My emotions are too much, feel desperate

[pinkpaw]

I'm having such a bad first two days of the week.

 

My horrible childhood wounds sprang into action last year and I've been trying so hard to deal with them. I've been learning about c-ptsd, been trying to sit with and process feelings/memories instead of pushing them away and setting better boundaries.

Since all the changes I've made, I pretty much lost everyone from my 'old life'. I don't even recognise the old me as being me anymore. Always putting others first, constantly being guilt-tripped and manipulated into helping and providing for others, and trying to make everyone happy.

 

I guess somewhere along my journey, i stripped away all the layers that made up my defense mechanisms i learnt as a kid to survive a brutal childhood, so dysfunctional that now I'm away from it, the magnitude of it terrifies me. The things I saw and were subjected to were enormous, yet treated as normal and part and parcel of life. I dissociated a lot and lived in fantasies to cope. Threw myself into school work. Which was good, I'm at uni now, and this has enabled me to get so far away.

 

I'm so thankful for the opportunities education gave me, it saved me from a lifetime of hell. It enabled me to get funding to move away and put the foundations in place for a good career.

 

But now I feel guilty because yesterday and today, I haven't gone in to uni. I've felt traumatized by old unresolved wounds that keep flying out at me. Then i feel shame and embarrassment that they happened to me and that i didn't deal with them properly when i was a kid/teen/young adult. There's so much anger, anguish, sadness and shame brewing inside me. Its beginning to feel insurmountable that death is starting to seem like it might be my only escape.

And yes, I am in therapy before people suggest this. But therapy isn't available on hand, the minute these things strike, which seem to have a life of their own at the moment.

 

I'm desperate for something to keep me going, to give me some relief. I don't want to hear how hard life is, because all that does right now is terrify me. I just want a relief.

I don't even know what that help looks like. I wish I could switch off

[Foxhall]

chin up Pinkpaw,

 

You are doing well, you are at Uni enjoying your studies, you have a bright future ahead,

 

look forward not back,

 

As regards the Uni, I would suggest make a small effort every day to talk to one or two people, I do not mean about your troubles,

 

just getting some engagement and companionship,

 

sometimes if we are brooding too much with our own thoughts, our problems or perceived problems can escalate in our own minds.

 

its all ahead of you, do not feel guilty but remember there are always people a lot worse off than you are,

 

chin up and keep going forwards.

[Ronni_W]

Then i feel shame and embarrassment that they happened to me and that i didn't deal with them properly when i was a kid/teen/young adult.

pinkpaw,

 

It can be terribly difficult to stop ourselves from using our adult, hard-come-by knowledge and wisdom to just mercilessly judge, condemn and beat-up on our 'child/teen self';

I know from personal experience.

 

Perhaps you could ask your therapist for some specific tools, techniques, visualizations to help you when this gets really 'loud in your head'.

(Sometimes it doesn't work just have the intellectual understanding and logic of knowing that you did not know then what you do know now;

on top of which, at that time you did not have any true/practical level of autonomy or self-determination.)

 

For your self-directed healing, Brené Brown does a lot of good work around guilt and shame -- books, YouTube, TED Talks, etc.

 

Sending hugs, and loads of healing and comforting vibes.

[pinkpaw]

As regards the Uni, I would suggest make a small effort every day to talk to one or two people, I do not mean about your troubles,

 

just getting some engagement and companionship,

 

Thank you for your reply. I bit the bullet and emailed my supervisor about our meeting on friday (kept putting this off) and have set my alarm clock from now to hopefully wake up early and go in where I'm expected. The bit you said about making a small effort to engage with and talk to others sounds like it can really help, I'm hoping to give it a try tomorrow.

Edited March 20, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[pinkpaw]

It can be terribly difficult to stop ourselves from using our adult, hard-come-by knowledge and wisdom to just mercilessly judge, condemn and beat-up on our 'child/teen self';

I know from personal experience.

 

Thank you, it really is SO difficult. I have been absolutely monstrous towards myself, unable to have any empathy at all towards my own feelings and hardships and it feels horrendous. I really hope I can balance out in time and learn some self-forgiveness and self-love, living like this is excruciating.

I'll check out the Brene Brown talks, thank you for the recommendation.

Edited March 20, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[Ronni_W]

(Not sure if it'll help, but, just to let you know that I've done literally hundreds of hours of therapy.) What I found is that MOST (98%) of the actual healing gets done outside of session,

including that we need to keep journaling, contemplating, asking - and, more importantly, answering - our own questions, etc.

 

balance out in time and learn some self-forgiveness and self-love,

 

The thing is...it's not really to do those things at some future point in time. You can, and, really, almost *have to* just start doing it. That is, in fact, the most powerful part of 'the power of NOW'.

 

You can start off 'small', so to speak, but, even just telling yourself, "Well...I just didn't know better back then," is a self-loving, self-forgiving gesture. But, you do need to do it, consciously.

And, if that's all that you can manage for 14 days or 33 days, that's perfectly fine and, actually, really great to be able to do.

 

I'm sure you get the picture . Again, sending all the very best to you.

[pinkpaw]

(Not sure if it'll help, but, just to let you know that I've done literally hundreds of hours of therapy.) What I found is that MOST (98%) of the actual healing gets done outside of session,

including that we need to keep journaling, contemplating, asking - and, more importantly, answering - our own questions, etc.

 

 

 

The thing is...it's not really to do those things at some future point in time. You can, and, really, almost *have to* just start doing it. That is, in fact, the most powerful part of 'the power of NOW'.

 

You can start off 'small', so to speak, but, even just telling yourself, "Well...I just didn't know better back then," is a self-loving, self-forgiving gesture. But, you do need to do it, consciously.

And, if that's all that you can manage for 14 days or 33 days, that's perfectly fine and, actually, really great to be able to do.

 

I'm sure you get the picture . Again, sending all the very best to you.

 

The self-loving gesture, even though it is small, seems impossible.

I hate myself so much right now. I'm trying, really, but the counter-arguments are so huge. I wish I'd never even existed, none of this is worth life.

[Foxhall]

Thank you for your reply. I bit the bullet and emailed my supervisor about our meeting on friday (kept putting this off) and have set my alarm clock from now to hopefully wake up early and go in where I'm expected. The bit you said about making a small effort to engage with and talk to others sounds like it can really help, I'm hoping to give it a try tomorrow.

good stuff,well done.

 

Good luck tomorrow, you are very capable and much better than you think.

Edited March 20, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
fixed spacing

[kore]

Been there, pinkpaw. I could have written your post.

 

One thing I’ve found helps is reading up on the subject. Googling keywords and terms like boundaries, toxic parents, toxic shame, family-of-origin issues and emotional abuse helped me. I found blogs and forums filled with people who’d gone through similar things, and also books on the subject. A few you might find helpful (if you don’t already know them) are:

 

Healing the Child Within by Charles Whitfield

Boundaries by Henry Cloud and John Townsend

Toxic Parents by Susan Forward

 

There are lots of others.

 

I don’t know the details of your story, but I do know that you have no reason to feel guilt or shame. Those feelings are the legacy of how you were treated. Abusers are very manipulative (sometimes in very subtle ways), and no normal, decent person - certainly not a child or young person - could counter their tactics.

 

That you have transformed your life and yourself is proof positive that you have stood up to them and won.

 

Do not let these sick and crazy people define your life any further.

 

You deserve huge credit for surviving them. I am in awe of your strength.

 

You have internalized a lot of poison. Take things slowly, one step at a time. With each step, you are confirming who you really are, not who they needed you to be.

 

Don’t hesitate to call the Samaritans or similar if you need immediate help.

 

It does get better. Trust me.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Have you joined any online groups for C-PTSD? My sister, a wife of someone with C-PTSD, has recently found great solace in an online Facebook group she found for spouses of C-PTSD sufferers. It has made so much stuff "make sense" for her. I'm sure they have similar groups for sufferers as well!

[pinkpaw]

{snip} It does get better. Trust me.

 

Wow, thank you. Every word of kindness and relating feels like an extra step towards validation which penetrated through the self-hatred.

 

I really appreciate that you put in the effort with the detail in this message and thank you for the resources, I haven't heard of any of them so I'm going to check them out.

'Take things slowly' - man, that's so soothing. I was driven to achieve, achieve, achieve and fix, fix, fix at lightning speed otherwise I am worthless - i feel like a child being soothed when I read a calming thing such as to take it slowly. 'Wounded inner child'?

