Reserved and Slow to Trust as Disinterest?

[Sunnydaysandsome]

I've been reflecting on my dating experiences. I have learnt that can be very difficult to meet men who understand a few things about me and I wonder if this is why I get the responses I do:

 

Reserved - I am a very reserved person, it takes me an age to open up/trust people. I'm not forward in touching etc. I like to flirt but if men aren't giving me the opportunities to flirt I generally don't touch men even if I fancy them. I do small things like a long stare or sit close to them, lean forward etc. but I'm a classy woman who thinks I shouldn't need to 'have it all on show'.

 

Investigative - I like to ask questions, I'm slow to get to know people and I want to suss them out. I don't do it police style, but you know what I mean. I ask 'what do you like to do in the evenings?' etc.

 

Picky - I'm very selective, there are certain things I don't like and I will mention them if the topic comes up. For example I know I don't want to be with a man who is bad with money, in debt or smokes for example and I don't hide that.

 

Slow to commit - I take commitment very seriously and I am not about to just jump into anything. One of my relationships ended because he put pressure on me to move it forward before I was ready. I'm stubborn as well, I don't adjust my timeline to suit others, if I feel pressured I bail out.

 

The trouble is I am very misunderstood, I want a life partner and I take this

process of finding on very seriously. I know what I want so I will end dating experiences after 2, 3, 4 dates etc.

 

I get called all sorts of names for sticking to my principles: such as 'a player' (I don't sleep around), 'too hard to get to know' '(a lot) 'cold', 'don't know what love is' 'frigid','living in victorian times' 'all about me and what I want' 'scared to commit'.

 

I ended up having therapy because all this knocked my confidence and now I am recovering getting my confidence back. I'm sticking to my principles and sifting these types of men out.

 

My point is reserve is often misunderstood as disinterest I feel and that is a shame, some of us want to get to know people slowly.

[Sunnydaysandsome]

When I suggest to a few of the flakey types of men that 'they didn't seem that interested in me as they were late and communicated in one word texts. I got the response that 'well you didn't seem that interested in me'.

 

I'm thinking my reserve must make me seem not that keen on men - I'm sure it does but I am reserved and always will be I expect. It seems a bit harsh that just because I'm a bit cautious (with good reason), not putting in on a plate, and want to get to know men slowly I get this reaction.

[Curiousroxy86]

You should be your genuine self but make no mistake about it if you want the option to have a relationship then attraction or being attractive is important.

 

You have to find a balance of saying and doing and being that is attractive but stays true to yourself. You also have to be okay that whatever way of being your "sticking to" means that some men won't like it, rebel, or leave. Can't win em all.

 

For example I too have strong boundaries but I communicate them in a way that gives my best chance that a guy would want to not only respect them but would be happy to oblige and choose to remain in the relationship. Not a guarantee but just my best chance of me having that option because the reality is in a relationship we are dealing with another human being that has his own agenda, opinions, and "rules" of the way he sees the relationship. So when I communicate my boundaries I don't jump on his case or try to make him feel bad. I communicate sweetly in the form of an inviting request. "Honey I would really love if xyz". Even if he does something that's not okay that I need to see immediate change in order for me to stay it's firm straight to the point but it's not extra criticism "Joe xyz is not okay to me". I get better responses from men when commmunicating my boundaries because I'm not making him feel bad. Now this doesn't mean a man will respond favorably every time. If it's a boundary that's very important to me like deal breaking and he responds unfavorably then no nagging or guilt tripping I just simply breakup. So the standard remains the same. Me sticking to what I believe is right for me is the same. The delivery is more attractive because again to have the option of a relationship you want your partner to want to be with you and want to do things for you in the relationship and you would be hard pressed to even have that option if most of your ways are a turn off.

 

So back to you. May have to figure out what adjustments you can make to your way of being that's more attractive but remain true to yourself. Find that balance.

 

In my opinion of what you shared (take it or I leave it)...

 

There is nothing wrong with being reserved. I am kind of that way myself. I flirt with my suitors/exclusive boyfriend at the time but I'm not a proactive touchy flirt and I'm okay with that. But I respond very affectionate and touchy and sexual. I return a mans affections in a way that it's clear that I want him. A man wants to feel like you desire him. So at the very least you may stand to improve in that area. Maybe.

