When they ask about your ex?

[HiCrunchy]

I've been trying to get back into the dating game recently, but I keep coming across an issue. On the first date, men like to ask me about exs and what they were like. I think on some level they are trying to understand what I like in a guy or trying to see if I have any redflags I guess.

 

The issue is that even though we broke up in 2016 and haven't talked to him since I still have a "soft spot" for my ex. When prompted to talk about him, all the great memories come back and I remember how I was so happy with him then, so much so that I get a lump in my throat and its hard. It's hard to speak about him in a "nonchalant" or "I don't care" manner. I know most people dating someone like that sort of disinterested/indifferent speak of the ex because reassures them, but I am not capable of this.

 

I normally try to tell dates that "I don't want to talk about exes" and change the topic of conversation but I think it signals "red flag" in their mind. They start to think "why don't they want to talk about their ex? what are they hiding?"

 

How do I navigate this situation?

Edited March 17, 2019 by HiCrunchy

[FMW]

Keep your responses brief, don't go into details, something like "we dated for x amount of time and realized we wanted different things" (or whatever the situation was).

 

I'm guessing maybe you're going into too much detail about the ex, that's why you're getting choked up about it. If only briefly referring to the ex causes that reaction then you probably need a little more time to be ready to date.

[Happy Lemming]

Can you make up some horrible tragic story?? Ex was killed in a plane/train/car accident or something like that. If you get choked up, it will be understandable and the guy won't ask again.

 

Nothing wrong with a little white lie, when it really isn't any of the new guy's business (to begin with). Personally, I think it is inappropriate to ask.

[HiCrunchy]

Keep your responses brief, don't go into details, something like "we dated for x amount of time and realized we wanted different things" (or whatever the situation was).

 

I'm guessing maybe you're going into too much detail about the ex, that's why you're getting choked up about it. If only briefly referring to the ex causes that reaction then you probably need a little more time to be ready to date.

 

Yeah, I try to keep it brief, but they keep digging. I'm terrible at hiding how I feel so that might be causing them to keep asking questions.

 

Even after 3 years, I get a shiver down my spine when I accidentally learn new info about him. Even tho I miss him, I can't keep my life on hold forever. I don't want to wait to date anymore, 3 years is enough, so decided I am putting myself out there and meeting new people.

[HiCrunchy]

Can you make up some horrible tragic story?? Ex was killed in a plane/train/car accident or something like that. If you get choked up, it will be understandable and the guy won't ask again.

 

Nothing wrong with a little white lie, when it really isn't any of the new guy's business (to begin with). Personally, I think it is inappropriate to ask.

 

So true. But I have been guilty of asking in the past. I think people want that reassurance. Not sure if I want to start a relationship on a lie lol.

[Happy Lemming]

Not sure if I want to start a relationship on a lie lol.

 

So if the relationship works out, you come clean and explain why you told your "little white lie". In the end, the guy really won't care, because (by then) he will have won the prize (you)!

[Cersei]

I was trying to figure out why they would ask about the ex. That is the last topic I want to discuss or know about a current boyfriend.

 

Is it to determine if you have him or her in your life and they would be an obstacle to a new relationship? Or why do they ask?

[Happy Lemming]

You also have a dishonest approach. You can lie, mislead...

 

I've found lying/misleading to work out just fine. Some lies I'll take to my grave.

 

I've also moved around A LOT, very little chance of running into an ex. Moreover, I'd think they would have trouble finding me.

[Decorum]

It is better to let him fall for you before you let him know that you are not over your ex, and will likely never have closure with him.

 

(Unless he becomes available, so you guys can reunite, and you can some how properly lose interest in him.)

 

Honesty is overated.

Get him "locked in" first.

Then you will be his prize.

 

Because that is what every guy is looking for (and deserves) is a woman who will lie, and minupulate him emotionally, and feel completely justified in doing so.

 

He is trying to guard his emotional wellbeing by making sure you dont dump him for your ex, when the ex who broke your heart is ready to "reunite" in some capacity.

 

The current guy's concerns, and his questions are COMPLETELY inappropriate.

