My emotions are too much, feel desperate

[pinkpaw]

The human mind is indeed the hardest to defeat!

 

You sound like you're in so much pain. I'm glad you reached out to others. I'm so sorry you had so much pain, it sounds horrible to have to deal with these things.

 

I think you are really courageous and resilient to be working on yourself and holding onto hope.

 

Perhaps loving kindness meditation or self-compassion meditations would help? I've heard so much good about them and I personally find meditation and mindfulness really helpful.

 

I've heard often that people who think about death want the pain to end, not their lives to end. And I truly believe that the pain will end, things will get better.

 

Stay strong. You are loved.

 

Hi all.

Its really heartening to get replies, thank you.

This reply gave me a lump in my throat. Thank you for acknowledging my pain, it seems to help me to have self-compassion to receive such replies like this. I am not used to my emotions being recognised at all.

 

Things on my end are getting better professionally....finishing off my degree in a few weeks and all the paperwork has now been completed and sent off for my first job offer.

 

I still am in a dazed state about my personal life. I think that's going to be around for a while, and I'm learning to be okay with that.

I'm learning about things like 'mother wound' and complex ptsd more and more. Learning to sit with and talk about my flashbacks. My boyfriend is incredibly loving and patient (it dawns on me more and more everyday how horrifyingly incorrect my idea of love before him was....these realisations are so scary). He never loses his patience. He insists I tell him when he recognises I'm having a flashback. The problem with the flashbacks are, they come to me and they are cloaked in shame! And I feel like that child in that exact moment in time all over again and how I was met with humiliation, mocking, jeering. When he asks me to talk I'm terrified he will mock me, and it makes me feel sick. But then I do it and he doesn't and it feels that bit safer.

 

The big discrepancy between what i thought was normal and what actually is normal is being highlighted more and more and it is downright terrifying. Yesterday I cried because I remembered being 7 or 8 and my late brother wanted me to have a fun evening with some other kids...we went to the cinema and he let me pick the movie. I was so excited and happy as were the kids I went with but then the elder relative who sexually abused me barged in on the trip and insisted they come along too and got angry at the movie I picked because it was a cartoon and had a fit, hissed nasty remarks at me throughout it all and mocked me for the choice in movie constantly, over and over and over. I sat in the cinema my heart pounding the whole time, saying prayers to God over and over and over again, asking him to help this relative to understand why this movie is fun, and to help them have a good time so they would stop berating me and telling me I'm the cause of a bad time. There was no-one to talk to! No-one to give me a cuddle and comfort me. I'd go home and just want to sleep everything away but then the night terrors would come.

 

I feel so sorry to think a child went through that, and to think of any and all children growing up in dysfunctional, abusive households. It makes me want to do something to help. Luckily within my line of work, I am in a position where I can actually do something. My hope is that we as a society start paying more attention to childrens' needs..to the inter-generational nature of abusive and negligent parenting and family units and to start educating more people, and start the enormous task of addressing such issues properly.

 

I am sorry if this message is very long and detailed and thorough. This place feels like my safe space and sometimes I want to release my thoughts/emotions in a less immediate way than having a live reaction.

[bathtub-row]

I’m sorry you’re sad. Sounds like you’ve got your education and career on a strong path though. That’s something to really be proud of.

[kore]

when its put like that, its kind of inspiring to continue.

Do you ever have or had some scary self-defeating thoughts when you start doing well/progressing?

Like I have this tiny gremlin like voice in my head that seems to want to remind me...hang on, you can't heal too much - there was a LOT of abuse of different kinds that I experienced and people like me are 'damaged' - they're your alcoholics and homeless people, not...successful, happy, balanced people?

Like I can't reconcile the horrific past with this idea of a stable and balanced state of mind, even when I start feeling more stable.

 

The human mind can be the hardest thing to defeat!

 

Yep.

 

I've had those scary self-defeating thoughts. Still do, sometimes.

 

What's changed is that I know they're just thoughts.

 

Over the years, I've learned how to consciously change the script.

 

I still struggle, sometimes, but I've reached the point where I can recognize the effects of that early, abusive programming, and distance myself from its influence.

