Not sure how to handle relationship with ex

[runninglots]

Hi guys,

 

Okay so I will try to simplify the backstory but it might be hard to summarize.

 

I graduated from college last May, where I was dating a guy(still in grad school there and finishing this May.) Fell super in love with him and same for him. Honestly he seemed to fall harder and it in a way scared me thinking why is he so infactuated, when will this wear off. His friends teased him a ton for being so into me, whipped, yada yada he is just kind of one of those over top super sweet people- which always made me feel loved

 

Moving forward before we started dating I had plans to go to a foreign 3rd world country for a year with my best friend after graduation. I told him this before we got in a relationship and he was on board with doing distance for his last year of school. Said it didn't scare him it was worth it and it would allow him to focus on school anyways..

So when the time came for me to leave I was having second thoughts a lot, didn't want to miss him but wanted to stick to a dream of mine, I remember saying bye to him and just bawling my eyes out. Also by this point I was changing the whole year thing to just 6 months, didn't leave till this past November and was going to come back in time for his graduation! Anyways first month went great, second month i decided to come back to spend xmas with him and his fam. After deciding to do that i got really anxious and started second guessing the relationship, he was getting super clingy and insecure with me being gone, like freaking out about other people id hang out with/met, not want me to leave my aunts hotel i was working at much.. stuff like that and kept asking when he could ask my dad for my hand because he wants to get married after graduation.. stuff that was really pressuring me and making me second guess things, Im 23 now and have divorced parents(real bad experience with that) all sorts... anyways Then a really close friend from college got in a freak accident and died. i was feeling more or less because honestly i started feeling kind of numb emotionally that I've had to deal with probably ever. I changed my ticket to go back right after his first semester finals the day before he'd be driving home and seeing me for break... and broke up with him.

 

He cried and cried, i did it nicely and wrote a super nice letter explained I was confused overwhelmed and didn't feel peace with the relationship and needed time.. i did tell him to move on because I didn't want to string him along..but said I do love him and don't see it not working for us..

 

 

sorry this is getting so long..its complicated!!

Anyways the next day before leaving he wrote me a letter back saying i was the love of his life and that would never change.. he said he will just pray and hope that i change my mind and want to be with him again..

 

 

I went to my friends funeral and he texted me throughout the day saying he would have loved to be there with me if i wanted him there and that he misses me so much and this is crazy... we talked on the phone that night and it hurt i missed him so much but i felt like i needed distance and wasnt ready to be as serious as he was at this point in my life.... so time went on a few weeks and we talked a bit every few days.. a lot of him asking me if i reconsidered.. and often him saying he still loved me. After about a month one of his friends told me he went on a date.. i felt tons of emotions and mad pretty much, i talked to him about it and he denied it was a date just getting together with a friend.. pretty sure it was a date though, they went to dinner. honestly he's a catch so Im sure if he wanted he could have lots of dates... we talked the next day on the phone to discuss things cus that stirred up so much.. i wanted to tell him then on the phone i wanted to be with him again but didnt, he said he still misses me but is okay. we set boundaries to talking, that would wouldn't say i love you or miss you but try to be friends.

 

So I went back to the other country to finish that journey there.. started contemplating everything as realized how crappy it all was not having him in my life, missing him terribly etc coming to the realization of how bad i need him in my life..

At this time hes doing study abroad in Europe... One of these days he messaged me about a terrible dream he had of me with another guy and how awful it was... i told him i am not and have not been with anyone and have no plans on, then i told him i just wanted to be with him and only want him for my future and want to discuss that on the phone when we get back. He is confused and is like how is that going to work etc.. which threw me off guard because i thought he would just be excited to hear that??? Anyways we keep texting here and there all nice stuff.. he started saying i love you again not frequently but saying it. Anyways he gets home and has a week with him family before going back to start classes again.

