Ex Will Not Return Keys

[canadianheart]

Hi All,

 

I recently went through the ending of a relationship. It ended sadly, but on good terms. All in all, my ex is not wanting to marry or co-habitate at any time, now or in his future. After months and months of chasing me though I was very reluctant, we dated for the better part of a year and he was the one to end it saying he knew he couldn't commit to what I needed in life. I was very sad and at the time begged him to reconsider (no outright pleading and did not plead afterwards). He did say he needed space but could not promise anything. The evening it ended, I asked him to leave my house keys on the counter, and he said he would as he left. I did not check, and surely he did not. I have made a few attempts at contact, all have been ignored. Additionally, I have asked a mutual contact to collect my keys and she has not heard back about it.

 

Speaking to my landlord, the cost to re-key the condo entrances and my door will be quite high. For me, keys were a step I felt anxious about taking as it symbolized access to my home that I proudly built up myself after a divorce. He really encouraged me to provide him keys as I travel frequently and he wanted to take care of my home while I'm away. For me, this was a big step, and the keys being in his hands frustrates me. I do not feel unsafe with him having them, but moreover very disrespected at how this is handled. He knew I felt the keys were a big step.

 

Some have said hes not ready to let go, however, hes also not responding to me. Can someone please help me pick this apart?

[Orokotikki]

Call a locksmith or change the locks yourself. Doesn't matter if he returns the keys. They could have had them copied anyway. Chalk it up as a loss and learn from it.

[preraph]

He's just being a sullen jerk. But you have GOT to get your locks rekeyed. Call a locksmith and you'll need copies for the landlord. The landlord may be able to do it cheaper, but compare so you know the landlord isn't taking advantage too.

[canadianheart]

He's just being a sullen jerk. But you have GOT to get your locks rekeyed. Call a locksmith and you'll need copies for the landlord. The landlord may be able to do it cheaper, but compare so you know the landlord isn't taking advantage too.

 

So annoyed. As I live in a multi unit condo building, I have to pay to re-key the two main entrances and provide all 32 residents with the new keys. So many sighs.

[preraph]

That's still only two lock changes and keys themselves only cost about $ each and you might find a deal somewhere. It's a civil matter, so calling the police won't help -- unless he shows up there uninvited and lets himself into the complex. If you should see that, take a photo and call police. You can take him to small claims court for the money, which is a hassle. He'd have to pay for not only the locks but the small claims court fees. It's a pain though. I'd just get the locks change and bite the bullet. But you could also try getting an attorney to do nothing more than write a letter (it will still cost, though and you'd have to tell them that's all you want them to do) and ask him for the key, telling him he only has 7 days to return it and see if he can be intimidated.

 

Do his parents live anywhere around? You could contact his mom and dad and see if they'd help get it back.

[basil67]

Do his parents live anywhere around? You could contact his mom and dad and see if they'd help get it back.

 

I second this idea. If you don't know his parents, call his best mate. Nothing like escalating a problem to get it fixed.

[preraph]

Yeah, tell his mommy. I one time got a girl to pay for the car wreck she caused by calling her granny!

[basil67]

Yeah, tell his mommy. I one time got a girl to pay for the car wreck she caused by calling her granny!

 

My daughter organised a group holiday and one guy hadn't paid months after the vacation despite reminders. She finally got her money by calling his father. Father was mortified and paid up instantly and then sorted it out with his son.

[Normm]

Not clear about your question.

 

 

Are you wondering about his motives and if he might want to reconcile or are you pissed off that you gotta pay to rekey the locks?

 

 

If it's the former, only time will tell.

 

 

If it's the latter, don't bother rekeying the main entrance to the building, just change your own door locks. That's all you really need.

[stillafool]

I would pay to have the locks changed. As someone said he could have made copies. I wouldn't want those keys back.

[assertives]

Don't bother with the main entrance, just pay to rekey the lock to your own apartment and let the landlord have a copy.

[amaysngrace]

Getting keys back won’t help because he can make duplicates before he returns them. Changing the lock to your home will still allow him access into the community that you live in and can put others at risk once he finds you’ve changed your home lock.

 

Just pay it and consider it the price owed for making a poor decision.

[stillafool]

Also OP he is ready to let go that is why he never responded to you and your friend about giving the keys back. He's moved on and doesn't want to be bothered. Yes change the locks.

[d0nnivain]

You said you made a few attempts at contact & asked a mutual friend to help. Have you actually gone over to where he is, knocked on the door & demanded to get the keys back? If you really don't want to pay all the money to change the locks, try that but do remember what others have said: he could very easily have already made copies. It sounds like paying to change the locks affords you the greatest peace of mind.