 

You might check out James Clear on "identity-based habits" and how this approach can be used to influence the way you think about yourself (I'm going to be trying it). It strikes me as a simple and practical way to cultivate a healthy (and accurate) self-image.

 

One thing I've discovered is that at least some of those who appear "successful, happy, and balanced" are not. They may be fighting demons of their own. The person who appears to have it all may be struggling.

 

Indeed, someone may see you and think, "Wow. She's amazing..."

 

And you are.

 

I can tell from your very post that you are lovable, brave, and kind, with excellent critical thinking skills. You feel strongly about acknowledging the good in others - which, frankly, is extraordinary, given what you've been through. Your response to horrific abuse is to live the opposite. You've taken back your power.

 

In this sense, you've already won.

 

I know this doesn't take away the pain. The struggle is ongoing. But you got this.

 

You are not the abuse you endured. You are you.

[stillafool]

I think it's a good idea to stay away from all of your family members and I'm glad you are. Did you ever look into the C-PTSD forums for support?

[pinkpaw]

I think it's a good idea to stay away from all of your family members and I'm glad you are. Did you ever look into the C-PTSD forums for support?

 

I did yes and am still using them They are incredibly helpful for validation and to know I'm not alone, and got lots of useful tips and information on how to address things. There are some brilliant youtube channels dedicated to this stuff as well, thank god for the internet!

[pinkpaw]

I’m sorry you’re sad. Sounds like you’ve got your education and career on a strong path though. That’s something to really be proud of.

 

Thanks bathtub I am pretty proud today, maybe its a better day but dunno, makes a change from feeling completely undeserving and out of place

[spiderowl]

I am really sorry to hear what has happened to you. Such abuse is a form of conditioning and you are battling automatic reactions. It sounds like you have a loving boyfriend who is helping you through these automatic reactions to a place of peace. That is really good to hear.

 

I know that when you are dealing with so much, the steps forward can seem like they are not enough, but you will get there. You are going to be one fantastic therapist yourself because you have experience of what can happen to some children and are finding ways to process it.

 

I know that even with others around, it can seem like a lonely place. As I've grown older, I've become more aware of the gap between my experience of family and how people should treat each other and the way friends and colleagues were treated when young. Of course not everyone's life is perfect, but I see how loved some of my friends and colleagues are by their families and what positive messages they receive from them on a regular basis, and it contrasts heavily with my own experiences. Being conscious of the gap between their experiences and mine makes me feel alone with it all. I guess the war veterans must have felt something similar in that they would feel that no-one would understand. Many kept their experiences to themselves because they were too traumatic or because they knew no-one around would understand.

 

I had a revelation recently which has helped for some reason. I'm still not sure why but understanding it has made a difference. I realised that I felt frustrated most of the time - not sexually frustrated but frustrated that I was seeing things that needed to change or be done differently and no-one appeared to care or listen. Just watching the news left me frustrated. I realised that that frustration turned into anger and I was on edge a lot of the time. I felt angry at people though I didn't show it. The anger was eating me up and distorting relationships. Not showing the anger or understanding that it stemmed from 'frustration at things being wrong and nothing being done to put them right', I was at the mercy of angry feelings I could not express, so I tried to ignore them and suppress them. The result was depression and despair.

 

I suspect that in abusive situations, one is left feeling a lot of anger and frustration. For example, why did they do that? Why treat someone like that? Why is that person not understanding how cruel they are being? One does not necessarily recognise the frustration but more the upset and anger. Frustration is involved in that 'powerless' feeling and it also leads to anger and the desire to hit back in some way. The mixed feelings are just too much and one buries them and copes until it all gets too much.

 

Just recognising these emotions and how they can ultimately lead to depression somehow helped me to interrupt that cycle. I didn't realise just how much frustration was a part of it. I don't know if this insight will help you. It has helped me. I am not sure yet how much but I feel less angry towards others now. I am hoping this will mean that the depression will diminish as well.

 

I hope this all means something to you. It might be a useful exercise to write down all those questions you have as if speaking directly to the person, e.g. why did you do this? This would draw out the specific behaviours that caused you pain and put them outside of yourself onto paper. You can then look at what frustrations were involved in the need to have those questions answered. They may never be answered of course but at least they are not swimming about in your unconscious but have been brought out into the light where they will lose some of their power.

