Is it wrong to see someone who is not blood related as family?

[Popeye_Jones]

I have a friend, who was a very close friend, but as time has gone on, that has faded, unfortunately. One of the reasons we bonded initially was because she was like a mother to me. My biological mother is still alive, and we are not estranged or anything, but we don't have the same type of relationship that me and my friend did. I saw my friend as a mother, but in a different way, if that makes any sense. And conversely, she looked at me like an adopted son. So, it was mutual. However, then came Mother's Day 2018. A day which I wish I would have just stayed in bed. My friend had been acting very strange in the days leading up to Mother's Day. She had very little, if anything, to say to me. I asked her about it, and I got told that she felt bad physically and mentally. She had been going through a bad depressive episode. And it was nothing that I did.

 

Okay, the only issue there was, if it was her and not me, as she put it, then why was she fine with other people? If she was so depressed and felt bad physically, other people sure couldn't tell. She was talking to them just like she always did, while giving me the cold shoulder. But yet, I didn't do anything, she kept telling me. Either there was something she was not telling me, or these other friends that she was talking to were the most oblivious people on the planet. Then came Mother's Day. Oh, what an awful day that was. I reached out to her to say Happy Mother's Day and to tell her I was thinking about her. And I had a very nice poem I had found online that I wanted to share with her. It reminded me of her and what we had, seeing as how I saw her like a second mother. But...before I could share it with her, she told me something that shook me to my very core. She told me and I quote "look, don't get me wrong, I appreciate the Happy Mother's Day wishes, and I love you, I really do...but....please understand...today is kind of about me....and my REAL kids". Holy crap!! If she thought she had been feeling bad physically and emotionally, ohhh..that could not hold a candle to what I was feeling.

 

I was so shocked and utterly speechless. What an absolutely heartless thing to say. I was very angry at her as well. I wanted to cuss her out so badly. I wanted to hurt her back in the most painful way possible. But...I kept my composure. I said in a very shaky and emotional voice "well..I guess there is no point in me sharing this poem with you. Since I am not one of your REAL kids". She asked what the poem was and I said to just forget it. And she said "I mean, you have to realize something, Mother's Day is about family. It doesn't mean that I love you any less, and it doesn't mean that I won't be here for you, but I have to be fair to my REAL kids. You see?" I told her that number one, I knew I was not one of her real kids. I tossed in a jab because I was hurt. I said "don't flatter yourself, honey". And that made her mad, but she deserved it. And I continued saying "they are your real kids, and I am more like an adopted son. Can we look at it that way? I'm not trying to be one of your real kids."

 

She went on to ask how my relationship with my actual mother was and did I not see any of this as unfair to her. And I said no, I didn't because every relationship is different. She said that once someone has a mother/father/brother/sister, etc,then they really should not ever look at anyone else as that. I just laughed, because I can't even recollect how many times I have heard someone who had a brother/sister say that a friend was like a brother/sister to them. Same with someone having a biological mother/father in their lives saying that someone else was also like a mother/father to them. I was very mad at her and I was afraid of saying something to make her furious at me, so, I told her bye and we would talk later, maybe.

 

The next day, she reached out to me and apologized. She told me to disregard what she had said because when she got depressed, she said and did really dumb things. I said "and you apparently say hurtful things too" and she said "yes. Yes I do, and it's not okay." We made up and I then asked her if I should no longer think of her as a mother and she said "oh, nonsense. I see you like a son, and that's all there is to it." I asked about the whole "real kids" business and she said "you are like a son to me. Period." So, I was happy that we patched that up, but I still didn't let my guard down. To me, she revealed something deeper with all that "real kids" stuff. Some months go by, and all seemed well for the most part. She still never really got back to how she was prior to the days leading up to Mother's Day. She has just not been the same since then. We have kind of drifted apart. Up until around Christmas, we had some kind of contact on a regular basis. But that has waned. I did hear that she posted something that may have been a shot at me. Something about her biological son and how he was the most fantastic human to walk the planet, aside from Jesus himself. And how "NOBODY could EVER take his place". At that point, I tossed my hands up and said to heck with her.

