The Age Gap

[jayteep]

Hello all.

 

So I am in a relationship with an 18 year old girl/woman. I am 30. It happend by accident, we both met randomly and we clicked and have a lot in common and we decided to become a couple.

 

Anyways despite having a lot in common, and not just interests but like the same taste in food, music, like almost everything really. Its almost creepy and weird that we have too much in common, like it is even on a very basic level of our similarities, like on a that's a nearly impossible level. Regardless we vibe well for the most part.

 

Now before anyone like pre-judges me. I don't specifically go after younger women. Last I was in college, at 27 years old I did date an 18 year old briefly. But my last two relationships, one was 31 and the other 28.

 

Regardless, I do notice some things that concern me about me and my 18 year old girlfriend of going on 2 months now. I can't really tell if they are my own insecurities or what.

 

I like to think these concerns are related to her young age and how her generation may act or function.

 

When she tells me stories, they are always misleading and often her answers or responses change frequently and dramatically. Like one story she was describing a "family member" contacted her for whatever reason, but the said "family member" ended up turning into a "family friend" then the said "family friend" turned into another girl that she ended up bonding with because she was the girl that her EX-Boyfriend ended up cheating on her with. I am familiar with the story of the ex and the cheating, but I swear when I remember the story she originally told me, she said she ended up bonding with the girl after being cheated on, but when I asked her why she called her a family friend or whatever she said it was because she has known her for a long time and is a close friend and the cheating only let them bond more or whatever. I just dont understand why the labels of who this person is changed several times.

 

Like another thing too, is when I ask her to do things or whatever she will always say later, but NEVER do them. If I bring it up or ask her to please do it she will get defensive and just say no she doesnt want to do it.

 

A lot of her stories are inconsistent, but still believable. It is hard to describe. She does admit she is terrible at explaining things and most of the time she needs time to gather her thoughts and tries to take the time to word what she wants to say.

 

It makes me think she is trying to manipulate and perhaps be secretive, like she might be lieing or she lies so much that she needs to make sure she has her stories straight. But at the same time, the stories and situation are very plausible and I really have no way of knowing either way what the truth is, even though she explains it so weird and might come off so strange, in the end I can see how the stories and explanations are believable, I just still have thoughts of doubt in my mind because it sounds so fishy.

 

I do not know if it is just my own insecurities or if perhaps its just her personality and age that is why she behaves that way. It is weird to me. Not sure how others feel.

 

I talked with my best friend and he finds it so funny and weird that there CAN'T be any bad intentions from it.

 

So like our first few weeks we were in like constant communication, like hard core communication, always on the phone or videoing. Well that stopped about two weeks in and she is like well, "I really like my alone time and I am not on my phone a lot and I am not a big texter, I am not a fan of videoing either"

 

I understand about having alone time, but the thing is she is on her phone a lot, she is on Instagram almost all the time, but cant find the time to text me or reply back to me. When we are in person she is on her phone a lot and texts her "best friend" and keeps in contact with her "mom" a lot.

 

So I am just confused in a lot of these areas with her, because for me, I will always be able to respond to a text. Its not about her responding or not responding, but if you have time to go on instagram and like 8+ posts, but you can't even read my text, much less respond a word or two its like wtf is going on?

 

Like she professes her feelings for me, and she is very close with me and will hug, kiss, cuddle, lean into me and rest her head on me on some like real lovey dovey clingy stuff, but other than that, when not in person she is distant as heck, like so distant.

 

If I act distant back with her, I will eventually get an unimportant text from her, like "did you happen to try the new netflix login" just as an example, its not like oh 'hey how was your day' its like some non relationship type text. But in person its fire and sparks. I just can't always tell whats going on.

[Wallysbears]

You’re dating a barely legal child and you are 30. Why?

[jayteep]

You’re dating a barely legal child and you are 30. Why?

 

It happened, it wasnt on purpose but, we both fell for eachother, and to be fair in my State, 17 is the legal age. Also her parents approve, so do her siblings, and the guy she was with before me was 29....so its what she is into I guess.

[Mr. Lucky]

I just can't always tell whats going on.

 

Which one of you is driving to the Senior Prom?

 

Honestly, most of your complaints seem to relate to typically youthful behavior, no surprise given her age. Seems disingenuous to date an 18-year old and then complain she acts like a teenager...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Woggle]

If you date an 18 year old then she will act like an 18 year old. If you want an adult relationship then date an adult.