Edited May 11, 2019 by spiderowl

[pinkpaw]

I am really sorry to hear what has happened to you. Such abuse is a form of conditioning and you are battling automatic reactions. It sounds like you have a loving boyfriend who is helping you through these automatic reactions to a place of peace. That is really good to hear.

 

 

 

The abuse always wins, it steals childhoods and that is only the appetizer for this monster which takes more and more as adult victims grow older.

I've given up and into depression. The world is sick and greedy and let's face it, narcissistic traits are only getting more and more celebrated and rewarded. I want out of all of this. Heard about a story of a girl in netherlands granted euthanasia for ptsd - honestly can see how this is the more compassionate thing

Edited June 17, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[LivingWaterPlease]

Pinkpaw, I also have ptsd from childhood experiences. I began to fantasize about death at the age of ten. By the age of 14 I became obsessed with suicide and many days in high school, especially ages 16 and 17 I fought to stay alive.

 

This continued on into my adult life. I developed an addiction to stave it off. And I've written suicide letters.

 

I went to many different therapists but found there was no power there to keep the demons away.

 

What finally healed me was praying and reading the Bible every day to get to know Jesus Christ. There is new life in the Bible and there is power there. If you begin to read it there will come a time when you realize you are a different person. But, it will take some time. It'll be like growing, reliving your childhood.

 

Because of all you've been through, and because of other things, you may not believe in God and it may be repulsive to you to consider reading the Bible, I don't know. But, it's worth a shot for you. It really worked for me.

Now, if I go a couple days without reading it I find myself slipping into old patterns of hopelessness and depression.

 

Another thing you can do is to daily write ten things you're thankful for. I haven't tried this but have heard it's very effective. When I'm reading the Bible I find I'm just naturally thinking of things I'm thankful for.

 

If you decide to do this, get the New International Version because it's accurate but written more in today's vernacular.

[Redhead14]

It's an extremely difficult process but the thing that helped me the most was pushing myself to take on the survivor mentality and leave the victim mentality behind and working on the ability to remind myself every single day, that all that happened way back when and that right now I am safe. Bigger than that was being able to tell myself that the people who hurt me then do not deserve to have power over me in any way shape or form. In other words, I refuse to allow it to hold me back from having the future I deserve. It's something I have to say to myself as soon as I wake up everyday. I've been recovering for over 25 years which is when the flashbacks began in force. I am 60 years old now and have been helping survivors of CSA for many years. It can be done.

[pinkpaw]

Pinkpaw, I also have ptsd from childhood experiences. I began to fantasize about death at the age of ten. By the age of 14 I became obsessed with suicide and many days in high school, especially ages 16 and 17 I fought to stay alive.

 

 

 

This is making me feel worse.

The idea that the only thing that worked to help someone in my shoes feel better is belief systems that endorse eternal hellfire (terrifying) is not helping my PTSD at all.

Thank you if you had good intentions but I really don't need terrifying stories right now. My head is already full of them.

And my mum grew up spewing religious vitriol about my being a 'whore' because going to Hell so this is really just exacerbating everything.

 

I simply don't understand. Dysfunctional families have existed for ages and from the looks of things online, are incredibly prevalent. In all this time, amongst all those afflicted, there has been no move towards at least a tiny something that deals with this problem that doesn't leave the victim fending for themselves? I cannot understand it. When will this evil rot be addressed so that we don't simply accept a world where children get born into pure evil? All my ideas of right and wrong are simply 'idealistic' is the answer i get...because apparently evil and disgusting vile behaviour is more 'realistic'. Riiiiight. Here's me thinking what's 'realistic' is what we accept as a collective.

Edited June 17, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[pinkpaw]

It's an extremely difficult process but the thing that helped me the most was pushing myself to take on the survivor mentality and leave the victim mentality behind and working on the ability to remind myself every single day, that all that happened way back when and that right now I am safe. Bigger than that was being able to tell myself that the people who hurt me then do not deserve to have power over me in any way shape or form. In other words, I refuse to allow it to hold me back from having the future I deserve. It's something I have to say to myself as soon as I wake up everyday. I've been recovering for over 25 years which is when the flashbacks began in force. I am 60 years old now and have been helping survivors of CSA for many years. It can be done.

