Lost1981 Posted March 14, 2019 Share Posted March 14, 2019 Me and my boyfriend (now ex) have just broken up. We are both in our late 30ies and have been together for over 3 years and lived together for 2. In the beginning of our relationship we did discuss children (none of us had any), and he didn't really want them, but was open to that he could change his mind. I wasn't sure either, but part of me was imagining us having a child at some point. We moved in together and things were good. Our daily life was great, we have more mutual interests and we were never fighting over small things like who has to do the dishes etc. I was happy and loved him and our life. About an year ago my biological clock started to tick really loud. I felt like something was missing and I was ready for the next step. We talked about it many times. He still wasn't sure. I became worried about my age and got my eggs tested. The result wasn't good...there're not many left so I started to panic. I told him about this, but nothing changed. Then 6 months ago he told me that he definitely doesn't want children. I was so hurt and angry, but tried to accept it and figure out what to do. He suggested he could start therapy. Well, after the therapy ended, he found out that he needs and wants to leave me. We took a break to calm down, he moved out for a while, and when he returned he said that he's moving out for good. He doesn't want children, I want them, and we're both tired of talkning about it. I KNOW it's for the best. But still I'm so hurt. I know he wasn't so keen on children from the start so it's also my fault that I entered this relationship, but I hoped he would change his mind like some men do. Now I'm almost 40. I will probably have difficulties becoming pregnant, and my time is limited. I could try for a baby on my own, but being a single mother wasn't what I've dreamed of. I wanted and want a family. I could start searching for a new man, but that's also quite difficult. At some point I want to give up children for him, but in my heart I can't. I'm hurting because I still love him and I'm grieving because he doesn't want a family with me. I'm also angry with him. I try to understand and accept, but I feel rejected and like a failure. I just feel lost... I don't really know what kind of advice I want. I know it's over and I know I have to either try for a baby myself or go all in on finding a man. Maybe I just need to hear from others who have been in this situation. Link to post Share on other sites
assertives Posted March 14, 2019 Share Posted March 14, 2019 If you are really certain you want children in your life, the most practical advise I can give is to freeze your eggs now so that should a good man comes around later and want kids with you, at least it'll increase your chances of getting pregnant. If you decide at a later stage you don't mind accepting a donor sperm and be a single mother, again that option would be available to you, and if you decide you don't want kids after all, you can then discard your eggs or donate them too. As for this guy, I would say think carefully what you really want out of life, and be honest with yourself, because he does knows what he wants, and that's no kids. If you decide you want to be with him, you have to be prepared to never be a mother, if not it'll just not work out and waste more of yours and his time. Don't lie to yourself and him just for the sake of the relationship and then hoping he'll change his mind. The bioclock is definitely ticking. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted March 14, 2019 Share Posted March 14, 2019 No-one who wants kids should hang around with women or men who say they don't want kids or are iffy about kids, in the hope that someday they will change their mind. It doesn't tend to work like that and some like your bf decide as they get older they DEFINITELY NEVER want kids. This is especially true for women who can easily fritter away their child bearing years with a guy who was always lukewarm about kids, never wanted kids in the first place or worse still, never wanted kids WITH YOU. Seems like your bf used the therapy to confirm in his mind that splitting up was the right thing to do. Yes the kids issue may be primarily the reason for the split, but there may be other things too, so I don't really think getting back with him is a wise move. In the meantime you need to try to improve your egg quality - google it. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Eternal Sunshine Posted March 14, 2019 Share Posted March 14, 2019 Freezing eggs after 35 is useless. Have a child NOW, alone. You will meet someone in the future and won't be a single mum forever. However, you don't have a child now, you won't ever have children. Think about it. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted March 14, 2019 Share Posted March 14, 2019 Have a child NOW, alone. You will meet someone in the future and won't be a single mum forever. However, you don't have a child now, you won't ever have children. Think about it. I tend to agree. As you are now nearly 40, time is of the essence. You could wait years for a new relationship to get to the stage of kids, and I guess most of the men you would be dating already have kids and want no more or are of the "never wanted kids" variety. Many older guys who seriously want kids are looking for women in their twenties and early thirties, when fertility is not usually an issue... So whilst being a single mother is not what you envisaged, it is maybe better being a single mother than "waiting" and end up having no kids at all. The most recent prospective study evaluating the efficacy of egg freezing using vitrification found the proportion of vitrified oocytes resulting in live birth to be 8.2% in women under 36 years (12.1 oocytes required per live birth) and 3.3% in women 36–39 years (29.6 oocytes required per live birth). https://obgyn.onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/full/10.1111/1471-0528.15295 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted March 14, 2019 Share Posted March 14, 2019 Indeed, time is of the essence here. As difficult as this is, he was clear from the beginning that he did not want children. You chose to spend years of your life with a man who had told you he didn’t want children, hoping and believing that he would change his mind. That decision is on you, not him. I hope it works out and you get what you want. But, you better get going... you don’t have any more time to waste. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lost1981 Posted March 14, 2019 Author Share Posted March 14, 2019 (edited) Thank you all for the replies. I will definitely research about egg freezing. In my country you have to be under 38. I'm 37 so I can't waste more time. My emotions are still all over the place. I have to accept and move on. It just makes it hard, because I still love him. The feelings are not gone, even though the anger (both at him and myself) makes them smaller. Edited March 14, 2019 by Lost1981 Link to post Share on other sites
One2Three Posted March 14, 2019 Share Posted March 14, 2019 Thank you all for the replies. I will definitely research about egg freezing. In my country you have to be under 38. I'm 37 so I can't waste more time. Research more doctors. A poster from here froze hers after 40. The issue is lower quality and quantity, but it's possible if you're okay taking a risk. Btw 37 is hardly 'too old' for kids. It will be harder, but if you are ovulating, far from impossible until you are 45 or so when things start shutting down (anecdotal exceptions exist obviously, my aunt had her first, unplanned, pregnancy at 46... she wasn't even trying). Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted March 14, 2019 Share Posted March 14, 2019 adoption sister Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lost1981 Posted March 15, 2019 Author Share Posted March 15, 2019 I've booked an appointment at a fertility clinic now. Any advice on how to move on? I feel like such a failure and unloveable, because he didn't want to have children with me. And I'm still so angry. Link to post Share on other sites
Wallysbears Posted March 15, 2019 Share Posted March 15, 2019 I've booked an appointment at a fertility clinic now. Any advice on how to move on? I feel like such a failure and unloveable, because he didn't want to have children with me. And I'm still so angry. He didn’t want to have kids. Period. It isn’t about you. Your life goals just aren’t the same. I’m so sorry but I’m glad you are going to the fertility clinic. That’s a great first step. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Lone Blue Posted March 15, 2019 Share Posted March 15, 2019 Don’t waste any more time! If you want kids, go and get the procedure done. You don’t want to look back at your life and regret that you didn’t have a kid. I know it’s not the same, but I’m an only child and my mother always regretted not having a second child. Don’t do that to yourself. I’m sorry this is happening to you. I’m sure you both are fine people, but your life goals just don’t match. Move on and find someone better suited to you. Don’t even entertain giving up your dream for him. You will resent him in the long run for not giving you the child you seek. Link to post Share on other sites
assertives Posted March 15, 2019 Share Posted March 15, 2019 Don't feel like that. He just doesn't want kids. Loving a person does not necessarily make someone who doesn't want kids to suddenly want them. Try seeing it this way, him deciding to leave you could possibly his act of love towards you, to free you to choose what you want to do regarding kids instead of continuing to waste your time and try to change you or persuade you to give up your dreams to be with him. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lost1981 Posted March 15, 2019 Author Share Posted March 15, 2019 Thank you I know it's for the best. It's just hard not to take it personal. I imagine him finding a younger girl some day who he wants to have children with. I love him and I miss him. I wanted a family...being a single mother isn't what I dreamed of. I just hope it's worth it. Link to post Share on other sites
sandrawg Posted March 15, 2019 Share Posted March 15, 2019 Thank you I know it's for the best. It's just hard not to take it personal. I imagine him finding a younger girl some day who he wants to have children with. I love him and I miss him. I wanted a family...being a single mother isn't what I dreamed of. I just hope it's worth it. It's very hard when you love someone, but your life goals simply aren't compatible. For me, the shoe was on the other foot. I'm too old to have kids. I was off and on w a guy 20 yrs younger..he would always leave cuz he'd say, ok, now I gotta get serious, and find someone to have kids with. Then he changed his mind. Now he's pretty much back, and I guess, waiting for me to get over ANOTHER much younger guy I was dating (who DOES want a marriage, and kids.) What a mess. He claims he decided he doesn't want kids. He's 32 now. Is that old enough to know for sure? I'm not sure. For many reasons I'm not jumping back into it with him ,anytime soon. In any case, some people DO change their mind, but it sounds like you don't have much time to be patient. Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted March 15, 2019 Share Posted March 15, 2019 You shouldn't be angry with him. And you shouldn't ever try to get someone who doesn't want kids to have them. That's only thinking of yourself, not the welfare of the child. A father who didn't want the kids to begin with? Bad choice for a father, and you'd have been left with ALL the work and childrearing. I always hear about that biological clock thing, but I never got it. I never wanted kids or had them on my life plan, but I kept hearing that I'd change my mind and kept an open mind, but nope, never felt any of that biological clock stuff. I've always thought that must be more about being surrounded by your old friends and relatives who all have kids and won't stop asking why you don't and feeling left out, but I was lucky no one in my inner circle ever tried to make me feel like a failure for not having them, because they know me too well. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted March 15, 2019 Share Posted March 15, 2019 adoption sister Depends where the OP lives. It's virtually impossible to adopt here in Oz 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lost1981 Posted March 16, 2019 Author Share Posted March 16, 2019 He's living at a friends house now while searching for a permanent place to live, so I'm living in our apartment alone now. It's so hard to look at his things. I want them out asap, but I know I will break down the day I see the apartment half empty. Link to post Share on other sites
