Parents overtly disapprove of fiance

[bubbledot]

This has been a long standing issue and I'm getting extremely tired of this, so looking for some perspective on how bad this really is.

 

I got engaged 9 months ago (dating more than 2 years) but even shortly after we were dating in a serious way, my parents starting showing signs that they didn't like/approve of my boyfriend who is now my fiance.

 

He has some quirks but is overall a normal guy who works, has an active lifestyle, loves me, doesn't do drugs/alcohol, but more importantly treats me well. And of course, I love him and enjoy being with him.

 

On the other hand they criticize him to no end. They are annoyed by totally ridiculous things like "he talks too much", "he's a slob", "he didn't go to college", "he is a terrible driver", "he texts you all day long, can't he leave you alone for a minute?", "he's rude".

 

In the beginning he was more shy and awkward which my parents may have perceived as rudeness, but now he's nothing but kind to them, and he is constantly getting them gifts or offering to help, asks how they are doing, or cook meals etc.

 

I have even gone to counseling by myself over this, though the counselor just assured me that eventually my parents would accept him and US. I'm still waiting for that to happen.

 

We have been living together for almost a year and recently bought a house together and have been pretty content. My parents live an hour away (yes, I'm an only child) and I was visiting them often, but now that we have a bigger house they've started to come stay with us a few times for a night or two. They made a big fuss before we bought the house and warned me that I shouldn't do it, but now that they see how great it is, they have nothing to say about it.

 

I thought things were *finally* starting to get a little better at this point. My parents would make some effort (although strained) to make conversation with him, and we've even had breakfasts together at home.

 

 

Then everything was ruined. On Monday morning my fiance got up early for work and in a hurry, he backed into my parents car in the driveway. It was a fender bender, but my parents were absolutely livid. He apologized profusely and offered to make everything right in any way possible. He gave my mom a small gift and his insurance paid for everything.

 

Both cars are fixed now, but my parents will not get over it. They avoid him completely or if they see him, they don't talk or give curt responses. It's honestly really mean. They think of him as an imbecile who can't drive. I will note they didn't use the word "imbecile" but my dad did ask "what kind of person wrecks a car in a driveway that is parked far away from you?". It's true, their car was on the OTHER side, but somehow his car was parked at an angle and he backed out across instead of straight back.

 

I agree that he is not the sharpest when it comes to common sense. I even get exasperated and we get into arguments over things like this. But ultimately I recognize that he's not perfect, and I accept the flaws that he does have. He can be naturally clumsy. I have flaws too. My parents are totally blind to his good side. It doesn't make any sense to me.

 

Naturally I'm not feeling confident about getting married because of their harsh disapproval and this makes me sad. I love my parents and I want them to be happy, but I feel like I've created this nightmare by being with this man. But I don't want to destroy something that doesn't even have a good reason for destroying!

 

I've tried everything. I've tried talking to my parents countless times, begging them, getting angry and exploding, asking my fiance to try different strategies. Nothing works.

Edited March 18, 2019 by bubbledot

[Wallysbears]

It’s your life, not theirs. Do you love this man and want to have a family with him?

 

Tell them that and then tell them they had better speak up if they have a definitive reason you shouldn’t or they need to shut up.

[d0nnivain]

Walk away.

 

I had to do this with my own parents. I am an only child too. When they didn't like or approve of certain decisions I made, I told them it was my life & they had to accept it. They didn't. I cut most contact with them for about a year. I still sent birthday & holiday cards but I stopped calling & visiting. If something happened within the family aunts & cousins relayed it to me. Eventually out of fear of losing me all together my parents relented & accepted my adult decisions.

[basil67]

Apparently they are right about him being a terrible driver. Makes me wonder if they are also right about the other things.

 

What do your friends say about him?

[bubbledot]

What gets me is that their behavior is totally illogical. To which my fiance says, of course they're not logical, because they're feeling the pain of their emotions, and emotions are not logical ever. I agree with that, but they refuse to try to be more positive. They want to be "right" because they are the parents. To admit that they're wrong would be humiliating, though I'm just making guesses.

 

If I were alone and single, as I was for years before, or dating horrible men, they wouldn't have anything to freak out over, but I would totally miserable. When I was single I told them a million times how miserable I was and how much I wanted to be with someone. I feel like they never empathized with me and were just content that I was doing my own thing. Now that I'm splitting my decision making with someone else, it makes their blood boil.

