Blindside Dumped AGAIN

[lax16]

Not trying to block new people’s threads but I’m not really sure where else to vent or go to support/answers.

 

The last few days I’ve been missing her so much. It kills me that we’re just not in each other’s lives. I no longer know what she’s doing, what’s going on in her life, I’m not the person she’s thinking about when she wakes up, or making her smile. I haven’t seen her gorgeous eyes or heard her laugh. I hate that she’s looked at somebody else like she did me, that somebody else is making her feel things she felt for me. That she’s doing and saying the same things.

 

I can’t help but to think of all the memories and experiences we should have had the last few months and all the things I had imagined us doing in the future. None of which have or will ever happen.

 

I think the biggest problem is I idealize her still. I know she did a few things that would indicate she’s not a good person or a person I should not want to be with but all the happy memories, the times she seemed so in love and crazy about me, all the smiles, giggles, affection, vulnerable, amazing moments outweigh the bad in my mind and heart.

 

No matter what, I ask the universe, why wasn’t I/our relationship enough for her to be as in love as she needed to be to stay with me like I was in love with her? If she truly had feelings for me all long, never stopped thinking about me, I was special to her, all this time, how could she discard me and our relationship and move on so easily?

 

I was so ****ing happy that she came back the way she did. I thought I really was special to her. It’s gut wrenching that she didn’t love me the way that I loved her and I just don’t know why not. How could I have been feeling and experiencing things so vastly different than she was?

 

Thought things were starting to feel better but I can’t stop thinking about her and missing her.

 

We’re supposed to be together and in love and happy right now.

 

****.

Edited May 2, 2019 by lax16

[lax16]

My ex girlfriend that blindside dumped me 4 months ago is my best friend/roommates girlfriends sister/roommate. We were on and off for almost 2 years. She shattered my heart twice. Threads here:

 

https://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/652692-dumped-out-nowhere

 

https://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/680196-blindside-dumped-again

 

The first time we dated, we were never official or had the exclusive conversation but we had been dating only each other for 3 months. She went on vacation, dumped me when she got back and I found out about 5 months later that she had slept with somebody on that vacation. She also slept one of my best friends roommates after the first break up and then again after this second break up even though she knew how much that hurt me and promised to stay away from people we know. She also did some other messed up things.

 

Yesterday she came to one of my friends birthdays when she was told not to. I couldn't help myself but to confront her and say why are you here? This quickly devolved into a loud argument. I was telling her to respect my space, that nobody wants her there, to get her own friends, that she's a horrible person, god knows what else. It was a scene. It ended with us in the streets and me yelling at her in front of all of my friends. Although getting all tough with me, she apparently cried afterwards. She texted me saying delete my number, I hate you.

 

A piece of me is happy that I finally got to unleash on her and tell her off, especially about her being a horrible person. I'm feeling pretty silly about the way I acted though. I shouldn't have said a word to her unless she approached me. I shouldn't have called her names, especially yelling it in a street in front of all my friends and their SOs. Part of me is sad that this likely closes the door for any friendship, any fbw, pretty much anything in the future. I guess part of me is disappointed I can no longer say I was always nothing but nice and good to her even when we weren't together. For some reason the fact she said "I hate you" is cutting pretty deep for me. Just feeling a whole bunch of emotions about the whole situation.

 

She is my best friends girlfriend's sister and because of that will be tied to me and my social circle possibly forever. Because of that, I'm thinking about sending her an email apologizing but I'm not sure if I should or not...

Edited May 9, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
language

[d0nnivain]

Your behavior was over the top & rude. No matter what she did to you, the birthday celebrant did not deserve to have you ruin their party. Apologize to that person. Then learn a very important life lesson: discretion is the better part of valor.

 

By attacking your EX you turned her into a victim. She now has everybody's sympathy & you look like a psychopathic bully.

[TheFinalWord]

Geez man. Was that really necessary?

 

I'm going to give you some constructive criticism and I hope you can take it (you let your ex have it, so it's time for your own medicine).

 

You have no control over your emotions. This incident proves it.

