Tell me if im wrong but ....

[MAINMAN1]

Why is it that I work all week, Get the kids and my girl up for the day EVERY morning, make lunches, pick the kids up from school 50% of the time (I have a mobile job that allows) and contribute significantly to the advertising legwork of our home based business, yet when I try to bring up in discussion the fact that I have absolutley no time to myself because of the above factors and the loads of never-ending house work (she seems to always take credit for doing - but rarely seems to get done) that I find my evenings/weekends consumed with, she gets defensive and starts making these baseless statements about how I spend my time and how selfish I am?

It seems no matter how delicate I am in bringing these things up she still gets all upset about being (in my view) called on it? And why does it seem like the more I do to 'contribute' (and I understand how women require More than just paying the bills and providing a very comfortable lifestyle from their men to feel supported ) the less gets done around the house?

And one more "why" - why is it that when my girl and I have sex and I take great care to see to it that she gets more than one (3 to be exact)orgasm(S) before I finish, that she then is so satisfied that we dont have sex again for at least three days, sometimes longer. Im not obsessed with sex but three days or longer between is a little thiin for my needs - I understand 'Two Times Daily' cant happen for eternity in a real relationship or even one time daily... but shouldnt it be like, the better it is - the more frequent we have it?

[Lil Honey]

I can't answer WHY, but if you make up a schedule of who does which chores when and tack in on the fridge, you may not have to bring up the subject again.

 

I can't comment on your sex life, since I'm not her. Her need to do it is just different than yours. She could be faking. She might think if it's good for you, you won't need it so often and you are feeling just the opposite. I dunno.

[JadeStar]

Well as far as her getting defensive when you bring up the topic about all the things you do etc, maybe she feels shes threatned because she knows shes not pulling her weight in certain areas of the relaltionship. Its her way of transferring her guilty feelings of not doing her part over on to you. Not saying thats the case, but possible. As far as the sex goes, maybe shes just not as into it as you are or she feels its not on the top of her priority list. If her not doing her part around the house etc isn't on her priority list,why should she feel she needs to do her part in the bedroom as well. Talk with her, tell her how you feel. Ask her why the sex is infruequent.

 

 

 

Jade

[MAINMAN1]

Hmmmm, I see your point about if shes not feeling like its necisary for do her part in one area then why do it others.

Im pretty sure shes not faking it because she did comment to me the next day about hew we 'really connected last night' and during she even said 'im comming...im comming'.<---- (embarasing to type).

If its true that she is directing her feelings of guilt towards me then I feel pretty upset that rather than do something about it when I have brought it up previously, she'd sooner just turn on me and say disrespectful or hurtfull things. In fact - what does that mean about her feelings towards me if she would rather fire back a response than step up efforts the next day or week or whatever on the things I've brought up? Or am I taking things too far in my own mind? Maybe by allowing it to go on like this im asking for this kind of treatment ..... But im the type of person who can remain calm and level headed to a point but when my boundaries are crossed I just get real cold and matter-of-fact and I dont want to say or do anything that would cause more harm than good.

I need more of what I would call support in the form of her using her home time mmore wisely - cleaning during our kids' school day, etc. But I dont really know how to ask. Nor do I know what to do about the other resentfull feelings I develop surrounding this issue IE respect, feelings of her not supporting me, etc.

[Woggle]

Don't do a thing for a week except for the kids and make her realize what she would be missing.

[MAINMAN1]

I have tried that and things just build and build. The laundry stacks up, The dishes get worse ... Its terrible and I dont really want to end up getting fed up and digging myself out of mountains of dishes again.

[JadeStar]

Sounds like she is taking you for granted and wanting a free ride, so to speak. Meaning she stands by and watches you do everything, while she does nothing but take credit for what you've done, become defensive when you talk with her about etc. Classic feelings of guilt on her part because shes not pulling her weight. You would think sometimes that guilt alone would make people change but for some it doesn't do a thing for them. I think shes taking you for granted because you seem to be the one to always do most of the things that need to be done. I say pull back from some of those things, still have a talk with her, and after a time of her seeing you're not doing some things anymore, if she doesn't get the hint and start to do her part, then maybe you need to rethink why you're in the relationship.

 

 

Jade

[Chimerical]

Couple of things I wanted to say in response to this.

 

Defensive communication isn't always about "guilt".

 

I'm a "defensive communicator". A couple of things that have helped me to change my behavior. My partner is wise enough to know when I start becoming defensive (body posture, gestures, or words). He immediately will state, "You're becoming defensive. We can't discuss this unless you are willing to listen first." I don't realize I become that way, but when he brings it to the open, I immediately take a deep breath and am able to see all sides better.

 

Seems to me that the problem is that you are feeling taken for granted in this relationship. And you feel you're giving far more then she is. Does she feel she is giving to the relationship 50/50? And what does she need from you that you aren't giving? Hard to do when the other person becomes defensive all the time.

 

Her (baseless) statement about how you spend your time, is a good place to start. Maybe it's logical to you about why you aren't spending as much time with her, but to her it's making her feel unloved and unappreciated. Things start slacking around the house. Now you're arguing all the time and she's hearing you tell her that she's either lazy, or a pig. (not that you'd say this, but maybe this is what she's "hearing")

 

Now you want more time away from her, and she can't understand why. If you aren't spending quality time with her now, then a conclusion would be that you don't love her as much, or don't enjoy being around her like you used to.

 

Are you spending quality time with her? Other than having sex? Cause I know, although I love sex, it's not the same as curling up on the couch with my guy and having him hold me.

 

So if you're affection toward her has tapered off, you want more time away from her, and you are finding fault in how she spends her entire day.... I'm sure she's feeling really happy and wanting to "jump to" do the housework to show her appreciation toward you.

 

As far as the sex and orgasams go.... I know if I come more than once at a time then it takes me a couple days before I'm feeling "in the mood" again. Kind of like it overloads my body or something, and it can't handle another round until it recuperates. Maybe I'm just weird. I actually have a really hard coming if we have sex the next night afterward. If I orgasam at all.

 

Obviously your unhappy and feeling taken for granted, but I don't believe an ultimatum will do any good. There are underlying issues that you aren't looking at. She's saying why she feels a certain way, and you brush it aside with words like "baseless". You may feel they are, but does she? Probably not.

 

Arguments in marriage are two sided. Both parties share blame. Don't demand change from your partner without being willing to offer something in return.

A crude analogy:

Say that your women gave great bj's, and you absolutely loved them. but after awhile she stopped doing them... so you stop giving her back rubs like you used to... but if she had come to you and offered an alternative to bj's for a while, this wouldn't make you feel so confused and frustrated. For instance, instead of bj's she offers "something else you enjoy sexually" as an alternative. Your hurt feelings, or confusion, or feeling as if your partner didn't care, wouldn't come about because she still is attempting to please you, but in a different way. Assuming you agree it's an equal alternative or at least close.

 

The point is: Something each of you enjoy has been removed, what are both of you willing to offer in return. You're still getting sex on a pretty regular basis, what's she getting? Scolded, hounded, and left alone, and told you want more time alone.

 

Take it all with a grain of salt. I don't know the inner workings of your relationship, or the dynamics of eveything. I'm offering an opinion that you are free to take or leave.

[lilmoma1973]

Hey Man man,

You do more than my h does!! I am a sahm and h thinks that when he walks in the door his job ends and my job is neverending untill my head hits the pillow...I have to agree with Jade she is feeling guilty for not pulling her weight!! Do you both work ?