He left, because I want children

[Els]

Well, if he does, it would probably be because she "ooopsed" him. And she's still have a nonfather and no one to help with the kids.

 

 

This is true. There isn't really much difference between having an uninvolved partner, and being a single mum. The only difference is that in the latter case, you get to choose the donor sperm, and you still have the chance of finding an involved stepfather.

[Mrs._December]

I try not to blame him, but at the same time you hear about men who don't want children with one women, but want them with another. I can't help taking this personal. I'm scared he'll find a younger woman some day and have children with her. I know I shouldn't torture myself with these thoughts, but it's hard not to.

Yeah, I saw a lot of that when I was doing online dating.

 

Men who were over 50 years old and newly divorced - with two or three kids all under the age of 6. The ones I talked to (and turned down) were just like your ex boyfriend - they went through life not wanting to have kids and then at the 11th hour, decided to find themselves a younger wife so they could spit out a litter of their progeny. I wanted no part of dealing with child custody schedules and constant cancelled plans at the last minute and angry ex wives and custody battles and kid drama and everything else. Oh HELL no.

 

If he does end up having kids late in life, it will probably be when he's getting up in his 40's, not so much right now. You won't care by then, you'll already have your own.

[Lost1981]

 

If he does end up having kids late in life, it will probably be when he's getting up in his 40's, not so much right now. You won't care by then, you'll already have your own.

 

I hope you're right (about the last part).

 

Today has been a hard day. I feel lonely and I miss him. I hope he's hurting too. It just feels unfair...he got what he wanted (freedom and peace) while I have nothing. He didn't even seem upset when he left. He just looked foreward to live on his own.

[stillafool]

You shouldn't be angry with him. And you shouldn't ever try to get someone who doesn't want kids to have them. That's only thinking of yourself, not the welfare of the child. A father who didn't want the kids to begin with? Bad choice for a father, and you'd have been left with ALL the work and childrearing. I always hear about that biological clock thing, but I never got it. I never wanted kids or had them on my life plan, but I kept hearing that I'd change my mind and kept an open mind, but nope, never felt any of that biological clock stuff. I've always thought that must be more about being surrounded by your old friends and relatives who all have kids and won't stop asking why you don't and feeling left out, but I was lucky no one in my inner circle ever tried to make me feel like a failure for not having them, because they know me too well.

 

Same here preraph, never wanted them and no regrets to this day. Some women really want children and those who did but don't have them always feel somewhat empty without them and full of regret. So if you really want children remember you can get another man but there's a short window for a child. Go towards your goal.

[preraph]

There's a lot more men out there who want kids than don't, so it's really just up to you to know when to walk on someone who doesn't. But keep in mind, there are hardly ANY men out there who want to be rushed into it just because your clock is ticking. Chill out and move at the normal pace. Rushing into have a kid with someone you haven't known long enough is just as bad as having them with someone who doesn't want them, almost.

[Lost1981]

There's a lot more men out there who want kids than don't, so it's really just up to you to know when to walk on someone who doesn't. But keep in mind, there are hardly ANY men out there who want to be rushed into it just because your clock is ticking. Chill out and move at the normal pace. Rushing into have a kid with someone you haven't known long enough is just as bad as having them with someone who doesn't want them, almost.

 

Yes, I know. That's why I will try to have one on my own. I just hope it's still possible. I don't know what I'll do if it turns out I can't have children. I can't get back together with my ex no matter what. He wants to be on his own.

[healing light]

It makes no sense to be mad at him if you were unsure if you even wanted them at the start. You changed your mind, he didn't change his.

 

Let's pretend for a moment that this man stayed and bore your children. He'd probably always secretly resent you and that may reflect in his parenting or the children would pick up on it subconsciously and develop a complex.

 

Let's pretend you stayed together and you didn't have children. Now you'd probably always be saddled with some kind of regret or resentment towards him for closing that option.

 

As painful as it is, this is the best case scenario. If you don't want the child without the family and don't want to be a single mother (we all get that's not ideal), perhaps it's the life you envisioned that you want more so than the kid.

 

Also, be aware of romanticizing this situation. There may have been other issues contributing to the breakup that you aren't aware of and the child issue is just the biggest one that eclipses the others or allows him to keep from the discussing the others in the context of the breakup. I get the strong feeling from what you've written that there is more to this story than just the kids, particularly if he is looking so forward to living on his own and didn't even seem emotional as he's leaving.

 

Weigh your options carefully. I do also echo the other posters to take things slowly and get to know a man before you consider having children. Don't pass by red flags just because you want to hit the end goal. And yes, I think many men even if they want children will not want to feel an artificial timeline on hitting certain milestones in the relationship before they happen organically. So I would be upfront with anyone that you date within the first few dates that you want XYZ (marriage and kids) and find out their dating goals, too, to ensure you're on the same page but then approach each relationship as if you would any other one in terms of evaluating the man as a suitable life partner.

[Lost1981]

Also, be aware of romanticizing this situation. There may have been other issues contributing to the breakup that you aren't aware of and the child issue is just the biggest one that eclipses the others or allows him to keep from the discussing the others in the context of the breakup. I get the strong feeling from what you've written that there is more to this story than just the kids, particularly if he is looking so forward to living on his own and didn't even seem emotional as he's leaving.