 

I apologize for the length. So, I ask, is it wrong to see someone else as a mother/father/son/daughter/brother/sister, etc. if you already have a biological one? Is that really an "insult" to your real kids/parents/siblings,etc?Does it make your biological kids/parents/siblings any less of a mother/father/brother/sister/son/daughter? My friend called it an "affront to actual family". I had never heard it put that way before.

Edited March 20, 2019 by Popeye_Jones

[anika99]

Wow! I don't know what to say about that. I have definitely heard people say things like so and so is like a (insert family relationship). Your friends reaction to you is just so odd that I feel like there must be more to this story. It doesn't sound like the reasons she gave you for her reaction are the real reasons and there was more to it than she was just depressed. How much old than you is she? Is it possible that she may developed romantic feelings for you? Or is it possible that she felt pressured to fulfill a need you have or play a role that she wasn't comfortable with?

[d0nnivain]

Her reaction was thoughtless. You are right to distance yourself. I am so sorry she has been so cruel about this.

 

I have joked for decades with 2 of my BFFs that we shared parents. The parents even joke back that I'm the favorite because they didn't have to pay my college tuition.

 

Good friends are the family you make for yourself. Alas this woman was too narrow minded & small hearted to see that

[preraph]

I think what likely happened is the son or other kids were questioning why you were basically interloping on their Mother's Day and she decided she needed to have some boundaries. I mean, it's their mother and you have a mother. It's nice you love her, but she is a friend, not your mother. Why can't you just treat her like a friend and not categorize her as your mother.

 

Look, I had a young friend I was very much a big sister to, but to me, he was just a dear friend up until his death. No reason to step in and elevate your position like that. Family is family. Those kids, she gave birth to and raised. You are a good friend who loves her and she loves you, but you can't ask her to pretend that you are her son.

 

I have a friend who includes me in her family a lot of the time, but I am not under any delusions who she'd grab first if both me and one of her kids ran in front of a truck!

[bathtub-row]

My son has a friend that he’s known since 9th grade. They’re both adults now - late 20’s. Over the years, my son’s friend spent a lot of time at our house and started calling me mom. He’s very close to his mother so it wasn’t an affront to her. I actually think my son looks at his friend’s mom as a sort of second mom, also. Anyway, my “other son”, as I jokingly call him, always wishes me happy mother’s day and a happy birthday. Sometimes, if my son does something that’s mildly annoying and I want to jab at him about it, I tell the friend that he’s my favorite son. Lol.

 

I think what this woman said to you was incredibly unnecessary and hurtful. I doubt you’ll be able to feel the same way about her after that. Unfortunately, the relationship will probably fade completely away over time.

[anika99]

Okay I just had a look at your previous threads and if this is the same friend you posted about last summer then I think I see the problem. Her kids and family despise you and want you out of her life (also think there's a lot more to that story) so when you called her on Mother's day either she just wanted to avoid you for the day as her kids were going to be around or her kids were there and were listening to her side of the convo so she said what she did for their benefit.

[Popeye_Jones]

Wow! I don't know what to say about that. I have definitely heard people say things like so and so is like a (insert family relationship). Your friends reaction to you is just so odd that I feel like there must be more to this story. It doesn't sound like the reasons she gave you for her reaction are the real reasons and there was more to it than she was just depressed. How much old than you is she? Is it possible that she may developed romantic feelings for you? Or is it possible that she felt pressured to fulfill a need you have or play a role that she wasn't comfortable with?

 

She is 20 years older than I am. I am 45, she is 65. Her daughter is my age, born two months before me. She also two sons, one is around 10 years younger than me, (mid-30's) and one who is roughly 12-13 years younger than me (early 30's). And the real kicker is, these kids of her's really don't pay THAT much attention to her. Yet, she has them up on a pedestal and used that as a way to make me feel like I was a second class citizen or something. Like they were at this level that I would never be at. Looking back, maybe she was trying to create some sort of competition. And all the while, I was the one paying attention to her while she was just an afterthought to them. I asked her was she absolutely sure she was comfortable with our relationship and she said "of course. If I wasn't I wouldn't be in it".

