My wife no longer feels the same way

[Nash82]

Evening everyone,

 

I'm not entirely sure what brought me to post on the site. Even thinking about writing this makes me feel like I'm betraying my wife. In my grief, I read a lot online in various places. There were quite a few threads on here (and another forum I found), so I thought it might help me to cope. We'll see.

 

As the title says, my wife told me (not quite two weeks ago) that she just didn't feel the same way anymore. Since that moment, I've felt everything you'd expect. Totally sick, numb, like I'm in some weird nightmare. We've been married for 14 years and together for 18 (our entire adult lives basically). I love her so much. All I can think about is getting her back and the thought that I'll never get over this. We have two children (15 and 11). They're at home with me whilst my wife moved to her parent's place (10 minds away).

 

After the initial first day of me basically begging (I was in shock/grief), I've really made an effort to try and get myself sorted mentally. I'm sure my girls know I'm hurting, but I try not to let things show around them.

 

No matter what I do, I can't stop thinking about my wife. I'm trying to respect her decision and I understand how this must be hard on her too. She hasn't found somebody else. We argued but there wasn't any abuse. I just can't see/believe that after being together so long that her feelings have completely died. I truly believe that she feels less passion than she used to but I also believe there are still feelings there - even though they're burried.

 

Why did she leave? It's funny, but it took this absolute punch to the gut to wake me up. There were a number of reasons which I imagine led to her feelings decreasing. I contributed to too many of them.

 

My wife had a lot of outside stresses in recent years. She went back to uni to get a degree for work (whilst still working). Did brilliantly and then her job was got rid of and she had to move departments. That hurt her after all the effort she put in. She also doesn't have many close friends nor feels like she had much of an identity as she didn't have many hobbies. All this contributed to major stress.

 

Then there's me. As a couple, we settled in to a but of a run of the mill relationship. We'd get home and just watch TV whilst on tablets or phones. I recently started not going to bed at the same time as her (we always used to go up together). We kissed, we said the right things, but I didn't make her feel special. We still enjoyed sex, but didn't have it as often as we'd both like. I was also in charge of sorting the money (all our finances are linked). That made her feel rubbish I'm sure.

 

I completely neglected her feelings in terms of housework. I did stuff, but not enough. Now I've been here without her I truly see how much work she put in everyday just to keep the house clean.

 

All of this would have contributed to her falling out of love. I understand it. I'm so angry at myself for not realising what I was becoming. I was selfish. I didn't try new things or things out of my comfort zone. I knew she likes muddy runs, but I never tried because it wasn't my thing.

 

What does get me is that even up to a few days before, she was still talking about holiday plans, things we'll do later in the year etc. She sent me the cheeky messages she always did. Then just a few days later - she hit me with it. I can't wrap my head around it.

 

We've talked a little since but mainly about the girls. I dropped them off yesterday and she asked if I wanted to stay for dinner. I did and although we didn't talk relationship, we joked and chatted likes old times. However, the majority of messages are now distant and short. That feels like a dagger in my stomach.

 

I'm not sure what I'm looking for. Does anyone think I still have a chance? Will a bit of space help? What should I do? I feel lost constantly. I can barely concentrate when at work. If we can't reconcile, I want us to be friends. She was my closest friend and she would talk to me about everything too.

 

Thank you for those who took the time to read this rambling post.

[sure2win]

First off, sorry your going through this. I had a similar experience last year. My stbx all at once decided she wanted out after 11 good years. I begged, pleaded, and did whatever I could to save it including marriage counciling. Ultimately, I knew it was over... I was delaying the inevitable. Earlier that year she began traveling with a new male co worker... everything changed. Of course she denied he played a role in it but the evidence was there. You sound like a good dude. Nobody deserves this kind of treatment, but unfortunately it’s a very common occurrence these days with 75 percent of the time it being women initiating the divorce. We have no kids, so obviously put them first. Don’t put them in the middle. (Or try your hardest not too). Get yourself a therapist. I wish I would of went sooner it’s been a huge help. Read articles about separation and divorce. Reach out to friends and family. I’m 5 months separated and feeling a tad better, but still no where near my old self. Also, look at the no contact rules posted here in the pinned articles. Those have helped me tremendously. Good luck

[Rotaglia]

I'm in a similar boat. My wife (56) and I (49) have been married 22 years and have two kids, 20 and 12. My wife stopped having sex with me about 18 months ago and recently said she's been doubting the relationship. I have gone through several stages of grief, anger, frustration, etc. Divorce/separation seems like a real possibility. I am bracing for the eventual I-love-you-but-I'm-not-in-love-with-you conversation, which I have no interest in hearing.