Edited March 17, 2019 by Decorum

[HiCrunchy]

You can take one of two approaches here, honest, or misleading. I generally take the honest approach with ladies, who all claim they appreciate it, but honesty will fail you more often than not.

 

With the honest approach, you just lay it all out there. Whatever happens, happens. If you choke up and show this new guy that you are obviously not over your ex, which you seriously are not, then most guys will bail. However, there is a chance (depending on your overall desirability) that some guys will want to be with you anyway. To them, you might be worth the chance they are taking.

 

You also have a dishonest approach. You can lie, mislead, hide, or try to gloss over your relationship with your ex and your still strong, lingering feelings for the guy. Maybe you can keep your feelings hidden, maybe you can't. Even if you do succeed at hiding your feelings from new guys, this could end poorly for you in the long run. Exes have a way of coming back into our lives. Maybe you will see that ex of yours out at dinner when you are with your new guy, get caught all up in your feelings and scare this new guy of yours off. Or, maybe the ex will come back into your life one day looking for easy sex, something guys often do. What do you do then?

 

I think honesty will fail me. I know that being deceitful isn't something I am good at either, which is why I opted for not talking about it at all. But I think guys feel uneasy when I don't want to talk about the subject.

 

I don't know what I will do. If by some strange set of circumstances bumped into my ex. I'd probably leave the room/avoid him. I've tried to act cool and smile in the past, but his reaction was always a "stone face", avoiding eye contact, leaving the room, and "closed" body language. As you can tell, he hates me.

 

Well, I think my ex is the weird guy and doesn't do the typical guy things. I don't imagine I'll ever hear from him again. I have removed any and every possible way for him to contact me and he now lives on the other side of the country, so bumping into him won't be an issue, for now. Plus he made very clear that he doesn't want me, so I don't think any of the above will happen, especially after 3 years and his past reactions to me. I don't think a new guy will have any issues, to be honest. That past relationship is dead.

 

I am hoping that my getting new love, it can overtake or maybe replace the old one because being single hasn't really helped. But I have to fall in love with someone new first, so I have to move past this obstacle.

[HiCrunchy]

I was trying to figure out why they would ask about the ex. That is the last topic I want to discuss or know about a current boyfriend.

 

Is it to determine if you have him or her in your life and they would be an obstacle to a new relationship? Or why do they ask?

 

IDK, I am surprised by how often I get this question.

 

I was thinking of going with "I haven't talked to him in 3 years. I hope he is well." and leave it at that. I think it will provide the reassurance they are looking for within the question.

[HiCrunchy]

I've found lying/misleading to work out just fine. Some lies I'll take to my grave.

 

I've also moved around A LOT, very little chance of running into an ex. Moreover, I'd think they would have trouble finding me.

 

Makes me wish I was a better liar. I just don't have it in me I guess.

How do I get better at it lemming? lol:lmao:

[HiCrunchy]

It is better to let him fall for you before you let him know that you are not over your ex, and will likely never have closure with him.

 

(Unless he becomes available, so you guys can reunite, and you can some how properly lose interest in him.)

 

Honesty is overated.

Get him "locked in" first.

Then you will be his prize.

 

Because that is what every guy is looking for (and deserves) is a woman who will lie, and minupulate him emotionally, and feel completely justified in doing so.

 

He is trying to guard his emotional wellbeing by making sure you dont dump him for your ex, when the ex who broke your heart is ready to "reunite" in some capacity.

 

The current guy's concerns, and his questions are COMPLETELY inappropriate.

 

Thanks for the advice. I'll take it into consideration.

[Gretchen12]

Makes me wish I was a better liar. I just don't have it in me I guess.

How do I get better at it lemming? lol:lmao:

 

If you're a really good liar, you can even lie about not being a good liar. That's usually done by instinct of the good liar.

[Mrin]

Lying is a bad thing period - don't do it. I think if I had learned that a woman I was in a relationship had lied to me initially then I would be very wary about trusting her going forward.

 

Let's unpack this a bit more though. The ex question is legitimate for the following relationship facts:

1. How long have you been single? No one wants to be a rebound

 

2. Are you likely to go back to said ex if he calls you up one night? No one wants to be in a relationship with an emotionally unavailable person.