 

I ask when we can talk about rebuilding our realtionship and he blows it off saying he is really busy..we kind of start arguing because I feel offended and don't get this asking when can we talk and he Isnt sure... He starts saying he deosn't get how i can just want him back when nothings changed and that i hurt him so bad its going to take a lot.

 

Not what i was expecting. He says he needs space from talking..which we havent done this whole time. So i give him the space because i mean i did break up with him, and if thats what he wants or needs i can do that..it was hard and i missed him though...

Then finally after 10 days we talk..he tells me his family is all opposed and doesnt want to see him hurt and see how the relationship will work now when it didnt before, we still have distance,, he is starting a high stress job after graduating..lots of obstacles. I basically am like what about everything you said is that all gone?

He said he was heartbroken and only saw a future with me.. now he says he sees a future with me but can also see it without me.

 

I am devastated and confused..

On one hand if 3 months is going to change him wanting to be with me maybe i dodged a bullet.... on the other, i feel like i lost something so valuable, do i just need to fight harder to get him back??? I tried talking to his good friend about it and he is just as confused saying he loved us together and don't see why my ex wouldn't try again...

 

 

We are not talking at all now and the few times I've messaged him he has been very short with me and clearly deosn't want to talk.

I told him I want to make it work and will not be looking for anyone else instead will wait for him to sort things out in his head. He says he deosn't know anymore, isnt as sure i am right for him as he was when we were together.

 

 

 

I don't know what to do..but i want to love and be loved by him again.

I am home now(in a different state than him) but in the country!! Prettty much came home because i was so sad and in pain missing him...needed to be around family for support and in the comfortable US.!

[runninglots]

Also got informed that when he got back from Europe he started taking anti-depression/anxiety medication(prozac) I have heard this drug lessens your emotions/feelings...does that have much to do with him feeling over me???? Whats going on... Should I go out to where he is and see him?? I want to confront the situation in person but am so scared of another rejection...the first was bad enough..

 

 

 

We have had no communication whatsoever for 2 weeks now, the longest ever and its killing me.... especially because i have no idea when we will even speak again.. Im not reaching out because there's no reason to for me now.. I put the ball in his court..said i wanted to be with him..said even if he doesn't i want any kind of friendship i can have.. have tried talking and can see he doesn't care/want to...

 

 

He went from caring so much to seeming to not want much to do with me.. though he has not ever told me he doesn't want it to work. But did say he wants to date other people. He thinks that will help him find more certainty... how can i just be in this position, that is painful????

Plus i don't understand because throughout our relationship he was SO certain about me. I was the one questioning it..???

 

soo ya.....

 

 

My family is telling me to move on forget him if he is willing to forget me... but i do love him and I know how strongly we felt about each other/I still do..

[ExpatInItaly]

OP, I think you were right to break up with him in the first place.

 

He didn't even want you to leave your aunt's hotel, for heaven's sake. That is some seriously insecure and controlling behaviour. See that red flag for what it is. Pressuring you to get engaged so early was also not a good sign.

 

I understand your ego was bruised when you found out he'd been on a date, but think carefully about what it is you're trying to so hard to go back to. It doesn't sound as though you two had a very healthy dynamic. Don't make the mistake of assuming that's all down to the distance between you at that time, either.

 

Honestly, I would let him stay gone now. My guess is that this is a combination of family pressure on him and also quite possibly that he's dating someone else. With true time and space away, I think you will see that this wasn't the greatest relationship and that you were wise to listen to your instincts and end it when you first did.

[Ladiixmk]

Ehhhh OP I am a bit in the middle here.

 

At first you broke up with him because you said you were confused and overwhelmed, and even said, "i did tell him to move on because I didn't want to string him along..but said I do love him and don't see it not working for us.."

 

And then you want to get back together with him, and he wants to move on, and you're questioning why???

 

Admittedly he was really clingy in the beginning. And that creeped you out, which make sense. But think to yourself - are you able to deal with the clinginess? Is he the right guy for you?

 

I'd suggest taking a step back and thinking about what you really want.