Adult Daughter with Mental Illness

[vla1120]

I know most of my story is out here somewhere, so I am not going to go into great detail. I'll only say that I have been dealing with my (29-yr-old) middle daughter's mental health issues since she was about 15. That is when her anorexia kicked in. She also has depression and anxiety (and was once diagnosed as manic depressive). She has been inpatient for her eating disorder a total of three times. She has been inpatient at a mental hospital twice for a total of about 7-10 days (both for suicide attempts.) There have been multiple therapists (she just cannot seem to find one with whom she connects) and there have been multiple different prescriptions. Some worked for awhile, but then became ineffective. Some made her worse. Now, she has an aversion to taking any medication at all. She knows she has a chemical imbalance in her brain. In her words "I don't want to add more chemicals to what is already a chemical imbalance." Trust me - if you tell me she should try "this", or "that", I can almost guarantee we have already been there, done that. For almost 15 years, we have been going from one traditional treatment plan to another, but we keep finding ourselves here - post suicide attempt. People have accused her of doing it for attention. I hate those people (so don't say it here, please.) My therapist (who I see weekly to help me cope with her and with my husband's situations) told me she is "practicing" and I need to take it seriously, which I do. Most definitely.

 

I want to add that she uses alcohol to cope. My whole family (especially her father), criticize me because I am against drinking. I'd much rather have her smoke pot than to drink. Drinking leads to really poor decision-making. Pot usually relaxes her and puts her to sleep. Alcohol has gotten her in trouble more than once. Not everyone can handle their alcohol, and those who cannot, shouldn't drink. Period - she's one of them. I am actually going to start going to al-anon. I'm going to try to get her to go to a support group, too, but I digress.

 

 

Now, I am doing research on alternative solutions, maybe more natural ways to cope with mental illness. I am going to try to get her into meditation. She already does pilates and yoga from being a dancer, which is probably what led to the anorexia in the first place, so I am not sure how effective that option would be.

 

I specifically would like to know if there is anyone out here who has had any experience with electroconvulsive therapy. She has mentioned wanting ECT in the past. When she first mentioned it, I'm sure my mouth dropped because all I could think about was "One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest" and I thought "No way!" But apparently, it has advanced into a successful, beneficial treatment rather than a punishment.

 

What other alternatives have some seen to traditional medication and therapy? I'm doing tons of research on my own, and using all the resources I have at my disposal, but I thought if someone wanted to weigh in with HELPFUL suggestions, I'm all ears. I can deal with criticism, too. I'm thick skinned. I just might bite back, that's all.

[todreaminblue]

i have had ect .....i would suggest exploring every other avenue you can.....even though they say they have made leaps and bounds in this therapy...i would take that with a grain of salt....its not natural to be electrocuted....thats what it is...controlled electrocution...deb

Edited March 18, 2019 by todreaminblue

[vla1120]

Thank you for your feedback. I will definitely do research. I am trying to keep an open mind, but my concern was also that it is not natural to be electrocuted.

[todreaminblue]

Thank you for your feedback. I will definitely do research. I am trying to keep an open mind, but my concern was also that it is not natural to be electrocuted.

 

im glad you are questioning..i didnt have a choice to question...and i used to come to after ect with tears running down my face..and i do remember feeling really really confused and fuzzy......... i hope you do find the best path for your daughter to take...im sorry that its a path you have to explore....i wish you both all the best....for you with strength and wisdom to know the road to travel.... and your daughter...i wish her wellness.....deb

[vla1120]

im glad you are questioning..i didnt have a choice to question...and i used to come to after ect with tears running down my face..and i do remember feeling really really confused and fuzzy......... i hope you do find the best path for your daughter to take...im sorry that its a path you have to explore....i wish you both all the best....for you with strength and wisdom to know the road to travel.... and your daughter...i wish her wellness.....deb

 

Thank you, Deb. I’ve had people tell me I should force her to be committed. I’ll deal with that criticism. The thought of losing her is unbearable. But I would not want someone to threaten my freedom and I will not threaten hers. Anytime she was committed against her will (and against mine), she only got worse. I have to allow her to come up with alternatives that will work for her. Thanks again.

[amaysngrace]

Ketamine has just been approved for depression. It’s a wonder drug. I’ve had IV infusions more times than I can count and there are virtually no side effects with it. What it does do though is resets your thought process.

 

I’d look into that if I were you. I can’t say enough good things about it.

[Mr. Lucky]

The thought of losing her is unbearable. But I would not want someone to threaten my freedom and I will not threaten hers. Anytime she was committed against her will (and against mine), she only got worse. I have to allow her to come up with alternatives that will work for her. Thanks again.

 

No suggestions, just kudos to you for hanging in there with your child. In dealing with my adult daughter's 10-year battle with addiction, I've met many parents who've walked away. I don't judge and I'm sure in their mind they saw no other alternatives, but there's a special place for people like you who refuse to give up...