assertives Posted March 16, 2019 Share Posted March 16, 2019 If the apartment depresses you, consider moving. I know it's hard, but try to remind yourself that this is for the better. Don't blame him for not loving you enough to have kids with you. Wanting or not wanting kids is not dependant on how much he loves you or does not love you enough. Some people really just don't want kids, and don't want or ever see themselves becoming a parent. He may never wants kids regardless who he dates or settle down in future. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lost1981 Posted March 16, 2019 Author Share Posted March 16, 2019 If the apartment depresses you, consider moving. I know it's hard, but try to remind yourself that this is for the better. Don't blame him for not loving you enough to have kids with you. Wanting or not wanting kids is not dependant on how much he loves you or does not love you enough. Some people really just don't want kids, and don't want or ever see themselves becoming a parent. He may never wants kids regardless who he dates or settle down in future. At some point I probably have to move out, because the apartment is too expensive for one person. I try not to blame him, but at the same time you hear about men who don't want children with one women, but want them with another. I can't help taking this personal. I'm scared he'll find a younger woman some day and have children with her. I know I shouldn't torture myself with these thoughts, but it's hard not to. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted March 16, 2019 Share Posted March 16, 2019 I'm scared he'll find a younger woman some day and have children with her. I know I shouldn't torture myself with these thoughts, but it's hard not to. Sometimes it can help if you process that before the potential traumatic event, so when or IF it happens you are prepared and can cope better. Face it head on and overcome it. You have absolutely no control over what he does, so you need to get your head in order beforehand, so you are prepared for the worst. Of course some cope better with the head in the sand approach, "It's not going to happen and I will face it if and when it does... " Different horses for different courses. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lost1981 Posted March 17, 2019 Author Share Posted March 17, 2019 I miss him :-( I try to stay strong and focus on why we can't be together and on my baby project...but I miss him and all the things we used to do. Everything reminds me of him. Link to post Share on other sites
Happy Lemming Posted March 17, 2019 Share Posted March 17, 2019 I don't know if this helps or not, but here goes. When I was in my mid thirties, I met and started dating a woman also in her mid thirties. Very early on in the dating relationship (about a month) she mentioned wanting to have kids. She asked me my views and told me not to lie as she didn't have a whole lot of time left for her biological clock. (She was a very intelligent nurse practitioner and I guess she knew a lot about her personal reproductive system). I told her I didn't want kids and I should probably leave, which I did. We parted company in a friendly way. About six months to a year later, I was reading some local health news articles and I saw her name, this time is was hyphenated, though. A few google searches later and I found out she had gotten married. I can only assume (from there) that she got pregnant and had the family she so desired. It is a good when a man tells the truth about not wanting children or doubts wanting children. Just my two cents... Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted March 17, 2019 Share Posted March 17, 2019 Thank you all for the replies. I will definitely research about egg freezing. In my country you have to be under 38. I'm 37 so I can't waste more time. 37 is definitely doable for egg-freezing. Your odds won't be as high as that of a 30-yo or even 35-yo, however they are not nonexistent. Please don't be angry with him. IMO, he did nothing wrong. He was always aboveboard about not wanting kids, and even tried to "figure it out" for you. Unfortunately his "figuring out" resulted in him realizing that it would be best for him to leave, but he has not lied to you or misled you. Lots of people of both genders don't want children and there is nothing wrong with that, nor does it say anything about you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted March 17, 2019 Share Posted March 17, 2019 At some point I probably have to move out, because the apartment is too expensive for one person. I try not to blame him, but at the same time you hear about men who don't want children with one women, but want them with another. I can't help taking this personal. I'm scared he'll find a younger woman some day and have children with her. I know I shouldn't torture myself with these thoughts, but it's hard not to. Well, if he does, it would probably be because she "ooopsed" him. And she's still have a nonfather and no one to help with the kids. You should change apartments and get on with your life asap. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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