Was involved with a separated MM who is now finally D and guess what he does?

[ladybug1984]

I won't even get into these dysfunctional relationships I seem to find. This post is about "H" who I met him in a professional setting and knew him as a friend for several years. I had been going through a very, very rough patch in life in several areas, he had been separated from his wife for about a year (this is NOT the same person as in earlier posts from years back). I was going through some really bad personal times when I ran into him again and he told me he had been separated from his wife for about a year and they were going through a lengthy divorce (had been married over 20 years). He showed me the papers so it was legit. We had a very close relationship where I got really invested, and so did he........promises of this, that, and everything, soul mates, etc. But was not going to be anything physical until he was legally out of that R and me in a better place with all else I had going in my life.

 

 

 

So I got a text from him about a month before it was to be final telling me that he thought we should just be friends. Just a few days prior we had spent the day doing fun things, he was totally invested in the relationship, it was one of the best days I had in a long, long time and it seemed the same way for him. THE most incredible day ever. Two days later, he texts and says we should just be friends, drop the emotional connection and investment and he was sorry if he broke my heart. He called me immediately and said the same thing, but was very tearful. I moved on with my life. It was an awful month. I had this connection and 'friendship' or whatever it was for over a year with him. I know that isn't very long, but the emotional investment was GREAT. I lost a lot of sleep, energy, weight, and who knows what else before finally getting my head in a good place of acceptance. Until...................he reaches out again a month or so later and convinces me to get back to the way things are. I do it. Talks about a future, how he cannot see it without me in it, etc. Then........... three weeks later. He texts and says the D was final (it was delayed a bit, but finally finalized). He needs time to 'be single and mourn the loss of his 20 year R". NO contact at all for several months, then sends me a random text saying he is doing well, working a lot, not going out with anyone or in a R, etc. I send something back saying that I wish him the best. I had already steeled myself earlier again for the 'just friends' thing and had moved on with my life. He says he isn't seeing anyone else but he has two women on his social media accounts that "like" everything he posts AND I have seen on theirs (YES, I looked while trying to move on past all of this), at least the public ones, he likes 'certain' pics of them (usually the profile pics that are open and public and where they are looking somewhat like they are looking for dates, if that makes sense -unlike other women on his page who post pics of their families, dogs, hobbies, etc. - he never likes those - only the more 'appealing' FB pics.

 

 

Bottom line, he was u ntil recently still in this "I'm trying to get past my marriage and need space" thing but had previously told me for months that as soon as the D was final, he wanted a 'real' relationship once I was ready. It has been six'ish months and he had still not been reaching out except for a random text here and there where it's just random conversation. I know nothing about what he is doing, who he is talking to, or anything else other than seeing all of the social media 'likes' and comments (going both ways). I did get something FINALLY last week saying he wanted to try and reconnect. I cannot help but think he was going out with people all along and he discovered he just didn't really like it or didn't find anybody else that appealing, and I am a 'plan b'.

 

 

 

I don't know how to feel about the hot/cold thing with completely getting my hopes up and then dropping me days later - not once but twice, and then this whole 'needing space' for six months when for a year, it's all he talked about (being 'free' and with me in his life the 'right' way with no relationship entanglements).

 

I would love to hear any thoughts on this. I honestly don't know how to feel. My emotions have been pulled too many times, I am numb and don't think I could handle doing it again. I seriously have no intention of being anything more than a friend to him at this point no matter how much I care.

[preraph]

Something similar is what normally happens to the OW. Once they're really divorced, they no longer have to just be involved with a woman who will keep their secret from their wife and friends, but they are now free to date anyone and everyone, and that's just what they nearly always will choose to do. The last thing a newly divorced man wants is another SO he has to answer to and stay committed to. He may stay single a good while, or he may be the married type and find himself someone new to marry.

[Aloha123]

I think from what I have read that is pretty typical -- the MM leaves his wife only to dump the OW as well!