 

Mr. Lucky

[vla1120]

Thank you, Mr. Lucky and amaysngrace. I have an appointment with my therapist tomorrow. I am going to ask her about Ketamine. I brought it up to my daughter and her response was "You don't want me to drink, but you want to give me 'Special K!!?'" After I looked that up, I laughed out loud and explained it wouldn't be the street drug, it would be under the supervision of professionals.

 

I also told her that while I cannot control her, I can control how I react to this situation. This is the third car that she has totaled during one of her episodes. Her main priority right now is to get another car, and she asked me if I will help by cosigning a loan for her. No way. I told her she needs to work her tail off to save the money and buy herself a clunker - meanwhile, she'll have to share my car with me and even then, it's only to go to work and back.

 

When we had this discussion last night (and she didn't get her way), she threatened to cut me out of her life. In the past, I have treated her with kid gloves because I did not want to make a bad situation worse. Not anymore. Last night I told her she's completely lost it if she thinks I am going to have any part of putting a steering wheel into her hands again. I told her I have a bike she can borrow to get back and forth the seven miles to work. She was not amused. Ironically, where this fight would have escalated into a huge blowout. I told her I was going to bed and she needed to figure out her $hit. She came into my room about 20 minutes later and apologized. Maybe I'm finally getting the hang of how to handle this situation (after more than a decade - but it's early and could go south very quickly....)

 

Thanks again, everyone.

[Mr. Lucky]

Her main priority right now is to get another car, and she asked me if I will help by cosigning a loan for her. No way. I told her she needs to work her tail off to save the money and buy herself a clunker - meanwhile, she'll have to share my car with me and even then, it's only to go to work and back.

 

Boy vla1120, I'd question whether you should let her drive your car. Is she on your insurance? Does she pay that expense?

 

Under similar circumstances, I bought my daughter a used bicycle...

 

Mr. Lucky

[vla1120]

Boy vla1120, I'd question whether you should let her drive your car. Is she on your insurance? Does she pay that expense?

 

Under similar circumstances, I bought my daughter a used bicycle...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

I agree with you. I have a tracker installed on my vehicle and told her I know where my vehicle is at all times. If it's not at home, not at her work, or not on the route from home to work, I am calling the police to report my vehicle stolen. If she doesn't like that, the bike is at her disposal. For now, I did put her on my insurance and she has to pay her portion. When she gets her own car, she'll need to get her own insurance and I'll take her off mine.

[preraph]

Electroconvulsive therapy on, say, a schizophrenic tends to quiet them down for awhile. It's just disabling parts of the brain. I haven't read much in the last 10 years on it, so I don't know if there has been any refinement or not, but I would suggest before you go that route, you seek out a brain center and have her thoroughly tested there. You know what I mean by that? Like if you watch Dr. Phil, he recommends the PNP Center in Lewisville, Tx because they are brain specialists.

 

However, after reading what you said about she takes meds and then they stop working and she doesn't want to take meds, I just have to say, at least 80 percent of patients on psychotropic drugs stop taking the drugs correctly. That's because they're mentally ill and not capable of making that decision for themselves. The correct thing to do is take the drugs as prescribed and ask the doctor how long it will take for the drugs to work if they're going to. Some are soon and some need to accumulate in the system for up to two months and won't work until then.

 

Then once you've tried them for as long as needed, and they don't work or you have side effects you can't deal with, then you keep taking them until you talk to the doctor and go back and have him tell you how to stop taking them (because some have ill effects if you just stop abruptly, perhaps most) and then the doctor tries a different type. And there are hundreds of types and then thousands of combinations that may work when one won't.

 

The point is, SHE is not competent to make those decisions on her own and since she is now fighting everyone on being on meds, which is irrational, she needs to have that choice taken away from her, and whether that means you give her the pill and check to be sure she swallows it and wait long enough that if she holds it in her cheek like a squirrel, it will melt and start tasting nasty and go down anyway, or whether that means she needs to be in the hospital where they can control all that, that is what needs to be done. Meds are your best hope and she needs to be in longer than 10 days because as I said before, a lot of meds take a while to work.

 

She is suicidal and anorexic, so on its face, that means she is self-sabotaging and choosing death instead of life, so you CANNOT let her be the decision maker in her care. She is incompetent.

[preraph]

You may need to seek guardianship of her if someone in authority won't commit her.

[Lotsgoingon]

ECT these days is generally seen (in my understanding) as a treatment of last resort for people with depression that doesn't respond to medications.

 

Here's an article a while back in New York Times about the wife of former Massachusetts Governor and Presidential candidate Michael Dukakis. Dukakis' wife Kitty was treated with ECT ... and totally supports it.

 

My sense is that the treatment is responsibly used these days ... and wasn't so responsibly used in the past. (Heck all mental health treatment in the old days was bad!)

 

https://www.nytimes.com/2016/12/31/us/kitty-dukakis-electroshock-therapy-evangelist.html

[healing light]

Have you tried acupuncture? Chinese medicine can be really powerful, particularly if your daughter is open to taking herbs. Consistency of treatment is key (it's not going to solve all the issues in one session). If she has and didn't respond, I would try another acupuncturist because there are many different styles and she may respond better to one versus another (speaking as a licensed acupuncturist here).