 

It's just so hard to believe that this time a year ago, she was so different. She was so loving and nurturing. And it felt like she really did care for me just as much as I cared for her. I don't know if something happened around Mother's Day last year that sent her into a tailspin that she has never recovered from, or if the novelty of what we had had pretty much worn off at that point. But things just never were the same after that. In the months after that, we would have our ups and downs. Every so often, she would almost be back to how she had been prior to Mother's Day. But not quite. She mentioned one of her awesome biological sons here and there and even hinted around to seeing if I would be interested in meeting him and becoming friends. I thought that was weird. Another weird thing was, she only ever mentioned ONE of them. Never the other. And she didn't say a ton about her daughter either. Interestingly enough, when she had an asthma attack and needed to go to the ER, she called me. Not one of her "real kids" but me! And then, after I got her back home, she even said "have I mentioned that you are now my new favorite kid, ha ha ha" to which I replied, "but, I'm not real....remember" and then there was this awkward silence.

[Popeye_Jones]

I think what likely happened is the son or other kids were questioning why you were basically interloping on their Mother's Day and she decided she needed to have some boundaries. I mean, it's their mother and you have a mother. It's nice you love her, but she is a friend, not your mother. Why can't you just treat her like a friend and not categorize her as your mother.

 

Look, I had a young friend I was very much a big sister to, but to me, he was just a dear friend up until his death. No reason to step in and elevate your position like that. Family is family. Those kids, she gave birth to and raised. You are a good friend who loves her and she loves you, but you can't ask her to pretend that you are her son.

 

I have a friend who includes me in her family a lot of the time, but I am not under any delusions who she'd grab first if both me and one of her kids ran in front of a truck!

 

Wow.....You completely missed my point. I said she was LIKE a mother to me, not that she was my actual mother. Keep in mind, SHE said,more than once, I was like an ADOPTED son to her. I can NEVER be one of her biological kids. I never WANTED to be one of them. As for me "interloping".....I don't know what you call interloping....but I made ONE PHONE CALL to her on that day! Sheesh...I'm starting to think that you are one of her biological kids LOL

[Popeye_Jones]

Okay I just had a look at your previous threads and if this is the same friend you posted about last summer then I think I see the problem. Her kids and family despise you and want you out of her life (also think there's a lot more to that story) so when you called her on Mother's day either she just wanted to avoid you for the day as her kids were going to be around or her kids were there and were listening to her side of the convo so she said what she did for their benefit.

 

That was about a different person altogether!! And I am thanking that person's family members for doing me a huge favor in showing me the door. I dodged a bullet there. Long story. She had withheld a ton of information about a lot of things. She was NOT what or who she appeared to be. Anyway, different situation, different person.

Edited March 20, 2019 by Popeye_Jones

[Popeye_Jones]

I think what likely happened is the son or other kids were questioning why you were basically interloping on their Mother's Day and she decided she needed to have some boundaries. I mean, it's their mother and you have a mother. It's nice you love her, but she is a friend, not your mother. Why can't you just treat her like a friend and not categorize her as your mother.

 

Look, I had a young friend I was very much a big sister to, but to me, he was just a dear friend up until his death. No reason to step in and elevate your position like that. Family is family. Those kids, she gave birth to and raised. You are a good friend who loves her and she loves you, but you can't ask her to pretend that you are her son.

 

I have a friend who includes me in her family a lot of the time, but I am not under any delusions who she'd grab first if both me and one of her kids ran in front of a truck!

 

And another thing, why did she call me to take her to the ER when she was having an asthma attack? Why not one of her "real" kids? Why did she make me a cake for my birthday? Why did she invite me over for her birthday? I'm asking all of that rhetorically, of course. But, I was never supposed to think of her as a second mother or anything because she didn't birth me. And, interesting to note, they hardly pay any attention to her. But...they are the bio kids

[Popeye_Jones]

My son has a friend that he’s known since 9th grade. They’re both adults now - late 20’s. Over the years, my son’s friend spent a lot of time at our house and started calling me mom. He’s very close to his mother so it wasn’t an affront to her. I actually think my son looks at his friend’s mom as a sort of second mom, also. Anyway, my “other son”, as I jokingly call him, always wishes me happy mother’s day and a happy birthday. Sometimes, if my son does something that’s mildly annoying and I want to jab at him about it, I tell the friend that he’s my favorite son. Lol.

 

I think what this woman said to you was incredibly unnecessary and hurtful. I doubt you’ll be able to feel the same way about her after that. Unfortunately, the relationship will probably fade completely away over time.

