What does he want from me?

[heartwhole2]

I think that when we are the sort of people who think long-term and do things with purpose, we expect others to act the same way. But it's very likely that he doesn't have any sort of plan in mind. He was bonded with you, and keeping in touch with you feels good, so he does it. It's probably as simple as that.

[gwen uk]

Thank you for all of your replies, whilst I don't like hearing some of them, they do mean a lot to me and I respect the wisdom and experience on here.

 

The reason I don't talk about my marriage is because that is not the area I came here wanting or needing support with. That doesn't mean it doesn't affect me deeply, it doesn't mean I don't tear myself apart with guilt and sadness and grief, it simply means that was never the question I brought to the board - not because I don't care, not because it isn't something I care deeply about. I was after thoughts on a very specific question which was confusing me. Still is. Though the conversation has today become a little more suggestive and rather than giving me hope that makes me sad and somewhat disappointed.

[S2B]

Thank you for all of your replies, whilst I don't like hearing some of them, they do mean a lot to me and I respect the wisdom and experience on here.

 

The reason I don't talk about my marriage is because that is not the area I came here wanting or needing support with. That doesn't mean it doesn't affect me deeply, it doesn't mean I don't tear myself apart with guilt and sadness and grief, it simply means that was never the question I brought to the board - not because I don't care, not because it isn't something I care deeply about. I was after thoughts on a very specific question which was confusing me. Still is. Though the conversation has today become a little more suggestive and rather than giving me hope that makes me sad and somewhat disappointed.

 

Oh, you are married?

 

Well answers are still the same... except it adds to the reason he chose you. You expect less because you are already married.

 

Why are you willing to mess up two marriages/families?

[Abetterme]

Thank you for all of your replies, whilst I don't like hearing some of them, they do mean a lot to me and I respect the wisdom and experience on here.

 

The reason I don't talk about my marriage is because that is not the area I came here wanting or needing support with. That doesn't mean it doesn't affect me deeply, it doesn't mean I don't tear myself apart with guilt and sadness and grief, it simply means that was never the question I brought to the board - not because I don't care, not because it isn't something I care deeply about. I was after thoughts on a very specific question which was confusing me. Still is. Though the conversation has today become a little more suggestive and rather than giving me hope that makes me sad and somewhat disappointed.

 

@gwen - Suggestive as in, he’s trying to draw you back into the A? It is disappointing but as you pull out of the fog you can finally start seeing him for what he is. Someone who will continue to use you if you allow.

 

I know you aren’t asking for help with your marriage, but I hope you refocus your attention on that relationship and what your plans are for it moving forward. As other posters have mentioned, it seems very likely that you are headed for Dday 2 and that will eventually blow up your own relationship. It would probably be good to have a plan for that. This sadly is headed to a terrible place so I hope you are able to stop contact with him immediately.

 

Neither my xAP or myself had a dday, so I’m not judging, but I can assure you, as I’ve come out of that horrible relationship and the “fog” I think every day about how much I want my family and how horrible I was to jeopardize it.

 

He wants you both, but it’s not possible. Wishing you the best Gwen.

[mark clemson]

Though the conversation has today become a little more suggestive and rather than giving me hope that makes me sad and somewhat disappointed.

 

You mean his texts to you, correct? Not a shocker and tips this clearly towards he wants to restart the affair.

 

Concurring with the comments above. Were you hoping to remain friends? That wouldn't be possibly anyhow after a D-day. BW would just see it as what it apparently is (him continue to chase you romantically).

 

Time to start biting the bullet and begin letting him go 100%. Painful perhaps, but quite necessary. As others have pointed out, even by allowing him to text you you risk a Dday 2 AND the potential of his BW contacting your BH. Not a good scenario. It may happen even without a Dday 2. If you are wise, you should think through how you would handle that.

[BaileyB]

Though the conversation has today become a little more suggestive and rather than giving me hope that makes me sad and somewhat disappointed.

 

Well, at least he is clear about his prime motivation/interest.

 

DTK3 hasn’t chimed in that much, but I think it would be worth sharing a little bit of wisdom he often espouses related to the dynamics of an affair... Women and men tend to have very different experiences in affairs. Women tend to fall deeply for their partner, which makes it difficult for them to really connect with their husband. Often the marriage will suffer as the woman devoted herself to her affair partner, choosing to effectively replace her husband.

 

While men, tend not to get emotionally involved in the same way with their affair partner. For a man, he may not be looking to “replace” his partner as often they are quite content in their marriage and with their home life. Rather, they are often looking for a little “extra” - sex, that is. That may well be what your guy is doing, given the fact that he has plainly told you that he has no intention to leave his wife/family. You have attached to him in a way that you have detached from your family, while he is clearly not feeling the same... while still hoping you will stick around to provide a little “extra...”

