Kids and divorce-semi survey..

[Tess]

I would greatly benefit if people who have been through divorce ( or a non married parental couple separation) would lend me your insights and experiences

 

1) If you divorced,and had kids,too,how old were the kids?

 

2) If you divorced when they were young,(still living in your home),how did that work and do you have any regrets?

 

3) If you divorced after they were out of home,are you glad that you stayed together for that family time or do you feel that the kids would have been ok with an earlier separation and all your work on the relationship during their unbringing was for naught?

 

Sometimes I wonder about this idea of "staying together for the kids sake" thing..wonder what it teaches them about love and intimacy or the lack thereof of intimacy.Thank all!!!

 

from someone who's staying together largely " for the kids sake" in a relationship which is like a friendship only,with enough respect to justify staying,just a lack of closeness,different paths we see to be on ..( kids here are 3 and 5!)

[Tony T]

My regrets for being unqualified to participate in your survey.

 

YOU WRITE: "Sometimes I wonder about this idea of "staying together for the kids sake" thing..wonder what it teaches them about love and intimacy or the lack thereof of intimacy."

 

Studies have found that children are extremely sensitive and perceptive about matters such as this. They are very aware that parents are staying together only for their sake and it really doesn't give them all that more security than if they were living with one parent who was happy with his/her life.

 

YOU ALSO WRITE: "from someone who's staying together largely " for the kids sake" in a relationship which is like a friendship only,with enough respect to justify staying,just a lack of closeness,different paths we see to be on ..( kids here are 3 and 5!)"

 

Well, at least there's respect. But I find it very sad and greatly tragic that you would have to remain in an unfulfilling relationship for another 10 to 20 years for the sake of your children.

 

There are some people who would be OK in this situation because their personalities are well suited to it. They have low expectations and they are happy with themselves and able to adapt comfortably to any situation that befalls them.

 

However, if you are simply unhappy or leaning towards depression because your expectations of marriage and parenthood are far less than you had anticipated, both you and your children would be well served by a nice, sweet, friendly parting with husband and daddy.

 

You sound fairly OK with this now but I think as time goes on, you could build up a great resentment about being locked in this family situation. The fact that you posted this is an indication.

 

With counselling, the children can know that a separation is not their fault and future problems conerning abandonment can be foiled if dad visits often and has plenty of interaction with them.

 

You only have one life to live and I'm sure your children will be much happier if YOU are much happier.

 

I'm not a proponent of divorce by any means but staying in an empty relationship, barely a buddyship, when you sought so much more from a marriage is not making anyone's life the better.

 

I would recommend you talking to a family therapist or counsellor. Who knows, maybe there's some things you can do to spiff up your marriage. If not, an orderly transition of the family structure can be orchestrated so your life will be better and the children will not be greatly affected...but actually be better of in the long run.

 

You can absolutely bet they will remember the dynamics of what's going on when they start looking for a marriage partner. Hopefully, they won't repeat your pattern.

[catt]

Being a child from a family who "stayed together for the kids," I'll share with you what I have learned from growing up in a home where there was more tension and hatred than love.

 

I spent most of my childhood thinking, as children do, that it was my fault that my parents did not get along. What was worse than that was growing up and learning that my parents opted for a loveless marriage just FOR me. They spent years suffering to keep me happy??? Which, of course, did not happen. Instead, I learned how not to communicate, how to suppress feelings and emotions and then let them boil over, how to play one parent against the other (there was nothing better than that game. I learned quickly that if mommy said no, daddy would be very eager to say yes just to piss mommy off. And the best part was, I would always get my way.)

 

There was always the fear that they would split up at any given moment. Also, each parent used me as a pawn in their game - a whole lot of unconscious brainwashing went on. Though they never set out to do it intentionally, they were both so unhappy that there would always be little jabs about the other parent. You can imagine what that did to my impressionable mind.

 

As an adult, I now realize that my parents tried to do the best for me. What they have never realized (and I haven't had the heart to tell them) was that all they managed to do was set an example of what NOT to do to your children if you are unhappy in your marriage. I know I would benefit greatly from therapy because of what I witnessed as a child but I'm afraid to even think about opening up that can of worms. There is sooooo much about my childhood that I'd much rather forget.

 

I have problems in my relationships today. Any strife in a relationship and I have the compulsive need to fix it immediately, which often doesn't work and only worsens the problem. I can not create boundaries in any relationship so it's a constant roller coaster ride for me - either really high or really low. I know that I subconsciously choose men who do not possess the ability to communicate so that I can try to "fix" them in a way that I couldn't do for my parents.

 

I have to say that this is nothing but a lose-lose situation. No one benefits - neither the children nor the parents. If I knew then what I know now, I would have begged my parents (who are fabulous people seperately but just do not mesh) to have gotten a divorce. At least then they would have had a chance at finding the happiness they each deserved with other people.

 

I look at them now, bitter and angry having lived the better part of 30 some odd years in a loveless marriage, and I feel sorry for them. Sorry that they have forgotten what it feels like to be loved and to love someone back, sorry that they may never have that feeling again, sorry that they have lived only for their children and really did the best they could but have unwittingly left wounds that may never fully heal.

 

I apologize for the long-windedness of this reply. Your post really touched a nerve. I do wish you the emotional strength to make the right decision for all of you. Best of luck.

[catt]

My regrets for being unqualified to participate in your survey. YOU WRITE: "Sometimes I wonder about this idea of "staying together for the kids sake" thing..wonder what it teaches them about love and intimacy or the lack thereof of intimacy." Studies have found that children are extremely sensitive and perceptive about matters such as this. They are very aware that parents are staying together only for their sake and it really doesn't give them all that more security than if they were living with one parent who was happy with his/her life. YOU ALSO WRITE: "from someone who's staying together largely " for the kids sake" in a relationship which is like a friendship only,with enough respect to justify staying,just a lack of closeness,different paths we see to be on ..( kids here are 3 and 5!)" Well, at least there's respect. But I find it very sad and greatly tragic that you would have to remain in an unfulfilling relationship for another 10 to 20 years for the sake of your children. There are some people who would be OK in this situation because their personalities are well suited to it. They have low expectations and they are happy with themselves and able to adapt comfortably to any situation that befalls them. However, if you are simply unhappy or leaning towards depression because your expectations of marriage and parenthood are far less than you had anticipated, both you and your children would be well served by a nice, sweet, friendly parting with husband and daddy. You sound fairly OK with this now but I think as time goes on, you could build up a great resentment about being locked in this family situation. The fact that you posted this is an indication. With counselling, the children can know that a separation is not their fault and future problems conerning abandonment can be foiled if dad visits often and has plenty of interaction with them.

 

You only have one life to live and I'm sure your children will be much happier if YOU are much happier. I'm not a proponent of divorce by any means but staying in an empty relationship, barely a buddyship, when you sought so much more from a marriage is not making anyone's life the better.

 

I would recommend you talking to a family therapist or counsellor. Who knows, maybe there's some things you can do to spiff up your marriage. If not, an orderly transition of the family structure can be orchestrated so your life will be better and the children will not be greatly affected...but actually be better of in the long run. You can absolutely bet they will remember the dynamics of what's going on when they start looking for a marriage partner. Hopefully, they won't repeat your pattern.

[Tony T]

Your post above was intensely enlightening to me. Not many could compete with your first hand experience in giving advice in this situation.

 

I have to think you must have some pretty fierce anger and resentment for being thrust into this mindset that has so seriously affected you in your adult life. It seems your parents efforts to "stay together for the sake of the children" had more of a negative effect.

 

(It really pisses me off when parents say "Well, I did the best I could at the time" while their grown children stand in front of them with problems out the ear as a result of their "best efforts.")

 

You said so eloquently basically what I wanted to say in my post.

 

Many thanks. I am sorry you had to go through all this.

[catt]

Your post above was intensely enlightening to me. Not many could compete with your first hand experience in giving advice in this situation.

 

I have to think you must have some pretty fierce anger and resentment for being thrust into this mindset that has so seriously affected you in your adult life. It seems your parents efforts to "stay together for the sake of the children" had more of a negative effect. (It really pisses me off when parents say "Well, I did the best I could at the time" while their grown children stand in front of them with problems out the ear as a result of their "best efforts.") You said so eloquently basically what I wanted to say in my post. Many thanks. I am sorry you had to go through all this.

[WGirl]

I have never been married but I will give you my opinion based on my parents marriage. My parents had a bad marriage, they fought constantly. It was messy for years. They separated a few times for different lengths of time. When they got back together, it would be alright for a while and then the same %^&* would start again. Part of their excuse for staying together was because of me. I think all of us would have been better off if they separated when they started having severe problems. The marriage was bad for a good ten years from my recollection. I don't think it was healthy for me or them. I picked up negative messages about marriage and intimacy. So by staying together, you may not be helping your children.