 

Here's to another step living my truth. I absolutely refuse to believe or give in to the idea that its either dysfunction, or I will die, which my family love to condition each other into thinking. Temporary hell, I can live with. I'm determined to undo the toxic effects and shackle myself from the false reality imposed on me, or I'll die trying. Stubborn Taurus over here, I won't ever, ever give into manipulation and deception and live a life of a prisoner within invisible walls.

Edited March 20, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[pinkpaw]

Have you joined any online groups for C-PTSD?

 

I haven't no, but thanks for the suggestion, I'm willing to try anything at this point!!

Edited March 20, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[bathtub-row]

Pink, if you abused a small child, would any part of you criticize that child for their response to that abuse? You wouldn’t because you would know she was just a child who depends on adults to survive. I hope you can see that in yourself. That you were a little girl who was betrayed by the people you depended on, the people you should’ve been able to trust the most.

 

I’m sure that kind of thing really hurts and the first thing a person tends to do is blame themselves. It’s like a rape victim who questions every thing they did that brought on the rape. When the truth is, there is no excuse for rape and there’s no excuse to abuse a child. I hope you’ll be able to see that someday. You’re much more astounding than you know.

[pinkpaw]

Pink, if you abused a small child, would any part of you criticize that child for their response to that abuse? You wouldn’t because you would know she was just a child who depends on adults to survive. I hope you can see that in yourself. That you were a little girl who was betrayed by the people you depended on, the people you should’ve been able to trust the most.

 

I’m sure that kind of thing really hurts and the first thing a person tends to do is blame themselves. It’s like a rape victim who questions every thing they did that brought on the rape. When the truth is, there is no excuse for rape and there’s no excuse to abuse a child. I hope you’ll be able to see that someday. You’re much more astounding than you know.

 

Thank you.

I know, I wish I could see it more easily like that. I don't think that at all objectively about a child but i guess it is as someone stated here and which my psychotherapist says to me: I've internalised a lot of the poison.

 

I did go in today and kept repeating to myself the words of the poster above who said to go out and interact with others. I had a productive session with the team with which I was working, and got some work done and ticked off my list. It felt SO uncomfortable at first and I felt like a zombie and a fraud, and my head was still whirling with self-loathing thoughts. But...it eased up a bit, everyone was really nice to me and then a girl asked if I would step in and help out for an hour supervising younger students which I thought - why not? Might help me get immersed into a nicer reality than the reality my family created. And...well, it turned out okay. It was really hard at first but it got better. Plus, there was free pizza and cupcakes! Haha.

 

So....i dunno, I'm hoping that by continuing with normality in little steps like the above as well as making room for processing and learning to 'deal' with the c-ptsd, things will get better?

[kore]

Yess, pinkpaw! This is fabulous. So impressed with you. The going got tough, and you took positive action. I know how hard that can be.

 

You even reached out and helped others. If you can do that, at your lowest point, you can do anything.

 

Sending hugs and healing energy your way.

[pinkpaw]

Yess, pinkpaw! This is fabulous. So impressed with you. The going got tough, and you took positive action. I know how hard that can be.

 

You even reached out and helped others. If you can do that, at your lowest point, you can do anything.

 

Sending hugs and healing energy your way.

 

I want to give up and go home.

This is too much despair. It goes round and round and round in my head that maybe I'm creating all this problematic mental health for myself by deciding to try to 'heal'. I know they created the issues in the first place, but their 'system' of doing things is too strong. Its built into the whole family unit and embedded within the culture. Heck, right now, who even is 'normal' anymore?

The dysfunctional system at home is rock-solid. My mum has made sure of that. There is no deviating from it. Everyone's will has been broken and she has two members of the family who she has completely stripped of any identity who are her very loyal servants.

 

I can't get my head around it, its too much. What's true, what's reality, what's acceptable, what isn't? I used to have answers to all of those questions but repetitive invalidation and ostracisation has obliterated all of that. Its making me question whether I have a personality disorder myself, I'd be absolutely horrified if somehow, I have developed borderline personality disorder. I mean, I certainly can't regulate my own emotions right now. I've asked multiple people including my counsellor if I have it and they reassured me that they didn't think that but....how much of this is a response to a situation, and part of the 'processing' and how much is to be accepted as the 'new me'? I don't fear abandonment or care about attention but I feel anxious, miserable and like there is something severely wrong with me for having my own ideas about what is right and wrong.