 

 

I pushed myself to have the survivor mentality since i left home 10 years ago.

I pushed myself so much so I have just qualified as a medical doctor.

And feel nothing but emptiness.

 

So how much more pushing myself do i have to do before i attain the mirage of a little bit of peace? I am not even asking for something huge. I don't care for millions in the bank or a big mansion or worldwide fame but to wake up feeling OK.

 

How did pushing yourself make it work? and 25 years?! How did you cope? I don't understand how its possible to live longer in the state I am in. I am having suicidal thoughts everyday.

 

What is the meaning of all this, like for real, what is the point? All this because some disordered female decided to have kids to treat like crap? And then I stretch on this miserable existence until I inevitably die? For what?

[Ronni_W]

Hugs, pinkpaw.

The abuse always wins, it steals childhoods and that is only the appetizer for this monster which takes more and more as adult victims grow older.

I know that it is tough sledding, but that 'monster' can be made powerless if we just really look it in the face and yell, "EFF YOU!!!"

Doing that may temporarily take a lot out of you for a day or two, but it will concurrently debilitate the 'monster'...and it doesn't have your power of determination to come back to your full strength.

So, every time you yell at it, it will get smaller and smaller.

 

Heard about a story of a girl in netherlands granted euthanasia for ptsd - honestly can see how this is the more compassionate thing

There is an updated article on this story, that shows that Noa was not, in fact, 'granted euthansia', but, rather, was the victim of lack of caring intervention:

Why Dutch teenager Noa's tragic death was misunderstood.

 

The reason that some people would not see this as a compassionate act is if they recognize reincarnation and that it would then require Noa would have to reincarnate back on Earth into

pretty much the exact same conditions and circumstances that she felt unable to handle this time around. (For people who do not believe in reincarnation this is obviously not a consideration.)

 

I don't know your present personal philosophy, but I have found a lot of strength and wisdom through 'A Course in Miracles'.

I would offer to allow your intuition to choose which of the three sections to read at any given time, and also which chapter.

 

Wishing you all the very best,

Ronni

[pinkpaw]

Hugs, pinkpaw.

 

I know that it is tough sledding, but that 'monster' can be made powerless if we just really look it in the face and yell, "EFF YOU!!!"

Doing that may temporarily take a lot out of you for a day or two, but it will concurrently debilitate the 'monster'...and it doesn't have your power of determination to come back to your full strength.

So, every time you yell at it, it will get smaller and smaller.

 

 

Hi Ronni.

Thanks for the hugs and the links. I actually decided to pop back today to give a little update and was really pleased to read your kind message. I read the link on the update on Noa's story and I'm so happy to read that despite the tragic end result, this was NOT a case of authorised euthanasia because quite frankly, the first time i read the misinformed news, my heart sank as it felt like official confirmation that PTSD is incurable and affirmation I should give up.

 

A little update on those who care to hear it....for some reason, somehow, something seems to have changed. I don't want to speak too soon, but something feels like its been switched on, and that healing has started to take place. It feels slightly odd because its not a feeling I'm having to work for anymore. Its just there and just is, if that makes sense. I am no longer waking up having to battle my way out of guilt, shame, feelings of blame, responsibility . I feel like that heavy work which at some points felt endless and suffocating...actually did have this end goal which I'd read about but could not believe when I was in the depths of it which is: you WILL start to heal.

I've been able to enjoy life again. I didn't believe it was possible. As a small example, suddenly I understand why it is fun for people to go have a coffee with friends. Or to enjoy the sunny weather. The little things. I honestly didn't believe this was all possible.

And not only that, I received messages from a family member upping the game with manipulation and blame-shifting. They had told me that they no longer liked who i was since i started therapy and that i was no longer 'fun, outgoing, adventurous'. I told them it was because i was no longer ignoring my pain and actually paying attention to my needs. They then texted the next day to tell me that this makes me manipualtive and cunning, that I put on an 'act' and now this is the real me, now the mask is off, that I am not actually fun, loving, adventurous, that I deserve an oscar.