 

3. Did you do something awful to cause the breakup (e.g. infidelity). No one wants to be in a relationship with a cheater.

 

Those are the three legitimate reasons to ask the question and expect an honest answer. So, you can simply say:

 

"We broke up in 2016 and I've been single since. I haven't heard from him in 3 years and like it that way. The breakup wasn't caused by anything I did - like cheating OR We broke up because [insert reason]. Honestly, I don't like talking about it because it stirs up a lot of icky feelings that I don't want to feel right now/with you I'm more than happy to tell you all the details some time in the future but let's focus on the here and now rather than the past."

 

If the man won't respect a request like that then you now know something about him and you should be concerned.

 

In short, you give him all the data points he legitimately needs and then close the door at this time.

 

All that being said, let me ask you this - if you met a wonderful amazing man and created a healthy relationship with him, if your Ex called you up in the middle of the night and asked for you back, what would you do? If you can't answer that you would decline/hang up on him, then you need to really be aware of this. Doesn't mean you shouldn't date but you need to be aware that you have this vulnerability and probably shouldn't get too deep into a relationship with other man until you can do something about it.

 

Best of luck!

 

Mrin

[healing light]

I also do not advocate lying.

 

I think you can keep it simple with the facts. Say a vague statement about how he was a good guy, you had some fun memories together, but in the end you just wanted different things or weren't a match. Haven't talked in several years.

 

If the man persists in pushing you for more details, insert a joke like, "if I wanted to talk about my ex all night, I wouldn't be out here with you (small laugh)."

 

Then deflect and ask him a different question or turn it back on him and watch for red flags as he talks about his ex, haha.

 

Though, there is something to be said for not dating until you're over someone... have you done any kind of process or therapy in order to help you move forward from this man in the years since you've dated?

[Art_Critic]

When I was single and dating anytime I ever asked someone about their ex's or past relationships it was all to see if they are over it, been down that road before where I had put in a few weeks and then they say they went back to their ex and you're like WTF, thanks for that...

 

So I think your answer should quickly touch on it but in no way should you give details, just speak in tones and words that shows you have moved on and no longer looking to go back to an ex...

[Art_Critic]

I like healing light's reply.. ^

[HiCrunchy]

Lying is a bad thing period - don't do it. I think if I had learned that a woman I was in a relationship had lied to me initially then I would be very wary about trusting her going forward.

 

 

1. 3 years single, since 2016. But I still have a soft spot for my ex.

2. If he called me back now, as a single girl? I am not sure how I would act anyone. In the past, I would have given anything to have him back. I think my heart thought he would come back. I thought I was a good gf, but not good enough for him I suppose. After so long you kinda give up that hope. Knowing him, I don't think he would come back. If he hasn't reached out till now, I doubt he will in the future.

3. No, I am a faithful person. I was kind to him, loved him. I wouldn't have done doing anything to hurt him. I only had eyes for him. I would have done anything to see him smile and happy. I really loved him so much. I was so in love. I just wanted him to love me too.

 

All that being said, let me ask you this - if you met a wonderful amazing man and created a healthy relationship with him if your Ex called you up in the middle of the night and asked for you back, what would you do?

 

I don't know. I guess it would depend on who I was in love with more. If my feelings for the new guy were stronger, then I could probably let my ex go. Plus, my ex's actions tell me he doesn't seem to like me very much as a person. It was like a flip of a switch. From smiling and being happy to see me, to "stone face" and avoidance. I don't see him seeking me out ever again. I don't think the new guy has to worry about anything. Its probably why I am trying to find new love in the first place. Then I could be at peace.

 

As I mentioned, I can't really lie about how I feel, ever. I never tried to go that route, but some other posters mentioned that is what I should do, but I wasn't sure.

Edited March 18, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[HiCrunchy]

I also do not advocate lying.

 

I think you can keep it simple with the facts. Say a vague statement about how he was a good guy, you had some fun memories together, but in the end you just wanted different things or weren't a match. Haven't talked in several years.

