I was the other woman (EA). Should I tell his wife he's a serial cheater?

[Beakered]

How is that victim blaming?

 

 

 

<snip>

 

 

But she is stupid and oblivious if she’s not aware what a serial cheater her husband is.

JuneL, these statements are mutually exclusive.

[Beakered]

If I got an anonymous message most likely I would ignore it.

Gotcha. Thanks for clarifying. I'd try to provide evidence that would show he'd been cheating with someone, just not whom.

[CantGetEnuff]

So @Beakered, did you drop the bomb yet?

 

I'm sure we are all curious.

[stillafool]

Agreed. If I were in the BS's shoes, I'd certainly want to know. But I do realize not everyone is like me (gasp!), hence this thread. Thanks for everyone's opinions so far.

 

If this is true why didn't you tell her when you were involved with her husband? I think you are motivated by jealousy and that is why you want her to know.

[whichwayisup]

Gotcha. Thanks for clarifying. I'd try to provide evidence that would show he'd been cheating with someone, just not whom.

 

You don't want him (or her) to know you were the OW. Are you afraid of the fallout? Afraid of owning your part in the affair?

[Beakered]

So @Beakered, did you drop the bomb yet?

 

I'm sure we are all curious.

Still mulling. I'm pretty torn. Also procrastinating, because I don't want to have to deal with it. I'd rather just move on at this point, but I'm not sure that's best for everyone all around, especially the BS.

[Beakered]

If this is true why didn't you tell her when you were involved with her husband? I think you are motivated by jealousy and that is why you want her to know.

I'm trying to understand that myself. I think when you're in the throes of an affair, you're so preoccupied with that person, and your brain is so hopped up on happy chemicals, that there's no room for rational thought. But once you crashland back to reality, your brain reboots, and you face the consequences. At least that's what happened to me.

 

As for jealousy, I don't feel that now, although I did during the affair. What I feel now is regret, shame, embarrassment, guilt, and disgust. Especially since my AP turned out to be a d**che. And, yes, I'll save y'all the trouble by owning up to being a d**che too. *waves to JuneL*

[Beakered]

You don't want him (or her) to know you were the OW. Are you afraid of the fallout? Afraid of owning your part in the affair?

Yes, yes, and yes.

[bmh]

Yes, yes, and yes.

 

If you are afraid of owning your part in this and that fallout that will ensure, I’m confused as to why you are actually thinking of telling.

 

I’m not judging. Just curious.

Edited March 26, 2019 by bmh

[seren]

I know some people advocate on sending proof, but, I urge you to firstly just tell her about the A, then ask if she needs proof. If she does, be selective in what you share, no one needs reading someone else’s sext messages.

 

I was sent evidence of my husband’s affair, it arrived on a sunny morning, out of the blue, just as I was off to the hospital for chemotherapy. I burned the text messages, I already knew there had been an affair as my husband told me. The evidence was unnecessary and sent to hurt.

 

Imagine if she is about to drop her children at school or whatever, a letter comes with copies of whatever that shoves her husband’s infidelity right in her face, in her home and at a time when she will need to keep it together. It’s unnecessary, give her the option of needing evidence or not, knowing is all she needs. Believe me she will find out who you are, otherwise it will drive her crazy wondering if the stranger in the queue is the OW. If you are going to share, be honest about it, own it and be ready for a lambasting, once, after that, just let them deal with his infidelity and their marriage.

[sandylee1]

I get a real feeling of the big bad MM here, who preyed on women...when in fact the women chose to engage in an EA with him.

 

I wouldn't tell her. If it was a physical affair with multiple OW...maybe I would due to the risk of STDs.

 

For him it was probably just a bit of fun with some gullible women and if an OW told me about it, I'd see it as a case of sour grapes and her and the rest of the OW being sucked in due to their own naivety...and only telling me because she sees herself as a victim....which would piss me off even more.

[Beakered]

If you are afraid of owning your part in this and that fallout that will ensure, IÂ’m confused as to why you are actually thinking of telling.

 

IÂ’m not judging. Just curious.

Most people don't seem to believe me, but I'm trying to do the right thing now (as opposed to the wrong thing--which was engaging in an EA). I'm just trying to figure out what the right thing is (whether to tell his wife).

[Beakered]

I know some people advocate on sending proof, but, I urge you to firstly just tell her about the A, then ask if she needs proof. If she does, be selective in what you share, no one needs reading someone else’s sext messages.

 

I was sent evidence of my husband’s affair, it arrived on a sunny morning, out of the blue, just as I was off to the hospital for chemotherapy. I burned the text messages, I already knew there had been an affair as my husband told me. The evidence was unnecessary and sent to hurt.

 

Imagine if she is about to drop her children at school or whatever, a letter comes with copies of whatever that shoves her husband’s infidelity right in her face, in her home and at a time when she will need to keep it together. It’s unnecessary, give her the option of needing evidence or not, knowing is all she needs. Believe me she will find out who you are, otherwise it will drive her crazy wondering if the stranger in the queue is the OW. If you are going to share, be honest about it, own it and be ready for a lambasting, once, after that, just let them deal with his infidelity and their marriage.

Thanks so much for this, seren; this is exactly the type of advice I'm seeking. I'm sorry you had to go through this during such a difficult time. If I tell her, I'll be as sensitive about it as I can, and, yes, it's a good idea to give her the option of proof. No one wants that shoved in their face. The last thing I want to do is cause her more grief.

[Beakered]

I get a real feeling of the big bad MM here, who preyed on women...when in fact the women chose to engage in an EA with him.

Well, TBH, I believe it was both.

I wouldn't tell her. If it was a physical affair with multiple OW...maybe I would due to the risk of STDs.

Fair enough.

 

For him it was probably just a bit of fun with some gullible women and if an OW told me about it, I'd see it as a case of sour grapes and her and the rest of the OW being sucked in due to their own naivety...and only telling me because she sees herself as a victim....which would piss me off even more.

Okay, thanks for your input. Good to get another viewpoint on it.

[stillafool]

I get a real feeling of the big bad MM here, who preyed on women...when in fact the women chose to engage in an EA with him.

 

I wouldn't tell her. If it was a physical affair with multiple OW...maybe I would due to the risk of STDs.

 

For him it was probably just a bit of fun with some gullible women and if an OW told me about it, I'd see it as a case of sour grapes and her and the rest of the OW being sucked in due to their own naivety...and only telling me because she sees herself as a victim....which would piss me off even more.

 

The truth and I agree. Because it is multiple women it will carry less weight than one specific woman because then he might be in love. Multiple women says he was just playing around and will probably get a slap on the wrist followed by a warning. It's funny how it's always the fault of the big bad MM that the women made bad choices as if they have no brain whatsoever in their heads.

[Iris17]

I wouldn't tell her. What do you think it will do if you tell her ? And are you telling her to destroy him to get back at him? Or is it really for the wife's sake?

 

I think the wife probably knows or is suspicious. And if she didn't and you tell her , you dont think he would make up stories and lies so she can forgive him? He will say you are a stalker or a crazy woman who is after him. Hthey live together he has all the time in the world to make up excuses and lies and tries to win her back. And she will probably believe him as she wants to save the family.

 

Save yourself and get out that's the best revenge. Consider yourself lucky that you knew he's a manipulator and plays people and you got out. What happens to him and his family is not your business. If you tell her or not you won't save the family either way. He's already cheating on her even without you involved.

[chillii]

Just getting my head around you blowing up your own marriage for all the same reasons , yet somehow he's the bad man.

Well yeah he is , but your no better.

Seems a bit of the pot calling the kettle black revenge to me.