He left, because I want children

[stillafool]

It's over. Acceptance is the first step to healing.

[Lost1981]

Today is the first day since the break up where I can listen to happy songs again and enjoy them

 

The sun is shining and I feel positive about the future. I'm getting used to live alone here. We have talked and met, but I didn't feel anything. No love, no sadness or anger. I miss him, I miss the things we used to do together, but I know we can't be together anymore. I can make new memories on my own or with someone new.

 

Sometimes I feel like he gave up too soon….it was always me who tried to find solutions and couldn't give up on us. I'm tired of that. I don't want to be the one who fights for the relationship. I want someone who wants the same things as me...with me.

 

Oh, how I hope this mood will last!

Edited March 31, 2019 by Lost1981

[Leigh 87]

Thank you all for the replies. I will definitely research about egg freezing. In my country you have to be under 38. I'm 37 so I can't waste more time.

 

My emotions are still all over the place. I have to accept and move on. It just makes it hard, because I still love him. The feelings are not gone, even though the anger (both at him and myself) makes them smaller.

 

I am with a Mr "neutral" on having kids. My husband never needed to have kids. He is having them because I want them AND - because, although he is not all excited about it prior to it happening, he CAN see that he would likely feel it to be the best thing to have ever happened to him AFTER the fact.

Some men freely admit they would prefer an "easier" life to that of having children, while at he same time acknowledging that they also see how deep and rewarding the love would be. Men can be whatever about having kids, while at the same time "knowing" they would still love it IF it did happen.

 

As ET said - egg freezing is useless. .. Especially after age 35. And actually, egg freezing is a pretty crappy way to preserve fertility in general - it only tends to work when you have donor sperm and an actual frozen EMBRYO - merely freezing eggs along is NOT... and I repeat, is NOT a good vale for money type of deal...

 

Go and get pregnant with a sperm donor. Tomorrow. Do it asap. True love is hard to find.... IF you rush it, you will end up "settling" for the sake of needing to have everything you want in life - you do not get everything you want in life, very few people do. You cannot just wait around to get everything you want. Sometimes, you can have the things that you want but in a different way - you can get the love of your life still and you can go out and have a kid if you act soon - you CAN get what you want, but you cannot be stubborn and sit around, waiting for a miracle.

 

At this stage in your life - you will be lucky to get a child and also some great love story - be it a bio father to your child or not, not everyone gets children AND the amazing partner they always dreamed of. But you can still have a go of it, albeit you probably won't find him before you bio clock expires.

 

I hate to be a Debbie Downer here - but I do not know many instances of women who get everything they want out of life - most women and men I am friends with are:

- married but in a loveless marriage albeit, yay they got kids...

- are with the love of their life - but one of them is infertile, so they chose true love over the ability to have children...

- they met later in life and managed a miracle baby - YAY for them!

- more often - they met later in life and needed 10 rounds of IVF and or an egg doner - before getting their miracle, later in life miracle baby. Double yay, right?!

 

Not many people meet the love of their life, and go on to be married and have children and live happily ever after. Not many people get a free pass, "vacation" life......Actually - my parents got all this, to a point.... married young, love of each others life, still very in love almost 50 years together......had great jobs and lots of money........... But hey, my dad became disabled at age 41 and mum had to work two jobs and move overseas to save us from financial hell and I grew up with my dad - without my mum living in the same country. Not many people get everything they want and when they do, other crap always goes "wrong" for the majority.

 

Please consider getting donor sperm and going it alone - you can find the love of your life, but love like this does not just fall into our laps and it almost NEVER happens when we want it.

 

I do understand your conundrum; love or pursuing a family. My partner and I both never considered whether or not we wanted children when we first got together at age 29/30. I eventually got hit with the biological clock too. I now realise I am supposed to be a mum, and no amount of travel, career or friends will fill the void.

 

I get it.

 

I am 32 atm and if suddenly single in my mid 30s or beyond - I would absolutely hit the sperm bank and get knocked up solo. I would not "wait" for Mr right.