[jayteep]

Which one of you is driving to the Senior Prom?

 

Honestly, most of your complaints seem to relate to typically youthful behavior, no surprise given her age. Seems disingenuous to date an 18-year old and then complain she acts like a teenager...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Well when you are that young your perception on things is different, so the young age is ambiguous because she is in fact super MATURE for an 18 year old, like on some things. My concern was if this is normal for the age or if they are red flags I should be aware of for the long run or if they will go away with more maturity.

 

 

If you date an 18 year old then she will act like an 18 year old. If you want an adult relationship then date an adult.

 

Its because I am not female and I am not 18 years old right now, so the perception is different. I have never been in a serious relationship with such a wide age gap. I was just inquiring if this behavior of hers is normal and typical for her age or if the behavior is a sign of possible trouble in the long run or if it might fade out with maturity.

 

Thank you both for your responses.

[clia]

My impression is that she is immature, a liar, and not that into you.

 

How long have you been dating her?

[jayteep]

My impression is that she is immature, a liar, and not that into you.

 

How long have you been dating her?

 

I see you posted this at the same time as my post just before this.

 

We have been dating and going on 2 months now. Yeah I see a certain immaturity in some things, but I believe it to be from inexperience rather than just her age, I know age and experience can be related, but on a lot of levels she is very mature and intelligent and actually opens my mind to things and points of view, she actually surprises me on some things how in depth her reasoning and logic is on some things and some disagreements we have had.

 

The liar thing is what I mostly struggle with. I mean since day one her stories with not always adding up or being the same has been consistent so that really just may be her personality. I haven't outright been able to prove her inconsistency as a lie or being false, she seems to be able to have an answer in almost every fashionable way even if it is sketchy, it all has some sense and validity to it.

 

As far as being into me, I really think she is into me a lot, maybe she is scared that she really likes me so much. Its odd, she shows me a lot of attention in some ways, but sometimes she falls back hard. She has her own hurt past and some bad past relationships. Sometimes she is clingy in person, other times she falls back. Only on one occasion did she ever blow up my phone and was clingy trying to text/call and get a hold of me. Other than that though outside of being in person she is distant most of the time. Sometimes we have decent texting/calling communication.

 

Im just trying to really understand if this behavior is normal and I don't have anything to worry about. If it came from someone my age, I would totally be concerned, but I am trying to give her a chance, we kind of talked about not being together before and she got all sad and was starting to cry, saying she wants to be with me....

[Woggle]

She is not even old enough to drink. She just became old enough to vote and only became a legal adult this year so yes she will act different. If you want a younger woman at least go 25.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

If you date an 18 year old then she will act like an 18 year old. If you want an adult relationship then date an adult.

 

Bingo. She's acting her age. Don't like it? Date someone your own age.

[preraph]

Well, congratulations, you're raising dating a teenager.

 

She's not going to stick around. She's still focused on her ex for one thing, so much so that she brings anyone he dates in real close to her. But she's too young to sit still for long, so just accept that. She still has to become a woman and explore and change and it will still be about 7 years before the part of her brain that can foresee consequences is fully formed. She doesn't want you trying to know where she is all the time and tying her down because she's young and not at all ready to settle down and that will be another decade from now.

[elaine567]

Sorry but she is not into you, you are fooling yourself.

She is affectionate and cuddly in person but as soon as you are out of sight she forgets about you...

[loversquarrel]

Well the good news is in three years you can take her to a bar.

 

No matter how mature you think she is, she isn't. Maybe work on your own maturity level? It's one thing to date younger women, like a 30 yr old when you're 40, but right now for you, you are dating a kid.

[Herbalist]

Honestly as a woman who has had several female friends and acquaintances throughout my life, in my own observations, if a woman 17-21 is getting together with a man 10+ years older than her, it is a temporary psychological thing regarding father issues.

 

Usually it doesn't seem to be on purpose but more so seems to be subconscious, at least initially.

 

Even the way you describe the dynamic seems to be this case, like how you describe her immaturity, lying to you, being flaky and breaking her word (acting rebellious), and so on.

 

Subconsciously you are very likely "temporary surrogate dad" in a Freudian sort of way to her. Not like she wants to be attracted to a father or anything bizarre like that, but just in the sense that most women will subconsciously model their expectations of a man (as a mate) after the psychological foundation they had with their father.

