LinaLiLi Posted March 18, 2019 Share Posted March 18, 2019 Hello, my long-term partner recently had a sudden change of behaviour towards me and stopped talking to me as usual. I initially tried to explain this by him being stressed out over problems with his business, as there was a tax investigation into his company going on. I tried not to disturb him, as I was thinking he's having hard times, but I still reached out to him a few times. He just ignored my messages without a single reply. 2 days ago I spoke to his friend's wife and she told me she heard her husband talking to my partner about his new girlfriend. The talk took place 2 months ago, which is when he had his behaviour towards me changed suddenly and stopped talking to me. She said she didn't tell me before as she wasn't sure. But she thinks he's got a new woman. I'm totally broken down. I can't come to terms with the fact I will not see my man anymore and I miss him like hell... And same time I'm terribly hurt because for him, I was not worthy of a single word of explanation as to why he's leaving me. He could have told me he met someone and wants to stop our relationship, but instead he just ignored me and didn't say a single word about the situation. It all feels even more terrible since we were planning to get engaged last month and move in together later on this year. We are both in our 30s, so we are no kids, that's why I can't understand why this could have happened and why there's not a single word told?? And also I don't know what I have done wrong, as everything seemed to go absolutely fine between us, without any fights or arguments... How do I survive now without my man and with all these terrible thoughts in my head??? Link to post Share on other sites
Garcon1986 Posted March 18, 2019 Share Posted March 18, 2019 sorry to hear this is going on. If he's got his heart set on this, you won't be able to convince him, just like I will never be able to convince any of my exes to come back to me. Even though it is very difficult, the key right now is to seek peace in your friends and family. Go do fun things. Get your mind off this situation as much as possible. The bright side is that you don't have much tying you down to this man other than the emotional ties based on what you described. He probably will never give you an explanation. You could ponder the arguments you've had - that will give you some clues into what he probably didn't like. What he did though was rather cruel - I am totally on board with that. Right now, your emotional peace and health are of the utmost importance. Grieve openly. Let it off your chest. And eventually - become happy again. Link to post Share on other sites
Romantic_Antics Posted March 19, 2019 Share Posted March 19, 2019 You could ponder the arguments you've had - that will give you some clues into what he probably didn't like. I'm actually going to advise against ^this. It will take you to a very dark place where you second guess yourself and entertain "what if" and "if only" scenarios in your mind. It's only going to delay your healing and not bring you any closer to the closure you want. For what it's worth, people who take the easy way out are selfish cowards. As far as surviving without him and with all the terrible thoughts in your head: do whatever you can to keep yourself busy and your thoughts preoccupied by other things. That will feel like the hardest thing in the world to do, at first, but it will get easier in time. Remind yourself every day that what you're feeling is only natural and that it will pass. You will get through it. Hang in there. Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted March 19, 2019 Share Posted March 19, 2019 It all feels even more terrible since we were planning to get engaged last month and move in together later on this year. We are both in our 30s, so we are no kids, that's why I can't understand why this could have happened and why there's not a single word told??. How do I survive now without my man and with all these terrible thoughts in my head??? In truth you may have dodged a bullet. His actions are very emotionally cruel, IMO. But think if it was six years into your marriage and you had a child with this man. Then suddenly he's doing things like this. No doubt it hurts very badly right now. But the very real silver lining is you didn't marry a person who's capable of this. Talk to friends for support and even consider getting an individual counselor for the short term just to get through this. Then be VERY GLAD he showed his true colors before marriage. Seeing it from that perspective may help you move on more easily. Also, if he tries to come back, tell him to shove it. Seriously. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted March 19, 2019 Share Posted March 19, 2019 Let's not assume he was ever planning on leaving you to be with her. Let's assume he wanted to line up a mistress for after you two marry because he likes variety, because let's face it, he's been seeing both of you for two months. Get it out of your head that all men are looking for "the one." Some of them and then some of them are looking for "the two that will be too mild to speak up after they find out." Link to post Share on other sites
Author LinaLiLi Posted March 19, 2019 Author Share Posted March 19, 2019 I'm actually going to advise against ^this. It will take you to a very dark place where you second guess yourself and entertain "what if" and "if only" scenarios in your mind. It's only going to delay your healing and not bring you any closer to the closure you want. For what it's worth, people who take the easy way out are selfish cowards. Actually this's what I catch myself doing these days very often. Since we didn't have ANY fights that couples have from time to time, I can't really get an idea of what he didn't like in me and what, consequently, made him find another woman. I can only go back to the time within these 2 months when he already changed his behaviour towards me. He suddenly became very critical of me, but over really really small things, such as the way I spray my deo. He told me "Why do you spray it like this?? It's wrong, all women doing it wrong!" I asked what "all women" means and he corrected himself saying he meant his sisters... Yes, I do attempt to search my memory for any possible clues for him leaving me all of a sudden. Trying to think what I did wrong, or what I didn't do... And it's really really really very hard because all I can remember is him being enthusiastic about going to his parents and announcing our engagement and moving in together after that. And with all this in mind, it turned out very easy for him to leave me for a new woman! But he didn't say a single word as to leaving and the reason for it. He just went on the ignoring mode... Link to post Share on other sites