 

As for the type of man they want me to be with, I already know he isn't it. I've dated men who were more likable in their eyes, but I always got tired of those men and hated how shallow they were.

 

This is why I won't allow them to change my mind on this.

[bubbledot]

Apparently they are right about him being a terrible driver. Makes me wonder if they are also right about the other things.

 

What do your friends say about him?

 

I don't have too many close friends now that I've moved so I can't add much there. Before we moved to a new city, I introduced him to some of my friends. They seemed to get along with him, and I never heard anything negative.

 

He met my closest aunt and she treated him just fine. I also introduced him to my boss and new coworkers, but it was a brief interaction.

 

I wish I had more feedback from friends on this. But after 2+ years, surely some red flag would have already come up.

 

It doesn't help that neither of us are very social. We have trouble meeting friends that are close to our age, not single, and have similar interests. Moving to a new place has made it hard to meet other people, but that's a different topic.

Edited March 18, 2019 by bubbledot

[Mr. Lucky]

Parents overtly disapprove of fiance

 

Which one of your parents is marrying him?

 

I ask because it's really only the opinion of his intended that counts. And while it would certainly be nice to have their blessing, they're not the ones planning a life with him.

 

Follow your instincts. If they say he's the "one", I'd invite your parents to the ceremony and make sure they know you'd love to have them there. But with them or without them, you're following your heart.

 

Quick driving story - right after I put my wife-to-be on my insurance in anticipation of our wedding, her sister unexpectedly went into labor. My wife was so stressed and rushed getting to the hospital, she missed the turn in and hit a car parallel parked on the street. Which hit the car in front of it... Which hit the car in front of it... Which hit the car in front of it... You get the picture.

 

According to your Dad, this "imbecile" was the wrong choice for me. 35 years, four kids and two grandkids later, I'd have to disagree. Stand up for yourself and what you believe in...

 

Mr. Lucky

Edited March 18, 2019 by Mr. Lucky

[bubbledot]

Which one of your parents is marrying him?

 

I ask because it's really only the opinion of his intended that counts. And while it would certainly be nice to have their blessing, they're not the ones planning a life with him.

 

Follow your instincts. If they say he's the "one", I'd invite your parents to the ceremony and make sure they know you'd love to have them there. But with them or without them, you're following your heart.

 

Quick driving story - right after I put my wife-to-be on my insurance in anticipation of our wedding, her sister unexpectedly went into labor. My wife was so stressed and rushed getting to the hospital, she missed the turn in and hit a car parallel parked on the street. Which hit the car in front of it... Which hit the car in front of it... Which hit the car in front of it... You get the picture.

 

According to your Dad, this "imbecile" was the wrong choice for me. 35 years, four kids and two grandkids later, I'd have to disagree. Stand up for yourself and what you believe in...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Thank you for this. This is what I need to hear.

[Whodatdog]

Id be far more concerned that your parents wouldnt get over something so unimportant like a fender bender. No one was hurt, insurance took care of everything, he was apologetic...so why is this still an issue? Its why they are called accidents. How sad for them that they are so judgmental, and apparently so perfect. Sad for you because your own parents cant be happy for you. Sounds like you chose a good guy who treats you well.

 

If they can't accept him, maybe you should separate yourself from them before they really hurt him and ruin your relationship with him. Stop with the overnight visits from them. Its very disrespectful to your fiance. I can't even imagine the tension in that house when they are their. In HIS house.

[darkmoon]

my theory is that you are in fact all grown up, and these disapproving bouts are just parents who cannot handle your independence, so they have these disapproving bouts at him

[major_merrick]

Do what you want - it is your life! Parents may comment, but ultimately it is not their choice. I could care less what my parents think - my mom is in prison and my dad is dead. To hell with the both of them. As for my in-laws...they don't like me very much but they have to deal with me. That's their problem, not mine. See how life goes?

[Els]

So they are staying in the house that you and your fiance bought together, your fiance had to go to work (to, you know, PAY for the house that they are staying in for free!) and hit their car by accident. He (his insurance) paid for all the repair costs. And they are still giving him the cold shoulder?

 

 

Seriously, **** them. If they want to behave like a 4 yo throwing a tantrum, they are welcome to do so, but not in your house. Your fiance sounds like a good man, he doesn't deserve to come back home from work everyday to house guests who act like they own the very house he's working for.

