Was involved with a separated MM who is now finally D and guess what he does?

[Purepony]

Drop this loser already !!

 

At this point you are no longer a victim you are choosing to be a volunteer.

 

Get out of this and move on

[sandylee1]

I really think you need to block him and delete him everywhere.

 

I do think it's sensible to take time alone when you finish a long term relationship or marriage....but this guy doesn't really want a serious relationship with you.

[lolita888]

Since you already have doubts in your mind - might as well not continue going in that path AGAIN.

 

 

You, feeling that way means that you are on your way of moving on from him. You no longer feel the same way as you did back when you were in the middle of the A. You are no longer as addicted to him as you used to. If you went on and accepted him again, I really doubt you will be happy.

 

 

Although he sounds like a real con and a liar... I at least wanted to him give the benefit of the doubt. Maybe he was telling the truth. It was a long term M, even if they were separated before that...the fact that he got D to the woman whom he used to loved dearly and said his vows to; will still make him go through a lot of emotions -even if he no longer feel the same for her.

 

 

It seems that sometimes, after the WS got a D. They couldn't bear to look or be with the OP - because it reminded them of everything that went through with their M: The A, the pain and the realization that it's really over. But being alone after the D makes it even harder, so they will t

do everything not to feel alone and to forget. They will look for companion that will make them forget it all or focus on other things just to forget everything. Sometimes it may look like they are just trying to "experiment" but the truth was, they were trying to fill the void and trying to set aside their feelings in order to forget.

 

 

Now your MM may have went through all of that. But the fact that he went on NC with you, means he has doubt of being with you. And you, questioning "how or what to do" after he contacted you again, means that you are also starting to have doubts. The both of you have doubts about each other; which means that no matter how you try, none of you will be at peace in this relationship. There will always doubts at the back of your mind. The trust between you two isn't as strong.

 

 

Follow your gut OP. You are no longer as excited to be with him. It won't be that hard for you to move on. Tell him how you felt all this time. Tell him what he made you feel and your thoughts about this whole thing. Then end it.

Edited March 18, 2019 by lolita888

[BourneWicked]

OP...sorry to say this, but you are in the friendzone. He used you emotionally for a while when he needed it, but he is not interested in you beyond that.

 

Yeah I'm on board with this - I think for women, our friendzone rarely involves sex. For men, they'll happily friendzone you and consider sex from time to time, when they feel like it, if you make it available.

 

I know it's hard but try to forget him. If he's interested, he can try to date you properly, do the whole getting to know you -- and make sure he knows that if he comes calling again.

[ladybug1984]

YES, I am not going to have as hard of a time moving on - I am starting to see things that were there all along that I probably just didn't want to see. I STILL want and need to know if he was seeing anybody else during that time. It might make no sense to anyone, but *I* need and want to know. I haven't came right out and asked him, though he has volunteered that he hasn't been going out with others or looking for a relationship. Which still leaves gray areas - he did say he went to bars with friends a few times, he is always online and for all I know struck up chat relationships with other women (meaning technically he didn't tell an untruth when he said he hadn't been going out with others or looking for a relationship). Soooo - please just humor me and tell me how I can find out if he did have something going with others. I can't just join every possible dating site and look for him - aren't there bunches of those? And do people even use their real names on those things? How else could I find out? Are the 'liking' of those girls' pictures something that i am overreacting about?

 

 

I seriously am NOT going to cave and let him back into my life, BUT - I do want some things resolved in my mind. If I knew what he said was true about the 'no relationships' I could at least leave with a bit of compassion for him after all he went through in his marriage, which evidently really messed him up (long story what she did to him - backed up by other people, not just him saying it. They had been separated at least five times over the last ten years).

[BaileyB]

Soooo - please just humor me and tell me how I can find out if he did have something going with others.

 

If I knew what he said was true about the 'no relationships' I could at least leave with a bit of compassion for him after all he went through in his marriage.

 

Well, considering that he is the only person who truly knows and you don’t trust what he is telling you, I don’t see any other way that you will get the answers that you seek.

[Marc878]

Most cheaters cheat. So if he cheats with you he'll cheat on you.

 

The only one that can keep you in this is you.