 

So what happens sometimes is that a younger woman who didn't grow up with a father or who grew up without a healthy bond with her father, as a younger woman she can still be subconsciously seeking a father figure in a bond with older men.

 

The thing about this is.. That will come with all of the good and the bad. For example, while subconsciously she might still be seeking a father figure out of a natural instinctive longing for one, and while this might cause her to seem to adore you at times, also she will have a lot of buried resentment, anger, attachment anxiety.. basically things that she can resolve in time or in therapy if she chooses.. but in the meantime, because you are the subconscious "stand in" for "dad" you will also eventually be the target of this anger, resentment, etc.

 

Again this does not seem to be on purpose or consciously done in most cases. What I have observed for the most part is that when a younger has gone through this processing stage for a little while, eventually they get to processing the "anger" stuff, and then they move on completely. Often it is a case of both the woman and the man using each other without meaning to do it, but that is what is really going on in the end.

 

If you notice that her immature behavior with you gets steadily worse and worse, then it's nearly a guaranteed sign that she is subconsciously using you to process father issues and will discard you when she is finished. Again this isn't usually done intentionally out of malice, but be prepared anyway.

[Bantosm]

You’re dating a barely legal child and you are 30. Why?

A barely legal child? That is nonsense.

[Bantosm]

If you date an 18 year old then she will act like an 18 year old. If you want an adult relationship then date an adult.

Good grief, an 18 year old is an adult. However, being an adult is not an guarantee for maturity.

[Gretchen12]

I doubt she talks with such inconsistencies with her friends. She's sloppy with you because she doesn't consider you her peer, so you don't really need to know. It's like the Peanuts cartoons where the kids talk normally among themselves but when adults speak the kids only hear "wua wua, wuawua wua wua".

[jayteep]

Honestly as a woman who has had several female friends and acquaintances throughout my life, in my own observations, if a woman 17-21 is getting together with a man 10+ years older than her, it is a temporary psychological thing regarding father issues.

 

Usually it doesn't seem to be on purpose but more so seems to be subconscious, at least initially.

 

Even the way you describe the dynamic seems to be this case, like how you describe her immaturity, lying to you, being flaky and breaking her word (acting rebellious), and so on.

 

Subconsciously you are very likely "temporary surrogate dad" in a Freudian sort of way to her. Not like she wants to be attracted to a father or anything bizarre like that, but just in the sense that most women will subconsciously model their expectations of a man (as a mate) after the psychological foundation they had with their father.

 

So what happens sometimes is that a younger woman who didn't grow up with a father or who grew up without a healthy bond with her father, as a younger woman she can still be subconsciously seeking a father figure in a bond with older men.

 

The thing about this is.. That will come with all of the good and the bad. For example, while subconsciously she might still be seeking a father figure out of a natural instinctive longing for one, and while this might cause her to seem to adore you at times, also she will have a lot of buried resentment, anger, attachment anxiety.. basically things that she can resolve in time or in therapy if she chooses.. but in the meantime, because you are the subconscious "stand in" for "dad" you will also eventually be the target of this anger, resentment, etc.

 

Again this does not seem to be on purpose or consciously done in most cases. What I have observed for the most part is that when a younger has gone through this processing stage for a little while, eventually they get to processing the "anger" stuff, and then they move on completely. Often it is a case of both the woman and the man using each other without meaning to do it, but that is what is really going on in the end.

 

If you notice that her immature behavior with you gets steadily worse and worse, then it's nearly a guaranteed sign that she is subconsciously using you to process father issues and will discard you when she is finished. Again this isn't usually done intentionally out of malice, but be prepared anyway.

 

I appreciate this, I can see this as being true from what she has shared with me about herself. This is unfortunate though, because that means there is no real substance to the relationship and that there is nowhere to go or move forward with it.

 

 

I doubt she talks with such inconsistencies with her friends. She's sloppy with you because she doesn't consider you her peer, so you don't really need to know. It's like the Peanuts cartoons where the kids talk normally among themselves but when adults speak the kids only hear "wua wua, wuawua wua wua".

 

Hmmm its so interesting to hear feedback that makes so much sense as unfortunate as it may be.

 

But is it not true that everyone always interacts and speaks differently to their friends in comparison to their significant other.

