Sad because my son doesn't want to have kids

[yohan_77]

Hello,

 

This is my first post here, although I've been poking around for a while (many of the topics have helped me cope with several things, and I thank you).

 

I'm 72 years old, I'm a retired accountant, and I live in a small town with my wife (who is 63, also retired but teaches private Math classes every now and then). We've got only one son, who is nearly 35 years old, he's married and live with his wife (also about 35 y.o) in a city about 3 hours away from us.

 

As I get (even) older, I'm starting to get those feelings of emptyness, and a bit of sorrow, maybe regrets...a mixture of no-good feelings which pop into my head every now and then.

One of those feelings, maybe the one that keeps me up at night the most, is the disappointment that I'll never be a grandfather, because my son (and also his wife) had made it clear that they don't plan, nor they want to have kids.

 

Now, I have the most respect for his and his wife's wishes, and I actually liked the fact that they have been honest about this, and all the opinions that I have about this topic I have kept it for myself, maybe shared them with my wife - but I have never told them anything about it.

It's their lives they're building together, and I don't want, by any means, be a burden or drive them away with my opinions.

 

However, I do feel like I will not live a complete life if I miss being a grandfather. And I feel my son will be "less of a man" if he lives his life without raising any children. (I'm by no means, nor trying to be, a mysoginist about this, please don't get me wrong).

 

I'm in my 70's, all of my friends from childhood are now grandparents, many of them have 3 or 4 grandkids. While me and my wife have our dog, and our garden.

 

I feel like a selfish ******* for thinking those things.

My son is great, he was able to get into one of the best Universities in our country, he got a full scholarship for his Masters degree abroad and he works in a very good company nowadays.

I have absolutely nothing bad to say about his wife - she's a gem, she helped us a lot after my mother in law died, and supports us in every way.

 

I know I shouldn't persuade my son or his wife into having children - it's their choice. But I also can't avoid feeling like this, I think I'm getting deppressed, as I'm aging and walking through my 80's without any hope of ever becoming a grandfather.

 

My wife is even worse - hadn't I stopped her, she would get into several arguments with my son about this topic. I always talk her out of jumping into this when they're around.

 

 

This is more of a rant than anything else, because, honestly, there's not much I can do.

I'll not nag my kid into becoming a parent, nor I'll guilt trip them to feel sorry about me. I don't want him to have kids because of me, I want him to want kids.

 

 

Sorry for this, has anyone around here faced this kind of situation? Does anyone have any advice on how can I deal with this?

[amaysngrace]

I really don’t know what to say because I’d likely feel sadness too if I were you. Maybe he isn’t pleased with being your only child. Every expectation is entirely up to him. Maybe he doesn’t want to put a child through that because he knows how it feels?

 

I know you say your wife and you would never express your unhappiness regarding his life choices but how do you know that he doesn’t know you both well enough to pick up on it anyway?

 

I wish I had a great suggestion to offer on how to get past this void you feel, but I don’t think there is anything that could possibly take the place of what your heart is yearning for.

 

I’m sorry.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Would you be open to something like this?

 

https://thelife.com/adopted-grandparents-are-a-lifesaver

 

I just Googled "adopt a grandparent" and oodles of results came up. Maybe there's a program in your city?

[Wallysbears]

There are so many ways to be a part of a life of a child - you can volunteer! Please don’t put this on your son and his wife.

[mrs rubble]

Have you thought about becoming a scout leader or coaching a kid's sports team? My friend who can't have children coaches kids at her sport and used to be a Brownie leader.

[FMW]

I have the flip side of the coin experience.

 

I'm 54, I never had children (not because I absolutely didn't want them but because the man I was married to did not and it wasn't a strong urge for me). I don't have siblings.

 

My 73 year old mother has "adopted" and been adopted by several children in her church. I think it's great, she enjoys buying little gifts for them and going to their plays, etc.

 

For the past year or so I've realized that she brings up the topic on a regular basis now. Thrown in there with those mentions she will also say "but you can't miss what you never had". But it's clear she does miss not having them.

 

All her friends have several grandchildren and some even do a large part of rearing those grandchildren. So I'm sure she feels left out.

 

I can tell you from this side that it's a little hurtful though to hear those comments on a regular basis. My mother has never purposely hurt me in the past so I'm sure she's not doing so now, she just doesn't seem to be able to help herself. Maybe some not-so hidden resentment finally coming through, who knows. The end result is the same - it's hurtful.

 

I said all that to say that your feelings are understandable, but try and not make an issue of it unless you want to damage your relationship with your son. I would strongly recommend the same to your wife.

[anika99]

I'm sorry you feel so sad about not having grandkids, but it sounds like you already understand that you can't put your desires on your son. He knows what he wants and doesn't want. Perhaps someday he and his wife will change their mind but it sounds unlikely. I think you just have to grieve the loss of the expectation of being a grandparent. If you are getting depressed maybe get some counselling to help you through this. Your wife too.

[Shindig]

I'm glad you found a place to vent about it. I'm glad you're not pushing your desire on your son and I hope you can find something to celebrate in his decision. I don't know if it'll help, but I'm going to offer my experience. I'm 36 and never had the itch to have children. My father (who's 81) and I go hiking everywhere my work takes me. We climbed everywhere from the Great Wall of China to the Swiss Alps looking for views of the Matterhorn. He and I are very different - our politics and worldviews are pretty disparate, but we spend all of these hikes talking. Even thought we're incredibly different, I'm grateful for the time we get together and especially that we have such respect for one another. I hope you and your son find something to bring you together the way my dad and I have.