 

I'm sorry for the outpouring and if it makes no sense, I've had a rough couple of days with my first job offer suddenly changing location options half a day before the deadline for submitting your location preferences and they did not even bother to let me know - I found out through social media when somebody also due to start working for the same organisation noticed the error and notified everyone. It sent me spiralling and I'm a complete mess. I'm due to move cities in 3 months and was already absolutely terrified before they made this error and removed my top location preferences. I'm not sure how I will be able to hold down a job at all but what other option do I have? I can't take a year out and go home (i'll come out of it worse off if i end up at my mum's), and i refuse to live off state hand-outs where the money is so little here, that you will likely end up in the roughest neighbourhoods which in this city, are notorious for being very unsafe places to live and besides, what would I do all day?

 

[kore]

Given what you've been through, pinkpaw, it would be surprising if you didn't have some kind of bad reaction to unexpected change.

 

Coping with everyday things like jobs and housing is tough at the best of times. When dealing with trauma, it's even harder.

 

It sounds like you have a healthy sense of self-awareness. Unfortunately, with this self-awareness comes a lot of pain.

 

But out of pain comes healing.

 

...I feel anxious, miserable and like there is something severely wrong with me for having my own ideas about what is right and wrong.

 

I'm not surprised - the feelings you describe are characteristic of those who have endured emotional abuse. You start to question yourself. Doubt your own moral compass - even your own sanity.

 

Abusers do not like you to have your own ideas. They do not want you to have a mind of your own.

 

Are you familiar with "gaslighting"? If not, you might want to look it up. It's a technique used by abusers to undermine your confidence.

 

Are you still in touch with your mother? Your family, generally?

[pinkpaw]

Are you familiar with "gaslighting"? If not, you might want to look it up. It's a technique used by abusers to undermine your confidence.

Are you still in touch with your mother? Your family, generally?

 

I am familiar with that term unfortunately I have read up on it and my therapist mentioned it to me when I told her of the exasperating way in which communication occurs in the family.

I'm not in touch with my family at all.

I cut them all out for my own sanity. Although now it doesn't feel like its saved my sanity but made it much worse. The truth seems intolerable!! I am so terrified, now I know why I chose to live in fantasy world as a child, to block out all these horrible truths which I've faced now and it has put the fear of god into me.

I don't feel equipped to deal with this, I feel like I am dying and drowning and somehow still surviving through each day?

I just wish someone can promise it gets better.

I talk to a friend about it and he's lovely but the truth of the matter is, well-intentioned people who suggest talking to friends are deluded as to the reality of this. Hardly anyone know what to say when you start talking about your family as being a problem. And even less people know about things like emotional abuse and look at you as though they think you are just overthinking things.

 

I hope to god it gets better. I saw the documentary 'dirty john' on netflix and some of his behaviours and attitudes towards people reminded me of some family members and sent me spiralling.

Edited April 9, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[kore]

It’s good that you’re not in touch with your family. You’ve distanced yourself from the crazy. Well done.

 

Now, of course, you’re having to deal with the reality of what you’ve been through. That’s tough, and I’m not surprised you feel overwhelmed.

 

Nothing equips you to deal with this, because it’s not normal. There is no rational response to toxic behavior, except to get away from it.

 

Trying to talk to other people about it - even some therapists - can be frustrating.

 

I think it’s one of those things a person is unlikely to understand, unless they’ve been through it.

 

But I can say that, as one who’s been through it, it does get better.

 

One thing I’ve found helpful is to write a leter to whoever’s abused you. Not to send, necessarily, but as a kind of therapy.

 

Writing the letter can be ongoing. When you feel distress, add a line.

 

I’ve found it empowering. It helps me to articulate my thoughts, and functions as a record. It’s kind of like confronting them, but not in person.

 

Keep trying to take positive steps, of any type. Mental. Physical.

 

Take one. Then another.

 

Every step you take will help to put the past into perspective. Feed the positive, and the negative will shrink.

[pinkpaw]

 

Your replies are extremely helpful and soothing. Thank you.

 

It is massively overwhelming and yep, trying to talk about it to others is very frustrating. I'm lucky I have a very understanding and kind boyfriend and friend who don't mind listening, god knows where I'd be without them.