[elaine567]

The other problem is that whilst happy to indulge in this fantasy "love story", the reality is that many MM do not really want to get seriously involved with a woman who can sleep with another woman's husband behind her back i.e. him, or who is cheating on her own husband.

Given the choice between the "innocent" wife and the "devious" MW, the wife wins...

 

Hypocritical I know, but...

[gwen uk]

THanks again for your responses. Yes, I do mean the tones of his texts have turned of a slightly more sexual nature. Nothing explicit, but suggestive nontheless. It leaves me even more confused than when he was constantly contacting me but wouldn’t go anywhere near a conversation that may be anything other than platonic - that was my original question and was baffling beyond compare. Now this.

 

The human mind is a strange and contrary thing. Before - when he only wanted platonic but very frequent contact - I was grieving the loss of him from my life and now the tone changes and all of a sudden I’m starting to see him with a slightly different lense and it makes me question things I wouldn’t have previously questioned.

 

How can he be working on fixing his relationship when he goes home at night yet talking to me like this throughout the day? Is it because he is now feeling comfortable at home? Is it because his kids are now starting to thaw towards him? Could it genuinely be that what he told me at the start of our relationship is true - he loves his family unit but if it weren’t for the kids he would not be with his wife anymore? I feel disappointed in him.

[heartwhole2]

He said he wants to work on his marriage, but clearly that just meant "make sure my wife is placated enough that she won't leave." You're right that a person who is truly working on a marriage does not continue secret communications with an affair partner.

[BaileyB]

He said he wants to work on his marriage, but clearly that just meant "make sure my wife is placated enough that she won't leave." You're right that a person who is truly working on a marriage does not continue secret communications with an affair partner.

 

Clearly. Nor, will he be seeking sex from another woman.

 

“Work on his marriage” means give the appearance that he is reinvesting in his family such that he placates his wife and convinces his kids that he is not doing anything inappropriate. He needs to shore up the stability of his marriage because he wants to maintain the status quo with respect to his family and finances. But clearly, we wants to have it all and he plans to continue to deceive his wife and children, while giving the impression that he is a committed and loyal husband and father. Nice guy.

[elaine567]

It really depends on how much "working on the marriage" entails. Seems to me as long as he knows she isn't leaving, that may be enough.

So he resumes where he left off, albeit a bit less full on to start with.

I guess he has dipped his toe in the water ie the platonic texts to you, she has not reacted, so he sees it is safe to ramp it all up again.

[BaileyB]

It really depends on how much "working on the marriage" entails. Seems to me as long as he knows she isn't leaving, that may be enough.

So he resumes where he left off, albeit a bit less full on to start with.

I guess he has dipped his toe in the water ie the platonic texts to you, she has not reacted, so he sees it is safe to ramp it all up again.

 

The other thing he has learned is that you are still in OP. You’ve been through Dday and you are still all in... willing to risk your family and accept whatever he has to offer (which isn’t much).

[Naivewomen]

I still dont understand why they are willing to risk their own content lives especially after DDay and especially that they dont want to break up their happy home. Makes no sense why a man needs two woman. I simply can not comprehend the logic behind this.

[elaine567]

Makes no sense why a man needs two woman. I simply can not comprehend the logic behind this.

 

Some men would happily have a new woman daily if they could get away with it, so not sure where you are getting this "Why would a man need two women..."

[DKT3]

It's not that they NEED two women it's that they have the opportunity to have two women.

 

in their minds the marriage isnt at risk. People cheat for two reasons, 1) they dont really care about their marriage and spouses or 2) and most common they believe they wont be caught or if caught they can get out of it and remain married.

 

My trouble with affairs in general is how married women whine and moan about MM treatment of them while they do the same to their husbands and children. I mean I get it, the affair itself says alot about them, about the selfishness and entitlement. But I'm still missing the brazen hypocrisy of it all. When you play the game you cant cry foul when it doesn't work out the way you wanted.

[elaine567]

I still dont understand why they are willing to risk their own content lives especially after DDay and especially that they dont want to break up their happy home.

 

As a monogamous woman you shut down your husband when your MM entered the scene. Your heart and soul became his and had he been agreeable you would have happily sailed off into the sunset with him. But he didn't think like that, he had managed to acquire a wife AND a MW, he was "da man", why would he want to ruin that nice little set up?

[stillafool]

Some men have more than two women.

[BaileyB]

I still dont understand why they are willing to risk their own content lives especially after DDay and especially that they dont want to break up their happy home. Makes no sense why a man needs two woman. I simply can not comprehend the logic behind this.