 

That's why she is not into you. A woman seeks out a man that is stronger than her, in all areas: including emotionally. You expressed too many emotions to a girl that is all over the place, dumped you, has tons of casual hook ups which will degrade her ability to pair bond, and you put your value as a man on her. She became your barometer for your success in life, as opposed to being someone that compliments your life.

 

You confirmed to her and all of your friends that you have no emotional control. You helped to justify her decision. While she was wrong for cheating and you should have ended it there, you are way too emotionally weak to handle a girl like this.

 

Don't write an e-mail to her. Just leave her be. There is no chance here. You need to abandon all hope. In some ways, I hope if any good comes of this, it's that she never talks to you again and really does hate you. That, or a restraining order, may be the only thing that finally gets you to accept it's over and to move on with your life.

 

You should apologize to the host of the party.

 

In short, you need to do a lot of work on yourself.

 

Don't beat yourself up anymore over this girl. We've all lost control with a woman at one point. Taking a girl back that has treated you so terrible is one thing, but losing total control like that is another. You need to work on becoming emotionally stronger than this. You also need to not ignore red flags in women. There were more red flags here than a communist parade. But you still allowed yourself to attach your emotions to her. You need to work on this.

Edited May 6, 2019 by TheFinalWord

[lax16]

Today I feel pretty bad about what I did. I just had all of this bottled up in me after everything she's done and she just prances around like this sweet innocent girl that can do no wrong and it got to me. I got too drunk and when she showed up after being told not to, I lost it. No excuse for what I did though. I feel stupid and embarrassed and am sad that we probably would have been able to be friends down the road but now I don't think so. She was a very important person and part of my life (despite the messed up things that happened) and now I did this... But there is also a part of me that has thought, she DID a number of messed up things to me, I SAID a couple of very mean words to her in front of people, I shouldn't feel like such a horrible human being.

 

In regards to the red flags... I guess I looked at her past that I knew well enough and saw she had a few serious relationships (although in HS and college) and thought she was the type of girl that liked being in a relationship and was truly committed once she was in one.

 

I thought the rest of her behavior was just a young, attractive girl being single in a big city

 

I was blindsided because even after we broke up the first time, based on what my friend was telling me and us continually hooking up and having this connection every time we saw each other, combined with my knowledge of her past, and her coming on so strong saying things like, “I never stopped thinking about you while we were apart”, “Being away from you made me know I want to be with you”, “You’re different and special to me compared to everybody else”, and then following up with actions showing commitment like introducing me to her family and friends, meeting my family, inviting me on her family vacation, had me thinking she was over the running around phase, felt the same connection I did, and truly wanted to be with me.

 

The entire time we were together she seemed completely in love with me, was super attentive, affectionate, caring. Always smiling, laughing, lighting up around me. Wanting to hang out or go out and do things. Telling me her life secrets, coming to me for support. Telling me how much she loves me. She never waivered, showed any hesitation or even hinted at anything being wrong until the last 2 days we were together.

 

Maybe I’m just naive and believed that I was different to her and things would be different with me. That this connection I thought we had was unique. I think a lot had to do with my knowledge that she had serious relationships in her past and seemed like the type of girl that took committed relationships seriously

 

I’m also having a very tough time reconciling the person that I thought I knew and had a relationship with, compared to the person she has shown me that she might truly be.

 

I’m not sure if she isn’t a nice/considerate person or if these things that she has done are one-offs and due to her being a young single girl.

 

I know this is messed up but I can’t stop making this about me. I often think and question, “why wasn’t I and/or the relationship enough to make this girl want to be with me in the way I wanted to be with her?”

Edited May 6, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[elaine567]

She gave you a list of very clear reasons why she ended this with you. They are stated on your first post

When someone does that, you say thank you and then you move on.

You have no right to her life from then on in, that is how it works.

Leave her alone.

[d0nnivain]

I know this is messed up but I can’t stop making this about me. I often think and question, “why wasn’t I and/or the relationship enough to make this girl want to be with me in the way I wanted to be with her?”

 

You started up with her as rebound for her. She wanted a fling but you developed feelings. She has moved away from you & come back because she probably likes the sex. Some part of her artistic soul also knows that hooking with a trader is going to offer her more financial security then she will ever be able to provide for herself.