[assertives]

Soooo - please just humor me and tell me how I can find out if he did have something going with others. I can't just join every possible dating site and look for him - aren't there bunches of those? And do people even use their real names on those things? How else could I find out? Are the 'liking' of those girls' pictures something that i am overreacting about?

 

No real way to find out for sure. If you absolutely MUST know, hire a PI? And yes, I think you are overreacting about liking those girls' pictures. That means absolutely nothing considering you guys aren't even together.

[lolita888]

He is trying to get you back and use you again, I honestly doubt he will tell you the truth if he did dated someone else.

 

Maybe if you end things with him, then you will know - based on what he will do next.

 

 

He may not have been in a relationship. But he had time to message you to keep you waiting. He had time for FB and giving like to those pictures. It may not be physical but if he told you about them, then there's a chance that he also chatted with them.

He may have said "Hi" and see how things will go.

But they probably didn't connect with him so he ended up contacting you.

Edited March 18, 2019 by lolita888

[Snipercatt]

These urges for more information and needing to “figure things out” are futile and have a high probability of causing your downfall. Your are preventing your healing.

[Turning point]

I haven't read your whole thread, juat the OP and your recent update.

 

In general you'd be better off if you can learn to evaluate any relationship on the basis of your own presence rather than trying to decipher the other person's state of mind.

 

For example, if this guy goes for weeks or months with NC - what he says or thinks is of no useful evidence. What he claims his regard for you to be does no comport with your lack of presence.

 

At best, this man has no personal identity upon which a reliable relationship can be built, and at worse he's a manipulative and selfish user who will deprive you of a better life experience.

Edited March 18, 2019 by Turning point

[HadMeOverABarrel]

Hi OP. I think the responses you've received here are pretty much unanimous and I agree...but just in case you need to here it from yet another person...

 

Dear OP, this guy is using you. You are winding yourself up and expending a ton of emotional energy on someone who couldn't be bothered to even keep in touch with you. I have been in your shoes and learned the hard way. No man is going to let time pass without communicating with a woman he plans to have a serious relationship with.

 

Do not teach him to disrespect you by hanging on when he's signaling his unreliability. He reminds me of a male friend of mine, who after ending a decades long marriage, used women to prop himself up. Since we were strictly buddies (and I was like 'one of the guys' to him), I heard all the sorrid details and felt so sorry for the women.

 

You commented that people here don't understand why you want to check whether he dated others. Actually, the people here understand it all too well...they are just trying to save you from wasting more of your energy on something going nowhere. Don't take his rejection personally. He's a broken man for now, but it's not your job to fix him nor could you if you tried. He's got a long road ahead to figure out who he is outside his marriage, and that will take a long, long time.

 

You are giving up nothing. If he wanted the same type of relationship, he would be as invested as you are and his behavior would show it. You can't do all the work for him. He has to want to do all his own work himself. He has to realize it all in his own without your influence. Don't wait or hang around. If you mean something to him, he will come back with what you are looking for without reservations. He is nowhere near this right now. Do not wait around!

 

I think you're trying to reconcile his behavior to your fantasy expectations (which he probably encouraged). They don't add up for a reason, and that reason has no correlation to your worth or who you are as a person.

 

To borrow a term from another LS member (Carhill I think), don't be his emotional tampon.

Edited March 20, 2019 by HadMeOverABarrel
Typos

[OpenBook]

I think you're trying to reconcile his behavior to your fantasy expectations (which he probably encouraged). They don't add up for a reason, and that reason has no correlation to your worth or who you are as a person.

 

Strongly agree with this. With his behavior, he has given you a front-row seat to why his marriage didn't work out. He has made it crystal-clear who he is and what he's all about. This mess isn't about you (or your value or worth). It is about him, and how he treats others.

 

I wouldn't want to sign up for that, if I were you.

[loversquarrel]

I might be able to give you some perspective on this. One thing you haven't thought of is the serious relationship aspect. He just got divorced after a 20 yr. marriage. He probably saw you as a person who he knew wanted more than a fling and he is not ready for a commitment right now. He probably not only wants to date around a little bit but he probably needs to. He checks up on you and stays in contact because he likes you, but he may be more fearful of a steady commitment than you think. If you like him, see other people and live your life and leave the possibility open. I would also strongly suggest saying to him "Look, I really like you but until you get your **** together I can't be with you."