 

Do you think that the dream of parenthood with the bio father is always amazing? A outlined above - very, very few married couples are blissfully happy and loving life together. Over 50% divorce and go on to find the right partner with someone they DID NOT have children with. It is not all it is cracked up to be to HAVE to have your children with a long term partner. Look at Brad and Angie - they were a great love story, had kids - then broke up, and they did have a great love story even, and even then it did not work out forever.

 

The majority of married couples I know are unhappy and cannot stand each other, I really mean that.

 

I have noticed a few types of men:

 

- type one: just plain do not want kids. Period.

- men who want kids, period.

- Mr neutral type one: does not care if he has kids or not whatsoever. Is easy going and would prefer to remain in his easy life, but is not against kids either but would "prefer" to not bother.

- Mr neutral type two: is not phased whether he has kids or not, but can see the merit to it all and he knows and can communicate to his partner that " yes, I can see how after the kid was born, I can see how it would be the happiest thing in my life... but as I am already content in life, it just is not something I can be exited about before it happens"

 

Your ex partner seems to not feel any possible joy to having a child nor any appeal to it, period. Where as a man can be un - excited about having kids, yet still *feel* that it would likely be a very special time (but are just content living the easy life as it is).

 

My husband was neutral until he met me and I wanted kids. He describes it like this, (I just asked him for you)

 

" I could not really care less whether or not I have kids, but when I do think about it, I do know that after it happened, I do see that it would be the happiest experience of my life but only AFTER the fact, cos as it stands I am very content with sleeping in and having an easy life and I do not yearn for more..... it is just not something I can get all excited about before pregnancy even occurs, but after you get pregnant of course I would be excited"

 

Some men can go with or without children. But can see the merit of having kids. Where as some neutral men cannot really see themselves as "happier" after kids and it would be purely for their partners. My dad was exactly the same but ended up very happy he got to experience having me. He would never have sought out a partner just to have kids and would have been fine without.

 

Please try and grieve your loss of partner while you also pursue your own, individual dream of parenthood. You have until about 40 before you will be the woman who needs 20 IVF cycles all for nothing.

[Lost1981]

Please try and grieve your loss of partner while you also pursue your own, individual dream of parenthood. You have until about 40 before you will be the woman who needs 20 IVF cycles all for nothing.

 

Thank you for your long reply. I really appreciate it.

 

About freezing eggs. I would really want it to be my first option, because I don't feel ready for starting the treament, pregnancy etc. right now. I'm not in a good place mentally and physically and I'm also scared it won't end with a good result, because I feel and am so unhealthy. At the same time I feel like I don't have much more time to waste.

 

For a long time I thought that my ex would change and when the baby would arrive, he would be happy he did it anyway. But it was a risk/chance he wasn't willing to take. He was scared that he would regret having the baby. He wasn't open to any other alternative.

 

Today I feel sad, confused and well...lost, even though I was in a good mood yesterday. It's hard when all is happening at once and I have some tough decisions to make.

[stillafool]

 

Sometimes I feel like he gave up too soon….it was always me who tried to find solutions and couldn't give up on us. I'm tired of that. I don't want to be the one who fights for the relationship. I want someone who wants the same things as me...with me.

 

 

I don't think he gave up as much as he realized that the two of you want different things and aren't compatible. If you look at it as giving up so did you by deciding you want kids over the relationship with him. Neither of you are wrong you just want different things in life.

[Els]

For a long time I thought that my ex would change and when the baby would arrive, he would be happy he did it anyway. But it was a risk/chance he wasn't willing to take. He was scared that he would regret having the baby.

 

 

I am really concerned that you thought this was a good idea!!! There is a HUGE risk that he would not "change his mind" - and then your baby would have to grow up with a dad that clearly does not want him/her. Can you imagine how that would be like for the child? Living every day with a dad who doesn't care about him/her and doesn't want anything to do with him/her? How awful for the child to grow up like that, it's far worse than having a single parent.

 

Your ex did the right thing. I understand that the biological drive is strong for you but you cannot let that override common sense and the welfare of your child. Go and have the baby solo now if you must, but do NOT push a man who is clearly against having kids to do so.

 

 

He wasn't open to any other alternative.

 

 

If you cannot (or will not?) adopt, what other alternative is there?

