He confessed to using before

[BitterSweetz]

I met a guy that told me after his wife died suddenly like 8 years ago that he turned to drugs. He said he doesnt use hard drugs anymore, but before I date guys i ask around. I live in a small rural town and this fella has a reputation that preceeds himself. He seems to be a sex addict, no emotional attachments just uses the women for sex n drives them back home. I have not done anything with him, I let him know i was pursuing a long term relationship that would lead to marriage. He said he wasn't ready for that but is still pursuing me.

 

I let him know I am busy, (too busy to aid his addiction) but i would like to be a friend and maybe help with an intervention of his sex addiction as he has children and I don't want it getting too out of control.

 

I know recovering addicts, and addictive personalities can turn to other means to get their rush and sex addictions are not at all uncommon. I seen pain in his eyes when we were talking. I am not an enabler, never have been. but I have done intervention with family members with alcoholism.

 

i just have no idea how to approach him on this?

[basil67]

Hi Bitter Sweetz, unless he's told you that he's suffering an addiction and wants help, your idea of being his friend and doing an intervention is an over reach. He isn't looking for friendship.

 

Move on without him in your life.

[bathtub-row]

Stay away from him. Completely. There are red flags everywhere and getting involved with him even as a friend is a very bad idea.

 

Do you know how his wife died? Hopefully, he wasn’t responsible for that.

[Mr. Lucky]

Move on without him in your life.

 

Exactly. Interventions by trained professionals have low success rates so an amateur attempt, no matter how well intentioned, has very little chance.

 

A hard truth about any addiction is the near impossibility of helping someone not ready to or interested in receiving it...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Mrs._December]

I'm assuming you know very little about TRUE sex addiction.

 

First of all, NO ONE can diagnose a true sex addiction unless they are a qualified CSAT. Therapists aren't qualified, the townsfolk in your little town aren't qualified, and you aren't qualified.

 

Secondly, people don't do interventions for sex addicts (which he likely isn't one, anyway). It simply sounds like he's chosen a poor coping mechanism to deal with his wife's death by partaking in emotionless sex for the physical release but won't allow himself to feel anything. That doesn't make him a 'sex addict.' It just means he needs help finding a better and more positive way to process his feelings.

 

Everyone needs to stop armchair diagnosing this guy when they're not qualified to do so, and talk to him instead about getting some emotional/medical help.

[Wallysbears]

You can't fix him. Don't get tangled in his mess.

[major_merrick]

Like Mrs. December said, an armchair diagnosis of sex addiction is pretty useless. What do YOU think of this guy?

 

Here's a life fact - people often go to pieces when they lose a partner. It totally changes you. My husband lost a partner as a teenager, and it still affects him many years later. He went through drugs, alcohol, casual sex, and self-destructive behavior. If you met him today, you'd never know he had issues in the past.

 

To me, the red flag is that he doesn't think he's ready, and you don't think he's ready. He may not be an addict, but emotionally he may not have moved on from the loss. Some people never do, and to have a relationship you have to understand your partner's weaknesses and be able to deal with it. My husband is still grieving the girl he lost so many years ago. It doesn't come up much, but there's a couple of dates that are significant. I also know an older man who lost his wife of 25 years to cancer. It has been seven or eight years, and he still visits her grave daily. To expect not to deal with that pain occasionally would be unfair.

 

How long was this guy married? The longer the marriage, the tougher the loss.