 

Getting to know a person is so important. I too ask questions. I think as long as it's natural and you don't come off like your interviewing or interrogating or investing him then it shouldn't be a problem. Find out a lot about a person by asking a question in a conversational way and letting him talk and being just good to be around. Men will tell you all about themselves if your easy to talk to. Again result is the same. The agenda is the same. The delivery makes it attractive for a man to want to tell you things.

 

Reminder just my opinion. You should be selective but you don't have to tell a guy proactively "I don't like men who are this or that". That is a turn off. Kills the mood on a date. Be selective but bring up things as they come. Focus on having a good time and when there is a conversation about money then you can talk about your opinion. When he does something that's not okay. Then you can speak your boundaries.

 

Your timeline to commit. Everybody has their own timeline. I formulated my personal timelines to what I feel comfortable but also what's considered "reasonable" that a man or most men wouldn't object. Remember that balance. If you want to stick to your timeline then you just have to be okay with losing the guys that are truly put off by that. Stick or adjust is your only two choices.

 

Don't mind the name calling. If your boundaries are truly important to you and they are reasonable and you communicate them in a way that any good boyfriend would be happy to oblige then try to let it roll of your back when a guy who isn't right for you resort to name calling or criticisms. That's going to happen anyway. Just find your balance. Good luck.

[fred123]

feeling pressured is bull****. its just cos ur not that into him. good on the guy for trying to move things forward. he did nothing wrong.

[Sunnydaysandsome]

Yes Fred the truth was I wasn't in to him because he didn't respect my timeline. I was doing a masters at the time and understandably it took my time up. He was pressuring me to move in etc. It was all too much, so I just wanted out.

 

Now if he was patient and supportive and understanding of the pressure I was under with my work and studies at the time, we would still be together. Instead I 'wasn't spending enough time with him' - which was the case but for good reason.

 

I am pleased to say I now have the masters degree but no boyfriend. It was a test perhaps of our relationship. I'm glad I didn't give up my studies for to spend more time on him.

[goldengirl11]

I've been reflecting on my dating experiences. I have learnt that can be very difficult to meet men who understand a few things about me and I wonder if this is why I get the responses I do:

 

 

Hi there,

 

I just wanted to say that I totally sympathise with you and coincidentally was going to post a similar situation myself today.

 

I'm now 40, feeling quite (if not very) inexperienced for my age and wondering now if I am cut out for a relationship at all! My 'ex' even said that he wasn't sure if I actually know how to be in a relationship, even though I really wanted it to work between us, but he didn't commit to me i.e being exclusive.

 

I hope we can both get some useful advice!

 

My very best wishes

Edited March 17, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Sunnydaysandsome]

It's not about right or wrong Fred. I think it is more a lack of understanding.

 

He was older and in a rush and I am still trying to build my career etc. I'm not as interested in moving in as he was. He used to admit to feeling lonely when he was single and I always enjoyed being single before we got together.

 

I totally understand his need 'not to waste time' but if he just wants a woman he could get anyone. If he wanted me then he had to be flexible, which he wasn't prepared to be.

 

I think our visions/hopes/dreams were very different. I have visions of moving in with him and being bored. This man didn't really have much ambition in life other than getting a woman. I don't think we were suited, it worked for a while but like most relationships, something comes along to test it - if it fails... it wasn't meant to be.

 

I'm sure he will find a woman who is ready and wants to move in with him soon.

[Sunnydaysandsome]

Thanks Goldengirl,

 

If you are sensitive like me the things men say will get to you and you will question yourself.

 

I've learnt that men who are rejected/not getting what they want can be very unkind and will say things. Its positive to be self reflective but don't take it all to heart.

 

I am sure you are ready to be in a relationship, if a man is only blaming you for everything that isn't fair. It takes two.

[goldengirl11]

Thanks Goldengirl,

 

If you are sensitive like me the things men say will get to you and you will question yourself.

 

I've learnt that men who are rejected/not getting what they want can be very unkind and will say things. Its positive to be self reflective but don't take it all to heart.

 

I am sure you are ready to be in a relationship, if a man is only blaming you for everything that isn't fair. It takes two.

 

Thank you Sunnydaysandsome (great name!) and congratulations too on achieving your masters degree! You sound a very bright and sensible young lady, who will no doubt meet someone who is right for you.