Why is it so difficult to get over a Narcissist

[Watercolors]

I've been friends with them (men and women). Have dated them. But each time, as soon a my spidey sense detects narcissism, I end the connection with that person...sometimes too late b/c they have infected my life's other social relationships, my reputation with hobbies, with work. They are insidious. They disguise themselves like normal people...wolves in sheep's clothing. Still, I think I can detect them but I can't: they still fool me. Why? Does it mean a pat of myself hasn't fully healed? I've done therapy. I've read the books. But that doesn't help me escape the narcissist's grip.

 

I found a helpful thread on Quora about it.

[amaysngrace]

It’s difficult because they’ve drained you of the best parts of your identity. That’s what I’ve realized, anyway.

 

You’re most likely a kind and caring soul. They’re drawn to empathetic people like a moth to a flame. Sometimes I wish I were more like them to avoid it bothering me but then I quickly change my mind.

 

I’d still rather be like me.

[Watercolors]

I agree. They're definitely emotional vampires. And they truly lack the ability to empathize and have a grandiose sense of entitlement.

 

I wonder why Narcs and Empaths are so drawn to each other.

 

Narcs can't emotionally connect -- not really. They are great con arts who tell you exactly what you want to hear, and they can mimic emotional empathy really well.

 

And Empaths want to take care of everyone around them. You'd think we Empaths would avoid Narcs like the plague, b/c all they contribute to one's life is entertainment: they are very funny, very charming, and the life of the party. Everyone loves Narcissists. But the reality they create around themselves is totally false. And social media seems to help them maintain their false self.

[Mr. Lucky]

I wonder why Narcs and Empaths are so drawn to each other.

 

The answer seems obvious - there's clearly a synergy there, even if it's a negative one.

 

Narcs need a sympathetic ear and someone who's subjective - rather than objective - in their response. Empaths are often drawn to needy people, with narcissists presenting a veritable banquet of possibilities. Two Narcs wouldn't last 30 minutes together, no one to take advantage of...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Watercolors]

It's a toxic synergy though, b/c it only benefits the Narcissist, not the Empath. The Empath gets victimized whereas the Narcissists gets entertained and "fed."

Edited March 14, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Ronni_W]

And Empaths want to take care of everyone around them.

This is actually at the root of why people who are very empathetic, helpful, compassionate end up in close relationships with people who are very selfish, entitled, narcissistic.

(People who are empathetic may also, but not necessarily, be empaths {having the paranormal ability to apprehend the mental or emotional state of another individual}.)

 

For the empathetic/compassionate, the 'lesson' is about learning to set proper, psychologically healthy, self-caring boundaries, which is going to be most difficult to do with full-blown narcissists,

so they're actually going to be our best 'teachers' to help us learn our lesson the fastest.

[Watercolors]

I think most empathic people definitely have a deeper intuitive ability than most. Almost like, you can sense the other person's thoughts and moods. So, I definitely agree with you there.

 

To your second point; I think you hit the nail on the head. At least in my case. I think that's probably why I continue to attract narcs into my life -- to teach me to set proper, psychologically healthy, self-caring boundaries.

 

I think once I finally learn how to do that without having to defer to resources, then it will stop being a problem for me and I'll be able to be friends with Narcs, and successfully avoid getting into romantic relationships with one.

 

Thanks for pointing out how these types of people are our best 'teachers.' That puts it into perspective for me now.

Edited March 14, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[basil67]

Take a step backwards for a minute. True narcissists aren't really that common, so it seems extraordinary that you've met so many and from all walks of your life. What do you think is going on here?

[Ronni_W]

Glad I could help.

 

I think once I finally learn how to do that without having to defer to resources,

It can take a while to undo years or decades of the garbage psychological programming to which we've all been subjected...but also don't sell yourself short! Because...

 

When you start to think about, you probably already might not need to refer to external resources as much as you think. .

(If you want to test it, see if you can 'think up' or write a few paragraphs on 'healthy boundaries'...bet you'll do much better than you thought. .)

[Watercolors]

I agree with you Ronni_W that it can take years to undo all the garbage of psychological programming created by relationships with narcs.

 

I will definitely start a reflection journal for myself, when I have these encounters with narcissists. I agree with you that it will help me reflect on how far I've come (or need to improve) on what I do to set healthy boundaries with these toxic personalities.

Edited March 14, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator