My boyfriends ''ex'' (?) crush/friend. How to deal with it?

[Mr. Lucky]

And that's the worst of it. As I have seen him in completely different light and now I don't know what to think anymore.

 

What_to_Do87, just my opinion as always, but you're your own worst enemy.

 

You've taken something that happened before he met you - WHICH YOU FOUND BY SNOOPING IN HIS OLD TEXTS - and seem determined to breathe life into it. And you're compounding this misdemeanor by committing the relationship felony of trying to set him up in some half-baked sting operation so you can catch him in a "lie". Really, this is how you want to act in a new relationship with someone who's treated you well ?

 

Almost seems you can't stand prosperity. At least to me, seems a self-destructive - and self-fulfilling - approach ...

 

Mr. Lucky

[What_to_Do87]

I know..I think I just can't stand the thought of being hurt and lied to again. I know you probably can't understand it - but it happened to me basically with every men I was with. And NO, I did not snoop around on them to find anything. I trusted actually. There were times when I did. But when 4 people you trust f**ck you over no matter what you do and how good things go, then you just lose hope I guess. and it always hit me so unexpectedly, I was not prepared and now I just totally broke and did this.

[Mr. Lucky]

But when 4 people you trust f**ck you over no matter what you do and how good things go, then you just lose hope I guess. and it always hit me so unexpectedly, I was not prepared and now I just totally broke and did this.

 

I'm not suggesting you were at fault in the demise of those relationships. But I am offering that you could have a hand in the success or failure of this one. If I flip a coin four times in a row and it comes up "tails" each time, hope you know what effect that has on the outcome of the fifth toss.

 

As has been said before, you have some choices to make...

 

Mr. Lucky

[JuneL]

I know..I think I just can't stand the thought of being hurt and lied to again. I know you probably can't understand it - but it happened to me basically with every men I was with. And NO, I did not snoop around on them to find anything. I trusted actually. There were times when I did. But when 4 people you trust f**ck you over no matter what you do and how good things go, then you just lose hope I guess. and it always hit me so unexpectedly, I was not prepared and now I just totally broke and did this.

 

Are you doubting your picker of the men you date? Does your bf have decent social skills and decent looks? Or worse, is he charming to women? I hate to say this, but I’ve noticed that male doctors are very overrated in the dating market in the US. Unless he’s socially awkward or bad looking, he can easily attract female nurses and patients. If he doesn’t have good boundaries, there can be potentially many such heavily flirting relationships going on.

[elaine567]

I hate to say this, but I’ve noticed that male doctors are very overrated in the dating market in the US. Unless he’s socially awkward or bad looking, he can easily attract female nurses and patients. If he doesn’t have good boundaries, there can be potentially many such heavily flirting relationships going on.

It is not only nurses, it is female doctors, medical students, physios, occupational therapists, dieticians, pharmacists and all the other ancillary services that are mainly populated by women.

He shouldn't really be targeting patients for relationships, though...

[JuneL]

It is not only nurses, it is female doctors, medical students, physios, occupational therapists, dieticians, pharmacists and all the other ancillary services that are mainly populated by women.

He shouldn't really be targeting patients for relationships, though...

 

I think you need to call up the hospital for the whole job list there

 

Joking aside, I was talking about a heavily flirty relationship (not a real romantic relationship). I had an attractive charming male doctor who would flirt with me like crazy, but never did ask me out

Not sure if that doctor had a girlfriend then, but I sure didn’t envy her.

Edited March 21, 2019 by JuneL

[d0nnivain]

I know..I think I just can't stand the thought of being hurt and lied to again. I know you probably can't understand it - but it happened to me basically with every men I was with. And NO, I did not snoop around on them to find anything. I trusted actually. There were times when I did. But when 4 people you trust f**ck you over no matter what you do and how good things go, then you just lose hope I guess. and it always hit me so unexpectedly, I was not prepared and now I just totally broke and did this.

 

 

These past awful things are now harming your present. Just because they cheated doesn't mean he will. That said, there does seem to be a pattern. Do you have a handle on why you pick men lacking in integrity? Were there any other signs in those relationships? Other than this conversation is there anything else about this brand new relationship that seems off? You don't have to answer me in a public but you need to have a handle on this

 

Given how upset you are as much as I think confessing will cause him to dump you, maybe it is better to get your fears out in the open sooner rather than later. Tell him what you did; apologize for snooping; explain why you did it (fear from past bad experiences) & then talk with him about friendships & boundaries. Perhaps ask to meet this woman so you can eyeball her for yourself. In part it's about the Art of War; keep your friends close but your enemies closer.