[ladybug1984]

I can be so naive. It's embarrassing. I should have seen this coming, but I am and was so naive. I thought because when I reconnected with him he had been separated for a whole year and had papers to prove it. Is this truly the norm for someone finally leaving a LT marriage even after making promises and commitments? And why reach out to me six months later? Is he legitimately wanting something now or just trying to reel me in again only to roll over my emotions like a steam roller again? Is 'needing space' after a LT marriage just another way of saying "i want to experiment and hook up with as many people as possible and then maybe I'll come back and see if you want to reconnect." Or is that me being way off-base?

 

Also, wondering about the 'not seeing anyone' during those six months and he is coming back because none of those worked out. I want to believe him when he says there was no one, but something in my mind just says it's a possibility. Especially with all of that social media activity. Is THAT normal? Liking and commenting on women's posts - but only certain women and certain types of pics - if nothing is there? I just have a gut feel that I am being played, but have nothing to back it up.

[Aloha123]

Is 'needing space' after a LT marriage just another way of saying "i want to experiment and hook up with as many people as possible and then maybe I'll come back and see if you want to reconnect." .

 

Probably, yes, that's exactly what it is.

[ladybug1984]

Wondering how I respond when I hear from him again. Which I will. He seems intent on picking this back up where it left off - Like I can just turn on/off feelings at will. After the heartbreak he caused, I am extremely skeptical right now and not wanting to go down that road again. Seriously don't know how to respond when I hear back from him.

 

ALoha, it is hard to read that, but truly think that might have been it. As much as he needed someone to talk to during those months he was separated - I know because we talked a LOT -to all of a sudden go cold with NO contact? I don't see how he did that. It was just too much of a sudden shift. Thus my skepticism.

 

Am interested in what other readers say about it all as well.

[preraph]

He went out there and tried to date and to see what he could get.

 

But here's the thing you can't overlook: He wasn't satisfied that you were a keeper and he left in search of hoping he could do better. Do you want to always have that in the back of your head, that he's just settling for you?

 

My guess is he went on social media and got his balls busted like everyone does and is now ready to get laid and get some validation from you, like you always provided, that he is an attractive desirable man to pump himself back up and then will go right back out there.

 

If you really cared about someone and thought you might want to be with them in a serious way, would you ever dump them and then disappear for six months? Of course not. He's probably coming back to lean on you like he did in the separation, to get comfort, to get validation, and to use you. And remember that if he will cheat on his wife, he will think nothing of cheating on and lying to you or any next woman.

[ladybug1984]

Preraph, he says he needed space to think through his feelings, to get past the sadness of his marriage ending, his relationship with his kids, etc. He and the wife were long separated when I met him, and she had already moved on with someone else as well, so I don't see it as either of them cheating - but I do in my gut feel like he went out seeking to see what he could find after the D and that i am his 'plan b'. How can I ever be at peace knowing that's what it was, when it's something I could never 'prove'? What if what he is telling me is 100% spot on and I give up a loving relationship that was meant to be all on a 'gut feel'??

 

An WHAT do I say to him when I hear from him again if I decide that I do need to just let it go? I care for him a lot - but don't want to show that card. I don't need to cave and saying that, he would find a way to reel me back in. I'm not showing my hand AT ALL in this!

[ladybug1984]

He went out there and tried to date and to see what he could get.

 

My guess is he went on social media and got his balls busted like everyone does and is now ready to get laid and get some validation from you, like you always provided, that he is an attractive desirable man to pump himself back up and then will go right back out there.

 

If you really cared about someone and thought you might want to be with them in a serious way, would you ever dump them and then disappear for six months? Of course not. He's probably coming back to lean on you like he did in the separation, to get comfort, to get validation, and to use you. And remember that if he will cheat on his wife, he will think nothing of cheating on and lying to you or any next woman.