 

Still others in your circle knew you two should not be together & told her so.

 

Based on your outburst, you have control issues.

 

All in all you two are toxic. Apologize in a BIG way to the birthday celebrant whose party you ruined. Next time you get wind that she's coming to something you plan to attend, you skip it until you can get yourself under control. By under control I mean that when you see her, you can manage a tight lipped smile, curt nod of the head in acknowledgement of her & then not interact with her at all throughout the event. If you can't reign this in, you will find yourself on the outside of the circle as being too volatile to bother with.

[lax16]

I got too drunk. Not a good excuse but the truth. I feel terrible about it. I've had a lot of stuff bottled up thinking about everything that she's done to me and when she showed up to my friends birthday party when she was told not to, I felt she was being extremely disrespectful by not respecting my space but yes, I lost control. I know it was wrong. I feel very bad about it.

 

I never thought this would be how things with the first girl I loved would go. That this is the type of person I would pick. That this is how I would act. I don't know how to accept that I was nothing but a fling to her, I'm not sure that's true but clearly her feelings for me weren't nearly as deep as mine were for her so who knows.

 

I feel like a weak person for ever being nice to her again after finding out she had "cheated" on me. I feel even weaker for having so much trouble getting over her and moving on. I've thought about her every single day for almost two years, I know people have spent 30+ years together and have kids and they split which just makes me feel even more ridiculous, she's meant a lot to me. And despite that mean things I said and the scene I created, she still does. I need to make like she doesn't exist at all somehow though.

 

I am sad that we probably would have been able to be friends but now I don't think so. She was a very important person and part of my life (despite the messed up things that happened) and now I did this... I woke up holding a pillow and my immediate thought was a flash in my mind of holding her and kissing her shoulder like I used to and how much I miss her. Wow, I'm really messed up. I don't know how I got here...

Edited May 6, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
quote removed

[Blanco]

Yikes. You obviously reacted out of being hurt, but dude, there's no real coming back from that. At your age, you cannot be reacting like that. It was not your gathering and from what you say, she's part of the social circle, so I'm not sure why you get to be there, but she doesn't. I had a similar experience last year; she even showed up with a date. I said hello and more or less avoided her the rest of the night.

 

It might feel good to clear the valves, but you're now the guy who loudly confronted an ex and dropped the big no-no names on her in the heat of the moment.

[lax16]

I know I can't be acting like that. I feel horrible about it.

 

She's not truly part of the social circle. She is connected because she is my best friends girlfriends sister and because she dated me so naturally she has met and hung out with my friends. Yes she does have her own friendship with another one of my best friends girlfriends but other than that everybody at the party have been my friends for almost 20 years. It's my feeling that she should respect my space for now and she did not.

 

No excuse for the scene I caused and the names I called her, I know. And I'm terribly embarrassed that I was that guy. I'll always be that guy now to her. Just trying to remind myself that these are my true friends and love me and know the real me and we'll move past this and that's not who I'll be to them. Still feels bad.

Edited May 6, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
quote removed

[healing light]

I only read your first post so far in this thread because I'm crunched for time, but right off the bat this girl sounds emotionally unavailable and like she loves to play the field. Wouldn't be surprised if she was selfish.

 

I had a friend who reminds me of the one in your post. She loves to sleep with multiple men at the time, did this even in the context of an "exclusive" relationship. Any time a man actually gave her a relationship, it turned her feelings sour and made her run. She feels it as an impingement on her freedom and as pressure, yet also desires a relationship but just isn't ready for one/hasn't worked through her stuff enough to maintain her feelings or monogamy.

 

To me, it sounds like once you guys were exclusive, it threw cold water over all her feelings. She's still on the run, still wants to sleep around, isn't ready for anything deeper. She'll try to justify and rationalize it by making lists of reasons to explain the sudden change of heart. Just a word to the wise, when you do actually move on, don't be surprised if she comes sniffing back in your direction. It will be more of the same.

[elaine567]

I'll always be that guy now to her. Just trying to remind myself that these are my true friends and love me and know the real me and we'll move past this and that's not who I'll be to them. Still feels bad.

