SunnySide0418 Posted March 13, 2019 Share Posted March 13, 2019 I've been with my boyfriend for just over a year. We have a great relationship most of the time. We only see each other every other weekend because of kids schedules. The problem is I feel smothered sometimes. If too much time goes by between texts he gets mad at me. We do work for the same company and if I don't have time to talk he gets annoyed. I feel he wants to consume me. If I ever want time alone he feels rejected. What should I do? It's effecting the way I feel about him. It's a turn off and exhausting to have to constantly reassure him. I'm 48, he's 44.. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted March 13, 2019 Share Posted March 13, 2019 I personally wouldn't use "needy" and "boyfriend" (or girlfriend) in the same sentence, the relationship dynamic doesn't work for me. And I'd have to question whether it's working for you... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted March 13, 2019 Share Posted March 13, 2019 You need to be honest with him that it has to stop and is making you resent him and want to see him LESS. I don't see this working out in the long run. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted March 13, 2019 Share Posted March 13, 2019 Have you told him how you feel & that he's pushing you away? Talk it through & try to reach a communications compromise. Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted March 13, 2019 Share Posted March 13, 2019 He's like this because the relationship isn't meeting his needs. Have you had a discussion about how he feels and tried to come up with some solutions which keep you both happy? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
One2Three Posted March 14, 2019 Share Posted March 14, 2019 I'm in a situation similar to yours but roles are reversed. I need more contact than he provides sometimes. What we figured so far, is get into a middle ground - he calls a little more then he likes to, and I call a little less. That way we're both happy I've been with my boyfriend for just over a year. We have a great relationship most of the time. We only see each other every other weekend because of kids schedules. The problem is I feel smothered sometimes. If too much time goes by between texts he gets mad at me. We do work for the same company and if I don't have time to talk he gets annoyed. I feel he wants to consume me. If I ever want time alone he feels rejected. What should I do? It's effecting the way I feel about him. It's a turn off and exhausting to have to constantly reassure him. I'm 48, he's 44.. Link to post Share on other sites
hippychick3 Posted March 14, 2019 Share Posted March 14, 2019 My ex-husband was like this from day 1. His behavior stems from insecurity. You can tell him that he is pushing you away and it may temporarily change his behavior but it won’t change his feelings. Men like this usually don’t change. I felt suffocated throughout my marriage and leaving him was the most freeing feeling in the world. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author SunnySide0418 Posted March 14, 2019 Author Share Posted March 14, 2019 Have you told him how you feel & that he's pushing you away? Talk it through & try to reach a communications compromise. Yes, I have told him, multiple times. He always says it's his issue and he'll work on it until the next time it happens. He treats me better than any other boyfriend but he's just so intense. Link to post Share on other sites
Author SunnySide0418 Posted March 14, 2019 Author Share Posted March 14, 2019 You need to be honest with him that it has to stop and is making you resent him and want to see him LESS. I don't see this working out in the long run. Honestly, I don't either. The thought of marrying him is suffocating. Link to post Share on other sites
Author SunnySide0418 Posted March 14, 2019 Author Share Posted March 14, 2019 He's like this because the relationship isn't meeting his needs. Have you had a discussion about how he feels and tried to come up with some solutions which keep you both happy? Yes, we sure have. He wants more than I can give because whatever I do never seems to be enough. It's not like this daily but it seems to happen monthly. Link to post Share on other sites
Timshel Posted March 14, 2019 Share Posted March 14, 2019 You see each other every other weekend (2x/month) going on over a year. It seems that he would like to take the relationship to another level and you are content to leave it as is. I would guess it may be time to discuss the future or lack thereof. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted March 14, 2019 Share Posted March 14, 2019 you need to dump this clingy chump Sunny. Find a real man who values both yours and his independence Link to post Share on other sites
Author SunnySide0418 Posted March 14, 2019 Author Share Posted March 14, 2019 You see each other every other weekend (2x/month) going on over a year. It seems that he would like to take the relationship to another level and you are content to leave it as is. I would guess it may be time to discuss the future or lack thereof. We both have younger kids and live 45 minutes apart. He has 50/50 custody so no big decisions can be made until he's off to college. But you're right, I am content to leave it as is. Link to post Share on other sites