 

I wish my second wife had told me those words years before we got married, I would have stopped wasting her and my time long ago and stayed with her all along. Being fresh off of divorce is a difficult endeavor. Starting a serious relationship adds to a mixed bag of emotions that need time to sort, don't underestimate those emotions.

[ladybug1984]

Well, I have a bit of an update. He reached out to me and asked if I would please meet him to talk. Maybe I am a sucker, but I believe everything he told me. The divorce has only recently went through and he is in a state of depression, confusion, and emotional turmoil. Even though they had been separated for over a year prior to the divorce, and he wanted the divorce, he says the finality of it has put him over the edge and he just doesn't know how to feel anymore. It WAS a 20+ year marriage, so his whole life has changed. I am following what Loversquarrel is getting at, that makes a lot of sense. He swears he has not went out ANYWHERE much less on any kind of date. Says he is housebound and just can't get out of a mental funk to do anything. I can tell he looked like he had lost weight, was tired, and looked like he was just beat and worn down.Admitted he might be depressed and said he would commit to investigating getting some counseling. Says he still has to go to his house to pick up things and the emotions tug at him still even though he knows he made the right choice.

 

 

 

I think it really is a case of him having some serious issues to deal with emotionally. I think when he did reach out to me that time it was probably just out of fear and loneliness and just needing somebody to talk to - I don't think it had anything to do with him going out and hooking up with other people - not after what I saw. I am HOPING that in another six months he will have been getting help and sorting through all of those emotions. Then he will either a. come back to me as a better - and healthy - person or b. he will still be a healthy and better person but might have met someone else in the process. I guess it is a risk I have to take, right??

 

 

Any thoughts on this new development?

[ladybug1984]

I remember what I went through several years ago when I had a severe depressive episode. My mind was NOT right. Same thing with him where he didn't want to leave the house except for work, was the same with me. I truly believe him. His behavior of not communicating with me for weeks on end and then deciding to communicate again sporadically is ALL part of that depression and unpredictability. Regardless, whether it was because of that OR him hooking up with other people, he is not in a good place emotionally and I need to let him do what he is going to do. As one of the others posted above, if he does really care about me, he will come back - and if he doesn't, then I will know that in time. It's so hard to move forward without knowing - but I don't really have a choice. I know this is the best thing, it's just SOOO hard.

[Orokotikki]

You're still plan B, you never got promoted to Plan A.

Even if there isn't someone else, he has a placeholder for Plan A labeled "For anyone better who will have me."

Which is just as well, because if they will cheat with you, they will cheat on you.

 

His M lasted 20 years?

How f***ed will you be if he has 20 years with you and then stabs you in the back for someone else?

 

In other words, you are about to dodge a bullet, don't step back into the firing line.

 

Best of luck.

[BaileyB]

You deserve more for yourself than a grieving, depressed, recently divorced man who you don’t trust.

 

This guy is a true the start of his journey to health and well-being, not the end. He has got a lot of work to do to get his house in order. You would be wise to give him time, and let this go... It’s the kind thing to do, for him. It’s the smart thing to do, for you.

[ladybug1984]

You're still plan B, you never got promoted to Plan A.

Even if there isn't someone else, he has a placeholder for Plan A labeled "For anyone better who will have me."

Which is just as well, because if they will cheat with you, they will cheat on you.

 

His M lasted 20 years?

How f***ed will you be if he has 20 years with you and then stabs you in the back for someone else?

 

In other words, you are about to dodge a bullet, don't step back into the firing line.

 

Best of luck.

 

 

I have to disagree, he tells me all of the time how I am the best thing that he could possibly have in his life. I don't think he is looking for better. I truly don't. He also had left his wife long before I met him. They had some serious issues. Had it not been for those issues, he would have never left her - there was no cheating by either of them, so I don't worry about that.

[ladybug1984]

You deserve more for yourself than a grieving, depressed, recently divorced man who you don’t trust.

 

This guy is a true the start of his journey to health and well-being, not the end. He has got a lot of work to do to get his house in order. You would be wise to give him time, and let this go... It’s the kind thing to do, for him. It’s the smart thing to do, for you.