 

 

You're right about that. There's more to it. He's a bit of a loner and it hasn't been easy for him to live with someone/me. He needs a lot of time on his own and even though I'm more social and out of the house several nights a week, it wasn't enough.

 

I'm blaming myself. I think that had I been different he would have wanted to have children with me. I do think a man can change his mind for the right woman and it hurts that I wasn't the right one. This makes it extra hard for me to cope with. I feel rejected, unloved, wrong and not good enough.

[Els]

 

I'm blaming myself. I think that had I been different he would have wanted to have children with me. I do think a man can change his mind for the right woman and it hurts that I wasn't the right one. This makes it extra hard for me to cope with. I feel rejected, unloved, wrong and not good enough.

 

 

As a woman who does not want kids, I assure you that this is untrue. Some of us just DO NOT WANT KIDS. Please stop assuming that desiring kids is the default state of being, that everyone would be in if they were with the "right partner". That's like a man telling a lesbian that they "just haven't met the right man"....

 

 

 

It is not impossible that I may change my mind in the future, but that would be caused by a change of my own mindset or the spark of a desire I have never felt before, nothing to do with the person I am with. My husband is a fantastic man, a wonderful provider, and could be a great father. He is open to having children if I wanted them (although it is not a need for him the way it is for you). I just don't want them.

[Lost1981]

As a woman who does not want kids, I assure you that this is untrue. Some of us just DO NOT WANT KIDS. Please stop assuming that desiring kids is the default state of being, that everyone would be in if they were with the "right partner". That's like a man telling a lesbian that they "just haven't met the right man"....

 

 

 

It is not impossible that I may change my mind in the future, but that would be caused by a change of my own mindset or the spark of a desire I have never felt before, nothing to do with the person I am with. My husband is a fantastic man, a wonderful provider, and could be a great father. He is open to having children if I wanted them (although it is not a need for him the way it is for you). I just don't want them.

 

 

 

You're probably right. I had just hoped that being with me, who wants to have children, would "change his mindset or spark a desire". It hurts that it's so important for him not to have kids that he's willing to lose me.

 

I know I shouldn't dwell on this. There's nothing I can do but try to accept the facts and try to move on and hope it's not too late for me.

[healing light]

Hey Lost,

 

I'm with Elswyth on this one. I didn't like kids when I was a kid. I grew up in a caretaking role, didn't really have much of a childhood. The kids around me were quite rude and I perceived them as very transparent mean liars. Haha.

 

Now, I'm cool to babysit kids. And then give them back to the real parents, haha. But I've never had the desire to bear them myself. I have always told people that I lean toward not wanting them and I'm unsure if having the "right man" come along would change that. I just say never say never because you don't know what life will bring, but honestly I don't know that my mentality around them will change in time for my childbearing years.

 

It's kind of funny because in real life I can be quite nurturing to people like a mother but just never had that strong independent desire for kids that many other women talk about. I feel like I would hate to see them get hurt by the world and many other things that are out of your control as a parent.

 

So I can assure you that I really don't think it's personal in this case with this man. He's just not in the right mindset and maybe will never be.

[Els]

You're probably right. I had just hoped that being with me, who wants to have children, would "change his mindset or spark a desire". It hurts that it's so important for him not to have kids that he's willing to lose me.

 

I know I shouldn't dwell on this. There's nothing I can do but try to accept the facts and try to move on and hope it's not too late for me.

 

 

If I may ask, out of personal curiosity, what is it that makes you desire children so strongly? Especially as the woman, being the one having to undergo pregnancy, labour, risk of complications/death, and the postpartum effects. And with a partner who's on the fence, which means you'd also be the primary childcarer, possibly while still working full-time.

 

 

What is it that makes you still want to have kids, in spite of all of that?

[assertives]

Well, I am a woman who is a year younger than you. I am also one of those who don't want kids. In part because I can't see myself as a parent, and in part because I don't want to bring children into this broken world to suffer. If someone right comes along, I too may say maybe to the topic of children, but it's not in the mindset of if he's the right one, but solely in the mindset of in life never say never, and getting pregnant accidentally. The reasons people have for not wanting kids are usually quite a personal and internal one. And it's not something that can be changed by being in love with someone who wants kids.

 

If I met someone who really wants kids badly, I would let that person go too, because I feel it will be too selfish of me to hold him back.

[Inspire]

Your story sounds a lot like my own. I don’t know the intricacies of your relationship, but what I can tell you is that regardless of what you think, or what your friends or family may have told you; this has nothing to do with love. Afterall, one could also say that if you loved him enough “you could do without”. He didn’t get what he wanted, you both lost.

 

His decision could have been out of love for you. I didn’t want my relationship to end, but I didn’t want her to regret me, or use up whatever little time she had left to pursue her dream of being a mother.

[Lost1981]

If I may ask, out of personal curiosity, what is it that makes you desire children so strongly? Especially as the woman, being the one having to undergo pregnancy, labour, risk of complications/death, and the postpartum effects. And with a partner who's on the fence, which means you'd also be the primary childcarer, possibly while still working full-time.