 

I can't imagine continuing indefinitely in a marriage with no sex whatsoever and the constant feeling that she's not all that into me. On the other hand, a divorce would be a miserable process and neither one of us is eager to initiate the war that would ensue. We are still fond of each other and enjoy each other's company. Is it enough?

 

So what now? She's not a great communicator in the area of feelings. I suppose I should see an attorney to at least inform myself regarding strategy and preparation (she is the primary breadwinner) and meanwhile just work on the areas of my life that work well (work, parenting, friendships, culture, etc.). Maybe a postnupial agreement is the way to go in case one of us decides they can't take it anymore.

 

I love my wife and I definitely want to work things out but ... settling for less is a recipe for unhappiness in the long run. She even said (when I confronted her) that I should leave to find another woman who could provide the sex and love and I deserve. I was positive gobsmacked and told her I wasn't going anyway. But should I?

[Marc878]

First of all check your phone bill. Most women just don't up and leave unless theres someone else.

 

Secondly cut out the begging, etc. all that will do is make you look weak and unnattractive.

 

At this time if you're smart you'll cut off all unnecessary contact. What you're doing by trying to nice her back is feeding a cake eater. Having dinner together just makes this easier for her but will not get you a thing. It work exactly the opposite of what you want. Strength is attractive. Weakness is not.

 

I doubt you'll listen but your current actions are the worst thing you could possibly be doing at this time.

 

Read up on the 180. It's going to be your only good path out of this.

https://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/separation-divorce/406628-critical-readings-separation-divorce

[Marc878]

Fear is the great liar that will keep you paralyzed and bound.

 

Never try nicing them back or the infamous "pick me dance" all those thing do is lower your status.

 

Right now all you're doing is trying to justify her actions and making excuses for her. You are in the same marriage and she isn't perfect either.

 

If your smart you'll wake up now.

 

Anytime someone leaves a marriage they always rewrite the marital history to justify themselves but it's usually bull****.

Edited March 17, 2019 by Marc878

[sure2win]

Marc is correct. My stbx made a list of all the ways I wronged her in our years. She needed to so she could re write our story to paint me as the bad guy. Also... they are correct. Women do not leave until they have found new supply. It’s an awful reality but true. There are going to be many painful truths you’ll need to work through. Don’t paint yourself as the bad guy here. You both took vows. Unless there is a history of infidelity or abuse, she has no good reason to leave you.

[Nash82]

Yeah. There's no way of being 100% there's nobody else, but I'm as close to 100% as can be. We were together all the time (which is one of the problems as she felt like she didn't have her own identity).

 

She's not a bad person. Neither am I. We both just got lazy with our relationship.

[sure2win]

To answer a few of your questions. As my lawyer told me from

Day 1. Space will not help! How is her leaving the house supposed to help? Those were his exact words, didn’t believe him at that time but he was absolutely correct. Do you have a chance? Maybe. Only if you are ice cold to her. Ignore her, look your best when you pick up/ drop off kids. Remember, she left not you. I had a hard time with that. We were best buds, so my mind couldn’t comprehend it at first. As far as work goes... holy **** was, and is still tough. Make your boss and co workers aware of your situation ASAP. They will hopefully cut you slack during this very tough time. It’s been since the summer since my bs started. Every day is bad, some tolerable. Your going to be at 50

Percent efficiency in every aspect of life including work for a while.

[Mr. Lucky]

We argued but there wasn't any abuse.

 

What kinds of things did you argue about? I'm simply wondering if she's been trying to tell you for a long time how she feels but you simply weren't listening.