[bathtub-row]

I’ve never understood people who get hyper over a dinged up vehicle. It’s a car, for Christ’s sake, and fixable.

 

I have an only child and I wouldn’t dream of telling him what to do with his life. If he screws up, I give him my opinion but that’s the end of it. I don’t keep harping on it. If I didn’t like someone he was dating, I’d keep my mouth shut about it, unless that person was blatantly flawed. Even then, I would drop it after I said what I wanted to say. Your parents have no right to continually make you feel bad about your fiancé. No matter how they feel about him, they should keep quiet about it.

[bubbledot]

I was hoping for a fix to this issue but it sounds like there isn't one. I've done everything humanely possible to try, and he has also.

 

The only solution is for me to stop caring. For months I've been living in fear dreading "what if they are right about him?", "what if he isn't the one for me?". It has to stop.

 

It would make sense if he was a drug addict or abusive, but so far he isn't any of those things, so their hysteria is totally unfounded. This is what makes me so furious.

 

They can't stand the fact that I spend so much time with him because we LIVE together.

 

I had cold feet for a long time about getting married, mainly because of my anxiety. If I take a leap of faith and we tie the knot, they'll have to accept it. I'm sure they will cry and scream (same when we got engaged).

 

They can't disown me over this, since that's the very thing they are afraid of in the first place, is losing me.

 

I'm not sure how they got such extreme insecurities. I'm shocked because I have never seen them act so irrationally and so mean for literally no good reason.

[Els]

This sounds like a good conclusion. I agree with you that from everything you've told us, your fiance is a good man and a worthy person to pledge your life to. Sure he made a blunder early in the morning on the way to work, but who hasn't? Not everyone is a morning lark, that doesn't make them a bad partner.

 

 

All the best to both of you.

Edited March 20, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
quote removed

[mark clemson]

They are annoyed by totally ridiculous things like "he talks too much", "he's a slob", "he didn't go to college", "he is a terrible driver", "he texts you all day long, can't he leave you alone for a minute?", "he's rude".

 

 

I'm NOT contradicting the advice above, because I think it's on target. Consider that possibly the college aspect might be bothering them. Depending on THEIR (not your) hopes/expectations this may have them worried as not having a college degree CAN limit people's career prospects etc in life.

 

I have no idea of your situation, so possibly he has great prospects due to what he does. And possibly you don't care, no one else you're likely to be with would have a college degree, etc. I understand that it's not the only factor. I'm just bringing this up to suggest that hinting that he might get a degree at some future point might help a little to alleviate your parents' concerns, IF you're going to bother continuing to try to do that.

[bubbledot]

I'm NOT contradicting the advice above, because I think it's on target. Consider that possibly the college aspect might be bothering them. Depending on THEIR (not your) hopes/expectations this may have them worried as not having a college degree CAN limit people's career prospects etc in life.

 

I have no idea of your situation, so possibly he has great prospects due to what he does. And possibly you don't care, no one else you're likely to be with would have a college degree, etc. I understand that it's not the only factor. I'm just bringing this up to suggest that hinting that he might get a degree at some future point might help a little to alleviate your parents' concerns, IF you're going to bother continuing to try to do that.

 

Yes, this absolutely bothers the hell out of my parents. They can't imagine that their daughter who has a master's degree would be with someone who didn't finish a degree.

 

It bothers me too sometimes, and when we started dating it was something I was uncomfortable about. But then I realized that his lack of a degree doesn't affect our day-to-day life at all. He's always had a well paying job and has no trouble finding new jobs (since we moved).

 

College education is incredibly expensive and time consuming as we all know. It would actually hinder our finances if he went to school at the same time as working full time, unless the employer paid for it. I already went through that myself, and it was not easy.

 

On top of that, he's not really the studious test-taking type. I find this annoying myself and I lecture him about it sometimes, but I realize that I can't change who he is or his personality. If you want to go to school, it's something you actually have to want.

 

Of course my parents don't see it this way. They think that not having a degree means that you are not intelligent, doomed financially, are a loser, etc.

 

I have dated other guys in the past that had degrees, but things never worked out with any of them.

[bathtub-row]

Plenty of highly intelligent people don’t resonate with academics and several of them are business owners. It’s fine if your fiancé succeeds without a degree but just be sure that you’re not staying with him because you’re digging your heels in due to your parents’ attitude toward him.

[Mr. Lucky]

I agree that he is not the sharpest when it comes to common sense. I even get exasperated and we get into arguments over things like this.

