CheatsWithAFriend Posted September 21, 2005 Share Posted September 21, 2005 My husband and I haven't been getting along for the last few months, and our sex life has been non-existant. I have tried and tried and tried talking to him, but he refuses to see that there's an issue. As for our sex life, I've suggested toys, role playing, you name it, I've suggested it. He thinks I'm too wild, freaky, and weird. He won't try to come up with anything to spice things up. I guess I'm bad for thinking that missionary is boring after awhile??? Anyways, I have a friend that I've always been attracted to, and recently, after a few drinks, we ended up spending a heavenly few hours together. I've always had feelings for him, as more than a friend, and now I have him in my head all the time. I think about him constantly and I replay our night together in my head every day. I'm not one of those women that gets attached to a man just because something sexual happens whether it be kissing or more, but I wonder if this wasn't a big mistake because I have feelings for him. Okay, I know what you're thinking - it's a big mistake because I'm MARRIED....I know, I know. But it happened, I can't change that, and I'm wondering if there are any other 'cheaters' out there that might be able to tell me how to curb my feelings for this friend. They've been building up for a long time, and I've wanted him long before I ever met my husband. I'm not usually a romantic, but I've got it so bad that every slow song reminds me of him, I look forward to talking to him, I miss him when I don't get the chance. I don't want to say that I love him - that's such a strong word... Can anyone help me explain this????????? Thanks. Link to post Share on other sites
sanne Posted September 21, 2005 Share Posted September 21, 2005 i'm no expert, but your marriage is in deep trouble if you don't come clean with your husband. it seems to me as if your relationship with your husband has fizzled out, and unless the both of you and willing to repair what has been broken it will most likely end. Link to post Share on other sites
cplfun13 Posted September 21, 2005 Share Posted September 21, 2005 I will never understand how people dont have the energy, imagination, or resources to work on saving thier marriage. Yet, they always seem to find it and a lot more when they stray from home. Everybody always starts the sentence the same way, "we have been having problems for awhile" If thats the case then you have had a while to work on it. How people justify their actions, will forever amaze me. Link to post Share on other sites
LucreziaBorgia Posted September 21, 2005 Share Posted September 21, 2005 I'm wondering if there are any other 'cheaters' out there that might be able to tell me how to curb my feelings for this friend. You can't. Its party a biochemical reaction (a chemical 'bonding' that happens when people have sex), partly a matter of mapping your expectations and wishful thinking onto a situation that will never know the "taint" of reality (and therefore on some level will always operate on a fantasy/idealized level), and partly the hot intense feeling you get from being objectively wanted by someone. The only way that you would not have those feelings for OM is if there was nothing lacking in the sex or emotional departments with your H. If those needs were being met by your H, then OM would simply be recreational and there wouldn't be the threat of as intense of an attachment. OM represents an escape. As long as there is something to escape from, you will form nearly desperate attachments to what you are escaping to. There is only one way to prevent this, given the situation and that is to stop seeing him altogether, and go to complete 'no contact' so that you can clear your head and heart of him. I seriously doubt you want to prevent it that badly, though. Besides, if you do - you are still left with a void in your marriage - understandable that you would not want to give up what you have with OM just to go back to what you think you don't have with your H. You do have choices though. You can decide to identify and work on voids in your marriage and work with your H in marriage counseling to fill them from within the marriage, or you can stay in your affair and let the chips fall where they may (and they will most likely fall explosively and painfully as you become more attached to him). Link to post Share on other sites
Bryanp Posted September 21, 2005 Share Posted September 21, 2005 Hello, I suggest that you come clean to your husband and maybe this will be a catalyst to start marriage counseling. It is unfair to him to have you cheat on him and put his health at risk for STD's. Continue this and you will be another statistic of a single divorced woman. How would you feel if your husband betrayed his vows to you and found another woman? You either have respect for your spouse and marriage or you do not. Link to post Share on other sites
Mz. Pixie Posted September 21, 2005 Share Posted September 21, 2005 Cheats, LB is correct. Right now you're "high" from the attention, sex and the whole dang thing. I've been in your shoes, I'm not proud of it but here's the thing, you're seriously in for more than you bargained for. Go NC and either work on your marriage or end it. If you're caught and you probably will get caught- you'll just be a cheater no matter what your problems were. Trust me, I know. Link to post Share on other sites
bab Posted September 21, 2005 Share Posted September 21, 2005 I have tried and tried and tried talking to him, but he refuses to see that there's an issue. As for our sex life, I've suggested toys, role playing, you name it, I've suggested it. He thinks I'm too wild, freaky, and weird. He won't try to come up with anything to spice things up. I bet if given the choice between trying something wild or having you doing something wild with someone else, he'd get pretty damn kinky. It's not a level playing field if he doesn't understand what's at risk. Link to post Share on other sites
Mz. Pixie Posted September 21, 2005 Share Posted September 21, 2005 Other than sex, how is the rest of your marriage? Sex is usually the result of other issues.... Link to post Share on other sites
Spectre Posted September 21, 2005 Share Posted September 21, 2005 Oh come on, has the government began putting something in booze that makes women just unable to not spread their legs for someone other than their husband/bf? Link to post Share on other sites
CarmenIbanez Posted September 23, 2005 Share Posted September 23, 2005 First I would like to say that I am tired of reading the vitriolic tyrades of people who are offended by the topics in these posts. If you do not like the subject, or do not think it is appropriate to discuss, then you should not expose yourself! That being said, I want to disagree that you should "come clean" to your husband. If in fact you decide that you have made a mistake and you do not plan to make the mistake again, then it isn't fair to your husband to make him carry the burden of what you have done. People can (and have) made one time mistakes that they have never repeated. Why should your husband be hurt by what happened? I always suspect that some people who cheat, confess to their mates because they want their mates to know what they've done. One possible motive is to elicit some response from them. To make them jealous, or to hurt them in retaliation. If you do not think that you have a right or reason to hurt your husband, then you have no reason to "come clean". Take your mistake to heart. Use the hurt that you feel for having done it to strengthen your resolve to not do it again. Of course, if you plan to continue the relationship, or desire to take it further, then your husband has a right know so he can make his own decisions accordingly. Link to post Share on other sites
amerikajin Posted September 27, 2005 Share Posted September 27, 2005 Don't come clean. Just end it - either the relationship or the marriage. If you had unprotected sex that could complicate matters. Ethically, you'd need to get tested before engaging in unprotected sex with your hub, but with the way things are going on that front, it doesn't seem like that'll be too difficult to conceal. I've never really agree with coming clean unless there's a better than slight chance of getting caught. If you suspect that you're going to be exposed, then yes, come clean. Otherwise, just keep your mouth shut, decide what you really want, and then do what you know you gotta do. In my opinion, too many people end marriages unnecessarily. The possibility that you'll end up in a marriage that is largely friendly, loving and sexually gratifying is miniuscule. I'm not saying settle, but be realistic. Chances are any guy you hook up with - even if the sex is sizzling - will fade later on. You married more than just a f_ck buddy. Judge all of his qualities, and be fair about both him and yourself. Link to post Share on other sites
none Posted October 16, 2005 Share Posted October 16, 2005 what ended up happening? i was in a similar situation, wanted out... didnt happen until it was too late. it was wonderful at the time but trust me, it was not worth it. i recommend imagining your husband finding out, and the pain that would cause him. i an assure you that he would prefer anything but your cheating. and cut off contact with OM before you get too involved. i wish that i had had this advice a few months ago. good luck, and be strong. Link to post Share on other sites
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