Diet for 2?

[somebodysomewheres]

My husband and I have been together for almost 5 years, married for almost 1. In that time, he and I have both gained a fair amount of weight. We also got married AND moved across the country in less than 6 months’ time. Both of our new jobs are very stressful and demanding, and I have been working 10-13 hour days at mine for almost 2 months now. I’ve never been more stressed at a job or drowning in so much debt in my personal life. I’m determined to excel in my new career though, so I’ve become incredibly focused and driven towards that goal with many of the other stressors in my life, like my weight, not really bothering me right now. My husband is much farther in his career than I am right now, so I don’t feel like he understands my sense of urgency to pick up the pace in my own professional pursuits.

 

My husband, on the other hand, has really been struggling with his weight lately. Whereas I’ve kind of been maintaining my weight for a couple of years now, he’s gained more this past year and is the heaviest he’s ever been. He’s been bugging me for months to go on the Whole 30 diet with him, which we did together to some success once right before our wedding. I’ve been putting it off because I didn’t think I could stick to it while working the crazy hours I’ve been working. I finally agreed to do it with him a couple of weeks ago though. We agreed to do a “modified” Whole 30 where we would allow ourselves some concessions rather than trying to adhere to every rigid guideline of the diet. We allow ourselves gin, lime and la croix cocktails. We also talked about allowing ourselves the occasional dessert (but so far we haven’t done it). We also decided not to get too crazy about using the occasional “unacceptable” condiment such as sriracha and not to go out of our way to find things like sugarless bacon and sausage. Except for the sriracha, he’s the one who made the decisions about the rest of these “concessions.” I’ve mostly just been going along to get along.

 

At the beginning of our diet, we had a conversation about legumes. We remembered that they weren’t “allowed” on Whole 30 and then read an article about how much that doesn’t really make sense given how good beans are for you. I was under the impression after that conversation that we had decided not to adhere to that aspect of the diet as well, so one night after an 11 hour day at work, I grabbed a chicken bowl from District Taco by my work to eat when I got home. It was almost 10pm when I got there. I was exhausted, starving and just needed to fill the hole as quickly as possible. I hadn’t gotten my usual rice or sour cream or cheese. It was just chicken, black beans, pico and guac. I also got my usual 3 different kinds of salsa to spice it up. It was a pretty sad bowl TBH, but I was happy to start eating it next to my husband on the couch when I got home. As I began to pour in the salsas, he said, “well, we don’t really know what’s in those.” I said, “I don’t care. I’m starving and this adds a lot to this sad bowl.” If he could decide not to care about sugar in certain meats, why couldn’t I decide not to care about possible sugar in those tiny 4 oz salsa cups? After I ate, he pointed out that it had had beans in it. Confused, I said that I thought “we” had decided that beans were fine. He said that he didn’t think we had actually decided anything about it for sure. I said that I had been incredibly hungry, and without beans that bowl would have just been chicken and some sauces. I didn’t understand why me eating beans was a big deal if it was still a much healthier meal than I would have otherwise eaten.

 

That’s when we had our first fight about the diet. He declared that he wasn’t going to eat beans. I said that was fine, but I would like to eat beans because that article I shared with him had really convinced me that cutting out beans wasn’t actually going to be beneficial to us. He said he didn’t feel like I was supporting him. I asked him why me deciding to take a slightly different path than his while still fully championing him on his path equalled me not being supportive. He then told me for the first time just how self conscious he’s felt about his weight lately. He really doesn’t like his body these days. He really just wants to feel supported by me in his weight loss efforts. I told him I was sorry, I hadn’t realized how much he was struggling with his weight. I told him that I want him to feel supported and that I don’t have any desire to thwart his weight loss goals. I said I still didn’t understand why me eating beans in my own individual meal was unsupportive, but I’m super cool with eating whatever he wants to eat when we’re together. We kind of left it there.