Author LinaLiLi Posted March 19, 2019 Author Share Posted March 19, 2019 In truth you may have dodged a bullet. His actions are very emotionally cruel, IMO. But think if it was six years into your marriage and you had a child with this man. Then suddenly he's doing things like this. No doubt it hurts very badly right now. But the very real silver lining is you didn't marry a person who's capable of this. Talk to friends for support and even consider getting an individual counselor for the short term just to get through this. Then be VERY GLAD he showed his true colors before marriage. Seeing it from that perspective may help you move on more easily. Also, if he tries to come back, tell him to shove it. Seriously. Thank you for understanding and opinion, it IS very emotionally cruel ((( It literally takes ground from under the feet and everything crambles down whatever you had been planning in your life... I might be bringing up a completely different/new topic here, but in short, in your opinion, what can make a guy do things like this? I do understand that a man would want to escape from a relationship with lots of problems with the partner, but as far as I could see myself I didn't give him any headache whatsoever through our long-term relationship. I thought I was gentle and caring about him, but without pressing him on any issues or complaining about anything. I do have problems with my job and family, but I never brought up these issues so as not to overburden him. He, on his side, didn't ever mention any fault of mine, except for becoming over-critical about me (about petty things) in the last 2 months, which is when I think he already had a new woman. So, in the absence of major/visible faults of the partner/problems with the partner, what does it take for a man in a relationship to leave his partner suddenly and go to another woman? How easily can a man start cheating? Link to post Share on other sites
bathtub-row Posted March 19, 2019 Share Posted March 19, 2019 I agree that what he did to you was incredibly emotionally cruel. On top of that, it was majorly coward. I don’t think he handled it that way because he thought so little of you. I think he did it because he was too much of a coward to face you. He’s probably very conflict-avoidant, which is why you never had arguments or knew what he was really thinking. I know you’re probably glorifying him and the relationship right now, and that’s understandable because you’re no doubt hurting a great deal. But there’s going to come a day when you see him for exactly what he is - a monster and a coward. What he has done to you is unforgivable. Please don’t try to contact him or engage him in any way. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted March 19, 2019 Share Posted March 19, 2019 He probably wasn't looking for another woman but just met this one and fell for her. He should have been honest with you and told you he had found someone new. I would suggest you go NC with him and heal. It might be a blessing in disguise. Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted March 19, 2019 Share Posted March 19, 2019 I might be bringing up a completely different/new topic here, but in short, in your opinion, what can make a guy do things like this? So, in the absence of major/visible faults of the partner/problems with the partner, what does it take for a man in a relationship to leave his partner suddenly and go to another woman? How easily can a man start cheating? The truth is that usually it's something but one doesn't always know just what. There are many things that can cause the other person to suddenly back out. It could be an issue with them, with you, suddenly deciding they want to do something different with their lives, bonding with another person (as others have suggested here) is definitely one possibility. The truth is that the other person in a R is always something of an unknown variable, especially early on. What you can know for sure is that ghosting like this is NOT what a truly caring person does. Sorry I can't be of more help, but really there are many possible causes. Link to post Share on other sites
bathtub-row Posted March 19, 2019 Share Posted March 19, 2019 The truth is that the other person in a R is always something of an unknown variable, especially early on. Except they were together for 6 years. Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted March 19, 2019 Share Posted March 19, 2019 Yes - was speaking generally. Agree that makes it that much worse. More evidence that it's better she find this out now and be done with this guy. Link to post Share on other sites
Love2015 Posted March 27, 2019 Share Posted March 27, 2019 I am sorry you went through this ...however....be glad you DODGED a worse BULLET! I was an abandoned wife the same year I tied the knot and all I wished is he do it earlier. All I can say is this is not normal. Having a conversation IS normal. Don't try to understand nor ask around cause you may end up getting information such as he changed the history of your relationship. Just make it be his loss and move on.you have only one thing to do: be happy. Google runaway husband's and realize what you were fortunate to miss out. Work on yourself and on what you want.you deserve love and happiness Link to post Share on other sites
Origin Posted March 29, 2019 Share Posted March 29, 2019 I'm sorry this happened to you. It's truly hard to go thru such an experience, at least it was for me. From my experience you'll have lots of ups and downs. Knowing that they can be that cruel. To drop you and move on instantaneously to a different person like you never mattered, or existed, without remorse, is hurtful. It's very hurtful because you trusted them so much on some level for whatever reason. And you'll hate them for it. But you'll also have days where you remember good days and you'll be wishing things, disregarding how painfully they hurt you. This was for me at least. For me its been almost 2 years or so and it's hard but things do feel better. I went thru so many stages thou. But as people wrote here. Try to be busy and avoid thinking "what could have I done different or why didn't it work out, why they did this". Any of those questions, always lead down a path that end up just being depressing sometimes. Being busy helps alot. Reading stories on this forum also helps. You'll find what works for you and try not to over analyze anything. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
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