I've come to the realisation that there is simply no running/magical solution to the pain. Maybe I am right or maybe I am wrong, but my instincts are saying that the only way is through. To feel the pain, to address every unrecognised wound and process it, sit with it.

I've tried the detours, the distractions, the CBT, the self-medication, the completely forging a new life and 'discarding' of the old and throughout all of this, what I realised is, you cannot simply escape or ignore your truth. Emotional wounds are no different to physical wounds. They need tending to in an appropriate way in order to heal. Even small scratches need appropriate tending to - for example, by not being picked at, or caked in dirt, and an appropriately functioning immune system.

 

I've just resigned myself now that I will have to face this pain if I ever want real, lasting relief. I've been sitting with and processing the most uncomfortable, painful memories.

Today I was paralysed by some from 10 years ago. I wanted to do anything but go back there, mentally. I had a bath, cleaned, sorted out 'life' admin and still they were there, in this awful, urgent manner. My friend insisted i talk about them in detail and I did. I think there was a release. I feel pretty exhausted for having relived it so can't tell yet what the pay off is, but they are not bothering me as they were earlier.

 

I like your idea of addressing abusers through writing letters. I've been journalling like mad the past few months, and think this could be the possible next step.

 

Do you have any other coping mechanisms that help you?

Edited April 9, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[kore]

 

Emotional wounds are no different to physical wounds. They need tending to in an appropriate way in order to heal. Even small scratches need appropriate tending to - for example, by not being picked at, or caked in dirt, and an appropriately functioning immune system.

 

So wise, and so well-put.

[kore]

 

Do you have any other coping mechanisms that help you?

 

A coping mechanism I've found effective is to credit myself with the steps I've taken to address the situation and resolve the pain.

 

It's very easy to discount these steps, if you've been subjected to abuse, as the abuse itself may have chipped away at your self-esteem.

 

But you've walked away from a bad situation. Built a new life. Reached out to help others. And I've no doubt so much more.

 

Credit yourself with having written about it - in your journals, and here. To write of an experience is challenging at the best of times, but if the experience was of trauma, it takes particular courage.

 

What you write will help others.

 

Credit yourself with having stood up to tyranny.

 

Make a habit of noting how far you've come.

[pinkpaw]

A coping mechanism I've found effective is to credit myself with the steps I've taken to address the situation and resolve the pain.

 

It's very easy to discount these steps, if you've been subjected to abuse, as the abuse itself may have chipped away at your self-esteem.

 

But you've walked away from a bad situation. Built a new life. Reached out to help others. And I've no doubt so much more.

 

Credit yourself with having written about it - in your journals, and here. To write of an experience is challenging at the best of times, but if the experience was of trauma, it takes particular courage.

 

What you write will help others.

 

Credit yourself with having stood up to tyranny.

 

Make a habit of noting how far you've come.

 

when its put like that, its kind of inspiring to continue.

Do you ever have or had some scary self-defeating thoughts when you start doing well/progressing?

Like I have this tiny gremlin like voice in my head that seems to want to remind me...hang on, you can't heal too much - there was a LOT of abuse of different kinds that I experienced and people like me are 'damaged' - they're your alcoholics and homeless people, not...successful, happy, balanced people?

Like I can't reconcile the horrific past with this idea of a stable and balanced state of mind, even when I start feeling more stable.

 

The human mind can be the hardest thing to defeat!

[bathtub-row]

Go watch some YouTube or Gaia videos with Dr Joe Dispenza - preferably his lectures opposed to interviews because his lectures are more in-depth. He’s brilliant about mind stuff and has broken ground in the past 15 years. His best lecture is about breaking the habit of being yourself - it’s about 1.5 hrs. Not sure if the whole thing is on YouTube or not. Very inspiring and life changing.

[JulieDtd]

The human mind is indeed the hardest to defeat!

 

You sound like you're in so much pain. I'm glad you reached out to others. I'm so sorry you had so much pain, it sounds horrible to have to deal with these things.

 

I think you are really courageous and resilient to be working on yourself and holding onto hope.

 

Perhaps loving kindness meditation or self-compassion meditations would help? I've heard so much good about them and I personally find meditation and mindfulness really helpful.

 

I've heard often that people who think about death want the pain to end, not their lives to end. And I truly believe that the pain will end, things will get better.

 

Stay strong. You are loved.