 

Over the past couple of weeks, he’s been doing the weekly meal prep. (He always has, our entire relationship. I’m not much of a cook.) And he’s been making all Whole 30 meals. I’ve been eating them with him. I take them with me to work. I never suggest that we eat an unhealthy late night snack. I never try to get us to “cheat.” I’ve been very cool about adhering to this diet. When I’m with him. But when cookies or candy would appear at work, I would help myself. I even had a Coke once. (Gasp!) He wasn’t around, what would he care? He’s not the boss of me anyway. I was doing the diet while I was with him, but at work I was so ****ing stressed all day long, just trying to keep my head above water with my insane workload and rude clients. If I wanted to eat a brownie when he wasn’t around, what did it matter? So I did it, and I didn’t even feel guilty about it. (Which is very unlike me because I’m super prone to guilt.) I felt like it was my best play. He very clearly had told me that he needed me to do the diet with him in order to feel like I supported him in his efforts. I needed to not be forced into a rigid plan that someone else had decided for me. I also needed to not be in a fight with him about it because that would only make my home life an additional stressor in my already very stressful life. I’ve never been in the habit of lying to my husband, but I felt like I was stuck between a rock and hard place. Doing the diet part time was the best scenario I felt I had available to me.

 

Then, yesterday, my husband asked me if I wanted to have a cheat day and get popcorn when we went to the movies that night. I said, sure. It was his idea after all, and he was the Boss of the Diet. We had already decided that we would stop our diet on St. Patty’s day, so I figured that just meant we were stopping a little earlier. Whatever, I was only doing it for him anyway. So we shared a popcorn and a coke and then went out afterwards for a couple of beers. It was a nice evening.

 

Fast forward to grocery shopping today. We were filling the grocery cart, and he saw that I had put a box of granola bars in the cart. He gestured at them like he was upset. I asked him what the problem was? They were for my desk at work for when I had an occasional emergency need for some food. Why did he care? I thought we were done with the diet anyway. He said that we aren’t done. We were just going to take a break this weekend and then start again next week. I said I thought we had talked just that morning about still cooking Whole 30 meals and doing healthy meal prep each week but beginning to give ourselves more leeway with the occasional take out night. Why is that ok, but refilling my in case of emergency work snacks isn’t?

 

He gave me the silent treatment the whole way home, and then we ended up getting in a huge fight about it once we got there. He reminded me what a hard time I gave him about smoking before he finally quit last year. He said that was all about him being healthier, and this diet is about both of us being healthier. He said he might as well go smoke a cigarette right now if this is going to be my attitude about life. I balked and said that granola bars are worlds away from cigarettes, and I didn’t think it was at all fair to compare them. He insisted that it was the same thing. I said that it’s nice that he wants to be healthier, and I’m happy to do that with him. But what does it matter what I do when I’m not with him? How does that effect him? He said he wanted to do this diet together, and I couldn’t even do it for 20 days. I said that I hadn’t even want to do this diet for 0 days, but I have been doing it for 2 weeks. I haven’t complained once about eating all of his diet meals and diet snacks at home. I’ve been doing it because I was supporting him in something that’s important to him. But why does he need so badly to control what I do when I’m not with him? He then started pointing out ways in which he feels I’ve been controlling or unfair to him, which were all things I’ve already apologized to him for multiple times. I told him I was sorry he got such a bad deal when he decided to marry me, and that was pretty much the end of our conversation several hours ago.

 

He works well with structure and schedules and rigid guidelines. I, on the other hand, have a LOT of personal baggage relating to rigidity. I don’t like feeling boxed in or limited or controlled in any way. It is VERY important to me to feel free and independent and autonomous. He knows this about me, and being fiercely independent is actually something we share. I gave that up—as far as he knew—in order to help him with his weight loss goals. But I don’t understand why he thinks it’s ok at all to expect me to give that up for him in the first place.

 

I feel pretty strongly that he’s behaving poorly here. I think he is being controlling and is either unwilling or unable to recognize it. But I recognize that it’s tough to see clearly from inside a situation like this. I know that supporting your partner is an important aspect of marriage, and I’ve been trying to do that in the midst of a very difficult time in my own journey. But I want to feel supported, too. Right now, I feel like I’m being expected to do everything he wants to do with zero regard for what I want—which is to be left alone to do what whatever I ****ing want to do when he’s not around. I don’t need him to police me or micromanage me. I’m an adult and should be allowed to make my own decisions for my own life.