You'll always be that guy to your friends too, they are not going to forget that one in a hurry...

Get your emotions under control and move on.

[TheFinalWord]

In regards to the red flags... I guess I looked at her past that I knew well enough and saw she had a few serious relationships (although in HS and college) and thought she was the type of girl that liked being in a relationship and was truly committed once she was in one.

 

I thought the rest of her behavior was just a young, attractive girl being single in a big city

 

If she's a hoe, she's a hoe. Stop excusing her poor behavior on her being naive. She's an adult and knows what she's doing. By her age, she isn't going to change. She'll go from guy to guy and will eventually get married and divorced. I can already predict it. Her high count should have been a red flag to you, not her relationships in high school.

 

Relationship with Partner Count and Marriage Satisfaction

I was blindsided because even after we broke up the first time, based on what my friend was telling me and us continually hooking up and having this connection every time we saw each other, combined with my knowledge of her past, and her coming on so strong saying things like, “I never stopped thinking about you while we were apart”, “Being away from you made me know I want to be with you”, “You’re different and special to me compared to everybody else”, and then following up with actions showing commitment like introducing me to her family and friends, meeting my family, inviting me on her family vacation, had me thinking she was over the running around phase, felt the same connection I did, and truly wanted to be with me.

 

It sounds like she made an attempt to convince herself she wanted more with you, but she doesn't. Her cheating on you should have been enough. But you took her back, even with her history of promiscuity. Fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me.

 

Maybe I’m just naive and believed that I was different to her and things would be different with me. That this connection I thought we had was unique. I think a lot had to do with my knowledge that she had serious relationships in her past and seemed like the type of girl that took committed relationships seriously

 

Yet she cheated on you and you took her back. If she cheated on you, you might be able to make this justification to an extent. But even then it's rare that a women you hook up with turns into something more. She hooked up with you and all these other guys. Does that lead you to believe she has healthy or unhealthy boundaries with sex? She cheated, and you still took her back. That's on you. You only think you know her past. I guarantee there's a lot of other guys you know nothing about. You think you're the first guy she's cheated on?

 

I’m also having a very tough time reconciling the person that I thought I knew and had a relationship with, compared to the person she has shown me that she might truly be.

 

I’m not sure if she isn’t a nice/considerate person or if these things that she has done are one-offs and due to her being a young single girl.

 

I know this is messed up but I can’t stop making this about me. I often think and question, “why wasn’t I and/or the relationship enough to make this girl want to be with me in the way I wanted to be with her?”

 

It's common to be confused by that paradox. Who is this person that I thought I knew? The person she is now is who she always was, post-honeymoon. The girl that wants nothing to do with you romantically. She's making it clear to you to not give you any hope. There's nothing you can say or do. Some women are just not girlfriend material. You can't turn a hoe into a housewife. You can't save her. You can't change her. There's nothing wrong with you, but there's this myth that men have that if she can just see how good I would be to her, how much I care, how much I don't hold x, y, and z against her, she'll change for me. Mismatched interest levels is pretty common. But there's nothing you can do about it. I don't think she even knows what a healthy relationship looks like. She's a cheater.

 

The fact is she's in her party years, and she might get into the epiphany stage later in life, but a lot of these women come out of their party years so damaged they'll never make a good girlfriend or wife.

 

One common denominator is you have to stop drinking so much. That's a serious problem. Because you let out all these bottled up emotions. The fact you felt you had to have alcohol to communicate your true feelings and never did so during the relationship tells me you don't have healthy boundaries.

Edited May 7, 2019 by TheFinalWord

[mark clemson]

We started dating again. Again very intensely off the bat. Quickly she introduces me to her whole family. Talks of future plans like trips and owning a dog together. Everything seems like a fairytale once again. She tells me she loves me first. Eventually I tell her I love her too a few weeks later. We have a few small fights (one medium size one) this time due to some of my trust issues with her so it’s not all perfect but I was working on it and she was doing her best to help as well. I’m under the impression everything is great though, we love each other and that’s only growing stronger, we have a whole future coming to us. She invites me on her families Christmas vacation. I’m ecstatic, the girl I’ve been wanting back this whole time is telling me she loves me and pushing the pace of the relationship. I’d say about 4 or 5 days into the 7 day trip she starts acting weird, distant, I ask her whats wrong and she says everything is fine, eventually snapping at me at dinner our last night (I tell her not to snap at me), something is seriously off so I try to give her space.