 

 

When he dumped me, he used the line "but we will always be friends"...........never said he was dumping me, but I got the "we will always be friends" line as well as "it's not you, it's me" to go with it. Aren't those cop outs??? Again, this was TWO DAYS after what I saw as an incredible day with promise after promise. To say I was devastated is an understatement. It took me a long, long time to get my head on straight after that. And then I still let him back in one more time. To answer your question, NO, I would never do that to someone I cared about! Maybe he sees it as something other than dumping since he so carefully packaged it as "let's be friends' and "it's not you, it's me"..................

 

Can you share more about getting out there on social media - is it rough out there??? honestly, I've never done on-line-dating and/or really trying to meet love interests through social media. Just not my thing, probably because I'm a 40-something and not part of that younger set that seems to do everything online. I had always thought for those who didn't mind on using technology that way, it was EASY - all kinds of people on those dating apps, people with all sorts of interests ranging from easy hook-ups to people wanting real relationships. Surely he couldn't have had THAT hard of a time with it??? Please share more about what you mean

[ExpatInItaly]

I would block him and be done with it, OP.

 

He has shown you several times that the feelings you have for him are not mutual. You are going to continue to get hurt by getting your hopes up when he messages you then feeling disappointed when he still doesn't want something more serious with you.

 

As long as you permit him any access to you, you will remain stuck.

[Aloha123]

It seems like you made quite a bit of progress moving on with your life, so if I were you I would not backtrack and have to start your "recovery" from scratch.

[DKT3]

Transitional relationship (aka rebound) empty intamatcy and fake love.

 

A lot of men look for a woman who can ease them from a long term relationship into single life or his next substantial relationship.

[ladybug1984]

Yes, I do see now that it probably was a rebound relationship for him - never really thought about that as I don't think I've ever been in a rebound relationship before, even though I KNOW that rebound relationships exist. Just didn't put two and two together. I seriously am curious if he was with other people - is there a way I can legitimately find out? I wouldn't even begin to know how to use a dating site - and if I could figure it out, how could I easily find him out of a sea of thousands? I think if I could find him out there, it would make me feel even better about just blocking him and letting it all go.

[ladybug1984]

DEFINITELY made good progress moving on and don't want to start over with recovery! BUT..................seriously want to do some intel to see if he is/was with other people! I think that would be the nail in the coffin of 'NC' that I need to be 100% sure. Knowing he had to talk to me EVERY day when he was living on his own and how he just wasn't comfortable being by myself makes me wonder how he could just flip a switch and go to not needing ANY female conversation or companionship for SIX months. Maybe some personalities, but not HIM. Which is why I remain skeptical.

[stillafool]

What difference does it make if he was seeing others or not. He didn't keep his promise to you and has friend zoned you twice. Why do you need more proof that you aren't a priority to him? I think you need to stop snooping on him, block him from contacting you and then heal.

[pepperbird]

Sounds to me like you're the "rebound girl".

 

 

 

You got him back on his feet and now he's off and running.

[preraph]

He dumped you and stayed gone for six months. Would you do that to someone if you were interested in having a serious relationship with them? Of course not.

 

There's plenty of posts about online dating on this board, so just go read them. Most people find it very frustrating that only people they aren't attracted to give them the time of day.

[ladybug1984]

YES, I know it doesn't really matter what I find out, but I feel this need to at least investigate. In an odd way, I think it will make me feel better about my decision to block him. He DID just get out of a 20+ year marriage, so maybe he DOES need that time to himself - that's the only thing lingering in the shadows of my mind. Since I have never 'been there done that' how do I know that I wouldn't feel the same if it were ME getting out of a relationship of that long? Maybe he is being 100% completely transparent with me and needed that time...................I need to get rid of this lingering doubt about that and I think I can move on. And knowing if he was with others would certainly help me to know.

 

 

Does anybody think that he legitimately COULD have needed that time to heal and get his thoughts together after ending a relationship of THAT duration???? That isn't totally unreasonable and out of the realm of possibilities, is it??? Or am I really just being naive?