 

It pretty much already has. What I think it boils down to is this. She liked what her and I had, but ultimately, she wanted that with her biological kids, and when it didn't happen, and likely won't ever happen, she projected that frustration onto me. She is NOT that close with them.

[Mckay]

Interesting thread indeed. I must say, you really got me thinking. Is it wrong to see someone as family who is not actually related by blood? No. Certainly not. Because, lets' face it, someone being related to you by blood does not automatically mean that the relationship is this magical, wonderful, awesome thing. No sir. In fact, a lot of times, it's quite the opposite. Whereas, you meet someone and form a close bond, well, let's be real, it's only natural to see them as family more so than some blood relative that you don't really get along with. In fact, I'd say that it's just human nature.

 

Now, onto your particular situation. I don't see where you did anything wrong by seeing this woman as a mother figure. So long as there were line of demarcation, so to speak. Did you ever lock horns with her biological kids? Or, did you keep your distance from them and just have your own friendship with this woman? So long as you understood that her being like a mother to you, was only to an extent and you didn't become lost in any type of delusion that you were an actual, biological son of hers, then I see nothing wrong at all. And, understand, it's VERY easy to become delusional in situations like that. I've seen it happen.

 

Now let's look at Mother's Day itself. What happened, exactly? Did you place your phone call while her family was around? Or did you wait and do it later after they were gone? If you did the latter, then you most definitely did nothing wrong. And even if you had done the former, then all your friend had to do was say "hey, listen, thanks for the wishes, I don't want to be unkind or anything, but now is not a good time, can we talk later?" and I'm sure you would have understood. From what I can gather, you did the latter. She really had no reason to say those things to you, especially considering that she herself even referred to you as "like an adopted son", and seemingly had no issue being a mother figure to you. So assuming that you let Mother's Day be about her and her family, and you didn't interlope on their actual time together, and instead just called her afterwards, then she was the one in the wrong for reacting in such a negative way.

 

There are some other things that I'd like to delve into. I find it odd that she had no problem whatsoever, being this mother figure to you. Again, that's mother figure, and not actual mother, there is a difference. You also stated that she really wasn't all that close with her biological kids. That goes back to what I said at the beginning about being related by blood not meaning that a relationship is automatically spectacular. So you and her were on the same page. She enjoyed being this mother figure to you. And she wasn't all that close with her biological kids. Yet, once Mother's Day rolled around, suddenly, they walk on water, and you are a pariah. Hmmm..that's interesting....That gets me to thinking, why the sudden change up? Why were they suddenly so amazing? Was it simply by default, just because it was Mother's Day? Something isn't adding up. You stated in another response that perhaps she really loved what she had with you, and she really wanted it more so with her real kids. That's an interesting point. Perhaps there was some manipulation gong on there. Perhaps you were sort of like a pawn to her. She may have been just using you to make them jealous.

 

I want to tell you what I think really happened. But before I get to it, I'd like to offer some advice. As another poster said, I too believe that you did the right thing in distancing yourself from her. If you want to know the truth, I think she did damage to you. You do NOT need her, my friend. From what I can gather, she is not that nice of a person. You may have never known the real her. Appearances can be deceiving. What I said about you possibly being a pawn to her, well what I meant was, you said she wasn't all that close with her real kids. Yet, when Mother's Day rolled around, she acted differently. It is very possible that she was using you to get their attention. They didn't pay that much attention to her. An afterthought, you said. Well, do you see where I am going with this? Now, she has some leverage, so to speak. "Hey...look here....you all don't want me or need me...here is someone who does!" So, let's say that that DID get their attention. It worked to perfection. And then she just suddenly cast you aside. That would explain all that "real kids" talk. It's like she was telling you "my real kids love me now, so I don't need you anymore. You have served your useful purpose". If true, then that was cruel and inhumane of her, and she certainly showed you her true colors.

 

You say that she called you the next day to apologize. And she even wanted things to go back to the way they were. You being like an adopted son, her being like a mother. Why? Well, simple. She NEEDED you. You said you took her to the ER and then when you got her back home, she wanted to call you her "new favorite kid"? She was just trying to appease you. Have some self respect. Don't get sucked back into any of that. Take some time and practice some self care. You need it. And for your own good...stay away from this woman. It may not be what you want to hear, but she sounds toxic.