 

2 days after we get back she breaks up with me. ...

 

(Truly don't get how she can say that. The way she would look at me, kiss me, light up around me, how affectionate she was, the things she would say, texting me at 1am just to tell me how much she loves me...)

 

It may help you to realize that she probably isn't normal emotionally and may have a personality disorder or other issue. Everyone's feelings can fade, but it's not normal to go from super lovey-dovey to "done with you" in a few days like that.

 

There seem to be two main possibilities - either she was faking her emotional interest in you or her feelings just switched off suddenly. Either way that's not normal. (Unless you did something during that trip to really upset her, which it doesn't sound like you did.)

 

She may be all pretty and bubbly and soft, but this sort of thing she does is associated with disorders like borderline, narcissism, and sociopathy. I'm not saying she has those issues, or that it's her "fault" she's this way, but something definitely seems off.

 

Unfortunately you didn't dodge this bullet. She's been with you and gone (more than once) and you're left with the emotional fallout of being in love with someone who just doesn't process emotions the way you do.

 

What you should realize is that if you actually had what you think you want, you'd just be stuck all over again. In love with someone who's not normal emotionally and will just hurt you again.

 

I think your best move, especially after this drunken venting at the party, is to just ignore her completely. Process your feelings so that you are over her and move on.

 

You may not have much choice in the matter anyhow, but recognize that you are actually much better off without her and that she (possibly unintentionally) is going to be nothing but pain for men with normal feelings.

 

There's no law that says she has to treat you decently in a relationship. There's also no law that says you have to treat her well socially. If it was me, I'd probably try to simply ignore her.

 

Welcome to your first encounter with the world of disordered personalities. Sorry that it was such a doozy for you...

[elaine567]

Everyone's feelings can fade, but it's not normal to go from super lovey-dovey to "done with you" in a few days like that.

I do not think it is that uncommon.

I think many women tend to hide their feelings when things are not going that great, they also tend to overcompensate, maybe in an attempt to convince themselves it is all really fine or because they feel sorry for the poor guy she knows she is about to leave.... "I really do love you", then "Sorry it is all over... "

When things are not fine, all it needs then is a tiny spark to light the bomb and it is all over. Some trivial thing hardly noticeable is added to the stock pile of her grievances and there is no going back.

Seems like it is a snap decision but usually it is a long time coming, as it was here if you read her long list of reasons for the split.

[mark clemson]

@elaine - yes, I suppose rugsweeping and attempting to overcompensate as you say is another possibility. It's possible she has these bad strategies for dealing with R issues - so more being phony (faking love while really feeling otherwise) in an attempt to get past the issues rather than true personality problems. If that's the case sounds like she won herself an Emmy, as least as far as OP's concerned.

 

I find it interesting that his friends warned him about her. Either way there seems to be an observable pattern here.

[ExpatInItaly]

Don’t contact her anymore, OP. An apology to her won’t undo it and is very unlikely to make anything better.

 

But do apologize to the birthday boy/girl, if you haven’t already. You already know your behaviour was appallingly awful but she isn’t the only one you should be worried about offending. You owe a sincere sorry to the person having the party for being a jerk and putting such a sour note on the party.

[lax16]

If she's a hoe, she's a hoe. Stop excusing her poor behavior on her being naive. She's an adult and knows what she's doing. By her age, she isn't going to change. She'll go from guy to guy and will eventually get married and divorced. I can already predict it. Her high count should have been a red flag to you, not her relationships in high school.

 

Does that lead you to believe she has healthy or unhealthy boundaries with sex? She cheated, and you still took her back. That's on you. You only think you know her past. I guarantee there's a lot of other guys you know nothing about. You think you're the first guy she's cheated on?

 

I don't think she even knows what a healthy relationship looks like. She's a cheater.

 

It's hard for me to buy that she doesn't know what a healthy relationship looks like because her last boyfriend, in college, she dated for 3 years and lived with him for a year. But yes, I have no idea what the dynamics or anything were like.