[Art_Critic]

I wouldn't rekey the main entrance as that would entail advertising your breakup to your neighbors and who needs that shiot..

 

It also would be more of a burden on them than you realize.. they might have to have more copies made as they made copies and gave them to family or house keepers and the like..

 

I would rekey your place of residence, it would provide immediate feelings of safety.

If he uses your key and does something he shouldn't then let him be accountable for that, he would be breaking the law BTW, just because someone has a key doesn't mean they are legally allowed to use it and since you have broken up and asked for it back that alone would make him a criminal if he uses it.

 

If you really don't or can't afford to rekey anything then you need to get friends and or family to show up and get it from him..

There is no reason he would keep it and causing a scene would work.

[Cersei]

Do you have a key to his place?

 

What if you went to his work and got them? I don't know if this is a good idea or not but I would be very pissed if he didn't return them. I would hope he would have to act like a man at his place of employment.

[Art_Critic]

I have heard of police departments also helping in cases like this, a well placed phone call from the police might also get the keys returned.

It isn't something they will all do but the right person at the right time kinda thing...

[BaileyB]

I would never trust that he hasn’t made copies if the keys are returned.

 

Having lived in a similar condo, I would change the locks for my individual condo and put a deadbolt on the door for good measure (if you don’t have one already).

 

If he happened to come and let himself into the building with the keys to the entrance, I would call the police.

[canadianheart]

I would never trust that he hasn’t made copies if the keys are returned.

 

Having lived in a similar condo, I would change the locks for my individual condo and put a deadbolt on the door for good measure (if you don’t have one already).

 

Thanks! Its a rental so sadly, the landlords must have access and I have called them and paid their $400 fee. Big time bummer.

 

He also won't give back the belongings I left at his house. When I want something to be over, I give them zero reasons to contact me ever. Ever.

Edited March 7, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[canadianheart]

Do you have a key to his place?

 

What if you went to his work and got them? I don't know if this is a good idea or not but I would be very pissed if he didn't return them. I would hope he would have to act like a man at his place of employment.

 

Yes I do!! And he hasn't asked for it back!

[canadianheart]

Thanks all for the advice. Its worth noting that I have access to his home as well and have asked to meet in a public place to return each others belongings and its being left up in the air. I hate the feeling like its still an open door and though I keep trying to move past it, a huge piece of me is dwelling on it.

 

Break ups suck.

 

Additionally- for the people telling me to learn from my mistake, I don't consider that this was a mistake. We were two adults in a happy relationship and when things are happy, you go with it? Lets not be so judgmental please.

[Normm]

Additionally- for the people telling me to learn from my mistake, I don't consider that this was a mistake.

 

 

Yeah I saw that one post "Learn from your poor decision". As if there's something wrong with swapping keys with your significant other. Just ignore useless posts like that, realize that anyone can offer advice that doesn't mean they have any clue what they're talking about.

[Orokotikki]

I didn't say it was a mistake or poor decision, but it is something you can learn from.

 

Sorry if you found that judgemental.

 

When we're in a positive relationship with someone it is easy to only see the positives, and overlook our own healthy self-interest, and other (potentially negative, realistic) outcomes.

 

Going to his work to ask for yout stuff back might work.

[Normm]

I didn't say it was a mistake or poor decision, but it is something you can learn from.

 

 

How's that supposed to work exactly? Next time she's in a serious relationship with a guy who stays over a lot, and with whom she sees a potential future, she should say "Sorry I don't trust any guys after what happened last time so no key for you?"

 

If losing the ability to trust a significant other in a relationship because of prior bad experiences is "learning" then I for one don't want to go back to school.

[Orokotikki]

Look the initial post is vague.

 

I don't know whether or not she trusted too soon (I don't see how long they were together or anything), but sounds like it ended ugly.

Maybe she didn't trust too soon, maybe she could have been more assertive getting her keys immediately, or de-escalated the animosity of the breakup, or ask him at work for the keys.

 

Every experience (not a mistake necessarily, but especially mistakes) is a learning experience. Learning from it is the consolation prize of every unpleasant experience.

 

It was never meant to be chiding. But from what you said (not offering keys) she can still offer keys to whoever she wants, and has at least learned that it will cost $400 to have them changed.

 

So that doesn't mean she doesn't offer someone new keys, it means she factors into the decision 'this may cost me $400 if i don't get them back". Thats all. Not relationship crippling trauma reaction forever. And that's "exactly how thats supposed to work."

 

Personally I don't understand how this is more than $40. But, there ya go.