 

Two things are the primary culprits in the death of long-term relationships -

 

- resentment

- infidelity

 

If you're sure it's not the latter, I'd guess the former built up over time like water damage in a wall. And once weakened, very hard to repair.

 

sure2win is correct about separation, it's a trial divorce that contributes nothing to addressing the problems that exist.

 

What does your wife indicate should happen next?

 

Mr. Lucky

[Marc878]

Yeah. There's no way of being 100% there's nobody else, but I'm as close to 100% as can be. We were together all the time (which is one of the problems as she felt like she didn't have her own identity).

 

She's not a bad person. Neither am I. We both just got lazy with our relationship.

 

If there's a will there's a way. Go online and check your phone bill.

 

Only takes 10 minutes.

[Blind-Sided]

First of all check your phone bill. Most women just don't up and leave unless theres someone else.

 

.....

 

 

 

Hi Marc,

 

I know we've also talked about that... but in the last few months, I've seen a bunch of posts like this, and talked with 3 woman local to me who did leave without another man in the wings. One is still in her marriage, but almost gone. The second, it happened long ago, and she regrets letting it happen. And the third, she had enough brains in her head, that she realized that it could be meds or hormones. After changing a few things, she is as happy as can be. (the problem turned out to be the same meds as my wife) In regards to the first woman... at least she is talking with her husband, and giving him the change to right the wrongs. (I was never given that chance)

 

Anyway... it seems like it happens more than we think. (At least in modern times) I think, 30 years ago, women would have just toughed it out, and eventually rebalanced with the mid-life crap.

 

To the OP:

 

I'm in the middle of the same thing, and I feel bad for you. (20y together, 17y married) But after reading your post, at least your wife left. Mine is literally sleeping on the couch next to me, while I'm typing this. No matter what... I was in the wrong, and I couldn't fix anything. I tried my best to address the things that bothered her, but I would get comments like "Too little, too late." But then, she would be nice, and ask what I wanted for dinner. (kills me inside) Because of what I'm going through, all I can say is... cut it clean now. (Sorry) I know it's easier to say than to do... but I'm also in the middle of this.

 

As far as the kids... make sure they know you love them, and stop talking to her about anything other than the kids. (If you want her back) In my case, I've done everything I could to salvage my marriage, and I'm starting to go to bed at night with a clean conscious... knowing I did my best, and she is actually the person ripping the family apart. In my case, I didn't do the "180" because she didn't leave. But I have made it VERY clear that there is a "Point of no return" and I don't care how I feel about her, I simply will not put myself, and the kids though a second round of this.

 

Anyway... no real advice there... just trying to give a little empathy to your situation. We all know how you feel.

 

God bless, and good luck.

[royalpoplar]

 

I love my wife and I definitely want to work things out but ... settling for less is a recipe for unhappiness in the long run. She even said (when I confronted her) that I should leave to find another woman who could provide the sex and love and I deserve. I was positive gobsmacked and told her I wasn't going anyway. But should I?

 

Pretty strong sign that it's time to leave. Lack of sex is an early alarm bell and the above suggests its not returning to how it was or be better.

[standtall]

OP, a couple of questions to perhaps quantify where your wife's mindset is. Can your wife support herself on her own? Are you in the US?

 

Additionally, as other posters have pointed out....women with minor children seldom leave marriages without an emotional parachute of some type,,,be it another man or some toxic girlfriends to help support her. Most of the time it is another man....do some digging.

[chryssy83]

Hi Marc,

 

I know we've also talked about that... but in the last few months, I've seen a bunch of posts like this, and talked with 3 woman local to me who did leave without another man in the wings. One is still in her marriage, but almost gone. The second, it happened long ago, and she regrets letting it happen. And the third, she had enough brains in her head, that she realized that it could be meds or hormones. After changing a few things, she is as happy as can be. (the problem turned out to be the same meds as my wife) In regards to the first woman... at least she is talking with her husband, and giving him the change to right the wrongs. (I was never given that chance)

 

Anyway... it seems like it happens more than we think. (At least in modern times) I think, 30 years ago, women would have just toughed it out, and eventually rebalanced with the mid-life crap..