 

Serious question, not trying to defend her, but in this day and age of hook up culture, partner counts are getting higher for both genders and promiscuity is more acceptable. At what point is it over the line? At what point does it point to somebody not having healthy boundaries with sex? A lot of girls I went to college with, and know post college, certainly have slept around. Maybe it's just the scene that I am in, I don't know.

 

It may help you to realize that she probably isn't normal emotionally and may have a personality disorder or other issue. Everyone's feelings can fade, but it's not normal to go from super lovey-dovey to "done with you" in a few days like that.

 

She may be all pretty and bubbly and soft, but this sort of thing she does is associated with disorders like borderline, narcissism, and sociopathy. I'm not saying she has those issues, or that it's her "fault" she's this way, but something definitely seems off.

 

My therapist seems pretty sure she at the very least exhibits traits of a person with a personality disorder. Everything I have read on the topic, it always seems that there are things that match up to what I experienced, but sometimes I think I'm just slapping a label on it/jamming a square peg into a round hole to try to find some sort of reason this happened.

 

At the very least, I'm coming to a realization that she is very self absorbed. Still doesn't make me feel better about it most of the time, but I try to remind myself in order to balance out the face that I still idealize her.

 

I still get sad and miss that amazing girl that I was with and the happy moments we had together. But I try to remind myself of the messed up things shes done and see the whole picture and that that sweet amazing girl is only a part of her personality. Tough to reconcile and accept.

 

Still sometimes struggle with the thought, "If she loved me enough, none of these things would have happened. Why wasn't I/us enough to quell whatever she had going on to want to be with me?"

 

I don't know how I got here...

 

Don’t contact her anymore, OP. An apology to her won’t undo it and is very unlikely to make anything better.

 

But do apologize to the birthday boy/girl, if you haven’t already. You already know your behaviour was appallingly awful but she isn’t the only one you should be worried about offending. You owe a sincere sorry to the person having the party for being a jerk and putting such a sour note on the party.

 

I actually will not be apologizing to the birthday boy. He knew weeks ago that I did not want her there because I specifically asked him not to invite her and he acknowledged my request and said of course not. As somebody that is supposed to be a good friend, why would he invite my ex girlfriend to his birthday party at all? Especially when I asked him not to. They're not actually friends, they are only friendly because of me and my best friend who is dating her sister. He at the very least could have asked me how I felt about it when she contacted him asking if she could come.

[Blanco]

You still behaved like a petulant child and that is no doubt the part of they party everyone in attendance will remember/talk about. He didn't need to invite her, but you're old enough where acting as you describe is inexcusable. It wasn't your party. You were a guest and it sounds like you made a drunken, volatile fool of yourself. You owe the host an apology just for that.

 

The right move would have been to ignore her or said "hello" and avoided her the rest of the night. Then another time, you could just talk to your friend one-on-one and express disappoint me that she was still there after you had told him ahead of time how you felt about it.

[TheFinalWord]

It's hard for me to buy that she doesn't know what a healthy relationship looks like because her last boyfriend, in college, she dated for 3 years and lived with him for a year. But yes, I have no idea what the dynamics or anything were like.

 

All you know is the length of the relationship, not the quality. It obviously ended, so there was dysfunction. Quantity does not equal quality.

 

Serious question, not trying to defend her, but in this day and age of hook up culture, partner counts are getting higher for both genders and promiscuity is more acceptable. At what point is it over the line? At what point does it point to somebody not having healthy boundaries with sex? A lot of girls I went to college with, and know post college, certainly have slept around. Maybe it's just the scene that I am in, I don't know.

 

Biological reality > social constructs. During sex, bonding chemicals are released (same chemicals in breast milk that bonds a baby to its mother). When that bond is broken, it leads to anxiety and depression, as you are experiencing. Do you think having more or less braking of pair bonding experiences, will lead to healthier or unhealthier relationships/ increase or decrease the chance of a quality marriage? We usually conceptualize this idea in one word: baggage. This isn't even considering the repercussions of creating this pair bonding experience with a toxic mate. Who knows how that impacts a person's psychology and future capacity to pair bond for a life long partnership.