[vla1120]

Thank you, again, everyone for your suggestions and thoughts. She is going to try acupuncture. We also just joined a support group and are going to be adding weekly meditation to our schedule.

 

We've had a few toe-to-toe arguments this week, but only because she's used to me folding under pressure when I am trying to do everything I can to keep her stable (and not suicidal). This time, I did not thrown the safety net under her. Instead, I am letting her feel the full consequences of her actions and it seems to be having a positive (or at least, more favorable) effect than in the past. We're just taking it one day at a time....

[divegrl]

Nutrition to reduce inflammation in the body and micronutrient imbalance.

Eliminating toxins in household. Cleaning supplies, make up.

Emotional Freedom Technique. Tapping

Sound healing.

 

Her symptoms are a message to her body of an underlying imbalance. Sending healing energy my friend.

[vla1120]

Nutrition to reduce inflammation in the body and micronutrient imbalance.

Eliminating toxins in household. Cleaning supplies, make up.

Emotional Freedom Technique. Tapping

Sound healing.

 

Her symptoms are a message to her body of an underlying imbalance. Sending healing energy my friend.

 

Thank you for these suggestions! I am on a mission to remove the toxins in my household (switched to natural cleaning products, etc.) but I didn't think about her makeup.

[elaine567]

This may be of interest - https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/health-47359416 - "...findings suggested one in five women presenting to UK clinics with anorexia may also have autism and tailored therapy was vital."

[5x5]

I have no advice for you, having only just entered the rabbit hole. With my 15 year old daughter who has anorexia, which started late last year. On top of that as a consequence of her staying in hospital, since we took her to Emergency some weeks ago. We have been told she has high functioning autism as well.

 

Although I haven't experienced the depth of the horror your family has and is experiencing. I feel for you, as my wife, son and I now face the horror. Of the effects of anorexia, self-esteem problems, anxiety, self loathing, violence, rage and autism that we are now privy to through our 15 year old.

 

That said I hope you find what will help your daughter, and wish you and your family well.

[Mr. Lucky]

5x5, as someone who's been down some parts of all these roads with my now adult daughter, I suggest you take advantage of some of the support groups out there. There is some initial embarrassment and denial ("this doesn't happen to people like us") but much benefit to be found, particularly from people much further ahead in the curve. Otherwise, these things can be isolating, hard to talk to family and friends about this kind of stuff.

 

It's something I wish I'd done much earlier...

 

Mr. Lucky

[spiderowl]

It may be worth looking into autism as a possibility but I am not detecting any sensory issues in what you have said. I have thought for a long time that autism and anorexia may be connected as people with autism need to control sensory things and food is a sensory thing. Apart from which, in my experience, they are not very responsive to reason when it comes to sensory issues. "You need nutrients or you will become ill" does not hold any sway when some things smell weird to them.

 

You could talk with her to see if you can find out what triggers any mood or behavioural changes. Does she find herself in situations that are too overwhelming from a sensory point of view? A member of my family would become impossible in a mall, too much stimulation from people, noise, lights, shiny surfaces - you name it. Because it was high-functioning autism, it took a long time before they were diagnosed, but then things started to make sense.

 

The same family member would become impossible if they became thirsty. We all need fluids and usually we seek out a drink when thirsty. This particular person would not realise what the issue was and instead would go into a behavioural meltdown, doing risky things and ignoring attempts to keep them safe.

 

There is so much more to mental health than moods.

[vla1120]

Wow. I may need to seek some professional opinions concerning the connection between anorexia and autism. When she was younger noises would send her into a tizzy. The radio could not be too loud in the car, the TV was always too loud, even now, she cannot eat in the same room as me because I have braces, and the sounds I (apparently) make are maddening to her. She struggled in school, but always worked very hard to do well. Her teachers thought she might have ADD and we had her tested. They did believe she had some type of learning disability, but that is when everyone on earth was being diagnosed ADD and, since she worked hard and did well in school, we were against medicating her at such a young age for something that could not be definitively determined. (It is a running joke in our family that I am always doing things to sabotage any chance of ever being Mother of the Year. It sounds like I may have just forfeited Mother of the Year, again, for not actively pursuing what might have been going on back then.)

[vla1120]

I want to add that another issue she has always had is gathering her thoughts to speak. It is very difficult for her to speak in front of people. Even speaking one on one, she stumbles over her sentences and takes forever to tell a story. From the time she was a child, I was always very patient while listening to her. Not everyone was that patient and I have always believed that is why she is still apprehensive when she speaks. When she would have job interviews, we would practice and practice, trying to anticipate every question so that she could have an answer ready to go without stumbling. I’ve always thought it was a self-confidence issue. Thank you everyone, again, for your input. I am very grateful.

[Dandelioness]

Have you considered heavy metals detox? Look into Advanced TRS.