 

Am I thinking about this all wrong?

 

(I think it’s an important side note to mention that my husband is not currently and has never expressed any dissatisfaction with or disapproval of my body. He seems perfectly happy with me and still seems to find me very sexy. His dissatisfaction seems to be purely with his own body, which has changed more than mine these last couple of years, and with my disinterest in fully adhering to his diet plan.)

Edited March 16, 2019 by somebodysomewheres

[pepperbird]

op,

In all honesty, this strikes me as being more about him feeling like he is in control of his life than it is about a diet. It's also, in a small way, about him absolving himself of guilt if his diet fails. He can blame you.Either that, or he's miserable on the diet and, as the saying goes "misery loves company".

 

 

 

My husband is overweight, and I'm stick skinny. I've been cooking healthy meals for him lately, lots of kale, greens, beets, no meat etc. He enjoys it, but I think it tastes terrible. I don't follow his diet, but that doesn't mean I don't support him in his efforts.

[Mr. Lucky]

He gave me the silent treatment the whole way home, and then we ended up getting in a huge fight about it once we got there. He reminded me what a hard time I gave him about smoking before he finally quit last year. He said that was all about him being healthier, and this diet is about both of us being healthier. He said he might as well go smoke a cigarette right now if this is going to be my attitude about life. I balked and said that granola bars are worlds away from cigarettes, and I didn’t think it was at all fair to compare them. He insisted that it was the same thing. I said that it’s nice that he wants to be healthier, and I’m happy to do that with him. But what does it matter what I do when I’m not with him? How does that effect him? He said he wanted to do this diet together, and I couldn’t even do it for 20 days. I said that I hadn’t even want to do this diet for 0 days, but I have been doing it for 2 weeks. I haven’t complained once about eating all of his diet meals and diet snacks at home. I’ve been doing it because I was supporting him in something that’s important to him. But why does he need so badly to control what I do when I’m not with him? He then started pointing out ways in which he feels I’ve been controlling or unfair to him, which were all things I’ve already apologized to him for multiple times. I told him I was sorry he got such a bad deal when he decided to marry me, and that was pretty much the end of our conversation several hours ago.

 

somebodysomewheres, you don't write technical briefs for a living, do you? That's a lot of copy about beans.

 

I have a friend who's a family therapist, and he told me once he's never dealt with a client issue that didn't have poor communication at its heart.

 

You two are a perfect example. Given the pushback from both of you, this is obviously about something more than who eats what. There's a power struggle here that speaks to the overall dynamic of your marriage. You'd be well served to dig deeper into that issue, probably easier with professional help.

 

It would be nice if you each offered the other person the same consideration your looking for yourself...

 

Mr. Lucky

[DKT3]

Diets are short term fixes.

 

Understanding what to eat and more importantly when to eat it is the key to a healthy lifestyle.

 

When life is busy and complicated it's best to brown bag it. Prepare meals for the entire work week and stick to it, the weight will fall off. We tend to "grab" something when we get busy, that is usually unhealthy, high in calories and sodium.

 

I agree with mr lucky, this is a power struggle. You had no issues with making demands on him as to what you felt was in his best interest yet get argumentative when he does it back. "Why does it bother him what I do when I'm not with him " that is a horrible mindset for a married person to have. Making a commitment doesn't only count when you are physically together. Surely you understand that.

[shydad]

Am I thinking about this all wrong?

 

Hi somebodysomewheres, no, you are not thinking about this all wrong.

 

You should be able to eat whatever food you want. However, after thinking about this, and trying to put myself in your husband's shoes, I think what it might come down to is that dieting is hard. It is probably frustrating to him to see food that he can't eat. He needs to be able to diet as easily as possible, while feeling loved and supported, and you need to be able to eat whatever food you want. To achieve this, I believe that an in-depth conversation is needed. These are the areas I would cover:

 

 

1. Detail your love for him.
   
2. Explain that it's ok for you both to eat different food, and that your intention is to prevent future quarrels triggered by him seeing your food.
   
3. Offer a solution to the problem of him seeing your food, such as keeping it in a separate location where he knows not to look.
   