Something like this would have floored me and got me to question my whole existence and whether this makes me bad, abusive, manipulative etc. Instead, again, I didn't even need to work my way out of bad feelings. Something in me just has confirmation in who I am and what my actual reality is. And how they try to distort facts and gaslight me. And that's not me, that's their choice, which I can choose to disengage in. I didn't even reply, didn't even cry, nothing. Just went for the block feature and then went to meet up with some friends.

 

I don't know what suddenly switched but it has, and I will never neglect my emotional needs in such a dire way ever again. Nor will I ever let someone else's narrative seep into my head and distort my version of MY reality.

 

Thanks to all who replied, and thank you ronni, for your interesting insightful take on things. I'm gonna now look at the links you posted.

 

I hope everyone has been keeping well

Edited August 3, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[pinkpaw]

I am really sorry to hear what has happened to you. Such abuse is a form of conditioning and you are battling automatic reactions. It sounds like you have a loving boyfriend who is helping you through these automatic reactions to a place of peace. That is really good to hear.

 

I know that when you are dealing with so much, the steps forward can seem like they are not enough, but you will get there. You are going to be one fantastic therapist yourself because you have experience of what can happen to some children and are finding ways to process it.

 

I know that even with others around, it can seem like a lonely place. As I've grown older, I've become more aware of the gap between my experience of family and how people should treat each other and the way friends and colleagues were treated when young. Of course not everyone's life is perfect, but I see how loved some of my friends and colleagues are by their families and what positive messages they receive from them on a regular basis, and it contrasts heavily with my own experiences. Being conscious of the gap between their experiences and mine makes me feel alone with it all. I guess the war veterans must have felt something similar in that they would feel that no-one would understand. Many kept their experiences to themselves because they were too traumatic or because they knew no-one around would understand.

 

I had a revelation recently which has helped for some reason. I'm still not sure why but understanding it has made a difference. I realised that I felt frustrated most of the time - not sexually frustrated but frustrated that I was seeing things that needed to change or be done differently and no-one appeared to care or listen. Just watching the news left me frustrated. I realised that that frustration turned into anger and I was on edge a lot of the time. I felt angry at people though I didn't show it. The anger was eating me up and distorting relationships. Not showing the anger or understanding that it stemmed from 'frustration at things being wrong and nothing being done to put them right', I was at the mercy of angry feelings I could not express, so I tried to ignore them and suppress them. The result was depression and despair.

 

I suspect that in abusive situations, one is left feeling a lot of anger and frustration. For example, why did they do that? Why treat someone like that? Why is that person not understanding how cruel they are being? One does not necessarily recognise the frustration but more the upset and anger. Frustration is involved in that 'powerless' feeling and it also leads to anger and the desire to hit back in some way. The mixed feelings are just too much and one buries them and copes until it all gets too much.

 

Just recognising these emotions and how they can ultimately lead to depression somehow helped me to interrupt that cycle. I didn't realise just how much frustration was a part of it. I don't know if this insight will help you. It has helped me. I am not sure yet how much but I feel less angry towards others now. I am hoping this will mean that the depression will diminish as well.

 

I hope this all means something to you. It might be a useful exercise to write down all those questions you have as if speaking directly to the person, e.g. why did you do this? This would draw out the specific behaviours that caused you pain and put them outside of yourself onto paper. You can then look at what frustrations were involved in the need to have those questions answered. They may never be answered of course but at least they are not swimming about in your unconscious but have been brought out into the light where they will lose some of their power.

 

I don't think I was able to appreciate this response properly before when I was in the thick of it but reading it now, this is amazingly insightful. I'm getting the impression that you have tapped into the idea that the chain reaction of emotions that occurs when things build up - if left undissected and the various stages (from initial to build-up) are not taken apart and dealt with respectively, we are left with the overall 'end' emotion which like you said, can not seem very recognisable at all. And at this point, I am inclined to agree that taking it apart, and RECOGNITION and validation of each step is what will ward off the end result. I have always suspected that depression is the end result of overpowering, unaddressed emotional needs coming to a head. The mind and soul's way of 'checking out' of an intolerably overfilled system. By emptying the system little by little, the end undesired results can be avoided.