 

 

I get that you’re talking about women. But my husband was totally cheating and he still tells his family and anyone who will listen that there wasn’t anyone else and we split because of issues in our relationship. He’s used the “medication side effects”excuse for poor behavior, as well as “I was depressed but you’re perfect nothing needs to change.” Both times— cheating. And sometimes I still think maybe I’m crazy and he’s actually a good guy but the truth is that I had the enlightening experience of getting to read his texts for a few days on an iPad he sent with our child. He’s cheating on the girl he was cheating with. He has so many irons in the fire I don’t know how he sleeps at night or stays awake all day! And he would still swear to you there is no infidelity. I expect him to literally swear to it in court documents later this week.

 

Just saying I wouldn’t expect everyone to admit that they cheated when asked just because youÂ’re not their partner.

Edited March 18, 2019 by chryssy83

[Nash82]

OP, a couple of questions to perhaps quantify where your wife's mindset is. Can your wife support herself on her own? Are you in the US?

 

Additionally, as other posters have pointed out....women with minor children seldom leave marriages without an emotional parachute of some type,,,be it another man or some toxic girlfriends to help support her. Most of the time it is another man....do some digging.

She can't really support herself. There's no way we can afford two places (our finances are completely shared). She's up the road at her parent's place. We're in the UK.

[Turning point]

He’s cheating on the girl he was cheating with. He has so many irons in the fire I don’t know how he sleeps at night or stays awake all day! And he would still swear to you there is no infidelity.

 

If there was a Dictionary written by cheaters - the first three words I would want to look up are: "Friend, CoWorker, and Infidelity."

[loversquarrel]

Well you know how you've contributed to the household issues, however a mind reader you are not. It's all on her if she failed to communicate her problems with you.

 

Start to dress nice, work out if possible, and don't jump to answer every text or phone call from her. If she wants to come back she'll do it, if not then it's on her.

 

P.S. If she left the house I might think that's another red flag.

[Chaparral]

Yeah. There's no way of being 100% there's nobody else, but I'm as close to 100% as can be. We were together all the time (which is one of the problems as she felt like she didn't have her own identity).

 

She's not a bad person. Neither am I. We both just got lazy with our relationship.

 

This post has been made a million years times on various forums. What stands out is her job change. She has met a new coworker and has fallen for him. You’re not going to believe it. Coworker affairs are very, very hard to catch. Especially when they move out. If you can afford a PI that’s your best option. If you can’t handle a reconciliation with a cheating wife go ahead and file. The odds she has found a new man is about 98%.

Ask yourself, when do women leave a good relationship with two kids and simply walk out on her family. At least she feels guilty enough not to kick you out.

[Nash82]

This post has been made a million years times on various forums. What stands out is her job change. She has met a new coworker and has fallen for him. You’re not going to believe it. Coworker affairs are very, very hard to catch. Especially when they move out. If you can afford a PI that’s your best option. If you can’t handle a reconciliation with a cheating wife go ahead and file. The odds she has found a new man is about 98%.

Ask yourself, when do women leave a good relationship with two kids and simply walk out on her family. At least she feels guilty enough not to kick you out.

 

Well, there's a lot of assumptions here.

Her job had to shift in terms of her department was closed down. She is still working with all the same people but they're doing different things. That's the stress. There are no new people to work with (apart from a lady in her 40s from Poland).

 

The relationship wasn't good. That's the point. I had completely just drifted into a settled life of not really trying. I can see why her feelings would dip.

 

She's moved just up the road into her parent's flat. The reason I couldn't move was because we can't afford two places and my side of the family don't live around here. There was literally nowhere for me to go.

[Mr. Lucky]

The relationship wasn't good. That's the point. I had completely just drifted into a settled life of not really trying. I can see why her feelings would dip.

 

Nash82, here's the kicker - you were in the same relationship.

 

Did you unilaterally declare the marriage over? Did you move out? Refuse to discuss the issues?

