your own self-worth by measuring the insanity of others. You have just had the unfortunate experience of attracting some real losers.

 

But that's what dating is all about. I hope you will choose to keep going and searching. The right person is out there for you but you won't find him if you sink yourself into a depression because of a bunch of bums.

 

You should NEVER EVER give some idiot you have met at random the power to steal your self-esteem and drive you to depression. That's crazy.

 

Look your best, do your best, brush your teeth regularly, use mouthwash, take showers or bath's regularly, use a nice cologne, engage in interesting conversation and feel like you are the best catch in the universe.

[Tammie]

You're self esteem was probably low after the divorce and is still low, and you are simply attracting the wrong type of guys.

 

If you're looking for instant intimacy, or an instant lifepartner, you will either scare a guy away or attract some co-dependent losers/ abusers.

 

Ask yourself these questions:

 

Did you jump into a relationship right away, hoping for 'the one'?

 

Do things move too fast in your relationships. or you want them to move too fast?

 

Are you comfortable being single?

 

Do you want a man in your life, or NEED a man?

 

Are you emotionally needy?

 

If the guy you are currently dating is distancing himself from you, cut your losses now and break it off with him if he ever calls you. (I follow the Tony school of thought!) There is nothing worse than hanging around with someone who, for whatever reasons, doesn't feel the same way about you. Your self esteem will get so bad that you may do something drastic.

 

If you are not sure you are even still dating, it's already over. Write him off. He may never call you (passive). Fine. Just another paragraph in your relationship chronicles.

 

Take a journal and write him a letter as to why it's over and DON'T send the letter. Keep it for your own reference.

 

Then, take the same journal and make a list of things you've always wanted to do: see a new place, go on a hike alone, get a manicure and pedicure, learn a new hobby or sport. List your strengths and weaknesses. It's personal inventory time. You've been through quite a lot with your divorce, and it's time for you to completely heal.

 

Get your confidence back. Become more assertive. Feel good about yourself. Don't worry about attracting a man or dating now. Focus on working with yourself.

 

Once you become more confident, you can then consider dating. JUST dating. No strings. No future plans. Live for the moment for a while.

 

This will take a while. Re-acquaint yourself with your friends and make new ones. Once your personal life feels in order, and your social life is more dynamic, you will feel better about yourself andd start attracting the nice man you deserve. (Getting off soapbox).

 

Good luck.

 

:-)