[preraph]

Sounds like HE is the one carrying the torch for her. Sounds like she likes the attention and has probably kept him as a friend, and hence, she sends him photos of her bf; but she also sends him sexy stuff, so she likes the attention, which means something could happen in the right circumstance, and I am willing to bet that he would shove you right out of the way if he thought he had a chance at her.

 

Sorry to deliver the bad news. If she was repulsed by him, she wouldn't send sexy photos. I kind of think they have not slept together, but who knows. I think he's always wanted to and still does.

 

Also, the truth is most men don't want to be "just friends" with women. It occasionally happens, but he's going out of his way to keep up with this one, so I think he wants her.

[Mr. Lucky]

I am willing to bet that he would shove you right out of the way if he thought he had a chance at her.

 

A reach and a half, not supported by the OP's posts.

 

he's going out of his way to keep up with this one, so I think he wants her.

 

Here's what the OP said:

 

Now since he met me, I have seen he did not contacted her, but she txted him for Christmas saying ''merry Christmas to my ex-work husband'' to which he responded ''ex??'' and wished her also merry Christmas. She said she misses him and he responded that he misses her too. Then couple of days later she again txted him asking when he will be around, he said he doesn't know and that she could visit him too. She did not respond to that. This was when we known each other for 2 weeks. Since then no conversations, month and half later she again txted him ''hey stranger, do we know each other?'' At that time we were on vacation together and that was the time when we both realized that we love each other and also told that to each other for the first time. He responded to her with a picture of the location where we were with ''greetings from xxx''. She responded to him ''ohhh and without me?'' which he did not really comment on and when she asked how he was doing he jokingly said that not so good because the vacation is almost over and tomorrow we are flying back''. After that no more conversation. It has been a month since then..

 

Don't let the facts get in your way...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Curiousroxy86]

I don't think you should ignore this sh*t. I don't think any boyfriend or girlfriend should tolerate "work wives/husbands". The comment from HIM that makes me feel like he MAY not be innocent in the future is

 

"Now since he met me, I have seen he did not contacted her, but she txted him for Christmas saying ''merry Christmas to my ex-work husband'' to which he responded ''ex??''

 

And also he had this type of communication while with his last ex.

 

Now I believe you said y'all only knew each other for two weeks so I personally wouldn't be like DUMP HIM for that one. And because he did with the last girl I haven't yet came to the decision if I would hold a guy against what he has done before me. But that would make me keep my eyes on this.

 

I personally wouldn't stop snooping. Yep I effing said it. If a guy gives me a reason to snoop I'm going to do it and if I was in your shoes I wouldn't stop keeping my eyes off how he interacts with this girl. I wouldn't say sh*t about it either. Keep enjoying each other. But as soon as he step out of line with this girl that's verifiable then I would leave.

 

Only reason I wouldn't be so quick to leave based on your post is because honestly this one statement that made me said wtf is the only statement I saw that would make me question how trustworthy he is and the fact y'all was only talking for two weeks and when y'all got serious he didn't seem to entertain the girl.

 

So enjoy your doctor boyfriend but don't ignore how he interacts with his little female friends.

 

Personally I wouldn't tolerate a man who have a harem of female friends or a work spouse mentality if your the type of woman who value monogamy and not getting cheated on. But since there is no veritable evidence that this boyfriend cheated yet you can hold on to him if you want but don't turn a blind naive eye either.

[bmh]

I work in the medical field. Yes, our relationships with our co-workers go beyond the norm. My “work husband” and I do speak outside of work. We buy each other birthday/Christmas gifts. Nothing major or inappropriate. I’ve never actually met his wife. But I do know that she knows of our friendship. She helped him pick out a gift one year! She refers to me as his “work wife” but I can tell you with 100% certainty that our relationship has never ever included flirting, sexual innuendos or selfies. Not ever. Over years. But I guess that’s just us.

[JuneL]

I work in the medical field. Yes, our relationships with our co-workers go beyond the norm. My “work husband” and I do speak outside of work. We buy each other birthday/Christmas gifts. Nothing major or inappropriate. I’ve never actually met his wife. But I do know that she knows of our friendship. She helped him pick out a gift one year! She refers to me as his “work wife” but I can tell you with 100% certainty that our relationship has never ever included flirting, sexual innuendos or selfies. Not ever. Over years. But I guess that’s just us.

 

And I bet you don’t call each other honey, dear or sweetie, either?

[darkmoon]

a doctor will not fool around, s/he will be a hygiene-freak

 

 

I can see innuendo, but actually going for it is another thing

[preraph]

 

Don't let the facts get in your way...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Nor yours. She sends him sexy selfies and their conversations have sexual innuendo.

Edited March 24, 2019 by preraph

[bmh]

And I bet you don’t call each other honey, dear or sweetie, either?

 

Sure don’t!