 

When a couple engages in sexual behavior, neurotransmitters, such as oxytocin, vasopressin and dopamine stimulate formation of synaptic connections in the brain, associating the pleasure of sex with the partners involved, encouraging them to bond and to have more sex together, leading to the beginning of a family unit.

 

However, when an individual choses to engage in casual sex, breaking bond after bond with each new sexual partner, the brain forms a new synaptic map of one-night –stands. This pattern becomes the “new normal” for the individual. When and if the individual later desires to find a more permanent partner, the brain mapping will have to be overcome, making a permanent bond more difficult to achieve. Fletcher GJO, Simpson JA, Campbell L and Overall NC, “Pair-Bonding, Romantic Love, and Evolution: The Curious Case of Homo sapiens, “ Perspectives on Psychological Science 2015, Vol. 10(1) 20-36.

 

Less people are getting married now a days, because it used to be marriage was the way to have access to safe and consistent sex. Now, everyone gives it up on the first date, and half the time not even on a date. What is the incentive to get married?

 

Research says cohabitation in the U.S. is rising, while marriage is declining

 

It's a bit of a misnomer that there is a casual hook up culture. Casual sex is more glorified in the media and porn has become highly accessible. But nearly 30% of men did not have sex in 2018, tripling in the last decade. Why? Less marriage.

 

Nearly 1/3 of men age 18-29 did not have sex in 2018

Anyway, good luck OP. I know you feel sorry for the mistakes you made. Try to use this ordeal to learn and grow, so history does not repeat itself.

Edited May 9, 2019 by TheFinalWord

[ExpatInItaly]

I actually will not be apologizing to the birthday boy. He knew weeks ago that I did not want her there because I specifically asked him not to invite her and he acknowledged my request and said of course not. As somebody that is supposed to be a good friend, why would he invite my ex girlfriend to his birthday party at all? Especially when I asked him not to. They're not actually friends, they are only friendly because of me and my best friend who is dating her sister. He at the very least could have asked me how I felt about it when she contacted him asking if she could come.

 

Newsflash, OP - the world and this birthday party do not revolve around you. You don't get to control the guest list, and you don't get permission to behave like a complete jerk and spoil it when you don't get your way.

 

At the very least, you could have walked away and not caused a scene at a party in which you are not in charge of the guest list.

 

The sense of entitlement in you post above speaks to a level of immaturity and self-centredness you would be wise to reflect on. It may have something to do with your current single status.

[lax16]

I’ve already said that I know that the way I acted was out of line. I know that I should not have even acknowledged her being there. I’m well aware that what I did was wrong.

 

If they truly were good friends, I would understand inviting her, but they’re not. I have been friends with this guy for 15 years. He knows she broke my heart, I asked him not to invite her prior for pretty obvious reasons, and when I requested that, he understood and said I won’t. There is nothing self centered about expecting friends to do the right thing for a friend. I would never have invited a friends ex to any gathering I was putting together. And if it were a situation I was in, I’d ask how my friend felt about it, because I’m Not self centered and consider other people’s circumstances and feelings.

 

If her sisters boyfriend could see that it was inappropriate for her to be there and told her not to come, and all of my other friends agreed she shouldn’t have been there and our friend should not have invited her, it’s not for no reason, it’s not out of line to expect this guy to have considered how this would affect me, a supposed friend.

 

Again, doesn’t excuse what I did, but doesn’t make what my friend did ok either.

[I'veseenbetterlol]

I am so beyond confused and hurt. I know things were not perfect but it felt like we were completely in love with each other with so much to come that we were both excited about, that we had an incredible connection, i truly thought that she was "the one" the first time we dated, she came back to me and this go was even deeper and reaffirmed those feelings and out of nowhere this is what happened after everything we’ve been through. No difficult conversations of her telling me things that are bothering her or making her unhappy.

 

 

I've had enough experiences like this to determine what they tell you is all BS. If she did care about you, there would be no way that she would just up and leave you. If she comes around again, do not take her back. She will pull the same stunt if you allow that to happen.