 

What others are gently trying to point out is that your wife is acting this way for a reason. When that makes itself known, much of what you're going through will make mare sense,,,

 

Mr. Lucky

[Nash82]

Nash82, here's the kicker - you were in the same relationship.

 

Did you unilaterally declare the marriage over? Did you move out? Refuse to discuss the issues?

 

What others are gently trying to point out is that your wife is acting this way for a reason. When that makes itself known, much of what you're going through will make mare sense,,,

 

Mr. Lucky

Hmm, not sure about gently trying to point out when the auto response from most is 'affair'. I truly feel for those that have been hurt in that way.

 

I have a good idea why she left. She no longer feels the same way. I can see why she feels that way after me neglecting the relationship combined with her other stresses. She's had a lot to deal with and it would have built up over time. Now, I'd like to discuss things more for clarification but don't want to ask that yet as I don't want to push her when she needs space.

[Mr. Lucky]

Hmm, not sure about gently trying to point out when the auto response from most is 'affair'. I truly feel for those that have been hurt in that way.

 

"Affair" covers a number of meanings. It could be someone she's confiding in, someone she's interested in or someone who's expressed support or interest in her. It doesn't necessarily mean a full-blown, "let's run away together" relationship. For someone in your's wife's situation, it usually takes a catalyst to promote change.

 

She no longer feels the same way. I can see why she feels that way after me neglecting the relationship combined with her other stresses. She's had a lot to deal with and it would have built up over time.

 

Again, I'll ask were all your needs met? She worked hard to emotionally support you and the marriage? Neglect is usually bipartisan, hard to drive off the road unless both sets of hands off the wheel.

 

You should own your role but have healthy expectations of her too. Starting, it would seem, with proactive communication...

 

Mr. Lucky

[loversquarrel]

op, there is a reason so many of us jump to the affair conclusion and that is because so many of us have experienced the receiving end of behaviors similar to what your wife is exhibiting towards you. People don't generally up and move out of a somewhat difficult marriage without first arguing and fighting about it, especially with children involved. People DO generally leave all of that without warning if there is something to leave for.

 

A strong indicator that something isn't quite right is how she behaved toward you and then left so quickly. You didn't see it coming.

[Romantic_Antics]

What does get me is that even up to a few days before, she was still talking about holiday plans, things we'll do later in the year etc. She sent me the cheeky messages she always did. Then just a few days later - she hit me with it. I can't wrap my head around it.

 

As you can see from many of the replies, women pull this kind of crap all the time. They are masters of deception and emotional dishonesty. They will string you along with lip service that sets a series of expectations which they have no intention of fulfilling and when the time is right they will blindside you in the most cowardly and confusing way imaginable, feeding you reasons that are inconsistent, irrational, and as apt to change as their wardrobe. It is very difficult to wrap your head around, particularly since you may never know the real reason she ended the relationship or just how long she was faking it, like a coward, without possessing the strength of character to discuss what had been troubling her prior to the "I'm not in love with you anymore" guillotine she springs on you nor the commitment necessary to work through the issues together.

 

I am commiserating with you because I can relate. You have my sympathy and empathy.

 

Having said that, you've made some grave mistakes in begging to get her back and in wanting to remain friends in hopes that that might rekindle things later. She fell out of love because she lost respect and attraction for you somewhere along the way and resorting to begging is only further lowering your value to her. Wanting to remain friends is ok if that's all you ever want to be to her, but it fails as a strategy to get her back as a romantic partner. Once you're in the friend zone, you're just another one of the girls to her (likely the least important one) and you may very well never get out of it.

 

For now, just commit to working on yourself and the areas of the relationship that you have identified as your own flaws and shortcomings. Becoming the best version of you that you can be is the only way to potentially win her back and even if you don't, you have at least made positive improvements to yourself that will help you on down the road someday.

 

Hang in there. I'm sorry you're having to go through this. The silver lining is that it does get easier as time goes on.

[Turning point]

Hmm, not sure about gently trying to point out when the auto response from most is 'affair'.

 

An affair that exists only in her head would be enough. When people need "space" it's because they have something they need to make room for.

 

I made space in my living room many weeks before my sofa was delivered.