 

 

I agree he is not in good shape. It is killing me to step away, though. I know I should, but am really struggling. ANY TIPS on how to do that? I guess it's a little different from someone struggling to stay NC with a married man, mine isn't, but it's still NC I need to do. I am hoping to get some good advice here on that.

[BaileyB]

I was in a similar position, dating a man who was separated for two years and in the process of signing divorce papers when we met. He was not this despondent though.

 

Thankfully, he had enough self awareness to know that he was not ready for a relationship so he ended it before things got too serious. He came back into my life a year and a half later, much happier and ready to commit to a new relationship. He says to this day, had we not ended things when we first met... we would not still be together today.

 

For me, it was about maintaining my dignity. I also knew that if he didn’t have his life together, I didn’t want to get involved. I knew that I deserved more than what he had to offer.

Edited March 21, 2019 by BaileyB

[ladybug1984]

I was in a similar position, dating a man who was separated for two years and in the process of signing divorce papers when we met. He was not this despondent though.

 

Thankfully, he had enough self awareness to know that he was not ready for a relationship so he ended it before things got too serious. He came back into my life a year and a half later, much happier and ready to commit to a new relationship. He says to this day, had we not ended things when we first met... we would not still be together today.

 

For me, it was about maintaining my dignity. I also knew that if he didn’t have his life together, I didn’t want to get involved. I knew that I deserved more than what he had to offer.

 

 

This all makes sense. Were you ever worried that he was gone indefinitely when he ended it to go and take care of himself for a while? That's kind of how I feel - and I don't want to lose him. I guess if I was kind of "meh" about him I could do it, but I probably care too much. I really don't want to lose him. Did you ever worry about that?

 

Please tell me more about maintaining your dignity - are you saying by sticking with him with all of that going on that you felt "less than" - or am I totally misunderstanding?

[BaileyB]

This all makes sense. Were you ever worried that he was gone indefinitely when he ended it to go and take care of himself for a while? That's kind of how I feel - and I don't want to lose him. I guess if I was kind of "meh" about him I could do it, but I probably care too much. I really don't want to lose him. Did you ever worry about that?

 

Please tell me more about maintaining your dignity - are you saying by sticking with him with all of that going on that you felt "less than" - or am I totally misunderstanding?

 

When we said goodbye, I thought he was gone indefinitely. I didn’t want to lose him, but I told him that I respected his decision and I appreciated his honesty (dignity).

 

I was hopeful, that he would contact me again with time because I felt like we had a nice connection, the timing was just not right. But, if it makes sense... I was not expecting it. I did not wait for him - I lived my life, dated, travelled, bought a new home... the more time passed, the less I thought about him and the more I was convinced that he was not going to contact me.

 

I know now that he had a lot he needed to sort in his life. He bought his wife out of the home and he had to legally force his wife out of the house. He wanted to establish a “new normal” for his young son. His ex-wife has serious issues, and she needed time to settle down. His finances were not in order because of the divorce. And, he has said he was very angry... he had a lot of emotions he needed to process.

 

I really believe him when he says, we would not be together now I feel he didn’t take the time he needed to get his life together. We have now been dating for three years, and they have been wonderful years.

 

I kept my dignity by responding with kindness but estabilshing a firm boundary. I had the strength and the self respect not to chase him or try to convince him to stay if he was not able to stay. I was able to let him go because I knew, I had no interest in being with a man who was not healthy and happy. I would have been fine, either with him or without him.

 

That’s my story, do with it what you may... good luck to you.

[ladybug1984]

Bailey, that is great you were able to do that. How did you go about doing all of those things without thinking about him the whole time?? That's the thing I am struggling with. I know I should do the same, but he is on my mind 24/7. How do I get it out of my mind??? I don't really want to be with someone who isn't healthy or happy either, but I seriously am so head-over-heels I cannot get it out of my mind. How in the world would I make it a year or more? I ask in all sincerity - how do I do this??? Very impressive you were able to do it - truly it is.

Edited March 22, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[BaileyB]

Read these boards, and you will learn that many people are struggling to do this... I would suggest that you find a mantra - say to yourself, “he is not ready, I deserve a man who is able to give me what I want” and redirect your attention to something else. The more time that passes, the easier it will get... good luck.