[ladybug1984]

Preraph, maybe it was slightly shorter than 6 month - I don't know if it was EXACTLY six months - just close to it. Would it have mattered if it was, say, 4 1/2 months? At what point did it become "too long" to stay away - hypothetically speaking, what if it was a matter of 3-4 weeks (it wasn't)? Is it more the fact that he stayed away at all or that it is a factor of HOW LONG that absence was???? Just trying to make sense of it all.

[ladybug1984]

Sorry about the multiple posts, I just thought of something else............when he finally reached back out was after seeing a post of mine with a 'going out' tag on it, all dressed up, and really after thinking about it, could have APPEARED that I was going out for a night on the town (which I rarely do). Somewhat interesting that the next day is when he reached back out.............maybe he saw I was finally getting my life back? Prior to that, posts involved work, my dogs, or random memes. I don't usually post pics of myself at all except with female friends and relatives. Any meaning behind the timing of him reaching out??

[Mrs._December]

Wondering how I respond when I hear from him again. Which I will. He seems intent on picking this back up where it left off - Like I can just turn on/off feelings at will. After the heartbreak he caused, I am extremely skeptical right now and not wanting to go down that road again. Seriously don't know how to respond when I hear back from him.

 

ALoha, it is hard to read that, but truly think that might have been it. As much as he needed someone to talk to during those months he was separated - I know because we talked a LOT -to all of a sudden go cold with NO contact? I don't see how he did that. It was just too much of a sudden shift. Thus my skepticism.

 

Am interested in what other readers say about it all as well.

The only question I have for you is, how many more times are you going to put your hand on the red-hot stove and get burned - yet again - before you finally realize that you shouldn't be putting your hand on the red-hot stove?

[Mrs._December]

YES, I know it doesn't really matter what I find out, but I feel this need to at least investigate. In an odd way, I think it will make me feel better about my decision to block him. He DID just get out of a 20+ year marriage, so maybe he DOES need that time to himself - that's the only thing lingering in the shadows of my mind. Since I have never 'been there done that' how do I know that I wouldn't feel the same if it were ME getting out of a relationship of that long? Maybe he is being 100% completely transparent with me and needed that time...................I need to get rid of this lingering doubt about that and I think I can move on. And knowing if he was with others would certainly help me to know.

 

Does anybody think that he legitimately COULD have needed that time to heal and get his thoughts together after ending a relationship of THAT duration???? That isn't totally unreasonable and out of the realm of possibilities, is it??? Or am I really just being naive?

Keep making excuses to accept the unacceptable, LadyBug.

 

With every excuse you make for his **** behavior and his constant disrespect towards you, you lower that bar just a little bit more.

[mark clemson]

Sweetie, you're clearly his Plan B.

 

IF he comes back and IF you actually want him one more time around (I don't think you should) then INSIST on being Plan A. Make that extremely clear to him before taking him back again, if you do.

 

Agree with the above advice to just let him go completely as best approach.

 

Getting a "user" vibe here and this whole thing is clearly making you unhappy. As you clearly realize, the sudden drop offs are not normal behavior from someone with sincere feelings. Actions speaking louder than words.

[standtall]

OP...sorry to say this, but you are in the friendzone. He used you emotionally for a while when he needed it, but he is not interested in you beyond that.

[BaileyB]

Preraph, maybe it was slightly shorter than 6 month - I don't know if it was EXACTLY six months - just close to it. Would it have mattered if it was, say, 4 1/2 months? At what point did it become "too long" to stay away - hypothetically speaking, what if it was a matter of 3-4 weeks (it wasn't)?

 

Do you really want to argue semantics? What if it’s six months, three days, four hours, and 26 minutes... Do you see how ridiculous this sounds?

 

This man wanted to explore other options, and he left you. Why would you ever consider taking him back - whether it is six days, six weeks, or six months?

 

Surely you deserve more than this...