Was involved with a separated MM who is now finally D and guess what he does?

[ladybug1984]

YES - I need to find a way to get a grip. I am really out of control right now. And nobody to talk to about it (((

[Mr. Lucky]

I guess it's a little different from someone struggling to stay NC with a married man, mine isn't, but it's still NC I need to do.

 

You stay NC with a married man because he's unavailable, something this guy is the very definition of.

 

ladybug1984, according to your OP you haven't slept with him. And he's been divorcing his wife for the last 12 months or more, all the while supposedly not "dating". Do you think he's been celibate for the past year? Given his interest in women online, not very likely.

 

Can't help but wonder why this broken man and dysfunctional relationship is all you think you deserve?

 

Mr. Lucky

[stillafool]

When you have the mindset of being afraid to lose someone who is not yours already, you've already lost them.

[ladybug1984]

You stay NC with a married man because he's unavailable, something this guy is the very definition of.

 

ladybug1984, according to your OP you haven't slept with him. And he's been divorcing his wife for the last 12 months or more, all the while supposedly not "dating". Do you think he's been celibate for the past year? Given his interest in women online, not very likely.

 

Can't help but wonder why this broken man and dysfunctional relationship is all you think you deserve?

 

Mr. Lucky

 

 

NOOO, Mr. Lucky. He IS officially divorced now. But I think I need to stay NC because of his - what i believe to be - poor behavior. I do think he has likely been celibate. He works all of the time, pretty much. And he said he was celibate - I asked! Though now I'm not convinced I really even believe that.

 

 

 

It's not that I don't think I deserve the best - I don't see him as broken or dysfunctional, I just see him as a normal human being who has issues. what if someone gave up on me just because I had problems? And we all do. I guess I don't see him as dysfunctional or broken. Can you elaborate more on why this would describe him as opposed to a regular person like all of us with problems? I am trying to understand, I really am.

[ladybug1984]

When you have the mindset of being afraid to lose someone who is not yours already, you've already lost them.

 

 

But he COULD since he is divorced - why couldn't he be ANYBODY's now? For a long time he gave the impression that he WAS mine. Something just clicked with him after the divorce became official. I don't know what it was. But that was when it happened. I can pinpoint it. Just wish I knew whether it truly is him needing more time and space on his own or if he just found someone else.

[elaine567]

Something just clicked with him after the divorce became official. I don't know what it was. But that was when it happened. I can pinpoint it. Just wish I knew whether it truly is him needing more time and space on his own or if he just found someone else.

 

Or he realised that he was then "free", so he didn't need you any more.

It's not uncommon,

There is a name for someone who helps a person cross from their marriage into the normal world again.

That person is called "the bridge". They bridge the gap between marriage and the new single life.

They often get dumped on divorce or as soon as the divorced person starts feeling normal and ready to meet the world again.

[Aloha123]

There is a name for someone who helps a person cross from their marriage into the normal world again.

That person is called "the bridge". They bridge the gap between marriage and the new single life.

They often get dumped on divorce or as soon as the divorced person starts feeling normal and ready to meet the world again.

 

It's also called an exit affair.

[elaine567]

It's also called an exit affair.

 

But Ladybug was not in an "exit affair", he was already separated from his wife for a year when they got together.

[Aloha123]

But Ladybug was not in an "exit affair", he was already separated from his wife for a year when they got together.

 

Oh ok. I have such a hard time keeping all of these threads straight. The OW who was seeing the MM before he was married but is still involved with him, the MM who has left his wife but still does not want to be with the OW, the MM who says he's going to leave his wife for the OW, but does not . . . it's so hard to distinguish one situation from the next. Common thread is that all of them go exactly according to script.

Edited March 26, 2019 by Aloha123

[Mr. Lucky]

Can you elaborate more on why this would describe him as opposed to a regular person like all of us with problems? I am trying to understand, I really am.

 

Going to guess you didn't try to solve your "problems" by using other people, holding them emotionally hostage or making false promises, the old future faking. He's kept you at arms length in case he needs you, without a single consideration as to whether this was the best thing for you.

 

Whatever you call that, it isn't love, friendship or regard for your well-being. He's a user and sees you only as something to make him feel better. Not solid grounds for a healthy relationship...

 

Mr. Lucky

[HadMeOverABarrel]

Going to guess you didn't try to solve your "problems" by using other people, holding them emotionally hostage or making false promises, the old future faking. He's kept you at arms length in case he needs you, without a single consideration as to whether this was the best thing for you.

 

Whatever you call that, it isn't love, friendship or regard for your well-being. He's a user and sees you only as something to make him feel better. Not solid grounds for a healthy relationship...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Mr. Lucky NAILED IT!!! I had to experience a lot of pain to completely understand this. When it hurts, it isn't love. When you realize this is when you begin to experience actual real love...FOR YOURSELF!

[preraph]

My advice is simple. You need to be dating other people. You don't know what the future will bring with him. Yes, it's probable he's an emotional mess post-divorce. He's got to adjust to a new life. It's also possible he'll rebound again before he's ready just to get sex and validation. It's also possible once he levels out and feels better and is a single man without emotional issues, he will feel FREEEEEEE and start dating everyone who will have him, as most married men I've known did post-divorce.