4. Ask him if he has a proposed solution to the problem of him seeing your food.
   

 

Of the four areas above, detailing your love should by far be the lengthiest portion, so that your love and support for him is obviously what is most important to you. This also helps to prevent the dialog from becoming confrontational.

[Mr. Lucky]

[*] Offer a solution to the problem of him seeing your food, such as keeping it in a separate location where he knows not to look.

[*]Ask him if he has a proposed solution to the problem of him seeing your food.

 

 

To me, simply an unrealistic approach. Yes, you should attempt to support his diet by shopping appropriately, preparing healthy meals and exercising together.

 

But to say you're undermining his progress by drinking a soda or eating a donut is ridiculous. There's no way he can avoid exposure to indulgent foods, they're everywhere around us. So it's his choice what he eats, just as it's up to the OP to make her own selections.

 

somebodysomewheres, great that your H is trying to do better. Time for him to understand success or failure is up to him...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Doorstopper]

As a somewhat regular dieter, who has always had weight problems, I have a few thoughts:

 

1. I can understand not having/eating certain things in the house (Mexican bean bowls not included). They would become temptations for me to take. But what happens outside the house is not subject to to pilfering by a dieter so it should not matter.

 

2. To support him, stop his cheat nights. You are either dieting or you aren't. Perfectly ok to say once every x days we will do this, but cheating on the fly is not dieting; It's giving in to his cravings. He's basically talking you into joining him when he cheats to make himself feel better.

 

3. Whole 30 seems like a very difficult diet. US News and world reports ranks it 38 out of 41 diet plans. I'm sure it works for some but there are much better diets. Also, I get the sense he needs to loose more than 10-15 lbs. A 30 day diet will not work.

 

4. Don't hide what you do. If you're going to snack at work tell him (not that you're hiding it). You can support him without following his diet. Keep the junk out of the house, eat his meals , if he's preparing and help him. But talk it out between yourselves and get it all out in the open.

 

6. Suggestions to make to him that may be helpful. Calorie tracking with fitbit, my fitness pal, or lose it apps really work. Set a calorie goal (typ 1500-2000 for men and 1200-1600 for women) and log everything. If you meet those calorie goals you will lose weight at somewhere between 1.5-3lbs per week regardless of what you eat, on any diet.

 

In some ways I'm writing this post as a reminder to myself to get going again. Feel free to use or toss any of it.

 

Good Luck.

[healing light]

Alright, I'm not gonna sugar coat this. Your husband is being a big, whiny baby.

 

I've had extremely strict rules around food due to multiple allergies and have done keto more than once for health-related reasons. I'm not overweight so that was never the end goal for me, but I'm someone that has had to endure diets that most people don't have the discipline for--and not necessarily by choice, but by necessity.

 

My ex would make my life easier by buying food for me and even did the diet with me before to help encourage me, but in no way did I expect him to maintain that. It's unrealistic for a person to put you on a strict diet and expect you'll stick to it if their true motivation is to change their body, not yours. We did occasionally do cheat days together because we were doing cyclic keto (so it was for a specific purpose) and we knew when they would happen.

 

People react to different diets in different ways, there really is no one size fits all, imo. Most of these carb eliminating diets aren't meant to be long term (some people do adopt them as a lifestyle change). Usually the weight comes right back when you stop them unless you've adopted some overall changes in terms of the types of foods you normally eat. You might be able to maintain if you replace crappy processed foods for organic ones, but generally when the carbs come back so do the pounds.

 

I think what you've done is supportive enough. More than what most spouses would do for someone who has no desire to be on a diet.

 

Are you sure this isn't about something else? He's being nitpicky, controlling, and micromanaging. What goes in your mouth at work shouldn't matter if he's not around and you're not personally trying to lose weight (and neither of you is reacting to the food your partner is consuming). Are you sure his true motivation isn't to get you to lose weight, as well? Because otherwise his behavior is just odd to me. And it's not really up to him to police your weight either, as no sustainable change will be made unless the will comes from you.

 

I agree with you, he needs to check himself. I'm just not convinced his motivations for this diet only relate to him.