Timshel Posted March 14, 2019 Share Posted March 14, 2019 It looks as though he hasn't received the memo. Have a nice home cooked meal and give him the memo, this (state boundaries) and let him know that this has agitated you to a point that you are feeling uncomfortable in the relationship. You may have discussed the 'neediness' in the past but it seems regardless of agreed terms, his inclination is leaning towards more. Given the length of your relationship and otherwise contentedness with it, I would be very candid with him at this point; without any waffling. That you have posted here rather than figuring it out between the two of you, it's possible that you have not been straightforward. This may be the end of your relationship and you will have to accept it, though it's been convenient. Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted March 14, 2019 Share Posted March 14, 2019 Honestly, I don't either. The thought of marrying him is suffocating. Oh, by no means should you marry him! Just wait until you have kids and have to give the kids priority. He'll lose his **** and every time you're too exhausted to have sex, he'll have a meltdown. Look, it's okay to have standards for who you choose to stay with. There will be lots of people you really love but cannot live with or stay with because it would be miserable. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted March 14, 2019 Share Posted March 14, 2019 But you're right, I am content to leave it as is. For many guys in his situation, you'd be a low-maintenance dream come true. Given your priorities, you may simply be with the wrong partner... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
Curiousroxy86 Posted March 14, 2019 Share Posted March 14, 2019 Honestly, I don't either. The thought of marrying him is suffocating. You should remain in a relationship with a person who has flaws you can accept. This statement you made said it all. You should breakup. The right thing for you and him is to breakup. If this man wants to marry eventually It would be in his best interest and your best interest to let each other go just based on this statement alone. If either want to eventually marry and one or both can't see each other married then your literally wasting each other's time. Would you want to stay with a boyfriend who felt that way about you? "She is too xyz. The thought of marrying her is xyz. She is a really good girlfriend. I like the benefits of being with her but man she is xyz. She is good enough to be my girlfriend because of the way she treats me and I don't want to let that go. But I can't see her as my wife" You wouldn't like that if you found out this is how your boyfriend thinks of you especially if you want the option to get married. You would probably want him to be honest and breakup because you don't want to be in a relationship with someone who sees you like that deep down. So do the right thing and let him go and let him find someone who would be thrilled to marry him and you go find someone you would be thrilled to marry (if you even want to get married) Your not wrong for how you feel but staying with him with thoughts like that is not really fair to him. It's very hurtful to have a partner that you think want the same things and tell you lovely things in your face and act like they are as in love with you and accept you but they don't tell you how they really feel and they have it deep inside and it comes out in other ways that's hurtful instead of having the balls to just breakup all because that partner doesn't want to be alone. It's understandable but it's extremely selfish to the other partner. And the longer you stick the more devasting it will be when you really can't take it anymore and leave. And I get it. If this person is 95% wonderful but can't stand 5% why throw away the person for just 5%? Well if the 5% is truly "can't stand" to the point that the thought of spending the rest of your life is horrible? Then you got to throw it away! It should be 80-95% wonderful and 20-5% don't like/get on my f*ckin nerves but I can and will deal with it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mrs._December Posted March 14, 2019 Share Posted March 14, 2019 For many guys in his situation, you'd be a low-maintenance dream come true. Mr. Lucky You'd be shocked at just how many Stage IV clingers there ARE out there in this age group (45+). When I was in my late 40's and dating again after a long-term relationship breakup, I wasn't looking for anything serious or long-term from anyone. I'd even indicated that in my dating profile. Hell, I thought I was a dream girl, not making demands on anyone and the guys I met tended to agree with that....until two or three dates in and suddenly, they all wanted to pull me off the market and/or have the 'talk' with me. None of that serious stuff was coming from ME - it was coming from the guys. I had several dump me because I wouldn't commit to them. Go figure. OP, unfortunately, you've just got yourself one of the many Stage IV clingers out there. They're everywhere. You really can't avoid them. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted March 14, 2019 Share Posted March 14, 2019 what do you mean by "Stage IV"? Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted March 15, 2019 Share Posted March 15, 2019 what do you mean by "Stage IV"? They've passed "Stage III"... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
loversquarrel Posted March 18, 2019 Share Posted March 18, 2019 I think you're both insecure. Him for being clingy, you for not breaking up with someone who a) wants more out of the relationship than you and b) complaining about it to the point of being turned off by him. At least he's showing what he wants while you're stringing him along. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
fred123 Posted March 19, 2019 Share Posted March 19, 2019 why is he labelled as clingy? please do tell Link to post Share on other sites
LivingWaterPlease Posted March 19, 2019 Share Posted March 19, 2019 Might be that you'll just have to move on. From what I've seen this is not something that's going to go away and your resentment will just build over time. Link to post Share on other sites
Author SunnySide0418 Posted March 19, 2019 Author Share Posted March 19, 2019 why is he labelled as clingy? please do tell Needy - needs constant attention and reassurance. Link to post Share on other sites
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