 

I find this annoying myself and I lecture him about it sometimes, but I realize that I can't change who he is or his personality.

 

I hope you don't become as critical of him as your parents are of you. It would be a shame to carry their prejudices over into your relationship...

 

Mr. Lucky

[mark clemson]

Totally agree that college is not for everyone and insanely expensive. Degrees definitely aren't a magical train ride to success either.

 

Unfortunately, though it's also pretty much seen as a rite of passage for upper middle class folks (and many others) in this country.

 

Agree with the points above. One thing you could consider doing at some point is calmly pointing out some friends of yours who aren't doing so well. Along the lines of:

 

"You know, <Person A> and <Person B> both finished their degrees, but they <describe mediocre jobs or bad situation>. But H is doing great and <describe good career prospects>. I think I picked a winner."

 

I know this is somewhat superficial. It also might backfire a bit. But it may help to address a concern for your future that is probably at least part of what's driving their issue.

 

A lot of parents have issues with aspirations for their children, so you see e.g. the tiger moms, the dads who expect their kids to be top athletes, etc. It unfortunately sounds like that's part of what's driving this. Hopefully you can get them to see that your future with H is likely to be a bright one.

[amaysngrace]

Geesh, they’re called accidents for a reason. Next time they’re rude and cold towards him he should floor it and t-bone their vehicle with a taxi waiting in the street to take him off to work.

 

Then they would have a reason to complain.

 

Does your happiness not matter to them? Why are they putting you through this? I know a couple men who chose not to go to college to chase their dreams. They both own their own business and call their own shots. You won’t need a degree if you don’t have a boss that requires you to have one.

 

But it sounds like if he did have his degree they’d just find something else to disapprove of him for.

[Turning point]

Apparently they are right about him being a terrible driver.

 

Seems more like a self-fulfilling prophecy on the part of the parents.

They harassed the guy until he's so stressed as to forget he doesn't have the whole driveway to himself today.

 

They are doing the same thing to their daughter hoping to make a car-wreck of her engagement.

 

Not having gone to college doesn't prevent him from attending in the future should he decide it beneficial to his interest or career. That's a lame excuse to be so down on someone. I went to college - and the plumber next door is comparatively kicking my economic arse.

Edited March 20, 2019 by Turning point

[bubbledot]

Seems more like a self-fulfilling prophecy on the part of the parents.

They harassed the guy until he's so stressed as to forget he doesn't have the whole driveway to himself today.

 

They are doing the same thing to their daughter hoping to make a car-wreck of her engagement.

 

Not having gone to college doesn't prevent him from attending in the future should he decide it beneficial to his interest or career. That's a lame excuse to be so down on someone. I went to college - and the plumber next door is comparatively kicking my economic arse.

 

I can only hope that one day they'll come to their senses.

 

I agree that having a college degree has nothing to do with one's potential for making money. Heck my fiance makes more than I do currently.

I think for my parents the issue is not about money, but rather college is a symbol that you are smart, but more book-smart and a critical thinker rather than business-smarts.

 

I dated other men in the past who had multiple degrees, but that didn't improve our romantic compatibility one bit (shocker). They failed to connect with me based on other more important reasons like being jealous, shallow/materialistic, or "players".

 

What disturbs me sometimes is that my parents approved of only one of my old boyfriends. He had military training at the time and eventually went on to get a Bachelors, then an MA, and now a PhD (since we've broken up years ago). My parents still TODAY ask me "how's Doug doing? is he still doing his dissertation?". And they ask me AS IF we're dating or something. I simply answer "mom and dad, I don't care what Doug does with his life anymore, so I have no idea"...

 

They thought he was the bees knees because of his academic pursuits even though the guy couldn't hold a candle to my current fiance when it comes to conversation or having any charisma/personality at all.

[Whodatdog]

I didnt see where your parents have college degrees, but if they dont, who are they to talk about having a college degree....and if they DO have college degrees, they are living proof that an education doesnt make you a better more successful person, since they are miserable judgmental snobs.

[vla1120]

They thought he was the bees knees because of his academic pursuits.......

 

I married into a family who were all education snobs, as well. I started my degree, but never finished. I was in the service, then attended a number of technical schools for certifications in the IT field. I will never forget the day that my (grown) niece (with her Master's degree) found out I made twice as much as her. She was livid. The same way having money does not make you cultured, having a graduate degree does not make you intelligent.