 

Of course, this is all just speculation, but for me, I do find this is what works. As Ronni said, facing the monster head-on (but taking apart this toxic system and dealing with each emotional component) - this works best for me to truly heal. I am not at all interested or willing to invest in plasters, or cover-ups, or delaying, or distracting or anything thereof (none of that works in the long-term) - nothing is more powerful than the truth and facing it. With power comes....well, not just great responsibility as the old saying goes, but a whole host of unpleasant difficulties that cannot be ignored. And I believe we all have the right to aim for the power over our health and happiness.

[Ronni_W]

Hi pinkpaw.

 

Your post is very inspirational...thanks for taking the time for your updates! .

 

...and I'm so happy to read that despite the tragic end result, this was NOT a case of authorised euthanasia because quite frankly, the first time i read the misinformed news,

my heart sank as it felt like official confirmation that PTSD is incurable and affirmation I should give up.

My personal take is that nothing at all is 'incurable'...it's only that our science and current medical 'experts' with all their perceived 'knowledge' don't really understand the deeper and

higher levels of how our consciousness, mind and psychology works.

 

What I take from your posts is that you've come to realize that YOU know yourself best, and are thus your own best healer and source for your own healing.

(That is, YOU...along with your own Intuition/Inner Voice, which has been guiding you all along, working 'in cahoots' as it were. I get that you're saying that you don't really know how it happened,

but, I'd offer to consider that what happened is that you allowed it to happen by just always staying connected with and open to hearing and following that 'Inner Voice' of yours...

...which does know how you will be best served to serve yourself {if this at all makes sense to you???}.)

 

When we are open to that Higher Guidance -- which also needs a lot of courage and humility to admit that we need such in the first place -- then it starts to feel and need

less effort and 'labour by the sweat of our brow' to not feel weighed down by 'guilt, shame, feelings of blame, responsibility' that don't belong to us in the first place, at all.

 

And not only that, I received messages from a family member upping the game with manipulation and blame-shifting. They had told me that they no longer liked who i was since i started therapy and that i was no longer 'fun, outgoing, adventurous'. I told them it was because i was no longer ignoring my pain and actually paying attention to my needs. They then texted the next day to tell me that this makes me manipualtive and cunning,

That just shows how extremely insightful you have become, and able to discern not only your own positive qualities and progress, but also to be able to 'weed out' the negative intentions,

thoughts and attitudes of others.

Keep it up!!! And don't let other people's selfishness, distorted perceptions and fears and insecurities limit or prevent you from taking care of your own proper and appropriate needs and feelings,

because you will need to be at your best and highest in order to fulfill your highest Plans for yourself.

 

I have always suspected that depression is the end result of overpowering, unaddressed emotional needs coming to a head. The mind and soul's way of 'checking out' of an intolerably overfilled system. By emptying the system little by little, the end undesired results can be avoided.

Not so much emotional 'needs' as emotional traumas 'coming to a head'.

After one has already experienced the 'undesired results' it is about healing and transcending them rather than 'avoiding' them...but our healing work does help to ensure that

we can avoid a future sense of being traumatized, of loss, grief, unfairness, victimhood, etc., in the future.

The actual and true 'monster' is nothing more than our memory of what is already past...meaning that we have already survived it.

 

If it fits in with your own personal philosophy, I've found wisdom in these two articles: 'Spiritual cause and cure for depression' and 'Dealing with depression'.

 

- nothing is more powerful than the truth and facing it. With power comes....well, not just great responsibility as the old saying goes, but a whole host of unpleasant difficulties that cannot be ignored. And I believe we all have the right to aim for the power over our health and happiness.

Not only the right but also the (God-given) authority, to claim dominion over our own health, happiness and experience of the Abundant Life.

 

The 'responsibility' is great on one hand, but, if we think that we are actually only working for our own health, happiness and Abundant Life...and being able to share it with others,

then it can be as much of a joy and desire and love, as a felt 'responsibility'.

 

Wishing you and all, all of God's Love and Blessings.

Edited August 3, 2019 by Ronni_W
Grammar.