[Gagis]

Personally I have always wanted children but never felt ready and now it seems that it might be too late. I know of a man in his seventies who had a similar experience to me in that a spiritual master put him down, at least as a man it is never too late to have children, though it get's harder to find a mate, and depends to some extent on the health of the individual. I have never understood the monastic calling, but certainly there is a joy in transcending biological constraints. Thank you.

[yohan_77]

Thanks to each of you who took a minute of your time to reply.

I'm trying to reply individually but I'm not sure how to, so I'll address to you below.

 

amaysngrace: don't feel sorry, this is just me venting, thank you for your words.

We did touch this subject with him and his wife once when they got engaged. He was the one who said "Dad, we don't really plan on having kids, I'm not even sure we like them".

We played along, laughed, but deep down I was crushed. Later, when I was alone with my wife, she started going berserk and angry, saying "He WILL give us grandchildren, even if I have to make him do it."

I talked to her and she calmed down, she does not understand how is it possible for him not to want kids. And I am sure that she would get into arguments with him about this, if I do not control her.

I believe he does feel that we want grandkids and we're sad because he's not giving us that, but what can he do? It's his life. I'll be dead and he'll be the one with a kid to raise, so it's his decision, I respect that...

 

CautiouslyOptimistic, Wallysbears and mrs rubble: those ideas sound lovely and I will consider, however, while I would absolutely love to have kids around, volunteer and everything...it would still not be "my son's child", I hope you can understand this.

 

Finding my way: thank you for your comment and for telling me your story.

I can absolutely say that I will not push anything towards my son - we're not even commenting about children with him and his wife.

My wife, however, scares me a bit and I'm a little bit afraid that she will snap into the subject someday - not in a nice way. Until there, I'll do my best to control her.

 

anika99: thank you, and yes...I do understand it's his choice. This was more like a vent than anything really...I was looking for ways to deal with this, not to achieve it.

 

Shindig: thank you, and we do several activities with my son and his wife. My son did not abandon me and my wife...he only does not want kids and this is hurtful.

Last year he and his wife took us to see Andrea Bocelli. This year we're going to see Paul Mccartney together, I can't wait for it!

[preraph]

I feel for you, but you just need to not talk to him anymore about it, or her either. It's their life. People who don't want kids are finding fulfillment another way and are not empty because of it by any means or missing out. I'm 66, female, and never wanted or had kids, and I have no regrets and really only relief that I didn't make a mistake in that regard. On the other hand, I love animals. I'm an animal person, so I love them and enjoy them and they're usually less trouble and certainly less life-changing than kids.

 

My parents had two daughters, and neither of us had kids. They never seemed to really mind.

 

Have you thought about doing some volunteer work with kids to kind of give you that sense of purpose and fulfillment? You could be a valuable asset to an underprivileged kid. There's charities that do everything from dress them for prom to Big Brother to helping at the church or whatever is convenient. I always kind of wanted to be a Scout Leader because I was very outdoorsy when young and would have been good at it and enjoyed it, but I didn't because I was too busy working to make a living. Now I am not fit enough to be able to sleep in a tent!

[Shindig]

Venting is good, but maybe you'd benefit from really mourning the loss because I think that's what you're feeling here. Grieving can make it easier to move on. What do you think?

[yohan_77]

preraph: thank you.

I am not talking about it with him anymore, not since we touched the subject a long time ago. This is just me and my thoughts.

 

As for fulfillment, I do volunteer work, I help at animal shelters and also organize small parties in orphanages with our community.

I do enjoy it, but it still makes me sad thinking about how I'm never going to be a grandfather.

 

Shindig: yes...you could be right. I might as well look for a therapist for it.

My wife is no help and I definitely can't deal with this alone.

[Shindig]

Good luck with it. We're here if you need, OK?

[Tamfana]

yohan_77, I identify completely! My kids say they don't want children either and I want grandchildren so much! I guess I've also hidden it well (as it appears you and your wife have) since one of my kids says she appreciates how understanding I've been and her in-laws, dad and stepmom pressure a lot.

I'm like your wife in private.

Not much we can do about it. But CautiouslyOptimistic's link is very intriguing.

[Mystyry]

I understand what you are saying, even more so due to my specific situation. My mom felt very similarly to you. We had a wonderful relationship, but the one thing she always asked of me was grandchildren.

 

She passed away last year and I’ve been having a very hard time with it - not in the least because I feel that despite all my accomplishments, degrees, stable life situation, our mutual love and respect, I have never given her the one thing she wanted, that I have disappointed and failed her. I know logically that isn’t true, but in my grief that’s what my head tells me. So for what it’s worth, be sure to also tell your son these things you mention - that you just want him to be happy, however he goes about it. Seems so obvious and still...

 

Best of luck, OP.

[vinnyfl]

My wife and I never had kids either. Luckily my sister did. However when my father died he left nothing to his grandchildren. He told me that they never visited or called him during the last 15 years of his life and felt that was very disrespectful.

 

I live among 100,000+ senior citizens and from what I am told is that once the grandkids grow up, they do not want to visit their old grandparents. So the joy is basically while the grandkids are young and then years of silence.

[bathtub-row]

I can understand your sadness. I’m not sure how I’d feel if my son made that decision but, like you, I would respect it. However, I think I what I’d try to keep in mind is that I would have my son and I get a great deal of joy out of him and watching his life transform. Sometimes we just have to focus on the positives and accept the things we can’t change.