 

As a monogamous woman you shut down your husband when your MM entered the scene. Your heart and soul became his and had he been agreeable you would have happily sailed off into the sunset with him. But he didn't think like that, he had managed to acquire a wife AND a MW, he was "da man", why would he want to ruin that nice little set up?

 

You can’t understand the logic? Didn’t you were essentially doing the same thing - risking your life with your family to be with your MM. No doubt, you will say your home was not “content,” you were clearly willing to ride off into the sunset with your AP if you were discovered and things didn’t need work out with your husband, and you have not had a Dday (that’s only because you’ve been lucky). You and this MM may have done things differently, but you have done essentially the very same thing...

 

You were essentially monogamous (while having a relationship with two men), while he is clearly enjoying his relationships with two women. Different strokes for different folks, but more similar than you may want to admit.

Edited March 23, 2019 by BaileyB

[lolita888]

I still dont understand why they are willing to risk their own content lives especially after DDay and especially that they dont want to break up their happy home. Makes no sense why a man needs two woman. I simply can not comprehend the logic behind this.

Me too. Try as we may we will never understand. I also believe that it also depends from person to person. Some just enjoy the chase or having more than one woman but also want the comfortable life or stability that his wife can give him.

 

 

 

Some just get bored or started to feel lonely after years of being married and doing nothing but work.

It seems though that a lot of these MM started to have an A - after their children started going to school or having their own life. Getting used to spending the weekdays with their family (wife and children) then one day he just realized everything has changed. He work the entire weekdays then spend the weekends alone in the house or with his wife. So they slowly started to feel empty so they look for that thing that will fill their emptiness.

 

 

Some were just having stressful life at work and home. Having family problems then someone came in and made them happy. But then the problem passed and so the A continued "just" as long as he can keep it.

 

 

But then again some are just really cheaters.

[BaileyB]

Some just enjoy the chase or having more than one woman but also want the comfortable life or stability that his wife can give him.

 

Some just get bored or started to feel lonely after years of being married and doing nothing but work.

 

Some were just having stressful life at work and home.

 

But then again [some] ALL are just really cheaters.

 

I fixed that for you.

 

Although their may be different reasons why a man would make the decision to cheat on his wife, the reason doesn’t excuse or condone the betrayal.

[Bittersweetie]

The reason I don't talk about my marriage is because that is not the area I came here wanting or needing support with.

 

Hi Gwen,

 

I was a MW who had an affair. And when I was in the affair, and just after, I thought just as you did: my relationship with MM was a completely separate issue than my relationship with my H. However, after time and reflection, I've learned they aren't.

 

Think of it this way: all of the time and mental energy you are spending on MM (what does he want from me? why is he sexting me when he's supposedly fixing his relationship? etc) is time and mental energy that is taken away from your marriage, your family, your husband, yourself.

 

And I understand why you are doing it...because by focusing on MM and his issues, you are avoiding YOU, your life, and your issues. You are avoiding questions like: why did I disrespect my marriage, my H, my family, myself? Why did I think it was okay to have an affair with another married man? These aren't easy questions to face, much less answer.

 

I would gently suggest that you start backing away from MM...you are never going to fully understand why he's doing what he's doing, and it's just going to keep you stuck. Start thinking about yourself and your path forward. Where are you going from here? How are you going to answer the questions I asked above? What is important to you? Use your mental energy in a positive and productive way rather than wasting it on MM. Good luck.

[pepperbird]

Makes no sense why a man needs two woman. I simply can not comprehend the logic behind this.

 

 

Part of it's biology, but in my opinion, the bigger part is society. People are constantly told "they deserve to be happy", and "new is better" but so many have no idea what "happiness" actually is. They spend their whole life chasing it, when it may well have been right in front of them the whole time.

 

 

op,

I can't see how you are ever going to understand the motives behind his behavior when you don't really even understand your own.

[gwen uk]

Thank you all. I am finding myself in a very dark place full of anxiety and guilt. I feel it most when I wake in the morning and it hits me like a train. I wonder if this is the start of how a breakdown feels.

[Zona]

Thank you all. I am finding myself in a very dark place full of anxiety and guilt.

 

This can be a time of personal growth for you. If you aren't already in IC, you need to find a councilor that is experienced with infidelity and who will hold you accountable, rather than justifying or enabling your behavior.

 

It takes some guts to face the issues that caused you to go down this path, but in the end you can become a more authentic person.

 

As a start, you might want to read "Not just Friends" by Shirley Glass as a way to help you understand how it happened. Poor personal boundaries can lead to inappropriate emotional attachment that can ultimately lead to a PA.

Edited March 26, 2019 by Zona

[mark clemson]

Maybe (and hopefully) less a breakdown and more reality asserting itself in your brain. You are coming more fully to grips with the possible consequences. Breaking down won't help much, I think but trying to be clear-headed might.