 

 

What is it that makes you still want to have kids, in spite of all of that?

 

 

It's hard to explain. Most of it is something biological. The desire to have children has grown bigger as I'm growing older. I wanted a familiy, not just a child, and at some point I thought that I don't want to have a child on my own. Now it's an urge I just can't stop. I know I want to be a mother.

 

I'm not idealizing it. I know being a single mother or also have a child with a man is really hard. I know it will change my life and there will be a lot of confusing moments. But I believe it's worth it.

 

I don't think it's really answering your question, but I can't explain it otherwise

[Lost1981]

Don't know if anyone is still reading here. I'm still struggling and yesterday I missed him so much that I almost broke NC and wanted to beg him to give it another chance. Luckily I cried it out and didn't contact him. I know contacting him wont change anything and he hasn't contacted me either. Today I feel a bit better and haven't cried (yet).

 

 

I've made plans for the weekend, meeting friends and planned to read some books and hopefully I can keep myself occupied.

[assertives]

Yes, keep yourself busy. Perhaps also do some volunteering at a hospital, old folks home or an animal shelter. Would take your mind off things and put some things in perspective for you. Good that you didn't break NC, otherwise it's only going to be more painful for you.

 

Everytime you are tempted to beg him for another chance, remind yourself that it's just going to waste more time and more heartache. With him, there isn't even going to be the prospect of adopting if you can't have one your own. At least with someone else who wants kids, you could still explore adoption if it turns out you are not able to have your own. Hang in there!

[Lost1981]

Yes, keep yourself busy. Perhaps also do some volunteering at a hospital, old folks home or an animal shelter. Would take your mind off things and put some things in perspective for you. Good that you didn't break NC, otherwise it's only going to be more painful for you.

 

Everytime you are tempted to beg him for another chance, remind yourself that it's just going to waste more time and more heartache. With him, there isn't even going to be the prospect of adopting if you can't have one your own. At least with someone else who wants kids, you could still explore adoption if it turns out you are not able to have your own. Hang in there!

 

 

 

Thank you. I guess it will go up and down for a while. I miss him terribly and sometimes I feel like I'm still in denial and I just want to text him like nothing happened. I HOPE I'm not only ok today, because I haven't understood it yet. And I hope he misses me too...I can't bear to think that he's already moved on and just feel relief.

[preraph]

You could adopt a child. I have two friends who have done so. Now, having a child will make it even harder to find a man, but having no man is better than having one you rushed into having a child with. No man is going to stay with you once they find out how big a hurry you are in to have a baby with them. And yes, by the time you'd know a guy long enough to know if you want to marry, it would be at least two years, and then before that, however long it took to find one to even date.

 

So what you can do is either try to have a child on your own, or adopt one on your own, and then just give up dating because you'll be busy after that anyway until they're at least in school and even then, really. Everything is expensive, though. I googled and it looks like about $4000 to buy a stranger's sperm from a sperm bank. And that would be the cheapest of all the ways, IF it works.

[Lost1981]

You could adopt a child. I have two friends who have done so. Now, having a child will make it even harder to find a man, but having no man is better than having one you rushed into having a child with. No man is going to stay with you once they find out how big a hurry you are in to have a baby with them. And yes, by the time you'd know a guy long enough to know if you want to marry, it would be at least two years, and then before that, however long it took to find one to even date.

 

So what you can do is either try to have a child on your own, or adopt one on your own, and then just give up dating because you'll be busy after that anyway until they're at least in school and even then, really. Everything is expensive, though. I googled and it looks like about $4000 to buy a stranger's sperm from a sperm bank. And that would be the cheapest of all the ways, IF it works.

 

 

I can't adopt on my own for several reasons, but I could and will try to have a baby with a donor. That is if I'm able to have children at all.

 

I'm still so close to contacting him every five seconds. It's so hard to live without him.

[stillafool]

Why don't you see a professional to find out if you can have children rather than stressing about it. At least your mind will be at ease.

[Lost1981]

Why don't you see a professional to find out if you can have children rather than stressing about it. At least your mind will be at ease.

 

 

 

I've already planned that. I have an appointment next month.

[Lost1981]

I'm a mess today. One minute I miss him, the next I hope I'll never see him again. One minute I watch "how to get your ex back"-videos and the next I want to go on Tinder. This morning I kept thinking that he probably never loved me. That he just wanted to be on his own all along, and that he faked the whole time. And that he probably is happy now or will be very soon.

 

I don't feel like crying or contacting him, but I just want peace. I want to be happy again.

[Inspire]

All of these feelings are perfectly natural and its part of the healing process. Peace comes in time and time heals all wounds ...

[Lost1981]

All of these feelings are perfectly natural and its part of the healing process. Peace comes in time and time heals all wounds ...

 

 

 

I really hope so. I know why we can't be together, but I miss him so much that it hurts. I've never missed someone like that before. I try to focus on moving on, but I still have some stupid hope that one day (maybe if I don't get a child) we will be together again. I can't really accept it's over.