[basil67]

It's not her age. I know kids that age who are honest, straight forward and who can tell a story without confusing basic elements over time.

 

The one thing that throws me is when you say that asking her to do things that she doesn't do and you raise the issue again asking her to "please do it". It's obvious that she doesn't want to do these things, but I can't help but wonder what you're requesting of her. That is, are your requests reasonable?

[jayteep]

It's not her age. I know kids that age who are honest, straight forward and who can tell a story without confusing basic elements over time.

 

The one thing that throws me is when you say that asking her to do things that she doesn't do and you raise the issue again asking her to "please do it". It's obvious that she doesn't want to do these things, but I can't help but wonder what you're requesting of her. That is, are your requests reasonable?

 

Well thank you I appreciate that you took the time to point out such a specific question.

 

I believe my requests are reasonable. Its like basic stuff of liking a instagram post or send me a pic of what you wore today. Or sometimes its like if I want us to call or video, that gets put off a lot. Its like really small stuff to me, that would take literally not even 1 minute to do, yet she says later and still won't do it when brought up. Like another thing is she has been supposed to have told a friend something regarding us, and she says she wants to and will, but EVERY opportunity to do so, she tells me she hasnt done it yet, and she has had at least 5 opportunities to do so.

 

On a side note, today has been EXTREMELY REALLY AWESOME, like her communication and texting and calling has been like 100% spot on. I have no complaints today.....

[basil67]

I believe my requests are reasonable. Its like basic stuff of liking a instagram post or send me a pic of what you wore today. Or sometimes its like if I want us to call or video, that gets put off a lot. Its like really small stuff to me, that would take literally not even 1 minute to do, yet she says later and still won't do it when brought up. Like another thing is she has been supposed to have told a friend something regarding us, and she says she wants to and will, but EVERY opportunity to do so, she tells me she hasnt done it yet, and she has had at least 5 opportunities to do so.

 

Ok, telling her to like an instagram post is odd (I would never presume to tell my husband what he should 'like' on social media!) as is reminding her to send a pic of what she wore. These are things which she should do if and when she wants. Sure, it's OK to tell her once that you like to receive these things, but give her the agency to do if she chooses to.

 

When you want to call or video, do you ask her when would be convenient?

 

Again, with telling the friend something, she will do it when she wants to.

 

I am loathe to use the word 'controlling', but pushing her to do little things which she doesn't want to do can be the tip of an iceberg.

[jayteep]

Ok, telling her to like an instagram post is odd (I would never presume to tell my husband what he should 'like' on social media!) as is reminding her to send a pic of what she wore. These are things which she should do if and when she wants. Sure, it's OK to tell her once that you like to receive these things, but give her the agency to do if she chooses to.

 

When you want to call or video, do you ask her when would be convenient?

 

Again, with telling the friend something, she will do it when she wants to.

 

I am loathe to use the word 'controlling', but pushing her to do little things which she doesn't want to do can be the tip of an iceberg.

 

Yeah the way I worded those things is odd, I was just trying to give examples. About the instagram thing, is she told me to let her know when I post something because she wants to see it and like it, but sometimes depending on when I post it, she wont see it in her feed. About what she would wear, is its like if she mentioned she was wearing something special or specific, I would be like oh that sounds cute can I see?

 

Yeah I guess its just when someone is apprehensive or lacks the effort to want to do something, I feel a reminder can be helpful to give that little push needed to follow through.

[ElKay]

My bf is 11 years older, but I'm 27. We've joked previously that, when I was 7, he was 18.

 

Age gaps become less significant as age progresses. She sounds inexperienced and still in a discovery phase. While you might be compatible later in life, your differences at this point might be too much.

[chillii]

yep , 18's too young for your age , it'd be different if you just added even 5yrs to each, mid 20s somewhere would be fine or up to her but 18, too young right now , not fair on her, she's got a lot of living to do and can't even know who she is yet.

[elaine567]

Age gaps become less significant as age progresses.

Not necessarily true, it is life stages that matter and life stages tend to trip up those in large age gap relationships.

 

Here she is a ditsy child, muddling on through, oblivious to responsibility. He wants structure and feels the need to control, to mould her into his perfect partner.

She may rebel and say "Stuff it" or she will be swept along by a desire to "get serious" and even play house...

BUT she is too young and in her early twenties she will wake up and go off looking for life...