Edited April 1, 2019 by Elswyth

[Leigh 87]

Thank you for your long reply. I really appreciate it.

 

About freezing eggs. I would really want it to be my first option, because I don't feel ready for starting the treament, pregnancy etc. right now. I'm not in a good place mentally and physically and I'm also scared it won't end with a good result, because I feel and am so unhealthy. At the same time I feel like I don't have much more time to waste.

 

For a long time I thought that my ex would change and when the baby would arrive, he would be happy he did it anyway. But it was a risk/chance he wasn't willing to take. He was scared that he would regret having the baby. He wasn't open to any other alternative.

 

Today I feel sad, confused and well...lost, even though I was in a good mood yesterday. It's hard when all is happening at once and I have some tough decisions to make.

 

 

Rather than just freezing eggs then, it would be a lot better to just do IVF with donor sperm - freeze the gametes and get hem transferred when you are ready.

 

Of course you are going through a very intensive grieving and mourning process. I get it. Right this moment is clearly a bad idea! Plus the drugs used for fertility related egg freezing and the like - will only serve to mess with your already fragile state even more! So yes, great idea to wait until you are feeling more stable.

 

I myself am waiting until I am a little older before I start trying for kids myself for medical reasons (I have a rare sub -type of a condition where I have TOO MANY eggs left, 9 times the amount as the average woman and need to spend 2 years ovulating them out before the crap quality ones clear)

 

I will be 34 before I start "trying", as if I try any earlier I will keep having early losses... so I totally understand the biological drive and the time running out thing.. I really do and I am not comfortable with it at all but I just figure that we do not always get everything we want so... I Just focus on counting the blessing I do have.

 

What helped me was seeing a specialist and also making online friends with women of my age and who have my particular condition - the first friend I made with my exact condition actually got pregnant recently on her very first round of fertility treatment:love: So having buddies albeit online buddies who know what you are going through fertility wise is a huge thing now days - the internet is just swarming with support groups for older first time mothers who need support in going it alone!

 

I just found that none of my friends nor family members are really in a position to offer any real support regarding my infertility, therefore women who are also like me proved to be the best. Not that you even suffer from infertility (most likely you do not!) but there are still support groups for women who are in your position.

 

I would also look online at forums that contain mostly women who missed the boat on kids due to circumstances in life (rather than infertility). I would read about how they felt about it, and you will then feel motivated (or not) to act in one way or another.

 

All the best, and so sorry about your break up, especially at your age it is just plain unfair how life ends up sometimes:(

[Wallysbears]

As ET said - egg freezing is useless. .. Especially after age 35. And actually, egg freezing is a pretty crappy way to preserve fertility in general - it only tends to work when you have donor sperm and an actual frozen EMBRYO - merely freezing eggs along is NOT... and I repeat, is NOT a good value for money type of deal....

 

Please do explain where you are getting this data. Because it is not scientifically valid. Many women successfully freeze eggs and then have them later defrosted to use for IVF. With the sperm of their partner OR via donor sperm.

Edited April 1, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
fixed spacing

[Lost1981]

I am really concerned that you thought this was a good idea!!! There is a HUGE risk that he would not "change his mind" - and then your baby would have to grow up with a dad that clearly does not want him/her. Can you imagine how that would be like for the child? Living every day with a dad who doesn't care about him/her and doesn't want anything to do with him/her? How awful for the child to grow up like that, it's far worse than having a single parent.

 

Your ex did the right thing. I understand that the biological drive is strong for you but you cannot let that override common sense and the welfare of your child. Go and have the baby solo now if you must, but do NOT push a man who is clearly against having kids to do so.

 

 

 

 

 

If you cannot (or will not?) adopt, what other alternative is there?

 

 

I knew he probably wouldn't change his mind, but some men do. And you hear all that "men won't be ready before the child is acutally there" and "men sometimes need a little push" and "if he loves you, he would want to have children with you" and "he will love the child, when it's there" etc. It's easy to get confused. But I have learned now that you should really listen to what men say.