Edited May 10, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
quote edited

[ExpatInItaly]

If her sisters boyfriend could see that it was inappropriate for her to be there and told her not to come, and all of my other friends agreed she shouldn’t have been there and our friend should not have invited her, it’s not for no reason, it’s not out of line to expect this guy to have considered how this would affect me, a supposed friend..

 

No, but it is out of line to behave the way you did when you didn't get what you wanted. It's not what mature adults do. It is puzzling to me that you can't seem to get that, and continue to rationalize your lack of consideration for all those in attendance.

 

Anyway, it's done and over now. She isn't coming back and you need to come to terms with it and learn to handle your emotions in a more constructive way. You would also be wise to heed red flags when you see them rather than sticking around for more trouble.

[lax16]

I only read your first post so far in this thread because I'm crunched for time, but right off the bat this girl sounds emotionally unavailable and like she loves to play the field. Wouldn't be surprised if she was selfish.

 

I had a friend who reminds me of the one in your post. She loves to sleep with multiple men at the time, did this even in the context of an "exclusive" relationship. Any time a man actually gave her a relationship, it turned her feelings sour and made her run. She feels it as an impingement on her freedom and as pressure, yet also desires a relationship but just isn't ready for one/hasn't worked through her stuff enough to maintain her feelings or monogamy.

 

To me, it sounds like once you guys were exclusive, it threw cold water over all her feelings. She's still on the run, still wants to sleep around, isn't ready for anything deeper. She'll try to justify and rationalize it by making lists of reasons to explain the sudden change of heart. Just a word to the wise, when you do actually move on, don't be surprised if she comes sniffing back in your direction. It will be more of the same.

 

They sound pretty similar as I examine this more. She said she felt partly contained, like I held her down, yet I never once told/asked her not to do anything. She went and did whatever, with whoever, whenever and I was supportive of that. I guess just the idea of having to think of somebody else (me) when making plans/decisions whatever it may be can feel restricting to somebody like this? I can’t really identify with that since I’ve never felt that before.

 

The listing of made up rationalizations strikes a chord as well with me. The things she said when breaking up with me were so out of left field. I still truly have no idea where these things came from. It’s like what relationship was I in and what relationship was she in?

 

It's common to be confused by that paradox. Who is this person that I thought I knew? The person she is now is who she always was, post-honeymoon. The girl that wants nothing to do with you romantically. She's making it clear to you to not give you any hope. There's nothing you can say or do. Some women are just not girlfriend material. You can't turn a hoe into a housewife. You can't save her. You can't change her. There's nothing wrong with you, but there's this myth that men have that if she can just see how good I would be to her, how much I care, how much I don't hold x, y, and z against her, she'll change for me. Mismatched interest levels is pretty common. But there's nothing you can do about it. I don't think she even knows what a healthy relationship looks like. She's a cheater..

 

For some reason, and this may seem odd, the fact that people are who they are, that they have their own personalities that drive their behavior, this is something I am struggling to come to terms with. Maybe because I’ve grown up with mostly good people and running into somebody like my ex that treats people in the way she does is foreign to me or maybe only because for the first time it’s directly affected me. Maybe it’s because her personality is so bubbly, friendly, kind, empathetic, seems like a good, nice, normal person, appears to be the same kind of person as the rest of my friends, that the self absorbed, selfish, untrustworthy actions are such a stark contrast it’s like how can the same person posses character traits on polar opposites on the spectrum of “good and bad”. Maybe it’s because I’m in general a good, considerate person, that I can’t possibly comprehend what drives her sort of behavior because my brain simply isn’t wired like that.

 

For whatever reason in my head I’ve been thinking, if she had loved me the way I loved her, if I was enough for her, something for her would “click” and she would be ready for a serious relationship and want to be with me and only me and treat me amazing and I guess ultimately be this amazing person, that any of these negative parts of her personality would melt away or switch off. Almost like somebody could “tame” her and I beat myself up asking why wasn’t I enough to be that person. I’m not sure why this idea or thought process is in my head. This being my first real love and first real break up has lead to a ton of introspection and examining of people/relationships. I hope what I’ve said above makes sense, I was finding it hard to verbalize my internal thoughts on this.