Unlevel Playing Field

[Sunnydaysandsome]

I've started dating again after a longer relationship which I chose to leave.

 

Dating is a minefield. My recent experience has highlighted many of the pitfalls, I'm pleased I'm aware of them and wiser.

 

I dated a man who was flakey, I ended it after 4 dates. I later discover he is on loads of dating apps and as he was busy a lot I'm pretty sure his 'family reunion dinners' were other dates. He never told me he was on these apps and he had no intention to do so.

 

This is fine btw, I totally understand we weren't together and he is free to do what he wants (before we get the rants). Of course I was free to do the same.

 

The problem is, I hate OLD because it was the reason my last relationship ended and I've had first hand experience of the dishonesty that goes on, on these sites.

 

I decided I meet men in real life, suss them out etc. I'm not in a rush. I don't wish to have children so there is no rush.

 

The issue is, when I meet a man I like they are often on a ton of these sites. It feels so unbalanced because I can't meet that many men in real life.

 

Mind you, many of them don't seem to have much success on these apps but they generate a lot of first and second dates. They also seem to have this attitude that they can generate women instantly and they are 'throw away'.

 

I suppose my best wish would be to meet a man with a similar mindset to me, wants to do the real life thing so the playing field isn't unbalanced from the start.

[Garcon1986]

Well some men are taught that showing an attitude of "I've got options" is safer than being desperate and showing that you are his only date. That's a hidden message.

 

It's totally true and totally frustrating that dating has to be such a numbers game - but in the end both genders have to date many people to find out a person that really floats their boat. Dating is frustrating for many, just for different reasons.

The playing field is only unbalanced in your mind. Everybody has to work through random dates and sort out who their favorites are.

[Sunnydaysandsome]

Yes true. I meet less men, because I'm not 'actively looking' however I know what I want and what I'm looking for and have a clear idea of that. Therefore I don't waste too much time on the ones that don't meet my standards.

 

This guy might meet/date several women but he has no idea of what he wants which is why I think he needs to date all these women to learn. Some men just aren't ready - even in middle age.

[Garcon1986]

have you spent more time on the pre-date screening side to sort out if these lads know what they want?

[Sunnydaysandsome]

Oh yes... They are lucky if they get to date 3 with me. I give a window to find out what they are like. If they don't meet my standards I get rid.

[Garcon1986]

OK if a lady dating multiple guys is the norm before she finds a suitable one, what part of your dating experience do you think is out of the norm?

[Sunnydaysandsome]

I've only been on two dates since my last relationship. One guy was very clear on what he wanted - sex. He knew I didn't want that so we parted on nice terms.

 

The second guy - no idea, it was just drinks but I couldn't get to know him with his one word texts, plus he was late so he was out.

[Sunnydaysandsome]

btw I don't think dating multiple people - male or female is not the norm or wrong. It's not what I want to do. I've 'been there done that' and I know what I am looking for and don't particularly want to sift through a load of flakey men.

 

Yes I will have a drink or two but it's important to quickly sift through and get rid if they don't meet my idea of what I want. Of course they do the same, and this is dating.

 

I personally think OLD makes people think they have an endless supply and not take the time and value getting to know people sometimes, that is just my view of it. It also creates this 'hedge your bets' mentality where non confident men dip a toe in a few ponds but never want to really get to know women? That was just my experience. Lots of confused people on dating apps if you ask me.

[chillii]

Back when l was on only the one but l did browse 3 or 4 others at the start trying to choose one, l noticed the same thing with women. They were all on 3 or 4 sites l saw them all over the place , who knows what they were doin.

When you started talking to someone though it was pretty easy to soon put 2 and 2 together with what they're up to, their attitude and stuff.

Only going for a very specific type of girl though they were usually something like what l'd thought so in the end it wasn't too bad.

 

l know you see over and over all round the net oh it's a numbers game but personally l think that's a crazy way to look at it, sounds like shooting blind to me.

l always suggest the best thing you can do is be very very selective , quality is much more satisfying and rewarding than quantity.

And hell yeah , you want as like minded as you can find , in all sorts of ways , which is pretty easy to read from things they say on their page and the way they talk , even if between the lines.

Edited March 16, 2019 by chillii

[Sunnydaysandsome]

Couldn't agree more Chilli, it is about quality not quantity for me.

 

 

Trouble with online is that you never know who you are talking to until you meet them. I think that the potential for dishonesty is huge. Just my opinion though, I'm sure it works for many.

[chillii]

Yeah right , l really think it's the best way to go to but especially for women, sounds of it there's tons of guys just looking for hook up and spinning whatever crap they have to.

But yeah l dunno , it does seem to work for a few, got lucky myself too online after my marriage broke up, she's an incredible find.

But l was selective to extreme, l wasn't interested in just dating dating, if was gonna bother with anyone it was only going to be the real deal or l'd rather not bother.

 

l found too but it goes against most ideas in forums , for me ,talk on the phone first.

lf your gonna get along in RL , you'll get a long on the phone and it'll be pretty well instant , you could end up talking for hours right there but eh that';ll be a good thing , and you'll find out so much about each other.

For me that was much easier. Not sayin it won't still fizzle if you do decide to meet someone but narrows it right down.

l read though most people prefer to meet instead but personally l really hated that and in one second find out something that would've just come out over the phone if we'd done that first.

Edited March 16, 2019 by chillii

[gaius]

You just need to not worry so much about the multi-dating duds and keep putting yourself out there in places where men can find you. He'll come along eventually.

 

I met my wife here of all places. Certainly didn't think I'd meet the woman I was going to marry on ls. But there she was. Good thing I was here when she walked in the door.