 

By no other alternative I meant that he wasn't open to that he would love the child when it's born and will not regret it. He just said to himself that a child would ruin his life. Period. He didn't KNOW if it would ruin his life, and he didn't want to change that mind set. That's what I mean by no alternative.

Edited April 1, 2019 by Lost1981

[Leigh 87]

Please do explain where you are getting this data. Because it is not scientifically valid. Many women successfully freeze eggs and then have them later defrosted to use for IVF. With the sperm of their partner OR via donor sperm.

 

 

I suffer infertility albeit a mild version and I will probably have kids. But I have been around infertility forums for a good couple of solid years and I have read all about where people are paying the money for treatments based on the effectiveness.

 

From my own research I personally believe that using donor sperm and freezing an embryo - rather than just freezing and egg, alone - is a better bet, success wise. It is just my own interpretation on the matter.

 

The OP should really go and read her own information of course, as I would recommend anyone does before investing so much money.

[stillafool]

As a woman who never wanted kids from an early age I can tell you that I knew having a child would ruin my life as well as theirs. I've never regretted my decision to not have children. I love my nieces and nephews tremendously but wouldn't want my own. Some people just know what they do and do not want. I would hate to be tricked into a decision I did not want.

[Leigh 87]

Exactly. The OP needs to speak to an RE, not someone on an internet forum and make an educated decision as to what HER best option is. Your statement about not freezing eggs may not at all apply to her and her health.

 

The thing is, a lot of "specialists" will just say to do whatever earns them the most money.

 

It is one of those things, like diets: Just as many professionals will recommend the Keto diet as the other 50% who will hate it. Same goes for fertility treatments... MANY different specialists just do things differently, there is NO one thing that they ALL agree on....

 

So spending time in forums with women who have no vested interest is a great way to really see what works well and what doesn't. A lot of specialists will not truly paint the whole picture and they have different beliefs anyway, it is not a one size fits all approach.

 

I actually urge the OP to get to seeing specialists before she is quite ready to go through with it all, to see a few different ones and get a feel of what different specialists say. Getting a second or even a third opinion is crucial when it comes to eggs, fertility and fertility treatments..... It is like finding a good therapist - same training, different approaches and different results for the same patient.....

 

A lot of women have told me that their specialist warned them that egg freezing has a low success rate and that doctors are not entirely honest with patients about their odds. Yet just as many people swear by the procedure giving them children and being successful.

 

Egg freezing is widely written about online too. Experts give opinions. You will find just as many against egg freezing as those who advocate it.

 

The OP should therefore do her own research and NOT just trust the one professional she sees.....It really is one of those areas where there are a lot of differing opinions.

 

But my opinion from reading the facts so far, are that egg freezing helps young women about to go through cancer treatment as it gives them SOME hope. Where as older women are best just go to IVF with donor sperm and get it over with - as I personally would not want to be pregnant and carry in my 40s. But that is just me.

[Lost1981]

Thank you for the advices about egg freezing. I will do some research and ask different doctors. I know that a lot of clinics are interested in making money...I also know that sometimes they reject you so you don't ruin their statistics

 

Right now I try to be more balanced. My body is a mess. So any advice on how to be more peaceful are appreciated.

[stillafool]

Working out, take a hot bath, yoga, getting together with friends, meditation and prayer is a good start toward gaining peace.

[Els]

I knew he probably wouldn't change his mind, but some men do. And you hear all that "men won't be ready before the child is acutally there" and "men sometimes need a little push" and "if he loves you, he would want to have children with you" and "he will love the child, when it's there" etc. It's easy to get confused. But I have learned now that you should really listen to what men say.

 

From my observation, men who explicitly say they don't want kids are relatively rare, so you should absolutely believe it when they say it. Men are more likely to be neutral than women are, true - that's probably where those statements are coming from. But they only apply to men who are neutral and would go either way. Your ex was most certainly not neutral.

 

The good news is that, as I said, such men are rare IMO, so it's likely that any other man you meet would at least be neutral. I'm a woman who doesn't want kids (so no need for them to lie to me) and I've only ever managed to pair up with men who are neutral. I'm OK with that, but it does make me wonder where all these men who apparently DON'T want kids are, because I haven't really met any of them.