I would greatly benefit if people who have been through divorce ( or a non married parental couple separation) would lend me your insights and experiences 1) If you divorced,and had kids,too,how old were the kids? 2) If you divorced when they were young,(still living in your home),how did that work and do you have any regrets? 3) If you divorced after they were out of home,are you glad that you stayed together for that family time or do you feel that the kids would have been ok with an earlier separation and all your work on the relationship during their unbringing was for naught? Sometimes I wonder about this idea of "staying together for the kids sake" thing..wonder what it teaches them about love and intimacy or the lack thereof of intimacy.Thank all!!! from someone who's staying together largely " for the kids sake" in a relationship which is like a friendship only,with enough respect to justify staying,just a lack of closeness,different paths we see to be on ..( kids here are 3 and 5!)

[WGirl]

I am all too familiar with the games. I always felt like I was in the middle between my parents too. I still do and I am in my twenties. I told them a while ago that I didn't want to play that game anymore but it still happened sometimes up until about a year ago and that is because I haven't had contact with my dad. My father would tell me things and tell me not to tell my mother. My mother would do the same thing. I would be keeping secrets from both of them. I felt guilty about it because they were things that they should have been telling each other. It was like so screwed up. Even as a kid I knew it was screwed up. I was like their venting board. Sometimes I would be the target of anger or blame for problems in their marriage. I think I have problems in some of my relationships partly due to what went on when I was younger.

 

It escalated until they finally broke up when I was a legal adult of 18. The dinner dishes would go flying. The screaming matches went on for hours sometimes. One time right before they broke up, I walked out into the living room to find their hands around each others necks. I thought one would kill the other for sure. I had the phone in hand ready to call the cops. It wasn't until then that they stopped. Each one said the other started it. Now that's some crazy #$%^.

Being a child from a family who "stayed together for the kids," I'll share with you what I have learned from growing up in a home where there was more tension and hatred than love.

 

I spent most of my childhood thinking, as children do, that it was my fault that my parents did not get along. What was worse than that was growing up and learning that my parents opted for a loveless marriage just FOR me. They spent years suffering to keep me happy??? Which, of course, did not happen. Instead, I learned how not to communicate, how to suppress feelings and emotions and then let them boil over, how to play one parent against the other (there was nothing better than that game. I learned quickly that if mommy said no, daddy would be very eager to say yes just to piss mommy off. And the best part was, I would always get my way.) There was always the fear that they would split up at any given moment. Also, each parent used me as a pawn in their game - a whole lot of unconscious brainwashing went on. Though they never set out to do it intentionally, they were both so unhappy that there would always be little jabs about the other parent. You can imagine what that did to my impressionable mind. As an adult, I now realize that my parents tried to do the best for me. What they have never realized (and I haven't had the heart to tell them) was that all they managed to do was set an example of what NOT to do to your children if you are unhappy in your marriage. I know I would benefit greatly from therapy because of what I witnessed as a child but I'm afraid to even think about opening up that can of worms. There is sooooo much about my childhood that I'd much rather forget. I have problems in my relationships today. Any strife in a relationship and I have the compulsive need to fix it immediately, which often doesn't work and only worsens the problem. I can not create boundaries in any relationship so it's a constant roller coaster ride for me - either really high or really low. I know that I subconsciously choose men who do not possess the ability to communicate so that I can try to "fix" them in a way that I couldn't do for my parents. I have to say that this is nothing but a lose-lose situation. No one benefits - neither the children nor the parents. If I knew then what I know now, I would have begged my parents (who are fabulous people seperately but just do not mesh) to have gotten a divorce. At least then they would have had a chance at finding the happiness they each deserved with other people. I look at them now, bitter and angry having lived the better part of 30 some odd years in a loveless marriage, and I feel sorry for them. Sorry that they have forgotten what it feels like to be loved and to love someone back, sorry that they may never have that feeling again, sorry that they have lived only for their children and really did the best they could but have unwittingly left wounds that may never fully heal. I apologize for the long-windedness of this reply. Your post really touched a nerve. I do wish you the emotional strength to make the right decision for all of you. Best of luck.