 

If the man persists in pushing you for more details, insert a joke like, "if I wanted to talk about my ex all night, I wouldn't be out here with you (small laugh)."

 

Then deflect and ask him a different question or turn it back on him and watch for red flags as he talks about his ex, haha.

 

Though, there is something to be said for not dating until you're over someone... have you done any kind of process or therapy in order to help you move forward from this man in the years since you've dated?

 

This is a good reply. I think I will use that line and deflect.

 

I have gone to therapy. They just wanted to talk about my attachment style and family life. I stopped going after a while. It wasn't helpful in the slightest.

 

 

I didn't try dating for 3 years, I don't know how much longer it takes to move on. I just started trying recently, to try and meet someone new because I've healed/moved on enough to start doing so.

 

I have come to accept I will always love/miss him. And that's okay. Even if he hates me or doesn't care about my existence anymore, it doesn't matter. He doesn't have to be a part of my life/be my boyfriend for me to love him. He doesn't even have love or care about me. I am learning to love my ex unconditionally and without expectations. Learning to be happy for him and his new life. It's painful, but I think it is the best thing I can do. He isn't coming back.

 

Now, this doesn't mean I can't love another person. I am looking for that love to take the space of partner in my life. I am accepting things as they are, and moving forward the best way I see how.

Edited March 18, 2019 by HiCrunchy

[HiCrunchy]

When I was single and dating anytime I ever asked someone about their ex's or past relationships it was all to see if they are over it, been down that road before where I had put in a few weeks and then they say they went back to their ex and you're like WTF, thanks for that...

 

So I think your answer should quickly touch on it but in no way should you give details, just speak in tones and words that shows you have moved on and no longer looking to go back to an ex...

 

I haven't talked to my ex in years so no risk of going back but my tone would give the sense that I am not "nonchalant".

Plus you can't really go back to someone that doesn't want you.

Edited March 18, 2019 by HiCrunchy

[FMW]

Just a side note -

 

It doesn't matter whether or not you think your ex WILL ever come back, it's about YOUR feelings.

 

Look at it this way - would you want to get involved with a guy who was hung up on his ex girlfriend even though there was no chance she would ever want him back? He would still be hung up on her and with you as second choice. Don't do that to anyone.

 

I think instead of figuring out how to lie about or avoid the topic you should consider therapy to help you once and for all get over your ex. You cant have a happy and fulfilling relationship with anyone else until you do. And again, it's not fair to the other person.

[HiCrunchy]

Just a side note -

 

It doesn't matter whether or not you think your ex WILL ever come back, it's about YOUR feelings.

 

Look at it this way - would you want to get involved with a guy who was hung up on his ex girlfriend even though there was no chance she would ever want him back? He would still be hung up on her and with you as second choice. Don't do that to anyone.

 

I think instead of figuring out how to lie about or avoid the topic you should consider therapy to help you once and for all get over your ex. You cant have a happy and fulfilling relationship with anyone else until you do. And again, it's not fair to the other person.

 

Someone I loved is gone from my life forever. People seem to take breakups to lightly, but to me, it was like he died. If my ex had died, I think people would be more understanding of my feelings. Maybe happylemming was right about saying he was in an accident...

 

The way you feel about someone doesn't change just because they don't love you any more or because the relationship is over. Therapy can't change your feelings. It can't change love you feel for someone. I truly loved him. And the fact that I feel the same way now, reassures me that my feelings were genuine.

 

People can love more than one person at a time. I just have to learn how to do that. I have moved on enough to find other people attractive and consider dating others. I can love again. And I deserve to find love too.

[chillii]

Women ask all the same stuff.

l just said well we won't get into it now , maybe later on, when and if we know each other better.

[Gretchen12]

People can love more than one person at a time. I just have to learn how to do that. I have moved on enough to find other people attractive and consider dating others. I can love again. And I deserve to find love too.

 

you can say this to your date.

 

if this is how you feel then you can also accept someone who still loves his ex. And you would see no reason to lie. I've dated widowers who will love the spouse forever. He still says "my wife". There is no problem.