 

I think women are more likely to feel strongly either way. Which makes sense to me because our lives are affected much more profoundly by it, for good or bad.

 

 

By no other alternative I meant that he wasn't open to that he would love the child when it's born and will not regret it. He just said to himself that a child would ruin his life. Period. He didn't KNOW if it would ruin his life, and he didn't want to change that mind set. That's what I mean by no alternative.

I don't understand your train of thought here. Having a child is an irreversible decision. You don't make these kind of decisions on the off-chance that "you don't know if it will be that bad....". Even if there was a 50% chance that he'd change his mind, would you really want him to go ahead with it? What happens when he doesn't change his mind?

[basil67]

I also know that sometimes they reject you so you don't ruin their statistics

 

To be fair, if a woman is likely to 'ruin their statistics', it means there's a low probability of success. In situations such as this, it would be highly unethical to take them on without being transparent about the costs vs odds.

[assertives]

Some people know exactly what they want or do not want and don't need to waste energy, time and effort to try it out to prove to themselves and others that they were right all along.

 

Having a child is a HUGE and irreversible investment. It's a rest of your life (or miserable life) kind of thing. Not something you want to take a chance on especially when you are pretty darn sure you don't want them. You can't exactly return the kid if it doesn't work out and you end up hating and resenting that kid for stealing your life for the rest of yours and the kid's life.

[Lost1981]

I'm so tired of the one step forward two steps back. I have felt ok this week, but yesterday and today are awful. The thought that it's over is driving me crazy...I miss everything, our daily life, our holidays. It's like I only remember the good things right now...what a terrible phase!

 

I can't give up my dream and besides he's moving to a new place next month, so getting back together is not possible no matter what. But sometimes I feel like I can't live without him. The pain is so overwhelming.

[Inspire]

I mostly agree with Elswyth, a lot of men tend to be very neutral. I also think that age does play a factor too and that hasn't been discussed.

 

If you meet a guy who is 40 and doesn't already have kids, how does that affect their desire to want to have them. Let's face it, having kids when your 40, isn't the same as having a child when you're in your 20's or even your 30's. Unfortunately, that is another hurdle some have to face when deciding yes, or no to the ultimate question.

 

Have you thought about how you would feel dating someone with children? I'd imagine having your own would be the best possible outcome but is helping to raise someone else's child something that interests you?

[stillafool]

I'm so tired of the one step forward two steps back. I have felt ok this week, but yesterday and today are awful. The thought that it's over is driving me crazy...I miss everything, our daily life, our holidays. It's like I only remember the good things right now...what a terrible phase!

 

I can't give up my dream and besides he's moving to a new place next month, so getting back together is not possible no matter what. But sometimes I feel like I can't live without him. The pain is so overwhelming.

 

Every time he enters your mind try replacing it with the face of the baby you want. That might help. What you are feeling is a normal part of the break up process. Just keep moving forward.

[Lost1981]

I mostly agree with Elswyth, a lot of men tend to be very neutral. I also think that age does play a factor too and that hasn't been discussed.

 

If you meet a guy who is 40 and doesn't already have kids, how does that affect their desire to want to have them. Let's face it, having kids when your 40, isn't the same as having a child when you're in your 20's or even your 30's. Unfortunately, that is another hurdle some have to face when deciding yes, or no to the ultimate question.

 

Have you thought about how you would feel dating someone with children? I'd imagine having your own would be the best possible outcome but is helping to raise someone else's child something that interests you?

 

Before my ex I tried to avoid men with children. I thought I couldn't handle being a stepmom. I don't know about now...I guess it will be hard to find a man over 40 who hasn't children, so it is something I have to deal with if/when I start dating again.

[Lost1981]

Every time he enters your mind try replacing it with the face of the baby you want. That might help. What you are feeling is a normal part of the break up process. Just keep moving forward.

 

Thank you. The baby is my biggest and only motivator now. But I still miss him and it still hurts so much that sometimes I don't know how I will survive. I feel like I had to give up my dream of a relationship, a wedding etc., because I want a baby. I'm so sad that I couldn't have both a loving husband and children. I worry so much about the future