 

You can't wait for him. Just discreetly date other people and keep in touch with him. Don't wait and invest in something that hasn't much chance of ending well considering he left you for months once before.

[ladybug1984]

My advice is simple. You need to be dating other people. You don't know what the future will bring with him. Yes, it's probable he's an emotional mess post-divorce. He's got to adjust to a new life. It's also possible he'll rebound again before he's ready just to get sex and validation. It's also possible once he levels out and feels better and is a single man without emotional issues, he will feel FREEEEEEE and start dating everyone who will have him, as most married men I've known did post-divorce.

 

You can't wait for him. Just discreetly date other people and keep in touch with him. Don't wait and invest in something that hasn't much chance of ending well considering he left you for months once before.

 

 

Preraph, do they ALL do that (feel FREEEE and start dating everybody)? I feel like honestly, that's what he will do. I have learned that he has 'friended' a bunch of women on FB and other social media and is constantly 'liking' a bunch of their pictures (I am not supposed to know about it - but do). Which THAT kind of stuff doesn't sit well with me, either. Those two things alone are making me think i need to move on. I am curious, though, if most of them do go wild after divorce is finalized and just want to go out with anybody. The 'wanting to find himself' piece to me is code for "I want to be free and see what else is out there'...............truly, I think it is.

[BaileyB]

I have learned that he has 'friended' a bunch of women on FB and other social media and is constantly 'liking' a bunch of their pictures (I am not supposed to know about it - but do). Which THAT kind of stuff doesn't sit well with me, either.

 

The 'wanting to find himself' piece to me is code for "I want to be free and see what else is out there'...............truly, I think it is.

 

I think it is too.

Edited April 24, 2019 by BaileyB

[Mr. Lucky]

The 'wanting to find himself' piece to me is code for "I want to be free and see what else is out there'...............truly, I think it is.

 

Not only is this true, but you were the first step in this process for him. Part of the "what else is out there" was you, now you're finding out about the others.

 

Many BS will tell you the dissatisfaction wasn't with them, it was with the confines of marriage...

 

Mr. Lucky

[S2B]

Sure he’s likely to want to date at least a bit...

 

And that leaves you as his “option”.

 

So.... start openly dating since he openly stated he wants space.

 

That’s the big indicator he isn’t invested in you.

[jah526]

Many BS will tell you the dissatisfaction wasn't with them, it was with the confines of marriage...

 

Mine as much as told me this. He often said he felt "trapped", but he also told me he loved his wife. Some people just aren't cut out for monogamy, I guess, but it's a mystery to me why they go ahead and sign up for it anyway.

[michzz]

Not every person who is in what others call an "exit" affair, or a "rebound" relationship while getting divorced/separated even knows that they are in such a thing until AFTER the ink is dry on the divorce.

 

It is quite possible he did not perceive that he was using you any more than you were not using an unavailable man.

 

I was separated from my cheating wife for a couple of years before I dated. I was miserable and likely a horrible date. I did not lean on the women I dated with any intention of a long-term relationship.

 

Once I filed for divorce I had no intention of dating anyone. I met a lady and the emotional support she gave me really sparked me up. But I recognized that I did not share her attachment to me and I ended it.

 

She turned ugly on my and accused me of really nasty intentions that plain were not true.

 

I ended up moving 500 miles away to be near my family. And not intending to, I met my future wife. The divorce was not final for 4 more months at that point.

 

The number of her friends telling her how cynical I was -- using her -- was pretty substantial All they knew of me was I was not divorced.

 

We've been married now almost six years.

 

There is an evolution in how a long married person deals with life after the marriage dies. I think it depends on a person's character on how they deal with the new people in their life. It is beholden on anyone getting involved with a not-quite-divorced person to weigh out their own intentions along with their new friend. Don't ignore warning signs, but also do not assume that there are bad intentions.

[Dandelioness]

How can I ever be at peace knowing that's what it was, when it's something I could never 'prove'? What if what he is telling me is 100% spot on and I give up a loving relationship that was meant to be all on a 'gut feel'??

 

Trust yourself. You will never find that peace despite anything he will ever tell you - truth or not. You feel like his 'Plan B' and your reasoning is pretty valid. He's a free guy now and what he does in his private life is none of your business. Sorry to be blunt. He probably doesn't want you to know his truth in the event his actions put an end to you as his back-up.

 

So, if you end up together after all this, will you ever be able to trust him and let all this pass? Will you ever feel like his Plan A? If you're questioning his motives now, you will question his motives always - not worth it.

 

Curious, why are you still making yourself a possibility to him? He doesn't make you feel good. You're giving him the ball. Let it drop and move on.

[FoundMyStrength]

Many BS will tell you the dissatisfaction wasn't with them, it was with the confines of marriage...

 

 

 

 

Also agree with this. I would even say it's more than just the monogamy part. There are a lot of different elements in marriage that can feel stifling and restrictive

 

For instance, my xMM was unhappy because he had followed his wife to a city where her career opportunity was (and where he didn't really have any viable options). I don't think he didn't love her, he just didn't like the underemployed life that came with her. He resented her.

Edited May 4, 2019 by FoundMyStrength